Hay guys I just want to say thank you all so much for your positive support, it really encourages me to write more of this diary for you. I didn't realise writing could be so stressful but I am really enjoying it and I'm so glad you guys are too! I hope I can continue to entertain you all with Gail's ramblings ha ha :-D Again thank you all so so much - ash x
Hay hay what's occurring? Ah what a busy week! So much going on I ain't stopped! So let's start shall we...
So much happening at work. Shop robberies, speeding tickets, desk duty...it's all been very boring to be honest... well until I got partnered with Oliver. I love working with Oliver he's such a great guy. He's just an all round nice person. So we get called out to a domestic disturbance and straight away I'm like...Great! :-/ I hate playing counsellor cop! Getting called out cause a married couple are having a flaming domestic in the middle of the street, I mean really, just get a bloody divorce already! So anyway the wife was accusing her husband of shooting things and he was denying it all and after questioning a few of the neighbours it turns out that there was no shooting of anything at all, just those two screaming and yelling at each other! Now I know your thinking god what a waste of time being called out for that right?!...Er NO! You're wrong actually because it turned out to be the best call out...like ever! I'm talking like totally bloody awesome! Why you ask? What could possibly be so amazing about it?... Well me and Oliver...Robocop and Terminator... BUSTED A GROW-UP! :-O (Please o.k...calm down...oh stop your applause is really not required)! Yep that's right, a nice house full of plants, equipment etc, like uber fkn cool!
So we call it in and take a look around the house and we catch some punk arse kid jumping out a window trying to get away...So we jumped on his sorry arse and arrested the little shit! Within' 10 mins the whole house is swarming with cops and alike and everyone was so stoked at this amazing bust. Me and Oliver were like proper buzzing, but that all soon came to an end when a dead body was discovered stuffed into a drum in the house! Great a murder! That took the shine off the whole bloody thing. We go back to the station to get new instructions about the new developments and McFairy was acting really fkn weird with me :-/ Weird as in she fkn hugged me :-/ I mean seriously...do I look like the sort of person who goes around hugging people?!...NO! I don't think so! Anyway it was well strange. I knew exactly why she was being weird and I knew exactly what she was trying to tell me but I played dumb cause she had absolutely no idea that I already knew. I just went along with her pathetic nonsense. I wanted to make her feel uncomfortable around me over the whole flamin' thing. I mean come on, I know her and Nick are at it like rabbits! I'm not stupid! Clearly they must have thought I was stupid and blind but I just played the game and went along for the ride a bit longer...prolonging the agony :-)
So we end up back at the house because we had to 'assist' in the clean up operation :-/ Not really how I wanted to spend my day at all! And I got stuck in a room with drugs doing said job with McFairy...yay for me :-/ So she is still rambling her nonsense and after a while I did start to get a bit pissed off and was ready to just put her out of her misery and to tell me wtf was going on...but I got cut short when a chemical leaked out of the box I was holding and burnt my fkn wrist! O.k now painful is not a word I would use to describe it, I was in absolute fkn agony!... So next thing I know were at the hospital and apparently I'm doped up to my eyes with drugs! :-/ I only remember bits and pieces of it but somewhere in the middle of it all McFairy actually grew a pair and finally told me she slept with Nick!...WELL DUH...I ALREADY KNEW THAT! After god knows how long Tinkerbell finally admitted to me that she...my friend...SLEPT...with Nick...my ex boyfriend! Now I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so out of it I would have unleashed hell but to be fair I did already know so I probably wasn't really that bothered! But it still hurt. I mean that's the golden rule right? Friends never ever get together with your ex! It's like a law! You just never go there! I think she was probably more stunned when I told her I already knew. I bet her face was a picture. But it still cut deep so I told her to piss off!
/ I mean wtf! I swear the woman has some kind of brain defunct because come on really, you've just broken the golden rule of friendship and then you say:
'So your happy for me and Nick to be together? Yay come to our wedding'!
I'm sorry but I had no choice... I unleashed the Ice-Queen and made her feel as pathetic as possible...but I did get a little upset because THEY FKN HURT ME!
Next thing I remember I'm mid rant, I look up and Holly is there! :-O I mean where the fuck did she come from? I do not remember calling or anything!...(But when I checked my phone it turns out I had actually sent her this message):
'Friend of the dead, save me I think I'm dying! My wrist may need to be removed and the drugs are making me sing to elephants. Rescue me my knight in shining armour before I die alone' :-/
DON'T!...O.K...JUST DON'T! I was high as a fkn kite!
So I walk up to Holly, and please take into account I hadn't spoken to or seen her for at least a week (because of what we discussed in the last entry) and she just smiled at me, took my arm and led me out! :-O It was as if there had been no distance between us whatsoever! Why does she keep being so fkn nice to me?! I'm trying to get away from her and she keeps just...being there! She just keeps being...Holly! Anyway she took me home and made such a fuss. Made sure I was comfy on the sofa, making me tea and feeding me, putting a blanket around me so I didn't get cold...I mean I only burnt my wrist! :-/ I have to admit though I really liked it, Holly fussing over me making sure I was o.k. It was really sweet of her, but I won't lie it really didn't help the way I feel about her and if anything its made things a million times worse! :-( And when she hugged me...oh god I thought I was gonna melt! I think I may have held onto her longer than I was actually supposed to... :-/
But... I did get an update on 'Operation Crush Holly' :-D Well kind of... I was feeling brave so I asked her when her next date with her hot chick was. She laughed and looked at me with those stunning sparkling eyes and replied
'She's been ignoring me! But it's ok, I'm here now' :-O
I thought I was gonna die! But clearly because I'm ignoring it all and pretending there is absolutely nothing going on in my head in regards to her I gave her my best death stare and said
'You wish! No amount of tea, feeding me cheese puffs and hugging me is ever gonna get me to play upfront for your team'!
