Despair washed over her as she watched him leave. She stood there a few minutes letting her tears fall freely down her face. Her throat was tight and her stomach felt empty and sunken. Everything he'd said had been true. She had been too hopeful in allowing herself to consider the possibility of him understanding. It had been idealistic, and now she was left to face the consequences. Before she had come, she had attempted to prepare herself for this exact situation in an attempt to somehow ease the pain, yet there was no amount of preparation to protect her from this feeling of hopeless heartbreak. Due to some animalistic sense, Buckbeak approached her and gently nudged her shoulder. Desperately in need of comfort, she turned around, burying her face in his soft, feathered neck and let out a few silenced sobs. Her mind lingered on thoughts of what they had once been and what she had hoped they once again could be and this made it near impossible to stop crying. She allowed herself to continue on like this, locked in a mental state of self pity for a few minutes longer, until she finally stopped herself and began to regain closure. Wiping away her tears she looked up at the Hippogriff and smiled through a pained face saying thanks. He tilted his head slightly in what Elle perceived as a nod and then turned to continue devouring his ferrets.
She left the room and quickly returned to hers hoping to be unseen. She knew that dinner was going to be full of tension and her showing up in the kitchen with obvious signs that she'd been crying would only intensify the awkwardness. As she was cleaning her face in the mirror, fighting off the urge to breakdown and cry again, her reflection stared back at her with a look of confusion. Had Remus been right? The way he had described it to her had been so truthful, and she had never really thought of it from that perspective. All the time she had been hiding she convinced herself it had been to protect him. But perhaps it had been to protect Snape. Had her feelings for him really surpassed those which she held for Remus? Severus meant a lot to her now. It was obvious that they had grown close during the time they had spent together, but she realized that despite the bond they now shared, she still wouldn't have exposed herself. One fact remained. Severus had saved her life. That alone was the main reason she did what she had to. She owed him her life and would not risk his simply to be happy.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a knock at her door. She braced herself knowing that it would most likely end up being another emotionally charged conversation but was relieved to see the warm smile of Molly Weasley on the other side of the door.
"Molly," she said, trying her hardest to convincingly smile warmly. The woman she gazed at had a way of making a person feel safe and loved simply by looking at them.
"Hope you don't mind, dear," she said, entering the room while closing the door behind her, "but I saw the look on Remus' face when he came down the stairs, and I thought I'd come up to check on you."
"That's very kind of you Molly, I appreciate it," Elle said genuinely, "but I'm fine. Really."
Molly gave her a look which implied that she wasn't convinced by Elle's response.
"With all due respect Eleanor," she said smiling, "you don't raise seven children without learning a thing or two about reading the signs of a face that is lying."
Looking into Molly's warm, concerned expression, Elle couldn't help but feel comforted by it. She had become so accustomed to internalizing all of her issues that she was caught a bit off guard by Molly's offer to talk.
"It's just difficult to see Remus so hurt while knowing that I'm the cause," she said finally. "I never thought that this is how we'd end up. I always played our reunion in my head and it seemed so different. But I supposed I was being too impractical. I can't expect him to feel the same way about me as he did when I left. It's just hard knowing he'll never look at me the same way again."
It felt good for her to say it out loud. She had been feeling it for the past few days, but now maybe she'd finally be able to accept it.
"I'm not sure how he looked at you before," Molly began, "but I've seen the look he gives you now, and let me tell you, it's unlike the way he looks upon any other."
Elle smiled unsure of what to say. She was oddly uncomfortable talking about Remus. She couldn't really explain why, but she could feel her face beginning to flush.
"Arthur and I squabble all of the time. Just this morning we got into a little row over how we were to pick up the children's school things, but by this afternoon all was forgotten. Whatever you two have quarreled about, you'll mend it," she said consolingly.
"Oh, I wish it were that simple Molly," Elle said smiling a little, attempting to make light of her situation.
"When it comes to love like that, I guess it never is," she replied. "But I've always found that when love is true, there is nothing that will stop it from ending happy."
Sensing the conversation nearing an end, Molly stood and made her way towards the door.
"Oh and Eleanor," she said, just as she reached the door, "there won't be a meeting tonight. Dumbledore has been held up. He sends his apologies. Dinner should be ready soon, dear."
"Thank you," she said smiling, even though her heart had just sunk.
She watched Molly leave and was once again left alone with her thoughts. It was difficult not to think of Remus. It was all she had done for the past decade. Planning their reunion, reliving their time together; it would take some time to accept the fact that she had to let go. All she wanted to do was run downstairs and talk to him, try to convince him to once again love her. But she knew it would be to no avail. If there had been any chance that he could love her again, he wouldn't have said what he had. Yet a part of her couldn't give up. Not that easily. He had said that he would've loved her forever, not that he couldn't love her again. She would have to fight for him. Although at the thought of this, her mind returned to his face when he had last spoken to her, and she was reminded that there was no sign of hope that he hadn't meant what he said.
