Chapter 7 – Bride.

My room looked so bare.

I couldn't help but feel a little dismal as I looked around. The bed I was sitting on was still covered with the patchwork quilt, but the embroidered cushions were gone from the narrow window seat and the bookcase was empty of the books and knick knacks that usually cluttered the shelves. The dressing table held only a scatter of hair pins and my bridal bouquet, waiting for me to carry it on my walk down the aisle. I couldn't see it, but I knew that the wardrobe and drawers were empty too, all my things taken to Charles' house the previous day.

My house, I corrected myself, trying to make it feel like it was true. It was my wedding day, and tonight I wouldn't be Esme Platt anymore, but Esme Evenson, and Charles would take me home to our house.

Absently I drew my legs up onto the bed, resting my chin on my knees. It felt so strange to look at the sunshine out my window and hear the noise drifting in from the orchard and know that all those people were there to see me married to Charles! I was just waiting until the right time and then Mother would come and fetch me and Father would walk me down the aisle. There would be the wedding and then a lunch, and then I would put on the pretty blue going-away dress that was hanging in Mother's room and that would be it. I touched the pearl on my finger. I was hardly even used to wearing this large engagement ring, and now I was going to be a bride.

"Esme! Oh heavens, stand up…your dress!" Mother scolded, as she bustled into the room. "Honestly!"

I scrambled to my feet, letting Mother flap at the full skirt of the dress, clucking about the creases I'd put into it by sitting so carelessly on the bed. I just shook my head. It wasn't as though you could see anything amiss- I might have creased the silk but the fluttering layers of lace overlaying it would hide that from view.

I did like my dress. It had been my grandmother's, a simple style with elbow length sleeves and a plain bodice, with layers of lace overlaying the full skirt and lace trimming the sleeves and neckline. My grandmother must have worn it with hoops, but I didn't want to do that and it looked lovely without. No good for climbing trees, but it did have a wonderful way of swishing about my legs when I had danced around the dining room in it when no one was looking!

Mother stopped fussing and took my cheeks in both her hands, kissing me soundly on the forehead. "I'm so pleased for you," she said, her voice catching. "You've grown into a beautiful young woman, and you've found a good, well-respected man to be your husband. I hope you'll be very happy Esme."

I hugged her tightly, careless of any creases that I might put in her or my clothes. "I love you Mama. I'm going to miss you." That was true. Part of me was excited about my new life, about being a wife with my own house and living in town, but I knew I would be terribly homesick for my parents and the familiarity of the farm.

"Of course you will, but you'll be too busy to worry about anything like that," Mother said firmly. "You must concentrate on being a good wife Esme Anne. You'll have lots to occupy yourself with learning to run your own house and take care of Charles. We've talked about it all and I've lent you my household manual and you may ask for any advice you need of course, but you must do your best and make it work."

I nodded. In the two months of my engagement my mother had crammed in lessons on everything she thought I ought to know, and my head was full to bursting with recipes and household hints and tips. "I think I've got everything."

"Good girl. I know you'll be fine." Mother rearranged the veil hanging down my back, poking the pins holding it more firmly into my hair. "Let's get your bouquet. They're ready for you, and we don't want to keep everyone waiting."

My heart was thumping as I picked up my bouquet, and I had a sudden, blinding desire to run far away. But it was far too late for second thoughts, so I took a deep breath as I picked up the flowers and followed Mother out of the house and over to the orchard gate, where Father was waiting.

I didn't have any attendants. I had hoped Lucy would be matron of honour for me, but she was quite pregnant by then and wasn't comfortable standing up with me. So it was just Father and I walking across the orchard grass towards Charles and the minister, who were standing in front of an apple tree with branches heavy with fruit.

The ceremony felt almost as though it was happening to someone else. I looked at Charles and I said the words obediently when the minister directed me to speak, and I let him slide the plain gold band onto my finger, where it nestled in beside the pearl and diamond flower. I kissed him as the sun shone warm on my shoulders and the scent of apples and mown grass drifted past, and I walked back down the aisle with my arm tucked in Charles' elbow and accepted the hugs and kisses and congratulations. And all the time, none of it felt real.

Charles kept me by his side as everyone ate the luncheon, and I began to feel more like myself when he brought me a plate of food and a drink of lemonade. Everyone was happy for us, and I felt almost overwhelmed with the amount of good wishes and congratulations.

