A/N: This chapter sees another not-so-subtle parallel between Lily and Ellie, but also gets at the keystones of Tess's mindset and how it developed. I've always wondered if and how it shaped Joel's own mindset, and how his shaped her. Everyone handles the past differently. I wanted to see how Tess handles hers.
Chapter 7: Conviction
Lily sat alone. Tess looked on from safe distance. Two days after, and Lily had barely uttered a word to anyone. At the motel, she wordlessly picked her room and left the door ajar, sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring down at the bandana in her hands. The silence frustrated Tess. Her sister needed to snap out of it. But Tess knew better. Simply coaxing her past this state wouldn't work. It would take time.
Tess would have liked to think that she would always have time for her sister. But that wasn't the way it worked anymore.
"How's she doing?" Lynn asked hesitantly, coming up beside Tess, also watching Lily.
Tess turned halfway to face her and spotted Jack beside her. "About as you'd expect," she replied. "Still hasn't said a word."
"You worried about her?"
"When am I not?" Tess shrugged. "I've been where she's at before. We all have. Everyone handles it their own way." She paused a moment, still looking at Lily, who was probably aware that she was the topic of discussion. "I guess I'm just hoping she can handle it."
"You want me to talk to her? Try, at least?" Lynn suggested.
Tess smiled at her. Lynn still blamed herself for losing track of Lily, and now she was trying to make amends. A spirit so warm and compassionate surviving in this world was a blessing. "Be my guest," she said.
Placing a hand on Tess's shoulder as she passed. Lynn went to Lily's room and knocked on the door. A few moments later, she entered and greeted Lily warmly, closing the door behind her. "Thank God for Lynn," Jack said thoughtfully.
The conversation behind the door was muted, so Tess had little choice but to face Jack instead. "She knows what she's doing," she said.
Jack shrugged. "Well, so do you." Tess shook her head and leaned on the railing of the balcony. The motel parking lot was dimly lit by the moon's spectral light, making the setting almost serene. Jack observed the view with her. "Yeah, it's not easy the first time, being close enough to see the lights go out, especially when it was by your hand, I mean…" Tess didn't reply. That wasn't the conversation she wanted to have right now. "Lily's in good hands. You don't have to worry." Again, Tess remained silent. Jack got the hint and changed tactics.
"I must say, we're doing better than I thought we would."
"You didn't think we'd all still breathing by this point?" Tess asked wryly.
Jack smiled, satisfied with the successful conversation starter. "Yeah, there's that. But also how far we've gotten already. Everyone's feeling pretty good. Supplies are holding. I'd say we're doing all right."
"Oh yeah, for sure. I only scarred my little sister the other day," Tess said dryly. "That aside, situation normal."
Doubt flickered across Jack's face. "Well… it's like you said, we've all been there," he reasoned. "She just needs time. She wasn't hurt. You weren't hurt. We're doing fine." Tess tightened her jaw. Jack was no idealist, but he liked to make a show of when things went his way, foregoing anyone else's thoughts or feelings. "Matter of fact," he continued, his tone shifted. "I imagine someone's gonna be in a good mood pretty soon."
"Would that someone be me?" Tess asked without hiding the contempt in her voice.
"No, not you." He paused, wearing a wide, weird smile.
"Then who?" Tess didn't feel like guessing. "You're gonna make things all better with Lily? You got some of your old friends back? You found a bus straight to Cleveland? What do you got?"
Getting the message, Jack gave in. "It's Benji. Well, he and Nicole."
Tess raised an eyebrow. She would have thought the only thing that would ever give him joy would be to see her voted out of the group. Or shot dead. "Why him? He's not still brooding over his heroics at the service station?"
"Not for long," Jack said, clearly eager for the reveal. "I imagine being a dad will improve his mood real quick."
For a moment, Tess missed the point. She'd never expected to hear this sort of news, at least not with a positive connotation, ever again. "You… you mean…" she stammered. "Nicole?"
