Disclaimer: I don't own any part of FSOG. They all belong to E.L. James.

Chapter 7

Christian – Realizations

After I walked Ana back to the car last week my initial happiness soon diminished when we bumped into Ana's fucking neighbor. I really, really wanted to punch him in the face, but the fucker just ignored me and acted as if I wasn't even there. Idiot. Does he even know who he is dealing with?

Fortunately the fucking dick was in a hurry so their conversation was cut short, but I did hear that they would meet that same night at Mathilda's for dinner. Seems that fucking Justin eats there too nowadays. How fucking coincidental. And as if things weren't bad enough, the fucker kissed Ana on the cheek and winked at her before turning around and walking away. Ana just stared at him while he was walking away, when she turned to face me her face was blank and void of any emotion whatsoever. She seemed way more relaxed interacting with that fucking Justin than she is with me though and that infuriates me. But I know that I owe that to myself. Because when everything comes down to it, I am the fucker that broke her heart. When it was time to part way things got a little awkward. So after a short and painful silence Ana stepped into her little black car and after giving me a shaky smile she drove off.

Parts of the conversation that took place in "The Grace" keep haunting me. I expected Ana to react the way she did. She has every right to be angry and hurt. But there is still a lot that she doesn't know and I need to tell her everything. I need to come completely clean with her. Whether that will make the situation easier, I really don't know…I doubt it actually. But she deserves the truth.

And even though our conversation at the French restaurant was a little step forward, I am not stupid. I know that Ana is reluctant in getting back to a friendly basis with me. I understand it perfectly. She was under the impression for five years that I broke up with her because I had fallen in love with another woman. Then she finds out that not only did I lie to her, but that her father, who she adores, was also involved.

Summarized it is a huge cluster fuck and it is a fucking miracle that she wants to be in the same room as me.

Normally I always feel in control when I am at work. Sitting on my comfortable chair, behind my desk, delegating work to my employees is how I keep in control. I can't remember that there has been one day that I was nervous while being in my office. Moody, grumpy, pissed off, angry, fuming yes, and every now and then ecstatic when we had closed a huge deal. However, never nervous. But I guess there is always a first time for everything…right?

And the reason for my nervousness? Well because ever since Ana and I talked the other day we have been sending each other little text messages. I started first of course, texting her that I had enjoyed our lunch. A few minutes later I received a text back, saying that she enjoyed it too.

This friendship isn't developing as fast as I would like, but then again I think I am lucky that she even wants to talk to me or be in the same room as me for that matter. Initially her messages were short and to the point. Now they are slightly longer and occasionally she even adds a cute emoticon. I fucking love it when she adds a silly emoticon!

But now it has been twelve hours since I send her a text inviting her to have dinner with me and she hasn't texted me back yet. Now, I don't know if I was too forward and that she doesn't know how to reject me or that maybe something happened to her. Or maybe, she is hanging out with that ugly neighbor of hers and is totally forgotten about me.

With a last glance at my phone I shove it in my pocket and walk out of my office. It is time to meet my mother for lunch at the hospital.

Unfortunately, since dropping out of Harvard the relationship with my father is strained. Since the day he threw me out of Bellevue our relationship deteriorated. Granted, that my relationship with my father always was less smooth, which incidentally had nothing to do with him, but everything with me. I always had the feeling that he could see straight through me so I just kept my distance. It got slightly better when I met Ana though.

The year I spend alone in Boston after dropping out of Harvard, I hardly had any contact with my parents. I called my mother once every few months, but only when I was almost sure that my dad wouldn't be there. I never knew that my parents went through a very difficult path after my dad kicked me out. Seems that my mother didn't agree with his decision. They even spent a few weeks living apart. At least that was Elliot's drunken confession a few years ago. The last four years I have try to avoid my father as much as possible. The mandatory Sunday evening dinners are terrible. It's mainly my mother, Elliot and Kate who keep the conversations at the table going. The only reason I show up at these diners if for my mother. I know how hard this is on her.

My dad acts as if nothing is wrong. He asks me questions, mostly about work and I answer them, without even looking at him. I have no clue how my father can sit at the head of the table, happily chatting away with Elliot and Kate and pretend like nothing happened five years ago. And the more time passes, the less inclined I am to forgive him.