Lucy came inside to help me off with the wedding dress and on with the going-away dress when the time came. Her big belly was only partly hidden by her loose dress, and it bumped against my hip when she reached up to detach the veil.

"It was a lovely wedding…and you always said you were so happy to be a spinster!" she teased me, laying the veil across the bed and

"I would have been!" I protested, laughing. "But I think this might be nice too."

I hoped my marriage would be nice. I was fond of Charles, but my feelings for him hadn't deepened into love, and deep inside I still wasn't sure I had done the right thing. But my parents were so happy, and Father had told me how relieved he was that I would be taken care of no matter what happened to he and Mother. I couldn't be sorry that I'd taken that worry about him. I said nothing of this to Lucy though.

"It will be," Lucy said confidently. "And just think, Charles and Nicholas are cousins, so now it's like we're really family."

I gave her a genuine smile. "Thank you for being such a good friend Lucy." I shrugged out of the wedding gown and laid it across the bed with the veil, leaving them both for Mother to deal with. I tugged on my new blue dress and fastened the buttons with shaking hands, realising how close we were to the moment that I would have to leave.

"Were you frightened?" I asked Lucy abruptly. "After your wedding? It's all going to be so different."

Lucy shook her head. "No. I loved Nicholas for a long time. I know it's been much less time for you to get used to the idea with Charles, but you don't need to be afraid." She hesitated. "You know about…tonight?"

"Yes, I know about all that." I'd grown up on a farm and knew as much as all farm children did about such things, and then my mother had proved almost disturbingly frank in her determination to see me prepared for all areas of being a wife. "I'm not scared of that, not exactly. It's just…everything, you know?"

"I think I know." Lucy's hand rubbed her rounded belly unconsciously as she smiled at me, and then leaned forward and impulsively kissed my cheek. "You'll be fine though Esme, really you will."

There was a shout from the yard, and I took a deep breath and picked up my clutch. "I guess it's time."

Lucy held my hand in hers as the two of us walked out to the front porch. My parents hugged and kissed me goodbye, and then Charles helped me up into the buggy and we drove away under a shower of rice and shouted good wishes.

The noise of the party at the farm was long behind us when I sighed and finally relaxed a little. Charles gave me a small sideways smile.

"Are you glad that's over then?"

I giggled. "A little bit," I confessed. "I don't know how I feel about being the centre of attention like that, and I was so scared that I'd trip or drop the flowers or forget the words!"

Charles chuckled, and rubbed his hand against my thigh. "You were perfect."

"Are you glad it's over?" I asked. "Did you feel awkward too?"

"No," Charles shook his head. "I didn't feel particularly awkward…but I am glad it's over because now you're my wife and I get to take you home."

I flushed under his intense gaze and squirmed in embarrassment. Oh…that. I had told the truth when I told Lucy I wasn't afraid of what Charles would want to do to me, but it wasn't as though I was necessarily very comfortable with the prospect. In all honesty the idea seemed preposterous…how could you and a man do something like that and not laugh?

"Are you tired?" Charles asked as we turned into his street.

I shook my head. "Not that much."

"We'll take the horse to the stable and then walk," Charles decided, and drew up in front of the livery stables where he kept the horse. The groom came out and added his congratulations, calling me Mrs Evenson which made me blush and bite back a laugh. I'd spent twenty one years being Esme Platt, and I wondered how long it would take me to feel like the name Mrs Evenson belonged to me.

I still felt awkward when we were at last inside Charles' house. My house, I told myself fiercely. I was glad I'd brought my things along yesterday because it made me feel at least a little bit at home to see my paintings hung on the walls and the tablecloth I'd embroidered myself spread over the table in the kitchen.

"Supper?" Charles asked, "Something light, after that excellent lunch."

I nodded and blushed as I stumbled around the kitchen, conscious of him watching me as I made omelettes and fried potatoes. I was terrified that I'd burn it or drop the pan or somehow ruin this first meal together, and it was with a great sense of relief that I placed the plates in front of Charles and sat down.

"This is good," Charles complimented me, but apart from that we ate in silence. At least, he ate. I nibbled at some potatoes and stirred the eggs around to make it look as though I was eating, but the sky was growing darker and I was growing far too anxious about the night ahead to make my stomach accept a big meal.

