I returned to the motel in complete darkness, save for the occasional circle of light thrown by a street lamp. I had gone out for a quick dinner, called Marty on my way back while Sam and Dean were gone hunting Veritas and had just pressed the 'end call' button on my cell when I caught Dean loading the Impala's trunk.
No Sam to be seen anywhere.
"Dean…? How'd it go?"
He turned and looked at me. It was hard to tell in the darkness, but I thought his face to have lost another shade of hope. "Veritas' dead."
"Great, so what's…"
"I think Sam had better tell you," Dean returned his attention to his car's trunk.
Fear of what was to come made my heart beat faster against my chest, it mingled with relief over Sam being alive. I hesitated before I pushed the door open.
After all, how much worse could it get?
"Sam? Dean wouldn't tell me what happened, so what…?"
He looked perfectly fine, unlike his brother. As if for him, nothing had changed.
Sam regarded me with a long look, calmly packed a shirt into his duffel bag and only then turned to face me with a sigh. "Rachel… Cass found the reason why I've been…wrong since I came back from hell. Different, cold, ruthless, whatever you'd like to call it."
That so didn't sound good.
"What…" I cleared my throat, "What is it?"
Sam's eyes were empty when he looked at me. "My soul's gone."
For a second, I couldn't breathe. When would it stop getting worse?
"So if you want to back out, go ahead. I won't blame you."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't have a soul, Rachel. Which means I feel absolutely nothing. Not for Dean, not for you and not for anyone."
I flinched from the physical pain that caused me. I think that somewhere deep down, I had always hoped our time together had meant something to him, especially that last night before he left.
Finding out that it didn't, well, it hurt like hell. While I had been willing to sacrifice my engagement, everything I had built up over eight years for him, for that one night, Sam hadn't even felt a thing.
I looked at the door. It radiated temptation, whispered beguilingly at me to leave. To return to my comfortable life, to let the Winchester boys figure it out and give me a call once they found answers.
'This isn't only about you, Rachel,' a sensible voice called to me, 'Comfort isn't part of the equation. Fight.'
I closed my eyes, swallowed my tears and turned to Sam. Then I did the hardest thing I had probably ever done: I didn't leave. I cared.
Sam's face was unmoved as I stepped closer to him. I might as well have been talking to a display dummy, but I wouldn't let myself think about that. I had to believe that there was still something human, at least, in him. "I guess that if your soul's missing…" I swallowed hard, determined not to spill those tears, "We better find it."
***
Dean stepped into the room just in time to hear Rachel's words, to see how she gently caressed Sam's cheek with trembling fingers. If she was willing to care about a soulless man so much that she was ready to take any pain to get his soul back, then she was not only seriously damaged, but also the bravest woman Dean ever met.
Had he been in her place, he'd have left the second Sam said he's soulless. Hell, he would have never come running back to him in the first place.
Did Sam even see the pain in Rachel's grey eyes, did he know how much it hurt her to feel bound to a man who had no soul? Probably not. Even if, he wouldn't care.
As sorry as Dean was that Rachel lacked good judgement when it came to men, he felt a little comforted that he wasn't the only one who was in on soul saving patrol, just like he wouldn't be the only one suffering from this heartless Sam.
What did his brother hold over Rachel that she was so hell-bent, literally speaking, on staying with him until the bitter end? She must have known all she'd get would be heartache, and lots of it, too, and nothing in return.
Yet, that night, she stayed and didn't leave.
***
The streets were empty, there was barely any traffic all the way to the Campbell base. While following the Impala in my Audi, I finally allowed my tears to spill.
I sobbed, out of tune, along to the radio, glad that my make-up was waterproof.
Had it just been Sam's character that was so cold and impossible to love, then I might have been able to live with that. It wouldn't have been the first time I was wrong in a person, and he wouldn't have been the first jerk I'd slept with.
But soulless? How had I been able to fall for that, for him?
'God, these past three days really messed up everything.'
Suck it up, Rachel.
