Hey guys :) Back with a new chapter :) Once more thank you for your wonderful reviews and im surely waiting for more :) Dont be booored :D Enjoy! (and wish me luck for my exams starting tmrw!)
"…. May God forgive all her sins" The priest finally said.
It seemed like an eternity to Amanda who was constantly crying behind her dark glasses as she saw the closed coffin that Olivia's body was lying in. At least that's what she thought. Cragen insisted on not letting her see Olivia as it would only hurt her more
. She was dressed in a black dress, black shoes and black sunglasses to cover her wet eyes. It wasn't only the tears they hid it was also the black circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep.
The only thing that wasn't black was her beautiful blonde hair that rested on her shoulders. Her hand was held by Nick during the entire funeral. Nobody talked, not even once. The atmosphere was too heavy for anyone to stand it.
Once the funeral was over many people who were at the funeral gave their condolecence to her. It wasn't just family and the detectives she worked with. Many of the victims she had supported all those years were there too. Or even fans that supported and loved what she was doing. Too many people crying over her dead girlfriend.
While walking out of the church with a tissue on her one hand and Nick's hand on the other she was stopped by a man who was holding a little girl in his arms. She could tell she knew him from somewhere but she couldn't recall from where.
"Miss Rollins… I'm so sorry for your loss… Our loss… I'm Simon, Olivia's brother." he said. And that's when she remembered, Olivia had shown her a picture of him and the little girl also named Olivia who was her niece.
"Thank you Simon." She murmured her voice more husky because of the cry. It wasn't just today, she had been crying nonstop the past 48 hours. She could barely handle Olivia being away and alive. Now that she was dead all that was keeping her was her baby. She covered with her hand that small bump that had begun to appear, betraying the fact that she was going to be a mum.
"I'm sorry that we didn't get to meet each other under better circumstances, but I know how much you loved my sister. We'd talk on the phone for you and I can tell you… She was happy. So I want you to know. If you need anything you can give me call I can help you. I know it's gonna be hard to be a single mum, but me and my wife are by your side."
Amanda tried to give him a smile. She watched the little girl in his arms as he walked away. She had Olivia's skin colour. Nick put one hand on her belly and the other one on her back, like a protector, and gently pushed her to let her know they should go. Just then Maria, Nick's ex with Zara came.
"Amanda, Amanda!" the little girl shouted and wrapped her arms around her waist."Why are you crying Amanda what happened? She asked. Maria slowly approached her and took Zara back, knowing that her questions only made matters worse.
"My condolecence" she said, Amanda's answer was a nod instead of thank you. She didn't have the power physically and mentally for more.
"Daddy what happened? Is Amanda's baby okay?" The little girl asked again, making another effort to understand what was going on. Nick was about to tell his daughter not to ask any questions but Amanda stopped him. She knelled, so her face would be n the same height as Zara's.
"No Zara, baby's fine. It's just Olivia she uh, she had to go to the sky and be an angel…" She uttered barely holding her tears back.
"But why did she have to go to the sky to become an angel? Couldn't she stay here?"
"No honey because angels only live in heaven and heaven is in the sky…" She managed to say again without letting her tears fall. She could feel her own eyes burn just when she saw Zara's eyes getting red.
"I didn't say goodbye to Livvy." She cried. "Did you?" Amanda shook her head.
"I don't want her to be an angel in the sky" She cried again and fell in Amanda's arms. Amanda wasn't able to hold her tears back and let them fall again, something that didn't feel unusual anymore. Nick and even Maria who were watching the whole scene started both crying, silently. Amanda took her glasses off and wiped her tears after wiping Zara's.
"You know what honey, we shall not cry because she can see us, and she gets sad okay?" The little girl nodded. Amanda hugged once more the girl before getting back n her feet.
"Ugh…" she moaned. Nick and Maria both ran to her.
"Amanda, you alright?" Nick asked her. She took a few deep breaths before answering.
"Yeah you know just another one of those abdominal cramps." She breathed.
"How far along are you? When did you start having them?" Maria asked now. Amanda rubbed her belly when she felt calmer again and put her sunglasses back on. "Seventeen weeks. I've been having them since the beginning of this week."