Once he'd finished eating, Charles yawned and stretched in his chair. "It's been a long day," he commented. "I think we should turn in. You go in first- I'll have a smoke and see to the fire before I come in."

Silently I used the washroom as Charles sat on the front porch with his pipe, and then I closed myself into the bedroom. I was careful to hang my blue dress back up in the cupboard, rather than fling it over the chair as I usually did at home, and then I found my nightgowns in the drawer and slipped one on. The night air was cool and I shivered as I pulled the pins out of my hair and brushed it quickly, braiding it into a long plait that hung down my back almost to my waist. My face in the mirror looked pale and terrified, and I crossed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at my own reflection and then giggled at myself. Whatever happened it couldn't be that bad, surely? Everyone did it, and Charles was nice. It would be okay.

Hearing his heavy tread in the hallway I took a flying leap onto the bed and hastily pulled the covers over me. Lying down felt too strange and vulnerable though, so I was sitting up with my chin resting on my bent knees when Charles entered the room. Seeing me, he smiled.

"Okay?"

I nodded, glad the room was dim enough that he couldn't see me blushing. This all felt like some elaborate game of pretend, and yet as I watched Charles remove his waistcoat and trousers and shirt, getting down to his underclothes before even those were discarded and left on the floor I knew it was anything but a game. Scared to see him naked I buried my face in my arms until I felt the bed move as he sat down on it.

Charles slid into bed beside me, but rather than dithering about like I was doing he just yawned again and stretched out on his back before he rolled over on his side to face me.

"Lie down," he requested, and I squirmed down under the covers. The bed was softer than mine at home, and I thought it would be comfortable when I actually relaxed enough to enjoy it.

Charles toyed with the end of my braid, tickling my neck and face with it until I giggled and pushed his hand away. "Your mother talked to you?" he asked, as he dropped the braid and his hands moved to the buttons on the front of my nightie.

I nodded wordlessly. Braced for him to just start getting down to business I was a little surprised when Charles leaned closer to me and kissed me. Softly at first, and then a little harder, his kisses made my heart and my belly flutter, so much so that when he first began unbuttoning my nightie I didn't even notice. I did notice when he pulled it open to expose my breasts, and I shivered as his hot hands cupped and squeezed and caressed. When he lowered his mouth to them and took a nipple in his mouth I yelped, astonished at the way it made me feel. Mother hadn't told me about this. She hadn't told me I might enjoy it.

Charles growled and suckled harder, pulling my nipple deeper into his mouth as he began drawing up my nightgown. I felt his hand sliding up my leg, bunching the fabric up around my hips, his fingers squeezing my behind and then trailing around to push in between my thighs. For a moment I tensed, clamping my legs together.

"Let me," Charles said hoarsely.

Hesitantly I relaxed my legs, letting him push them further apart until he could reach in between, trying not to squirm away from his touch. Sensing my reluctance Charles leaned over and kissed me again, playing with my breasts until I was half dizzy. Much to my surprise he broke off the kiss and spat into his hand, which he then rubbed in between my legs.

At first I was disgusted, but the saliva made his hand slippery and the uncomfortable groping soon turned to something else completely as his fingers found parts of my body that I didn't even know existed.

Oh. My. Goodness. Why didn't I get married years ago?

I didn't know what was happening, what all these waves of heat and pleasure that were making my thighs tremble were leading up to. But before I could find out Charles rolled on top of me with a grunt, and I felt something hard pushing into me, splitting me open as I gasped in a silent scream.

The pain only lasted a second. As Charles moved in me, his weight pinning me to the bed, I began to feel some slight stirrings of the pleasure he had brought me with his hands. Before it could build into anything Charles gave a final, heavy thrust and then groaned, his whole body shuddering over mine. For a moment I couldn't even breathe with his weight on me, but then he kissed my forehead, rolled off me and was asleep almost in minutes.

When he started snoring very soon afterward I gently slid my own hand down in between my legs, touching myself for the first time. I hoped I wasn't bleeding on the clean sheets- everything was wet but nothing hurt. And then I found the place that Charles had been touching and bit my lip to keep silent as I circled and rubbed and teased until all that unfamiliar throbbing and tingling coalesced into the most intense burst of pleasure imaginable. Praying I wouldn't wake Charles, I buried my face in the pillow as my entire body shook and a grin of pure bliss split my face.

Maybe marriage would be good after all.