I wiped my tears away and reached for my phone. "How much further?" I asked as way of 'hello'.
"Five minutes."
"Alright, I'll wait for you here," I pulled over at the side of the deserted highway.
"What, why?"
"I didn't get the sense your grandfather is going to invite my family over for dinner anytime soon, so I figured you two best go ahead alone. I'm really not in the mood for justifying myself." I hung up before my voice would break and Sam could reply.
Half an hour later, three cars passed me, followed by the Impala who pulled up at the opposite side of the road. With a sigh, I got out and slammed the door.
Sam and I met in the middle of the road.
"So?"
"So, Samuel still has his soul, thinks you can't be trusted and has a lead on the Alpha vampire."
I rubbed my temples. Way too much information, way too little time these days. "Yeah, well, I don't really give a crap whether he trusts me or not. As long as he has no answer as to where your soul is or why demons want me back in the game, you're all stuck with me. So let's go roast ourselves a vamp. Well, actually, it'd be more like you guys go roast yourselves a vampire, because I will get some ammo in the meantime and stock up my car. Meet you later."
"Where are you gonna get ammo just like that?"
I turned around, already on my way to my car. "You kidding me? You, of all people, should know best that just because you study law, you don't have to obey it. I've got my ways."
It felt good falling back into hunting routine. Not only was I good at it and knew the drill to the last detail, but also did it enable me to keep my mind off the troubles at hand. Such as the fact that I still felt so damn drawn to Sam. I supposed that he could plunge a knife into my chest and I'd still want to be with him.
Hell, in a way, he already had plunged a knife into my chest. Finding out he had no soul had actually been more painful than any shot, cut or bruise I had received in 13 years of hunting. Finding out he didn't feel a thing for me had been twisting the knife.
'Enough metaphoring, Rachel. You want to get his soul back, you better toughen up.'
I slowly turned off the ignition and watched the gun store for a while.
'Now or never.' Noiselessly, I opened the door, slipped out and hushed across the street.
The alarm never went off; there were several things I was good at, disabling alarm system was one of them.
So it wasn't until the early morning light when the theft of several firearms and ammunition was discovered, and by then, I was long gone.
"Where did you…?" Dean looked over my shoulder as I rearranged my trunk so that all the weapons would fit in without being discovered immediately.
"Broke into a gun store, then went a little souvenir-shopping in a church and finished my groceries in some esoteric shop."
"How is any of that legal?"
"It isn't, in fact, none of it is, but I don't recall 'hunting' being an honest job. So unless that's changed over the past ten years…" I shut the trunk, "So what's the deal?"
"Samuel's keeping Alphas alive and 'grilling' them for info, as Sam put it."
"Er…why?" I felt like someone who was put in a freezer for ten years and now awoke to find the world around me completely changed. What the hell's been going on with hunting while I missed out? Angels, Devil, Alphas… this world was weirder than I remembered.
"That's what we'd like to know, too. Sam's gone back to see if he can get Samuel to take him along."
"Plotting against your own family," I pursed my lips, "Glad to see I'm not the only one doing that."
"Yeah, well, Samuel's hardly family. For me, anyways," Dean sighed and shot a look towards the headquarters that lay somewhere further away in the darkness.
"We'll find Sam's soul, Dean."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Well, I didn't get the not so charming tag 'bloodhound' for nothing. I catch a trail of something I hunt it down to the end. So, if we're on a mission to find Sam's soul, I won't give up until we have it back, and I know that you won't, either."
"I don't suppose that if I ask you for the hundredth time why you care so much that you're suddenly going to tell me?"
"Sorry, no. I've got my reasons, and yes, I've got my secrets, too, but if any of either would pose a threat to you or Sam, I would have told you. I'm not like my family, I don't put others on the line to get what I want." The only one I put on the line was myself.
"I'm surprised you grew up with a conscience, having that kind of family."
"Yes, me, too."
"What are you going to do once we get Sam's soul back, if ever?"