Nick looked at Amanda "Couldn't be premature labor sign, could it? I mean it's too early."
Maria shook her head. "I don't know Nick I'm not a specialist, but it could be anything. From simple pregnancy pains to something way more serious. You should check it." She advised the younger woman. And just then Nick was ready to take her to the doc's.
"I don't want to." She told him… He didn't let it pass like that without arguing but he decided to let it go for now due to Amanda's emotional situation. Besides he knew she had an appointment in two days, he was going with her and he was gonna ask the doctor even if she didn't want to.
"Just take me home…" she begged.
She dropped her body in the hot water of the bathtub. She dropped her head back and let all the thoughts she had in her head disappear for a while. She had to be at her doctor's in two hours. Nick told her he would take her. But she really wanted to go on her own. She couldn't tell him though, because all this time Nick was the first one to stand by her side and help her. Everybody did but he was always there no matter what.
A few minutes later she heard her phone ringing from inside the living room. She got out, wrapped her body in a towel and it was just then when she felt something weird. Was it a movement? She couldn't be sure but she might have just felt her baby moving for the first time. She smiled a true smile for the first time in a long time.
"Hey you in there, did you just move?" She childishly talked to her tummy. She didn't think this could happen, but that simple movement made her feel incredibly happy for a moment. She picked up the phone that wasn't ringing anymore and called back the caller.
"Hey Nick everything alright?" she asked him once he answered the phone.
"Uh not, Zara had a fall at the playground and I think she broke her arm I'm taking her to the hospital right now and I'm not sure if…"
"Nick!" she stopped him. "Go take care of your daughter; I can go to that appointment on my own. Don't worry!" She heard her partner's sight. He did sound strange, but she didn't pay too much attention. He was probably worried about his daughter.
"Thank you Amanda. I'll call you later to check on you. Bye!"
She let the phone back on the table in relief to be going alone and walked in her bedroom to get dressed after drying her hair. She put on the maternity cloth Olivia's brother had sent her yesterday. It was a light pink, thigh-length, long-sleeve blouse. She tried it on and felt really comfortable in it. She then put on her black leggings before leaving the apartment in a rush as she was running late.
She drove herself at the doctor's office. She waited in the waiting room for no more than ten minutes before her doctor's secretary called her in.
"Amanda, I'm so glad to see you here. To be honest I wasn't sure if you'd show up." She got in the room and dropped her coat n the little couch that was in the room.
"Why not?" she asked.
"I heard what happened. I'm so sorry for your loss." Dr McKenzie saw Amanda freeze for a moment before pretending she was doing better again. "Come on get up here." She said patting on the bed.
She did as she was told and laid there. She raised her blouse and shuddered at the feeling of the cold cream running her belly.
"Cold isn't it?" The smiling doctor told her. She did her medical-things for a while before letting her know that there were no worrying signs. When she asked her if she had anything she was worried about, after thinking for a while she decided to tell.
"I uh, I've been having some abdominal cramps for around 10 days now. You know not all the time but I do." She was closely watching the doctor's reaction trying to understand if it was something important or not.
"Well you are in your seventeenth week. It could be anything but I can assure you if it was something life-alerted for your baby we would have known. It's probably because all of your pelvic and abdominal organs are being pushed upwards and sideways due to enlarging uterus. That's what's mostly happening in the second trimester. So it could be just this. Have you felt any movement yet?"
Amanda felt calmer at the doctor's statement. If it wasn't something important it meant her baby was okay right? She brought a smile on her face as the memory of that morning came back n her mind.
"I um… I'm not sure. I might have felt something this morning. Something like a small tickle and push at the same time just here." She said and placed her hand on her lower bump.
"Congratulations mommy that was your first kick. You're gonna be having a lot more from now on and more intense. So we are done. Do you wanna know the sex of your baby?"
Amanda thought for a while. She remembered how Olivia always told her that if they ever had a child she would love to know the sex of it when they could.
"Um… no doc, I think I'm gonna leave it that way. Thank you anyways" She said.
She left the building but she felt like not going home. She knew the moment she'd step in there Olivia would be the only thing she'd be able to think about. She decided to take a walk, breath some fresh air, see other people. She used to walk a lot, run around the park but she didn't anymore.