I park my Aston Martin in the hospital parking area and watch Jason Taylor parking his car next to mine. I can't help the grunt that escapes my lips, because as much as I love my job and the many benefits it has, there is definitely a downside to all the money and success. I need constant protection. I hired Taylor one year ago. As my business was growing, so were the threats. I decided in hiring a close protection officer when I started receiving threats against my parents and siblings.

Taylors role consist mainly of pre-searching rooms and buildings that I will be visiting, researching the background of people that I will have contact with or who are hired to work at GEH. He also escorts me on my day-to-day activities. Sometimes when I need the space and I drive myself to work just like the other day with Ana at the Grace I didn't need Taylor there. That was just about Ana and me.

I luckily have my privacy at home. Taylor lives with his wife, who happens to be my housekeeper in an apartment one floor below the penthouse. My apartment is protected with the best security system and in case of an emergency Taylor can get there in thirty seconds.

I step out on the seventh floor. The children's ward where my mom has been working for the last twenty years. Taylor is a few steps behind me. I stop dead in my tracks when I see a sleeping Ana in a deserted hallway close to my mother's office. She looks absolutely beautiful. She is wearing jeans and a light blue hoody. Her hair is in a braid that is hanging over her left shoulder. Her head is leaning against the wall and she has her hands clutched against the camera hanging from her neck. What in the world is she doing here?

I stop and hesitate for a moment. I look back at Taylor who is watching me cautiously. "That's Ana…" I whisper. "She used to be my girl…" I add lamely and I see his brows shooting up. Yeah shocker!

"I fucked up badly…and I just wish that she would give me another chance…" I brush my hands through my hair not really knowing why I shared this with him. It takes only a few seconds before Taylor's face goes back to his usual stoic expression. He was probably under the impression that I was gay since I haven't had any female interaction since he is in my employment. If only he knew…

"She looks uncomfortable Sir. Maybe you should sit beside her. I will inform your mother…" He says scraping his throat, his eyes darting from me to Ana.

"Excellent idea Taylor." I knew I hired him for a reason. He is a Fucking genius.

I watch mesmerized as Ana's chest slowly rises and falls while she sleeps peacefully. I always envied that. Ana can sleep anytime and everywhere and once she falls asleep a bomb can go off and she won't even stir. Amazing.

After ten minutes of watching her Taylor returns. "Your mother isn't in her office Sir. There was some kind of emergency she was called into."

I nod my head and look at Ana.

"Is there something I could get you from the cafeteria while you wait Sir?"

"Orange juice and maybe doughnuts?"

"Doughnuts Sir?"

"Yes, Ana's favorite." I add simply.

With a simple nod of his head Taylor turns around and leaves me alone with Anastasia.

It is strange, because even though every now and then people pass us, it feels like it is only Ana and me in the hallway. My eyes wander from her face, down her chest and then stop at her small, delicate hands. Her nails are short and looked after and this time she has painted them in a light color pink. Ana always had many different colors of nail polish, just like those scented body creams she used. Her favorite and certainly mine, was the one that smelled like jasmine.

She has changed though. Five years ago, Ana just turned twenty, she was sweet, beautiful, caring, but in many ways still a girl. And even though I considered myself back then as mature and an adult…I wasn't. I was anything but mature. I was an immature, selfish and an utter asshole. I didn't know it then, but there were a lot of things I still needed to learn.

The first thing I noticed when I saw her the first time after those agonizingly long five years, was how much she has changed. Her eyes are as stunning as ever. And now her body, I thought she had an incredible body but now it is just amazing. She is curvier, what makes her even sexier. I think even her tits are bigger now, but to know for sure I would have to touch them and I don't think that would be very much appreciated at this point. I even think that she would kick my ass. Because despite the fact that Ana was and is sweet, loyal, caring and extremely loving she was also extremely determined and stubborn. She wouldn't have to think twice to put me in my place. She had the ability to tell you exactly how she felt, but she was still able to show that she cared. But it was mostly her determination and her no nonsense attitude that pulled me out of my shell. Because thanks to her love and patience I conquered my phobia, I actually got a few friends and she told me time and time again how great I was and how much she loved me. Even when at the beginning I couldn't reciprocate…because I truly thought I was incapable of love.

Ana was also the first person I told about Elena Lincoln. Ana was shocked, angry at the vile woman and in the end sad for me because it was the worst way to lose your virginity. Several times she tried to convince me to tell my parents about her depravity, but I couldn't. The shame and the fear of being kicked out was too much. Moreover I didn't want to disappoint my parents more than I already had done.