I crossed my arms before my chest, leaned against my car and inspected the ground as if it were a riveting movie. Luckily, Sam for once proved to have a good sense of timing and saved me from answering. "Okay, so he didn't take the bait, and I went for plan B."
"We had a plan B?"
The three of us leaned on the Impala's hood and waited for 'Arc Mobile' to show us the location of the phone in Samuel's truck.
"Got him, let's go."
"Sam, wait, do me a favour. I need you to track two other numbers."
He frowned, but didn't ask. "They're both in the same city, but in a different area."
"Huh. Hope that's just coincidence," I mumbled, swung open the driver's door and leaned on its frame to look at the brothers.
"Whose numbers are these, Rachel?"
"Hayden's and my Mom's. That's the second time they're in the same area like your family. Something's up. I mean, seriously, this country is freaking huge, and still they trample on each other's toes."
"What's your family's angle, anyways?"
"You think I know? I haven't heard from them in ten years, hell, I didn't even know they were all still alive. All I do know is that wherever they show up, trouble isn't far behind. Usually, it's bloody trouble, which, considering an Alpha vamp is somehow involved, makes me very uneasy. So I'd say that you two check out what your grandfather's up to while I go snoop a little after my family."
"You think they're involved?"
"You could pay my parents all the money in the world and they wouldn't want me back. Last week they suddenly reappear in my life telling me to pack my stuff and get back at it with them. Something's not right."
"Alright, then. We'll call."
"'kay. See you guys later." I got into the car and drove onto the interstate.
There were way too many unknown factors in this equation, and I didn't like it one bit. For one, where was Sam's soul, why was it gone in the first place? Then: what did my family have to do with all this? And why did I have this creepy premonition that what little structure my world had left would crumble within a few days?
I parked my car two blocks from the place my family hid out, according to the cell signals Sam traced. Taking a quick look around to check for unwanted witnesses, I opened the trunk and got out my newly stolen gun, a couple of knives and ammunition. I zipped up my leather jacket and hushed down the street, quiet and fleeting like a shadow in the night.
Unsurprisingly, my family's residence proved to be a deserted industrial building. I inspected the whole place, looking for a weak link.
Found one.
Glad that I had stayed fit even after my life no longer depended on how fast I could run and how high I could jump, I started up and hopped onto the shoulder-high brick wall. After I found safe footing, I carefully balanced my way down to the fire escape, where I gripped the iron railing and pulled myself onto the platform. My boots made no sound as I ascended the rusty stairs to the third story, where I entered the building through a broken window.
As I leaned against the wall and waited for my breathing to calm down, my thoughts drifted off to Sam – again.
I had absolutely no reason to trust him any more than I trusted my family; yet I was here, spying on my own kin to help him. He, who was practically a stranger.
I had known it even back then, when he first showed up after having been gone for six years; he hadn't been Sam. Even if he'd have a soul, he wouldn't have been the guy I'd known at Stanford.
So what had driven me to let myself be drawn in, apart from wanting to find out what was with the angels out for my head?
I might never find out; but there was a slight chance I that I would, and I had to take it.
Reassuringly, I patted the small of my back, where I had placed my gun into the waistband of my jeans. I was careful not to tread on any piece of broken glass as I snuck down the corridor, towards the muffled voices.
It seemed like a movie scene, but then again, I sometimes felt like my whole life had been a movie; a horror movie. A very badly written one.
The corridor ended and became a gallery, faintly illuminated from below. Crouching so that I would not be seen, I got as close to the end of it as I dared. The large hall below me suited my purposes, as my family's voices echoed loudly from the blank walls.
"We cannot allow the Campbells to continue like this. They're keeping those monsters alive!"
"That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is why, what do they want with them."
"You know full well what they want, Ewan," My mother coolly said, "Either way, it doesn't matter. Let them poke at purgatory, why should we care. We should instead focus on how Alphas can help us open Lucifer's Cage again."
What the hell.