Jack nodded gleefully. "Just tonight. When we went out for supplies, she asked me to look for pregnancy tests. Paul and I came across a few. Turns out it's a good thing we did."
Tess brought a hand over her mouth and giggled. "That… that's great. Oh my God, that's amazing! Was she excited?"
"Just a bit." Jack's weird smile widened. "When I first saw her, I thought she was sick or something. But she held up the test and just started giggling to herself, so I imagine she's okay with it."
Tess adopted a goofy smile of her own as she pictured Nicole—sardonic, hardened Nicole—skipping around like a schoolgirl. She wouldn't have imagined any of them being that happy for some time. It actually made her feel better. "That's great." Then it occurred to her. "How does Benji not know?"
Finally, Jack's smile vanished, as abruptly as it had come. "Well, we haven't found him yet."
"Haven't found him? How can you not find him? He and Nicole are never two feet apart unless they have to be. Where did he go?"
"We don't know." Jack faced the parking lot and lowered his head. "Greg was supposed to come tell me once they found him. Didn't think it'd take this long..."
Just then, Tess felt her stomach tighten. Was it because of what happened at the service station? Had the encounter scared him off? It didn't seem likely, but then he and Nicole being apart for so long wasn't easily explained either. "When was the last time you saw him?" Tess asked, trying to stave off any visible guilt.
"Just this afternoon, after we settled in here," Jack replied, no doubt feeling guilty himself. "He'd been quiet for a bit, but I didn't think there was anything wrong. Did you?"
"Not really," Tess lied. "But he has been avoiding me, so…" Or I've been avoiding him. "I really can't say."
Jack nodded and stared out over the lot again. The silence between them was filled by a chorus of crickets from the woods around the motel. Tess couldn't usually read him very well, but the twinkle that was in his eye not two minutes ago was gone. He was feeling so good about their conditions, and now this came up. His face looked older in the moonlight. "She's not gonna last."
"Jack?" Nicole said, arriving swiftly on the balcony. "Anything?"
Jack turned to her and put a hand on her shoulder once she was in reach. "Not yet, but we'll keep looking."
The sentiment was by no means reassuring and Jack probably hadn't intended it to be. There was little else he could say. Nicole looked so helpless. Her desperate eyes lingered on him, then fell on Tess. "What did you do?" she whispered, her eyes and voice cold.
Tess swallowed. "What do you mean?"
"You were with them when he went looking for supplies. When he came back, he was different. There was something off about him and it's only gotten worse since then. What happened?" Jack started to hold her back but she shrugged him off. "What did you do to him? Did you say something? Did you make him leave me?"
"I didn't do anything!" Tess defended. She wanted to sympathize with Nicole, but at the same time didn't have the energy for this. "Don't try that shit on me! I've barely said a word to him! What could I have done?"
"You scared him!" Nicole spat, beginning to break down. "You intimidated him just like you did everyone else in Detroit and now he's gone! He's gone!" She looked like she would collapse. "It's your fault!" she screamed and lunged at Tess.
Tess caught her forearms and lifted them above her head. Jack wrapped his arms around Nicole's waist and pulled her away. Tess lifted her foot to push her away, but the woman kept sobbing and thrashing at her. "Nicole!" Tess yelled over her, to no effect.
"Leave her alone!" Lily shouted.
Tess found her sister standing beside her with Lynn. Nicole finally stopped resisting Jack but continued to sob. "It's your fault!" she repeated.
"She saved him!" Lily said, actually getting Nicole's attention. "You can't blame Tess for this! She's the reason he's still alive!"
