Pain Redefined
Chapter 7
"I don't understand."
"What?"
"Why do all this and then just kill yourself? He had a good life. He had money, friends, a job that all his co-workers said he enjoyed. So why? I just...I don't understand."
"If you try to figure out the reasons as to why people do some of the things they do, you'll kill yourself."
"It doesn't...it doesn't make sense."
"...I had a friend, Charlie. He, um, he worked in a zoo, loved animals, loved his job there. He used to drag me and a group of friends we had to all his family outings out on a ranch where he grew up. His mother would make this amazing fish sauce for spaghetti. It was so good, even if I was full I would force myself to eat more. His father, damn he taught all of us how to shoot those flying discs people use for aiming practice, how to milk a cow...and other animal stuff."
"Ryan what are you..."
"His sister, Kim was an amazing artist. I have one of her paintings in my place. We had so much fun on those days. He was one of the happiest guys I knew. Always smiling."
"..."
"Then one day I get a call. It's his sister. She told me that...that Charlie had committed suicide, he hung himself in the barn. I rushed so fast up to the ranch I didn't even remember getting in my car. By the time I got there the cops were leaving. I don't really remember much of what happened while I was there. I remember asking if he left a note, they told me that all it said was, "I'm sorry." I spent weeks looking for a reason. A reason why killed himself, why he was sorry. I thought there might be a deeper meaning. I checked everything I could, if something happened at work, at home, if he was in debt, if someone was bothering him, threatening him, stalking him, everything because the Charlie I knew, would never have any reason to do this to himself. In the end I found nothing. Charlie was always the Charlie I knew, no secret debts, no dark and shifty actions. He was just Charlie."
"..."
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, some people, you just can't figure out why they do some of the things they do. No one ever will ever know why Charlie killed himself that night. Maybe we all missed something, maybe he was good at hiding how he truly felt. I don't know. Some mysteries are never meant to be solved. I guess that's just life."
Beckett opened her eyes to a white ceiling, remembering that first night at the hospital and her conversation with Ryan. She shifted on the couch she was currently laying on. She turned to the bed which was in the room, to find the occupant smiling at her.
"Hey," she said as she got up and went to the side of the bed. "you're up. How do you feel?"
"A little sore, but I'm sure the morphine's blocking out more of the pain." Esposito said as he smiled up at her. "How long was I out?"
"Um, about two weeks. Doctor wanted to keep you out due to the burns."
Esposito nodded. "So how long have you two been here, sleeping on hospital furniture?" he asked as he motioned towards Ryan who was sitting up, clearly asleep with his hand holding his head up.
"A few hours."
Esposito shifted in the bed. His whole body was sore and he could feel the dull ache of his broken ankle.
"Castle," Beckett looked up. "is he okay?"
Beckett bit her lip and he could see tears in her eyes. "Yeah, doctor's say he'll be okay. You both are going to be okay. He hasn't woken up yet as far as I know. His burns were a little more severe so he might be out for a few more days." While she said this she didn't make eye contact with him.
"Why aren't you with him?"
"Martha and Alexis are with him, it would be rude for me to intrude."
"You and I both know that's a lie," Esposito looked at her, but she refused to look at him. "Kate," he said as he grabbed her hand. "what happened?" She looked up at him and the tears were falling now.
"They had to amputate his arm," she finally said.
"What, no, no, it was just broken. If anything his leg was trapped."
"His left was amputated. We made good timing, we got you out and we were able to get Castle's leg out too. But something went wrong, something happened as we began to move him and the rubble came down on his arm and almost on the men working. But he was beginning to run a fever. They said it would take to much time. He would die of infection before we could get all the equipment ready to free him. Amputation was faster."
Esposito laid back on his pillow and closed his eyes. They made it out alive, but not without scars.
"I know what you're thinking," he said without opening his eyes. "It's not your fault."
The bright light burned as he tried to open his eyes. He let out a groan as he tried to shift positions, but found he barely could. He heard shuffling around him and voices but could yet make out what they were saying.
"Dad?"
He turned to where he heard the voice of his daughter and squinted until his eyes adjusted. He saw his daughter beside him, starting at him with bloodshot and tear filled eyes.
"Hey, pumpkin," he said with a small smile.
"Oh, Daddy," Alexis said as tears fell from her eyes. He went to go wipe her tears away but found his right arm in a sling and his left arm...