"Great idea, Mom, the problem is that they have the Alpha right now, which makes it hard for us to interrogate him."
"Well, Karen, what do you figure we do then?" My mother – I refused to call her Mom, as that was an affectionate term reserved for those who deserved it – snapped.
"Go steal the Alpha from them?"
"Very good. Load the truck."
"Think we get lucky and get the chance to kill some Campbells?" Hayden laughed, "Or maybe even a Winchester. I bet Rachel wouldn't be too happy to hear about her lover getting hurt."
I pressed my lips together to tightly it hurt, and my hands trembled from the repressed urge to pull out my gun and shoot my asshole brother in the head.
"Hayden, focus on the job. We need that Alpha. Nothing else is important. And keep your sister out of this, we want her back and not even more pissed at us."
I've heard enough, and it was damn time I got out of here. Surprisingly, I was able to keep my mind focused as I hurried back to my car.
"Sam, come on, pick up…" I begged.
"Yeah," He sounded strained.
"Hey, Sam, look… are you okay?" I had tried hard not to phrase that question, but it popped out of me anyways.
"Kind of staring down a gun over here, but other than that I'm good. What'd you find?"
"Seriously, you're looking down a barrel and still don't feel a damn thing?" I shook my head. "Unbelievable. Anyways. So your own family turned on you, huh? Nice. Karma's a bitch."
"Get to the point."
"I can't, not with your charming grandfather around. Is he listening?"
"Kind of."
"Oh, hell, screw this," I cussed when I saw my family's truck rolling out onto the street, "Look, you guys need to get the Alpha out of there and fast."
"Sure, we'll have him delivered to base camp with ups right away."
"Don't get all sarcastic with me. I mean it. My family is on their way to you, and they want the Alpha. They get him, we're in trouble, so tell Samuel to suck it up and trust me."
"He doesn't look like he's trusting us at the moment, let alone you."
"Well, he let you pick up the phone, so he had to believe I had something interesting to say."
A scream came instead of an answer; it wasn't Sam's.
"Sam, what…?"
"I'll call you back."
"Sam, wait! Don't-"
Line was already dead.
"Damn it," I punched the steering wheel and pressed down the accelerator. Racing through the empty streets, I focused on getting there first, instead of thinking about what my family could possibly do if I failed in doing so.
Tires screeching, I hit the breaks, jerked the key out of the ignition and ran into the building, blind to everything left or right. My steps echoed from the mouldy walls as I searched for any sign of life.
"Sam?" I breathed.
A scream ripped through the eerie silence, and I only realized it was my own when somebody pushed me against the wall, a hand covering my mouth. "Rachel, it's me."
I looked into Dean's green eyes and pushed him away from me. "You scared the f-ing hell out of me! Where's Sam?"
"The Alpha broke lose, it has to be somewhere around here. We split up, trying to find it."
"The Alpha's lose?" Sheer horror was written on my face, and not because a kill-crazy supercharged vamp was off the leash. "Dean, we have to find it."
"No kidding."
"No, I mean, we have to find it fast. 'Cause my parents are looking for it, too, and they have rather nasty plans with the thing. Well, even nastier than what your folks are doing to him." I tugged him along until the corridor split into two, "I'll take this way."
"You're not going after that thing alone."
"You are, why shouldn't I?" I was already around the corner before Dean could protest. I didn't know whether I'd been looking for five minutes or five hours when a step behind me made me whirl around.
"I really didn't want to this, sis, but you're forcing me to."
"Hayden, just put down the gun."
"Sorry, Rachel, can't."
I slowly took a few steps backwards. There was no way I could pull out my own gun, my brother would shoot me before I got the chance. "Why?"
"You chose the wrong team, sis." Hayden's eyes lit up with mania, "Those Winchesters, they work for demons. Your friend Sammy sprung the devil lose, he and his brother broke the damn world. Now they're getting away with that? No. They're dangerous, Rachel."
"The only danger I'm seeing right now is you. What do you want with the Alpha?"