Everyone was speechless, Tess in particular. She didn't expect Nicole to turn on her with Lily running to her aid. If anything, she would have predicted the opposite. Nicole brushed strands of her dirty-blonde hair out of her face and forced herself out of Jack's grasp. She stared at Tess again, her fury melting back into sorrow. "He's a dad and he doesn't even know," she said softly. Her eyes met Tess's one more time. "It's your fault…"
With that, she walked off, whimpering quietly to herself. Jack turned to Tess. He splayed his arms in a deflated shrug. He was about to say something, but instead sulked away. If he didn't blame himself before, he did now.
Lynn placed her hand on Tess's shoulder again. "I'll talk to her," she said.
This time, Tess stopped her. "Don't bother, she won't listen." She glanced at Lily. "Just… I don't know, give her a couple days."
Lynn nodded. "Okay. I think I'll go to bed soon. Talk to you tomorrow?" she asked Lily.
"Sure," Lily said. "Goodnight."
Lynn walked back to her room, leaving only the two of them. Tess hesitated to face her until Lily nudged her. "Hey," she said. "You okay?"
Tess smirked sadly. "Still breathing. You?"
"Still breathing." Lily tried to smile, but her eyes were distant. "Gotta be rough on Nicole."
"Yeah," Tess said. "It'll be rough on all of us, especially Jack."
Lily didn't say anything at first. Tess worried she'd squandered the new opportunity for dialogue. "She doesn't blame you," Lily said. "Deep down. She'll pout it out at first, but… she'll come around."
Tess smiled. The tension between them had diminished just like that. Whatever Lynn did, it worked. Lily held up her bandana and offered it to Tess. "You hold onto it," Tess said, closing Lily's fingers around it. Lily put her other hand over Tess's. It was her way of both apologizing and thanking her sister. It was awkward, but it was better than silence. "Don't get mushy on me, girl."
Lily laughed and looked down, then gazed out over the parking lot. Tess knew what she was thinking. "You think Benji will be okay?" she asked.
Careful not to hesitate, Tess quickly replied, "I sure that, wherever he is, he knows what he's doing." That one may have worked on Jack, but not Lily. They both knew from experience that he was nothing without Nicole. He wouldn't last. So what'll Nicole be without him? Tess couldn't help the next thought that came to her. What would Lily be without me? "We'll be okay," she added.
"I know," Lily said, wrapping the bandana around her fingers. Her eyes were different; they didn't shine the way they used to when she stared into the night, but it was mostly exhaustion. After another few moments, she went back to the room. "I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Don't stay up too long."
Tess scoffed and said, "You're one to talk."
Lily didn't respond and closed the door. Curt, but the interaction just then went better than Tess expected to begin with. Things between them would get better from there. She just needed time.
"Want the rest?" Ellie asked, breaking the silence and Tess's line of thought.
She glanced over at Ellie, who extended a soup can with a small portion remaining. Tess shook her head. "I'm fine. You have it."
"You sure? It's not that bad, actually. I mean, it's 20-year-old chicken, but it's edible."
"You need it more than I do," Tess said. "Finish it."
"Okay." Ellie downed what was left in the can, clearly hungrier than she led on.
The girl finished it so quickly, some overflowed onto her chin. Tess smiled fondly as Ellie wiped it off with her sleeve. "A little here," Tess said, tapping her right cheek. Ellie wiped the corresponding area on her face. Tess glimpsed a darker mark on her eyebrow and asked amusedly, "How did you get some in your eyebrow?"
"What?" Ellie looked at her, and Tess then realized the smudge in her scarred eyebrow wasn't soup. It was dried blood, leftover from Pittsburgh. When Ellie wiped it off and looked at what was on her sleeve, she came to the same conclusion. "Oh…"
Tess was certain that the scene just replayed itself in Ellie's head. With a gentle push on her shoulder, she snapped her out of it. "You all right?"
Ellie blinked twice and nodded. "Yeah. I just…" She perseverated on her sleeve. "missed a spot."
"You look good now," Tess said feebly, trying to keep her in the present. "You're okay."
Ellie didn't look up at first. "And?" she said.
"And what?" Tess said. "You're okay. There's nothing else to that."
