A/N: Alright, this did not go according to the outline so you can blame it on the moscato. (really it tasted more like moonshine mixed with juice). What can I say, I got the feels.
ballpointmf: Thanks! ;-) Hearing from you guys always inspires me to keep 'em coming.
LacklusterBrilliance: Aww, you're going to make me bashful. I love Blythe also (obviously). I seriously have this whole headcanon where they hooked up in high school. It's shamefully detailed. Well, pissed off is so much better than indifferent! Just wait till you read this.
Blympienachos: That is possibly the highest compliment that I could ever receive! Thank you so much! With a review like that how could I not write 500 more. ;-) Aubrey is such a pleasure to write and I feel like I have a better handle on her than the others.
The Bellas reunion wasn't my idea. The whole drive over I just had to remind myself that this wasn't supposed to be a scary thing. It was just that hadn't seen my friends in so long and I had no idea things would be the same or not. When I went to LA there had been no goodbyes and no communication at all. Maybe I hadn't explicitly told them after the finals that I would be back next year to pick up where we had left off but it was implied. These girls had become a sort of odd family for me and there was nothing that was more complicated than family for me.
It was strange to actually care what people thought, and maybe It's really corny but they were the first people that I really opened up to maybe ever. So, I was standing at the door wondering which way this was going to go, hoping for acceptance but planning for rejection. I swallowed, straightened my shoulders, and sighed. It was now or never.
As soon as I raised a fist to knock the door opened and I stepped back a little. Fat Amy stood on the other side large as life. "Becccccca!" She reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me through the doorway. I guess it was going to be acceptance.
My eyes nearly popped out of my head as she pulled me into a crushing hug. From the smell of her breath and the sound of her heavily accented slur she was a few drinks in already. "Hey Amy," I said, patting her back as she continued to hug me. She finally let me go and held me at arm's length.
"S'nice to see you, B. Now, get in here and tell us all about LA." She flounced back to the couch and picked up a glass full of clear liquid with a cherry floating in it. "Like, did you meet any celebrities or agents? Becauseā¦."
The shouts and welcomes of the other girls drowned her out. I hugged them all in turn. Jessica, Stacie, Lilly, Denise, Ashley, Cynthia Rose, and then I came to the end and was face to face with Chloe. We stood, uncertain of what to do, but at last she pulled me in and wrapped her arms around me. It was nice, just a simple hug, but it reminded me how much I missed touching her. Awkwardness invaded again and we stepped away from each other. The air seemed a little thicker all of a sudden so I had to turn away for fear of everything showing.
All of these words wanted to be spoken, just like every time I had been around Chloe since I came back. Truths and promises threatened to spill out of me but I held them back for so many reasons. We just stood there not looking at one another while the other girls carried on around us, all distracted by a fresh bottle of vodka.
My arm was jostled and a drink was shoved into my hand. When I that away I saw that Stacie was rescuing me. She had always been a lot more observant than people gave her credit for. I stepped away, wishing for a break from the pull that made me want Chloe.
There was a seat open between Amy and Stacie that was on the other side of the room so I took the opportunity to put that distance between us. It was only ten feet but it helped. I needed to let myself get absorbed by the group rather than paying attention to what my heart was screaming but every few seconds my eyes strayed back over to see her trying to pay attention and failing.
She looked good in her tall brown boots, skinny jeans, and a dark blue sweater. I remembered always wishing that I could look as good as she did in things like that. Rather than wearing clothes, she made them into an accompaniment that accentuated her beauty. It wasn't a huge leap to the memory of taking those clothes off of her. It was still vivid after two years no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to go there, especially since we were in the same room. The sudden feeling of cold wetness on my leg redirected my mind.
Amy had leaned over and spilled her drink on my jeans. My hands shot up as her head lowered towards my lap to inspect the damage. "Dude, it's cool," I said. I tried to shoo her away from me but somehow she had found a paper towel and was dabbing at my leg. Her hand was getting dangerously close to a very bad area. "Woah, Amy." I scooted away and tried to stand.
The girls were all laughing except Chloe who was staring at her phone. I pushed Amy's hand away and scoffed, but I couldn't help but smile. "Wait a minute. I've got this," Amy said, her eyes scrunching in concentration as she came at me again with the paper towel.
I grabbed her wrists and gently pushed her back and tried to keep her away from my crotch. Cynthia Rose put her arm around Amy and handed her another drink as a distraction. My eyes shot across the room again to see that Chloe was gone. Confusion suffused me and I looked around, meeting Stacie's eyes.