"The story has been written, and it has to end that way."
"Insightful. Subtitles, please."
Hayden looked at me almost pitifully. "Why do you care about him so much, Rachel? He has no soul. He doesn't give a damn about you. If he had the choice between saving you and saving a bus full of strangers, he would chose the strangers over you, because he doesn't feel. While you're willing to sacrifice everything for him, for whatever reason, he wouldn't lift a finger to save you."
"You don't know that," I replied weakly. Fact was, he knew as well as I did that he was right.
"Give it up, Rachel. You'll never be happy again if you stay on the path you're on now. Let me through so Dad, Mom, Karen and I can get the Alpha."
"Why do you want it so bad?"
"It knows things."
"What things?"
"How to open the Cage again. The fight between Lucifer and Michael has to happen."
"Why? What'll that get you? Billions of people will die."
"Probably, yes," Hayden shrugged, "Higher powers are at work here, Rachel."
I shook my head in disbelief. I had always known my family was a bunch of douchebags, but they were outdoing themselves here. "So you're the angels' bitches. Good for you. What did they offer you in return? Why are working for them?"
"Nosy, always so nosy," Hayden sighed. "Now get the hell out of my way, or I swear I'll shoot."
I didn't budge.
"Seriously, sis? Willing to die for soulless Sam?"
"It's none of your business."
Hayden shook his head. "Rachel, I really don't want to hurt you. But if you don't move, I have to shoot. There's a bigger picture here."
I didn't budge.
He shot.
***
"You with me, Dean?"
Dean looked at his brother. He was torn between wanting his Sammy back and the gut-churning feeling that working for a demon caused him. He couldn't work for Crowley. He had done his share of stupid; actually, he'd done enough stupid to fill ten lifetimes. For Sam, he was more than willing to fill another ten, but he could not work for a demon.
A fraction of a memory crossed his mind; the look on Sam's face when he'd jumped into the hole. Jumped into Lucifer's Cage to save him, to save the world they had both broken.
"Yeah. I'm with you," Dean quietly said. The man standing across from him might not be Sam; but he would make sure it would be his Sammy again. He owed him that.
Sam smiled, and it was hard to tell whether it was sincere or not. Hell, was anything sincere about him these days?
"Alright, let's go find Rachel and get out of here," Dean turned towards the exit when a shot echoed through the building.
Sam and Dean exchanged a look. They both started running at the same time into the direction the shot had come from.
Sam almost wished he could feel, so that he would know whether he was supposed to be glad that Rachel was still standing – giving her brother a good beating, actually – or shocked at the blood that soaked her shirt.
When her brother was lying on the floor unconscious, his face improved by few notches, Rachel straightened up, holding a hand to her chest. She looked at his motionless body and abruptly collapsed onto the floor beside him.
"Rachel!" Sam crouched down before her.
"Where's…" She coughed, her voice was raspy, "The Alpha?"
"Long story, let's get you out of here first."
"It's not with my family, is it?" Rachel dug her fingers into Sam's shoulder insistently.
"No, demons."
"Huh. Guess that's better still."
"Come on, let's get her to a hospital," Dean urged.
"No, no hospital. It's not that bad, I'll be fine. I just need you to get the bullet out, that's all. We don't need people asking questions."
"Rachel, you're bleeding rivers here."
"Looks worse than it is. Now help me up, we need to get out of here before the rest of my family shows up."
Sam sighed in resignation. Rachel wouldn't let them take her to a hospital, no matter in how much pain she was. But soulless or not, he wouldn't let her endure the pain of walking while she had a bullet in her chest.
"Sam, my legs work fine," Rachel growled when Sam swept her up into his arms and carried her out to their cars.
He ignored her protests. "You're shaking all over. Give me your car keys."
She felt too weak to argue. "They're in my back pocket…" Rachel shifted in Sam's arms to reach there, but he was quicker. Before he sat her down in the passenger's seat, his hand went into said pocked and swiped the key.