"What about the other people in Pittsburgh? What about that kid? What about—"
"Not our problem," Tess replied as gently as she could. "We look out for ourselves and do whatever we can to survive. That's all there is."
"But…" Ellie stammered. "In Pittsburgh…"
"That was then, Ellie," she said. "We need to think about now."
"But I want to talk about it."
Tess sighed. There was so much more for her to understand than could be explained. She knew how Joel would respond, how he always responded whenever Tess tried to pry something out of him. "Things happen and we move on."
That was Joel. That was his life motto since the day she met him, and she'd heard it so many times since she started to believe it herself. There were numerous parts of her past she wouldn't let even Joel in on, but the fact that she kept them to herself didn't shape her mindset. Not until recently, however. "What is there to talk about it?" Tess asked.
"Well, like… who were they?" Ellie said. "Could we have helped them?"
"No, Ellie." Tess shook her head. "Don't ask those questions. The only thing you'll get is more confusion. More ways to ask, 'Why?' There's no 'why' in what we've done. All that matters is what we're doing."
Ellie knew her point was defeated, but she persisted. "You don't even wonder about what happened before?"
Tess stared out at the view again. The Chicago QZ sat in the distance. She couldn't make out from there whether it was controlled or abandoned. The overcast weather shed a gray light on the city, making one side of its walls indistinguishable from the other. "I used to," she admitted. "But like I said, it only brings on more questions I can't answer."
"You can't?" Ellie asked. "Or you just don't want to?"
The girl had been ready for this conversation. "Sometimes it's both," Tess said. "You keep wondering what could have happened, what you could have done differently, you'll drive yourself crazy. You just..." Tess gritted her teeth. "move on."
"That's why we don't talk about Joel?"
Tess hesitated. For just a moment, she saw Joel's eyes again, right before she left him. It was look she'd never gotten from him before. She'd never know what it meant. "That's right."
Neither of them said anything, allowing Tess's words to hang in the air, uncomfortably looming over them. Tess blinked and refocused on the city, its skyscrapers jutting out of the concrete plain like jagged metal shards. Still no signs of life. She turned to Ellie again, who was fixated on some sort of pendant in her hand. The girl hastily stuffed it back into her backpack when she noticed Tess. "You okay?" Tess asked.
"I'm fine," Ellie said, her eyes returning from somewhere distant.
There were parts of the girl's own past that she also preferred to keep buried. You're learning. Even so, it was a lot to chew all at once, so Tess left it at that. "We should keep moving. We can gain a lot more ground before dark."
Ellie stared off into the distance a little longer, then stood. "How much longer do you think it'll take to get there?"
"Depends on how much ground we cover," Tess said, slinging her backpack around her shoulders. "If we keep making good time, we should be able to reach Jackson in two weeks."
"Oh." Ellie hid her disappointment well. "And that's where we'll find Tommy?"
"Well, that's the place Joel mentioned last time he talked about him to me."
"And how long ago was that?"
Tess recollected a few fuzzy memories from when Joel last said anything about his estranged brother, trying to place them in context. "I'm not sure. A few years back now. It wasn't long after I met him."
"Did you ever meet Tommy?" Ellie asked. Tess sighed. I only knew him through Joel, through all of his ramblings about how he would get himself killed, how much of an arrogant, ungrateful little shit he was. That was all she knew about the man, and he didn't know her. Tess looked for a way to break the news gently. Before she could, however, Ellie said, "Right. The past. Sorry…"
Tess winced. "I didn't mean it like that. I just… I never really met him in person."
"So he won't know who we are." Ellie lowered her head and murmured, "He won't tell us where to go."
"Hey," Tess stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "We'll figure it out."
"I know." Ellie feigned a half smile and nodded. "We'll have to. I mean, what's the other option?"
Tess gently squeezed Ellie's shoulder. You're learning a little too well. "We'll see this thing through, one way or another. I promise."