It felt surreal to him. To see nothing there yet feel as if it was. He turned away and noticed his mother standing by the doorway giving him a sad smile, which he returned. "How do you feel, kiddo?" she asked as she sat down next to Alexis and wrapped her arm around her.
"Sore and thirsty," he said.
"Hey," Esposito said as he wheeled into Castle's room.
"Hey, you look good." Esposito laughed and wheeled up next to the bed. "You do, too," he said.
Castle's smile wavered a bit at this.
"Where's Alexis and your mother?"
"I was finally able to convince Alexis I'd be fine and got her to go to school and told my mother to get some rest."
Esposito nodded.
"How are you holding up?"
"I'll be okay, to be honest, I didn't expect..."
"Yeah, I didn't expect to wake up either."
"I don't mind," Castle said. Esposito turned to him slightly confused. "About my arm," Castle continued. "I mean, things are gonna be a lot different, yeah, but, this time, I have Alexis, my mother, you guys...Kate. Where is Beckett by the way? She hasn't...she hasn't been by."
Esposito turned away from Castle.
"She blames herself doesn't she?"
Beckett sat at her desk and watched as the clock chimed twelve. She knew that Castle was being released from the hospital today and wondered if he was out by now. Esposito strolled over to her, she could still see a slight limp in his walk.
"You know he thinks you hate him," he said suddenly. "you haven't seen him in like two months."
"I don't hate him," she said defensively. "and we've talked on the phone. I've been busy, I just don't have the time to pay him a visit."
Esposito nodded with a sly smile. "Right, but you're making yourself busy," he said as he pointed at her as he walked away. She starred after him, at his arms where the scars of the burns lingered.
"Hey! Shouldn't you be resting?" Beckett looked up as she heard Ryan speak.
"I've been resting for months, plus I wanted to try out my cane," Castle said in a cheerful voice. Beckett turned down to her desk and tried to focus on paperwork, but she heard him coming over.
She didn't look up as he took a seat in his chair.
"You've been avoiding me, Detective."
"I told you I've been busy." Beckett looked towards him. She couldn't help but linger on the empty coat arm and the burn scars on his neck before looking him in the eyes.
"Something else is bothering you," he said. "I know we've passed the whole arm thing, but, there's something else that's bothering you and it obviously concerns me since you haven't wanted to see me."
"Castle, nows not the time," Beckett said as she stood up.
"Kate, please, I want..." Castle stopped talking as his eyes fell upon boxes in Montgomery's office. Beckett followed his gaze. She went to say something but he was already heading towards them.
"Castle, I wasn't aware you were here," Captain Montgomery said as he stood up from his desk as Castle wandered into his office. Castle ignored him and read the lid of the box.
"Castle..." Beckett said from the doorway.
"What are these doing here?" he asked, his voice steady. Beckett could feel the tension in the air.
"I...I thought they'd help in the investigation. Give us some clue as to how Cole Gray worked."
"Oh...did they?"
Beckett was slightly stunned and turned to the Captain, he just shrugged. "Yeah, we were able to figure out that-"
"Good," Castle cut her off.
"We...didn't watch all of them Castle."
Castle turned to her. "I want you to help me with something. Can we take these out back?"
"Is it really safe to be doing this?" Ryan asked as he lit a match.
"We have a fire extinguisher," Esposito said.
"Wait, wait, did you take out the one I asked?"
"Last session?" Esposito asked as he read the label on the tape. Castle nodded. "Here."
"Good, okay, go ahead."
Beckett watched as the boxes got consumed by the flames. She turned to Castle and could see in his eyes that a great weight was lifted from his shoulders.
"I could never fully understand why I kept those horrible memories preserved. I feel like I'm finally free."
Beckett smiled.
"What's on that one though?" Ryan asked as he pointed to the tape in Castle's hand. Castle smiled and handed it to Beckett.
"I know which ones you watched, I know what you saw and heard, and I think I know what's bothering you," Castle said. "I want you to watch this one." He placed the tape in her hand and bent down to whisper in her ear. "Show you my reason to live." He pulled back and planted a kiss on her forehead as Ryan and Esposito were distracted with extinguishing the fire.
Beckett could feel heat on her face, whether it was from the fire Ryan and Esposito were now putting out or the blood that rushed to her face she wasn't sure. She gripped the video in her hand and watched as Castle said his good-byes to Ryan and Esposito and watched as he limped out of sight.
She looked down at the tape and wonder what was on it.
"Only one way to find out," she mumbled to herself.