"If my arms wouldn't hurt like shit, I'd so slap you for that now."
"There's nothing I haven't already touched, so skip the prudery talk."
Sam shut her door and walked around to the driver's side. "We should drive out of town, find a motel somewhere."
"Yeah, alright, you follow me," Dean got into his Impala, wondering whether he should really leave the bleeding Rachel alone with his brother. At the moment, he doubted Sam would either notice or care if she died under his hands.
When Sam had somehow managed to fit his giant frame into the confining space of Rachel's small car, he was welcomed by a powerful punch in his side. "What was that for?"
"Your tasteless comment."
"Someone woke up on the touchy side of the bed this morning."
"And someone else didn't. Which might be related to the two tiny facts he doesn't feel anything and doesn't sleep."
"I didn't choose this, Rachel."
"Well, neither did I. Could you please get driving?"
The next twenty minutes passed in silence.
"Rachel, I know that it won't mean much since I don't really feel it, but I am sorry that I left. I didn't know Jack died, and I'd like to believe I had stayed if I had known. Of course, I can't really be sure."
Rachel regarded him with an intense look, trying to decipher his expressionless face. It told her nothing. As always. "You know what the worst about it was?"
"No. What?"
Rachel licked her lips, wondering why she felt inclined to share this with Sam, knowing he wouldn't care. "That morning, before the police called and told me about Jack, I was going to call off the wedding."
"What?"
"Yeah," Rachel mumbled, looking absent-mindedly at her bloodied hands, "I realized that despite Jack having been the only stable person in my life, ever, I didn't love him. He wasn't right for me, even though he was perfect. Had he lived, I might have one day grown to live with the guilt of having betrayed him and of breaking up with him on our wedding day. Now that I never got the chance to explain, to never let him know the truth… it makes everything worse."
'That I betrayed him with a man who has no soul doesn't exactly help easing that guilt, either,' Rachel added in thought.
"Should I ever get my soul back somehow, I will try making it up to you, Rachel," Sam quietly said, "But without a soul, I can't get myself to care."
"Yeah, you've made that much clear, Sam. No need to repeat it over and over, I got it the first time." Rachel bit her lip. Every time she heard it from Sam's lips, it drove the knife in her heart a little deeper, twisted it a little further. "So let's just find your soul, alright? After we've patched me up, cause this hurts like crap."
Sam parked her car next to the Impala. While Dean checked into the motel, he opened the passenger's door and leaned down to help Rachel out of the car.
"Sam, I told you that my legs work just fine. Back off." Rachel growled. She tended to get even snappier when she was in pain.
"I swear, you're even more stubborn than Dean."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Rachel mumbled and dragged herself onto the motel bed.
***
I stared up at the ceiling, focussing on the part where the tapestry was peeling off and trying to gather some strength. That gun shot hurt like fucking hell. Next time I saw my brother, I'd be sure to have a firearm loaded and trained to his head.
The bleeding just wouldn't stop. I felt dizzy and weak, but not dizzy enough yet to not notice how Sam sat on the edge of the bed beside me and cut my shirt from my body with a few quick movements. "What the hell?" I shrieked indignantly.
"Don't be a wuss," Sam just said.
"Well, excuse me, but a little warning might be nice." I scooted up on the bed a little so that I leaned against the headrest and could face him.
"Alright. Rachel, I'm going to take that bullet out of your chest now, and for that, I have to get that shirt off," Sam explained with mock patience.
"The second my arm works again, I am so-" I was about to voice a creative death threat when Dean appeared at the other side of me and held out a bottle of painkillers to me.
"Take these."
"Um, I can't."
Sam took his eyes off my torso and looked me into the eyes instead. "Why?"
"Trust me, they work. You'll feel better," Dean held the pills out to me insistently.
"I'm sure, Dean… but I can't take them."
"Oh, wait, you're not a member of that creepy sect, are you?"
"No. That's not it…"
"Then why?"