Ellie's smile grew slightly. She was weary, but she was far from giving up on this thing. Her spirit was unbroken, and that was enough for Tess.
Then her face changed, "Wait…"
"Get down!" Tess shouted and yanked Lily down by her shoulder.
Two more shots were fired, sending sweeping echoes over the buildings around them. The group scattered. Tess lost sight of Jack as she pulled Lily into cover behind a van on the left side of the intersection. Lynn was soon at their side. Everyone else dove out of sight. "Where'd that come from?" Lynn asked, a protective hand on Lily's shoulder. "I didn't see any of the guys up front pull anything."
"That's because they had cover," Tess growled. "Someone up in one of the buildings. Why didn't we think of that?"
"Is Jack okay?" Lily asked, trying and failing to manuver out of Tess and Lynn's grip.
"I didn't see him get hit." Tess carefully peered through the van's windows at the now-empty street. "There are no bodies out there."
"Might have been a warning shot," Lynn said. "Jack got too smart for his own good."
Why did it not get him killed this time? Tess knew she should have done the talking here. She just knew even half a block away that Jack's charisma had little effect on the three armed men who appeared out of nowhere. She'd been so distracted by how quickly she'd have to intervene when he flummoxed that she hadn't thought about whether the men were alone, or even if they hadn't just stumbled into a trap set for any wanderers. Could Jack's short-sightedness be contagious?
"Come on out, pretty boy!" a man shouted. "Talk some more 'bout that résumé of yours!"
Tess and Lynn shared a grimace. Jack didn't just screw up. He really screwed up. "There go those negotiations," Lily said.
In Jack's defense, considering how confident and trigger happy the men were, they likely weren't easily negotiated with. Not that Tess would admit that to him. "Stay low," she whispered. "I'm gonna sneak around and see if I can find us a safe way out of here."
"How? We're all over the place. Jack and Greg are still up there." Lynn indicated to the area beyond the van where the negotiations were to take place. "Nicole and Sharon darted into the shop across the street."
"What about the kids?" Tess asked.
"Paul already had them in a safe spot, half a block back." Tess followed Lynn's finger to a worn book shop up the road. "I think a few others are with them. I lost track of everyone else, but they're out of sight."
Another shot cracked the air. "Come out and play!" another voice said from up the street.
"Obviously not all of them," Tess said, sweat accumulating on her forehead. Was everyone on the outside this arrogant and trigger-happy? "We need to find that sniper. Stay here and get ready to run."
"Hold it!" someone yelled, much closer. Tess spun and drew her knife, only to see Andrew running over to her. "Jesus! Easy!" A shot narrowly missed Andrew's head. He dropped into cover beside Tess. "Hold your fire, Rambo! What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna find where they're shooting at us from," Tess said, sheathing her knife. "You are gonna keep your head down and stay out of sight."
"Bullshit! You can't do that!" Andrew said. "We need a plan!"
"This is the plan," Lynn rebutted.
"We need a real plan! Not some suicidal venture you pulled out of your ass!" Andrew was fuming. There was a healthy dose of fear mixed with vigor in his eyes. He desperately wanted to control the situation. "Who put you in charge? We need Jack!"
"We don't know where he is, and we don't have time to find him. This is what we're doing." Tess pushed past Andrew and moved to the end of the van.
"You don't know what you're doing!" Andrew blurted. "You're going to get yourself killed!"
"You don't have to come along," Tess said. She couldn't believe the conversation was even taking place right then. Did Andrew have any capacity for understanding a life-or-death scenario? "Stay down. I'll be back."
"Like hell you will!" Andrew grabbed Tess by the arm and pulled her back violently. "Get over here!"
Tess ran out of patience and kicked Andrew in the chest. He recovered quickly and went for her again, but as he did so, the van window right above his head shattered. Another near miss. He stumbled over in surprise, his face satisfyingly pale. "Keep your head down or lose it."
