I swear I'm going to kill my brother! I went to put my foundation on this morning to find he'd filled it with water, so when I put it on my hand to rub in (if you know what I mean) it went everywhere. Then on top of that he put a bucket full of ice on top of my door which my best friend opened. If you can think of any evil ways to get him back that would be great lol. Oh by the way he did this because I fed the dog his girlfriends knickers(don't ask how I got hold of them or how they got in my house in the first place because I really don't want to know). We have been at war these past few weeks. Anyway, on with the story…
1 Second later
All eyes are on me and Dave. And I mentioned the footie scores. Why in the name of Gordy's spaggy eye do I always mention the footie scores when I'm nervous?! I don't even like football! Ever since the Masimo and Robbie fandango last year I have a habit of mentioning stupid stuff like that. I wonder what happened to Masimo. After I found out he was cheating on me with Emma, Dave's girlfriend at the time, I've not seen him around. Ah, well he's old PANTS now.
Anyway back to the matter in hand. I should probably say something normal. Or stand up. Or at least pull my bloody skirt down!
Blimey o'Reilly, I forgot about my skirt.
1 Second later
Do something Georgia; say something…Oh no, not now. I'm having an uncontrollable laughing fit. Stop. No, come on brain to mouth. Stop laughing, I repeat, stop laughing!!
Everyone is staring at me like I'm an apple, an apple that has jumped out of the fruit bowl and is rolling along the floor when a cat biffed it to the…shutupshutupshutup!
2 Seconds later
Yes! This is good, everyone is laughing with me.
1 Second later
Or are they laughing at me?
1 Second later
Oh giddy gods pajamas, they're laughing AT me.
30 Seconds later
It's all gone silent. We've all stopped laughing. Dave stood up and held his hand out to me. I grabbed it and pulled myself up.
Dave said 'Well as fun as that was guys, I'm away laughing on a fast camel. I'm going to rescue our dinner from the oven because I smell the sweet smell of burning.' We all turned towards the kitchen. Dave opened the oven door and then disappeared under a cloud of smoke. Rollo shouted something. I don't think it was "oops".
10 Minutes Later
We've decided to get a take-away for dinner. We left it to Jas to ring up because as I explained, I may well have come top in French but the word Rabbit will not get me very far when ordering pizzas.
6:00pm
The pizzas have finally arrived!
2 Minutes later
Jas (fully certified member of the big twit club) has managed to order everything wrong. My pizza looks like it might have dog food on it but I'm not going to taste it and find out.
1 Minute later
I have managed to scrape off all the unedible bits. Or is it inedible. I don't know and what's more, I don't really care. I can't eat them and that's the short and short of it. Yeah, so anyway, where was I? Oh yes, once the bits that can't be eaten have been scraped off, this pizza is actually decent. Better than the baked beans and moss we get at home.
6:37 pm
Jas has rung home twice already. I thought she was meant to be wilderness woman. There are no phones in the wilderness. Unless the badgers have invented a badgerphone to call their friends the voles on. Brain. Shut up! When she rang home though that meant Ellen wanted to ring home. When Ellen had rang home, Jools wanted to ring home. It was like a lurgy or something! Me, Rosie and the boys decided not to. Mrs. Jas did want to speak to Tom though; he lives there more than he lives at his own house!
Dave said 'Why are you not ringing home, Kittykat?'
'I've come here to get away from my barmy lot! They were glad to get rid of me. What about you?'
'Me too,' he said. 'My mum practically shoved me out the door.'
'Do you have any little loons at your house Dave?'
'No just big loons. I'm the youngest.' It's weird thinking of Dave the Laugh as the youngest.
'Wow. You learn something new every day. How many brothers or sisters have you got?' It's nice to take an interest.
'Four. Two sisters and two brothers. Only one sister and one brother still live at home though, thank the Lord. Fingers crossed we'll get rid of another one soon.'
'Dave that's not very nice! You should love your brothers and sisters dearly.'
'Put a sock in it, Kittykat. I get that sort of WUBBISH from my Mutti.' He started talking in a high pitched voice 'David, that's not a very nice way to talk about your brother.' It sounded scarily like a Mutti type person. It made me laugh like a loon on loon tablets.
5 Minutes later
Dave is really enjoying talking like a Mutti. He keeps walking round saying stuff like "tidy that mess up".
1 Minute later
I've just had the most hilarious idea ever if I do say so myself. I grabbed Dave and took him into the bedroom.
'Not yet, Sex kitty. I'll snog you later,' He said (in his normal voice).
'Dave, shut up and listen to my brillopads idea…'
15 minutes later
Yes. Finished. I have dressed Dave up like a girl. With makeup and everything. I have borrowed Rosie's spare beard (!) for hair. He looks scarily realistic. He does walk like he's gone to the poo-parlor division in his pants though when he's wearing my high heels.
1 Second later
I'd be more worried if he could walk properly in them though…
2 Minutes later
I had to hold him up when we were walking back to show the gang. And he's not the lightest sheep in the field!
'Ta-Da!' I shouted. No one even turned around.
'She said Ta-Da!' Dave shouted. Everyone turned to look at him. How does he do that, make everyone listen to him?
'Oh. My. God. What in the name of Father Christmas happened to you?!' Rollo said.
'Ah, well, Rollo my friend, I was born on the 18th April many moons ago. I started life…'
'No, Dave you banana, I mean why the flip are you dressed like a girl?'
'Ah well, if I knew that, Rollo, I would be a very rich man.' What the PANTS is he on about?!
5 Minutes later
After the initial shock of seeing Dave like this, I like to think everyone is quite impressed. That is what I like to think.
10:41
Early to bed early to rise makes…a whatsit. Anyway, I'm all tuckered out from my makeover skills. I might start work on one of those TV programs where an innocent person goes in with normal clothes and comes out looking like a teletubby.
1 Minute Later
I'm all snuggled up to Dave. He is so much nicer to sleep with (leave it) than Libby. His botty is no way near as cold. Not that I have been feeling his botty. Or any other part of him for that matter. Anyway he is stroking my hair and it is vair relaxing.
Now's your chance, Gee. Tell him you have plighted your troth and chosen the Dave the Tart after all these years.
'Dave, I have something to tell you,' I whispered
'Shock me, Kittykat.'
'Dave, I think I…'
'...Should take your top off?'
'No I think... I love you…'
Gee finally did it! It's not as simple as that though sorry. Review and I'll write more xx