"Because…" I looked at their questioning faces. Hell, Rachel, you were willing to take a bullet for them but not share one dirty little secret? "Because I don't want to fall into relapse. I take one of those; I'll fall back into very unhealthy habits."
Silence.
"Right," Sam looked at me, at my blood-ushering wound and back at me, "Well, this is going to be painful. So, you want me to knock you out or…"
"Sam. I'm not a damn Disney princess. I can take it. Now take those fucking pliers and get that bullet out of me!"
Sam rolled his eyes, reached for the alcohol and other instruments and set to work.
To say that it was a little uncomfortable having him so close to my heaving breast when I wore nothing but a bra was putting it mildly. But he worked steadily and quick, so that was something.
I blamed the shivers running through me on the cool air, not Sam's hand brushing over my bare skin. "So…" I needed to talk, or I would feel tempted to take those pain killers anyways, "My fam's after the Alphas, too."
"Why?"
"From what I understood, they want the apocalypse back." I sucked in a sharp breath as Sam entered the thin pliers into my shoulder, "And what was all that talk about purgatory?"
Dean glanced at Sam, then he turned his wonderful green eyes on me and told me about their grandfather's deal with Crowley.
"Wow. That sucks. And I thought my family was messed up." I dug my fingers into the ragged covers of the motel bed from pain. I thought my whole torso must explode from agony. "So if Samuel is Crowley's bitch, I think I have a fair guess who my fucked up mess of a family is working for."
"You want some soap to wash out that mouth of yours?"
I was sure that if glares could kill, Dean would drop dead now. "Dean. With all due respect, but you can be – ouch, damnit!"
Sam shrugged carelessly as he extracted the bullet from my gory mess of a shoulder. "Sorry."
"No, you're not."
"I could be."
I shook my head. "Whatever. Anyways, I think my parents joined the cloudy front."
"'scuse me?"
"Angels. I heard my mother say that they need the Alphas to get information on how to open the devil's cage again. Then my crazy son of a bitch of a brother spilt some more details…. Basically, they want to pop the devil back outta the cage and throw him into a ring with Michael. Doesn't sound like something demons would want."
"No, it sounds like something Raphael would want."
"Yeah, but he's a shotgun load of salt at the moment."
"His vessel, anyways. Who knows how long your folks have been working for him."
"Well, Rachel…" Sam started, "I mean, why would your family work for an angel?"
I let out a humourless laugh, "Who knows. My guess? To bring their precious Lucy back."
"They're willing to end the world to get their daughter back?"
"You kidding me? My father was willing to sell my soul for Lucy's once. Didn't work, though."
Sam huffed, "Wow." He poured alcohol onto my wound before starting to stitch me up.
'Ow' was the only word spinning around in my mind in circles right now.
"Alright, can I leave you two alone to get some dinner?"
"Course." I muttered. "Double cheeseburger for me, please. Extra bacon and onion."
Sam shook his head. "You two are like peas in a pod."
Dean left, chuckling to himself, and closed the door behind him just when Sam declared my wound to be patched up.
"Nice work," I admitted. "And… um, thanks."
"Yeah, sure."
He walked into the bathroom to wash my blood off his hands. Trying not to see any symbolism there.
I struggled to stand up and walk over to my stuff to get out a clean shirt. "Hey, Sam…"
"Yeah?"
"While you were living with me, you didn't feel anything, did you? Your soul was already gone?"
"Yes, it was, and no, I didn't feel anything." He leaned against the doorframe and watched me. "Though back then, I think I had just the slightest bit of a conscience left."
"What do you mean?"
"While I was staying with you, I could still differ right from wrong if put my mind to it. Then I found out about Samuel, and ever since I've been hunting with him, I think that little bit of conscience, instinct or whatever it is that makes up a soul disappeared."
I bit my lips, not able to deny the foreboding that I might have saved Sam… that he might have saved himself from losing even that tiny part of himself. If he had just stayed.
"Sam… if you didn't feel anything…Then why…" I wondered how to best phrase this, "Then why did you sleep with me?"