She felt her hurt stop when she saw baby clothes n the storefront of a shop. It wasn't the first time in her life she'd see baby clothes, but it was the first time since she had gotten pregnant. She walked in the store and walked through the different halls. There were many beautiful cute baby clothes, for babies and toddlers, boys and girls, full of colours and different designs.
"May I help you?" the clerk asked her. She jumped and let out a laugh realizing how distracted she was. The young lady who was the clerk let out a laugh. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you ma'am"
"No I'm sorry I didn't see you coming." She answered. "I just uh, I just wanna take a look" She completed. The woman just nodded and walked away.
She stopped in front a light blue bodysuit with a teddy bear in the center. A label was on it saying "newborns". She took the tiny cloth in her hands and imagined her little baby wearing it as she unconsciously smiled at it.
"You should definitely take this." The clerk who had obviously come back to her said. "It's a very beautiful piece. We have it also in pink if you're expecting a girl and in a darker blue for a little boy. This one is unisex it's great on both boys and girls.
"I don't really know what I'm expecting, and I won't know till the baby's here so, I'd love to take this one" She said and followed the clerk to the payment counter.
"First time mommy huh?" She asked her. Amanda just nodded and rubbed her belly. "It would be ten dollars, and I wish you a nice pregnancy!" Amanda thanked the woman and gave her the money letting her keep the change. She was so excited about getting that first baby cloth. Her baby wouldn't be here for around 5 more months but she didn't care. She went back to her car and drove home….
She was waiting outside her apartment for almost two hours now but she didn't mind. She was anxious and nervous about them two meeting again. She pushed her hair back and waited a little more. Soon she heard footsteps, she saw the blonde dressed in black, God she didn't even like black, she was probably still grieving.
Amanda took the keys from the inside of her back and was ready to unlock her door when she saw her. She let the bag with the cloth fall to ground as did her own jaw.
"Hey…" she heard her saying… She was still in so much shock she couldn't even talk.
"What…Where…How…" she said before her eyes filled with hot tears. She stopped and put her back against the wall to support herself. She looked at the ground and covered her eyes with her hand.
"Amanda…" She said. She tried to grab her hand but Amanda pulled it back.
"Don't… please don't." She whispered.
"Let's take this inside Amanda, please. I don't want you or the baby…"
"The baby?" She shouted. "Olivia, don't play the – I-care-about-both-of-you- card on me! You didn't even come back when you got my message from Porter! I left that message to you the day you left, three months ago for God's sake! Three months!"
A tear escaped from the brunette's eye as she saw how hurt Amanda was. She quickly wiped it…
"Amanda…"
"No Olivia." She stopped her again. "You don't get it… you don't get it at all. Do you know how it is like, to wake up in the morning and see that the person you loved more isn't there anymore? Do you know how I felt when I attended YOUR funeral and all those people came to me telling me how great you were and how much they loved and respected you. Do you… know how I felt when I realized that your job was more important to you than me? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to decide to impregnate myself for YOU! I wasn't ready to be a mom, but I thought that with you by my side it would be a lot easier. But you weren't there..." Her tears where running thickly down her face.
She knelt to the ground mad with herself for showing weakness once again. It wasn't just her it was her crazy hormones too that weren't helping at all. Olivia knelt next to her.
"I'm sorry Amanda, I really am. I know I haven't been as great to you as you were to me. I know I shouldn't have put my job before you once more, I'm not gonna find any excuses for this. I'm guilty at all counts. But I really didn't know you were pregnant and I didn't know that Dean was going to tell you I was dead. He told me the same day he told you, and that's also when he told me that you were pregnant. Just four days ago! And I tried my best to come back and explain everything to you! Tell you that I'm not dead. That I'm back in SVU and I'm done with leaving you again. And that I'm here for our child…"
Amanda looked deep n Olivia's eyes. She knew she was telling the truth. She placed her head on her lap and cried. Olivia caressed her cheek and head with her one hand as she placed the other one on Amanda's belly….
They stayed there, n the building's hallway till Amanda felt like standing up and going inside… with Olivia.