As soon as I said it she just laughed and I felt awful :-( I had to pretend I'm a cold hearted bitch who has no feelings for her whatsoever. My god saying that to her really hurt! She has absolutely no idea what she is doing to me and I know that she never can. It was so hard sitting there face to face with her, just staring into her eyes and wanting to just kiss her! She will just continue to be Holly and let's be honest I'm totally barking up the wrong tree! I mean why would Holly ever consider me in a romantic sense? I'm well out of her league. I know she is a lesbian and woman are totally her thing but really? That does not in any way shape or form mean that she finds me attractive! O.k so she kissed me at the wedding but that was just to prove a point that she could shut me up and render me speechless! And it worked! I'm nothing special and I don't need to be told, I already know! But saying that I do really need to keep my feelings locked away, it's what I'm good at. But if she carry's on being all fkn nice and polite and kind and sweet and caring and amazingly gorgeous I'm gonna end up doing something completely stupid that I will regret, and it will totally ruin our friendship.
I can honestly say I could never go back to my life the minute before Holly walked on into it carrying her lunchbox. She is even rubbing off on me, I mean I don't think I'm as hard and mean as I used to be :-/ Well I can still be a complete bitch... just ask McFairy! But she is making me soft and soppy and all wimpy and I'm telling you now that has got to stop! I mean I sit here crying my eyes out while I'm telling you all my deep dark thoughts and feelings and even though its our little 'private affair' its unacceptable! I'm a Peck! I do not behave in this manner! EVER! So there's another reason why Holly must only remain a friend!
She admitted to me that she has been asked out a few times over the past 3 or 4 weeks and thats good for her! This girl she know's through a friend of a friend or something is very persistent apparently. They keep 'accidentally' bumping into each other but Holly say's she not really feeling the whole dating vibe thing right now. If Holly isn't gonna go on any dates anytime soon then that's a good thing in my eyes! Ah what am I saying? Why should I care if Holly goes out with someone else?... someone who isn't me? :-( Oh wow I seriously need to sort this out! I have no right getting all jealous just because Holly got asked out. It's not like were dating or anything!... Hmmmmm...or are we?! :-/ (No no that's too far Miss Peck, listen to yourself you dumb blonde)! Where have I got that ridiculous idea that me and Holly could possibly be dating...ha ha ha...I mean we hang out as friends... we do what people do as friends...because me and Holly are friends! So what if we just so happen to spend 99% of our free time together :-/ That does not mean that everytime I see her it's a date!...right?! :-/ Ha ha ha ha I'm actually going insane...call me a doctor (not Holly) but someone who can lock me and my crazy mind away! Would you listen to me...like really!
:-/...Oh god could you imagine if Holly ever read this diary she would have me sanctioned! :-O Worse still she would probably take out a restraining order to keep the crazy obsessed cop at least one side of the world away from her! Ha ha ha oh wow I just nearly choked on a cheese puff! But seriously what if Holly did ever find out about all of this?! What if she did find out that I'm...falling for her! :-O Oh god like what if she totally freaked out and vanished never wanting to see me or have anything to do with me ever again?! What if she left the department and went back home?! If Holly left I don't know what the fuck I would do!...Oh god that hurts, bad thoughts...oh damn my chest...it hurts! What if I never saw Holly ever again!? That would...it would...break my heart :-(
I cannot go on like this I have to take some serious action! I have two options!
1) Ignore it! Just down right ignore it! Ignore everything and every feeling inside of me! Carry on with Holly knowing that she is my friend and that is all she will ever be too me! Accept that Holly is out of my league and that she can go on as many dates as she wants to and know that I have absolutely no right whatsoever getting all jealous, because lets face it...Holly is a WOMAN and I'm NOT GAY!
2) :-/ ...Tell her? Be brave and tell Holly I hate her for stomping into my crime scene, twisting, turning and downright destroying everything in my life with her big long words and her cute laugh and her adorable smile and for just being so fkn gorgeous and sexy and making me feel all these things for her, and for her stupid medicaljeriwhatdoyoucallit! Tell her my life was nothing before she entered it in her wellies and how I...never wanna be without her and that I just care about her more than I have anyone ever in my entire life...just tell her...that I...love her! :-( Tell her that I am absolutely, 100%, crazy, truly, madly completely in love with her!
:-O ...I'm in love with Holly and I don't know what to do next :-( I guess I'm gonna have to just suck it up, break my own heart and try to move on... Me and Holly will never be together no matter how much I want it.
HECK I don't even care at this point that Holly is a woman and this could even make me gay! I DON'T CARE! I just want her :-(
Now if you don't mind I'm crying, my heart is trying to ping out of my chest and I need to go drown my sorrows with beer...
Oh and Holly just text me...
'Do you think I should just go on a date with Claire, she is kinda hot and maybe it be good for me to get back out there?' xx
Excuse me while I die alone...