She nodded her head toward the balcony and mouthed the word go at me. I sucked in air and tried to gather myself. Aubrey wasn't here and I hadn't wondered why until now, but I figured she didn't want to be around me, but maybe there was more to it. Chloe had come though, that had to mean something. So, I pushed myself off the couch and went to the sliding door that led to the balcony.
When I pushed it open the cold breeze hit me. I hadn't brought my jacket but I wasn't going back. I stepped out and stood next to Chloe. She was looking down at the city. The lights glowed in the distance, creating a sea of different colors. "Pretty," I said.
"Yeah," she said.
I could hear it in her voice and the sniff after. She was trying not to cry. Chloe had always been someone swayed easily by strong emotion but crying wasn't something that she did in public unless it was out of happiness. "Hey, you okay?"
She looked at me, eyes searching mine. She needed a friend right now and that was what I was going to try to be. I had to be strong enough to do that because I had always made this about me and it wasn't right now. I steeled myself because both of us needed me to step up.
"Yeah," she said. "It's nothing." Her phone was still in her hand, open to a text conversation. I could see Aubrey's name at the top and a lot of unanswered texts. She saw me looking and shoved the phone in her pocket. I hadn't meant to look but it was obvious that something was wrong and I wanted to help. After hurting her so much, I just wanted to prove that I could be something good in her life.
Her eyes lowered to the lights below us again and I wasn't sure she was going to answer me. "You just seem bummed and I wanted to make sure everything was alright." Still no answer. "I know I probably messed everything up again but I want to fix it. I'm going to do better." I nodded with certainty and moved a little closer. "We're still friends, right?" I tried to leave out the pleading tone but some of it was there. "I know Aubrey probably hates me and that makes things hard but I want us to be friends. I want to be someone you can talk to."
She turned on me and I could feel her heart aching like it was mine. That's how much emotion she was giving off. Light glinted off of the icicles, making flashes in her eyes, or maybe they were just there, buried in the blue of her irises.
"Beca, you don't understand, neither of you do." Her hands were balled into fists and I saw them raise, her knuckles white with tension. "I didn't ask for any of this. I was happy being single and having fun. Then, you came along and it got complicated."
She stopped when my hand slid along the railing towards her. It was an unconscious gesture but I was suddenly very conscious of everything. The feelings that were bubbling up inside me and the way they turned into reassurances that I wanted to give her. She stepped back, just a little, but it was enough. Words froze in my throat.
"Then, you left and things got more complicated because Aubrey was there, telling me that she had always wanted me. All I could think was that this is what I've been waiting for, someone who actuallyloves me and will stick around. Aubrey was always someone I could count on. But now there are these things missing and I don't know if she will ever be able to give them to me. So, now you're back and I can't seem to process that."
She leaned back against the railing, her head hovering over the edge, and her face to the sky. "I can't think; it's too hard." Drops fell from the roof onto her forehead but she didn't wipe them away or come back under the protection of the eaves. "I love Aubrey so much but I also have feelings for you that won't go away." She spun to look at me. "I just don't know what kind of feelings they are."
The hope that I had been beating down ever since I found out about Chloe and Aubrey was back and it had brought friends. Her actions and words had convinced me that she didn't feel the same way and maybe she still didn't, but could I just give up that chance to find out? There was no way. Giving into the feelings meant that all the walls would come down again.
I found myself, once again, standing on the edge of action and unable to remember the promises I had made to myself. Maybe giving in to compulsion wasn't always a bad thing. Before I could think anymore or consider the consequences; I took three steps and kissed her.
Her lips were still and I pressed into them harder. Her hands came to my arms and I could feel her pushing at me, just a little, but I wouldn't let her go. Then, she opened to me and her lips moved against mine for a second, but that was it. Her grip tightened and she shoved hard, detaching herself and stumbling back.
We were both breathing hard and staring at each other. Shock ran through me and I realized that I had fallen against the side of the balcony. Wood dug into my back but I let it, welcoming the physical pain. Her hand went to her lips. I was afraid she would wipe the kiss away, but she just blew past me, pushed the door open and left.
I stood there, watching her gather her things and talking to Stacie. In two minutes she was out the door. That was when I wanted nothing more than to not exist because the real pain that was going to come soon was all of my own making. Failing again when I had such good intentions was my past, present, and future.