Frustrated by her internal contradictions, she let out an exasperated sigh and flopped on her bed hopelessly. She had never really dealt with a situation like this before. Remus had been her only love, and the thought of learning to fall out of love with him didn't come easily to her. How was she supposed to just stop loving him? The situation didn't seem fair, and she again began to be blanketed my feelings of self pity. Feeling sorry for the way her life had turned out. Moods like this were dangerous since she often questioned whether or not she was grateful that Snape had saved her life that night. It hadn't turned out to be much of a life to be saved. Over the years she had rarely allowed herself to dwell on these thoughts and tonight was no exception. She sat up in her bed, walked over to the mirror, took a deep breath and walked down the stairs in search of a distraction.
She was discreet as she rounded the corner into the living room, scanning the faces for Remus'.
"He left," Sirius said from behind her, "once he heard Dumbledore wasn't coming."
Her heart sank. A minute ago she had been avoiding him, but knowing that he too was avoiding her was disheartening. She turned, faking a smile while crossing her arms and said, "Oh, I hadn't even noticed."
Siruis tilted his head looking at her with an unconvinced expression and a hint of a smile. Throwing her arms around her shoulders he said, "Come. Let's talk."
Though hesitant at first, she gave into her old friend and allowed him to offer his support. She followed him to a back room where they could be alone and from the moment they sat down she divulged every detail from the conversation she had just had with Remus, though she was vague when it came to the part about his recollection of her feelings toward Severus. Sirus listened attentively, commenting occasionally with words of support, but she assured him that, though she appreciated them, they held no truth. Once she had finished speaking, they sat in silence for a few moments until Sirius said, "but that doesn't seem like Remus." Elle knew at this point that she should've known better than to omit certain aspects of her story.
"Why would Remus think that you had an ulterior motive to staying in hiding?" Sirius asked.
Elle had feared this question, since now she had to explain Remus' reasoning for believing that she held Snape's well-being higher than his own. She worried that Sirius would also adopt this thinking and be hurt by it as well. Once she explained she could tell that he was discomforted by it and the conversation would no longer be centered around offering her comfort.
"I could see how he would think that Elle," Sirius said in a pained voice. "That theory never really occurred to me." He fell silent. Elle could hear the commotion in the other rooms of the house as they all made their way to the dining room.
He rose from his seat and walked over to the window. This was similar to what Remus had done, only just as quickly as he had reached the window, Sirus turned back around and approached her with conviction.
"How can you care about him," he began. "After all he has done. All he did. How can you just blindly trust him."
Elle rose defensively, "How can you not? He has redeemed himself time and time again. Does he not deserve our trust."
"No!" Sirius rapidly responded. Pacing the room he continued, "not after what he did. He deserves less than what he gets now. None of Voldemort's followers, let alone his Death Eaters deserve redemption."
As soon as he said that he quickly spun around with an apologetic look on his face. "You know that's not what I meant," he said instantly, before Elle had a chance to respond.
"No Sirus, it's exactly what you meant," she said meekly, sitting back down in her chair.
He rushed across the room and fell to his knees in front of her. Gently lifting her face to meet his gaze he said, "you were never like him. It was different with you."
"Was it?" Elle responded, "I was no different than him. You forgave me. Why can't you forgive him?"
"You were completely different then him," Sirius told her. "You were never a Death Eater. You never killed anyone in the name of Voldemort.
"Maybe not, but I didn't do anything to stop it," she said. Then, more quietly she added, "worse than that, I supported it."
"You were manipulated Elle," Sirius said consolingly, "and besides, you redeemed yourself. You came back to us." He smiled in an attempt to lighten the situation.
"I came back to you too late. Too late to save my family. Too late to save Nola. Too late to save Lily and Jam-," Sirius put her had over her mouth as he looked beyond her.
"Harry," he said, beginning to explain. Elle's body and heart sank. She rose and spun around in one quick movement.
"Harry I can explain-," she began. But he cut her off.
"I came to tell you dinner is being served," he said, his voice filled with contempt as he turned and left.
Siruis and Elle exchanged disheartened looks.
"How much do you think he heard?" Sirius asked.
"Enough to condemn me." Elle said solemnly. At the very least, she would have a new issue to consume her thoughts.
Let me know what you think. Don't worry. Elle's involvement with Voldemort and his followers will be thoroughly explained to Harry. We'll see if Harry, as well as you all, can forgive her! ; )