With a nod to Lynn, Tess turned and sprinted from the van to another car on the corner. As she ran, she risked a glance at the intersection and the road ahead. Still no one in sight. The sniper fired again. Tess dropped to one knee behind the car and listened. The shot came from up the street. If it was from the left side of the street, she could flank him. If it was from the right side, he still had a shot at her. Either way, a quick run across the street would put her out of range.
There were still the three men to deal with. That was assuming there were only three, and not dozens of others holed up in the small town Jack insisted they search. Tess drew her pistol and let instinct take over. From over the hood of the car, she saw movement behind one of the cars further down. She raised her gun and aimed at the figure of a man moving low to the ground. Doubt and fear crept into the back of her mind, but she tuned it out. It's him or me. It's him or me.
Then she tightened her grip on the gun as another was pressed to the left side of her head. "Don't move," the wielder said. "Wouldn't want to lose that pretty little head of yours."
Tess kept a neutral face. It's him or me. "Don't worry," she said, steeling herself. "I'll make it quick."
The man pressed the gun into her head harder. "The fuck you just—"
In a fluid movement, Tess jerked her head forward, grabbed his gun with her left hand, brought her pistol to his face with her right and pulled the trigger. The body flopped backwards onto the ground and two more shots rang out. Tess ducked, then stood and aimed over the roof of the car. She fired three shots at the next figure she saw, at least one of them hitting home. The figure collapsed and Tess ran across the street to the cover of the adjacent building.
The next movement she saw wasn't the last man. It was Andrew, running into the open, waving his gun, looking infuriated. "Hey, what are you gonna do now, fuckers?!"
The sniper fired again. A cloud of red mist sprayed out of Andrew's back. He collapsed in a similar manner to the man before him, a growing dark blotch staining his t-shirt. "Stay down!" Jack ordered.
Tess found him directly across the street from her, standing in cover with Greg. He made eye contact with her and nodded. Tess acknowledged him and glanced around the corner. The last man was standing in the street, confused and terrified. Tess made a sudden move so he would spot her. When he fired, she darted back into cover, allowing Greg the opportunity he needed. He fired and was in cover again before the sniper could act.
Everything was still for the next minute. Tess could only hear her heart pounding. Her vision wasn't distorted, as it usually become after she took a life. She was getting better about it. Soon, she thought, she wouldn't even have to think about it. She wouldn't need to repeat "It's him or me" until the fatigue wore off. This was a part of her life now.
Then, Jack made a move. He ran into the street and feigned a dodge to the left. When the sniper fired, he took cover to the right. Another shot rang out and another voice called. "Got 'im!"
Tess saw Lynn leaning on the hood of the van, reloading a hunting rifle. Tess smiled when she saw the smug grin on Lynn's face. "Shooter's down!" Jack called. "We're clear."
Lily emerged from behind the van and ran to Tess. Holstering her pistol, Tess received her sister into her arms. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Lily looked around at the bodies, then clung to her sister tighter. Tess didn't react. Not even a week after the first incident and they were forced to kill again. She could get used to this, but would Lily? Could she truly adapt to this life? Tess parted from her and looked her in the eye, looking for answers. Lily offered a relieved smile and said, "We're getting pretty good at this, huh?"
Tess shrugged casually. "Still working out the kinks, but yeah, we could market this."
Lily laughed uneasily. Whatever anxiety and misgivings she felt, she pushed past it. She would adapt. Moreover, she was alive. That was all Tess could ensure. That was enough.
Both of them looked back and saw Andrew, still on the ground, writhing at the wound in his abdomen. Jack and Lynn were at his side, trying to treat him. It wasn't so much treating as it was Jack holding him down while Lynn tried to slow the bleeding. Her nurse's training was extensive, but their medical supplies were not.
"What was he thinking?" Lily asked sadly.
Tess looked on with as much pity as she could find. "He wasn't."