Sam remained completely unmoved.
"If you're going to say that it was because I was convenient, then don't say anything at all, 'cause that's really not what I need to hear."
"No, Rachel, that wasn't the reason. And it wasn't only because you're hot, either," Sam replied evenly and stepped into the room. I let him get so close to me that our bodies nearly touched. "To be honest, I don't know why. Maybe because I thought that if I had my soul, it's what I'd have done… or maybe because I knew that sleeping with you the night before your wedding was exactly something I would definitely not do if I had my soul."
"So, what, I was a test to see whether you were you or not?"
"No, I already knew that I wasn't who I used to be… you…" From the look on Sam's face, he was trying to figure out the right words, as instinct or tact certainly wouldn't tell him what to say. "You were an advantage of not being able to feel guilt, scruples or alike. I mean, you were engaged, you've been Jess' best friend, we were friends and nothing more; you were sweet, unspoilt, respectable… you were basically the one woman I should have stayed away from. But I didn't, and I didn't even feel bad about. I still don't."
I huffed, not knowing what to make of that. "Advantage as in 'convenient, quick and disposable' or advantage as in…"
"As in 'something I really wanted to do and luckily didn't have to care about consequences since I couldn't feel.'"
"Whatever exactly that means," I grumbled, though I was appeased at least a little. The part with the consequences, though: Not true, definitely not. Everything would have been so much easier if I had never slept with Sam.
"Rachel, I'm sorry, I know that it's not what you want to hear."
"Damn straight it isn't," I glared up at him, "It fucking hurts, Sam."
"I thought you said I didn't hurt you?"
"Well, I lied," I snapped. Deciding that now the truth was out, I might as well spill the whole jug: "It hurt like hell. And it still does."
I had sworn myself to never, ever, do it again, but once Sam's lips met mine, all resolution I might have had to never kiss him again went out the window. I let him lay his hands on my hips, pull my body closer to his, I let his tongue dominate mine… I let it all happen, too weak to resist but not weak enough not to participate.
Tears ran over my cheeks. "Sam… please, don't. It only makes it worse."
"Why?"
My little laugh sounded brittle. He really didn't feel anything, had no empathy. "Do you have even the slightest idea how I feel? It's nothing for you, but for me… Damnit, it's like living through it all over! You still don't feel it, Sam. You kiss me, but you don't feel anything for me, while I break apart inside because I know I'm basically replacable. Meaningless."
"You're not meaningless to me, Rachel… it's just…"
"Don't stumble over words you don't understand. Just drop it," I forced a bitter smile onto my lips and stepped back.
"Why do you care so much?"
"I've got my reasons." I turned away, not able to look into his unyielding eyes any longer.
The next second I found myself pressed against the wall and Sam's hand around my neck. I breathed heavily, though he didn't apply pressure – yet – and stared at him in shock, as well as defiance. Maybe I even expressed a little temptation with my eyes, too.
"That's not good enough, Rachel."
"Well, tough, it'll have to do. I'm not sharing and caring with you as long as you don't have a soul! So, let's just get it back, then we can talk about my motives."
Sam didn't move. For minutes, we remained like that; my body trapped between him and the wall, his hand around my throat, a second away from snapping my neck if he wanted to.
Could you have a conscience, could you judge ethically and morally correct when you lacked a soul? I doubted it.
Our lips hovered millimetres away from each other. I could feel Sam's breath on my cheek, steady like his heartbeat drumming against my chest.
We might have remained like that forever, if the key turning in the lock wouldn't have made Sam step back, slowly easing his grip on me. His hand slid down my throat, over my collarbone and clavicle, as if he didn't truly wish to release me.
Dean looked at us, and I was sure he sensed the tension in the air as well as the subliminal sexual edge to it. "Everything okay here?"
"Yeah, fine."
Longest Chapter yet! Special thanks to niknakz93 for her continuous support and CherryMae for her great feedback! :)
Hope you all enjoyed!