I handed the proof I had of my few times with Elena fucking Lincoln to Ana back them to guard it for me. I wonder what she did with those pictures after we broke up. I don't even know why I gave her those pictures, I know that she didn't want to look at them…so she placed them in a little wooden box where she kept different kinds of knick-knacks. I knew I had to give them to her, I didn't want them. Even the reminder of those pictures sends chills up my spine, because that bitch made perfectly sure to photograph me in every single humiliating position.

After three horrifying sessions with Elena I knew that I didn't want to be beaten to submission. That just wasn't me…so instead of telling my parents the truth I begged them not to send me back there. I told my mother that I didn't feel at ease at the Lincolns. She believed me. My parents decided to send me to my Grandparents Trevelyan. That is where I spend the summer…helping my grandfather with different kind of chorus around the house. He even took me to his lawyer firm a couple of times where he would put me to work. I would archive or answer the phone. I didn't care, because he treated me like a normal person. He didn't tip-toe around me, he was basically just like Ana. He didn't take any shit from me. It was also my grandfather who taught me the basics of doing business. After dinner we would sit in their library and he would tell me how important it was to have a good business plan, that business involved planning and making key financial decisions. He told me to surround myself with the best team and as long as I could keep my head straight and work hard I could succeed. I have to admit that it was one of the best summers I can remember. That was the first time my grandfather Theo saved me…years later would be the second time.

However, when I returned that summer to Seattle the Lincolns had moved. My parents were kind of vague about it, but then one day I heard my parents talking and it seemed that Mr. Lincoln had filed for a divorce. That after having beaten the shit out of his wife.

Bliss spreads like fire through my veins as Ana's head slowly falls against my shoulder. She lets out one of the smallest sighs and continues sleeping peacefully. I close my eyes savoring the contact of her head against my shoulder. And the fact that the touch is hindered by several layers of fabric doesn't matter one damn iota, because I couldn't be happier.

Taylor returns with two small bottles of orange juice and fights a smile when he sees that Ana's head is now leaning against my shoulder.

"There weren't any doughnuts Sir, but I brought you this from the vending machine."

He hands me a small package M&M's peanuts but remains stoically. When I keep my gaze on him he simply shrugs. I just nod my head because I am too dumbfounded to actually speak. He knows that Ana's love's M&M's. He knows because is asked him to buy them when Ana and I met at the Marina.

I don't know if M&M's will get Ana to forgive me, but it is a nice gesture. Taking a few steps back Taylor takes his place near the doors and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

I remain perfectly still since I don't want to ruin this. However suddenly Ana makes this weird movement and jumps up letting out an adorable squeal.

It takes a while before she is aware of her surroundings and that I am sitting next to her. I wait and just look at her. And she looks at me. It is adorable and I have to stifle a chuckle when she blinks her big blue eyes a few times. Her nose crinkles and then she rubs her eyes smearing the little make-up she is wearing over her face.

"Christian?" She croaks.

"Yeah…" I shrug lamely.

"What…what are you doing here?" Her eyes widen and she jumps from her chair. "Oh my god, how long have I been asleep…is the baby born yet? Oh my god…I can't believe I fell asleep!" She says.

"What baby?"

"Well the baby of course!" She says exasperated.

"I don't understand Ana…" I say carefully because she is waking up and I see that she is getting angry.

"Of course you don't understand…" She huffs. "And what are you doing here anyway?" Her eyes drop to the bag of M&M's in my hand and her brow furrows.

"I came here to have lunch with my mother, but then is saw you sitting here and I didn't want to leave you alone." I admit truthfully. I expect her to lash out and tell me that I left her five years ago, but surprisingly she doesn't. Thank fucking god.

Closing her eyes she leans her head against the wall and sighs. "Your mother was called into an emergency. I was supposed to photograph a new born baby but then there were complications and they told me to wait…I didn't get much sleep last night, that's probably the reason for falling asleep." I nod my head even though she can't even see me.

"Taylor brought you some orange juice and M&M's…" I say and gesture with my head to where Taylor is standing.

"Is that Taylor?" She points at Taylor that is still standing in his spot.

"Yes, he is…"

"He is like your bodyguard right?" Her eyes briefly meet mine.

"Yes, something like that…" I say clearing my throat and suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

She gives Taylor and small smile and a wave. "Thank you these are my favorites." Ana says holding the bag of M&M's in the air.

"You're welcome ma'am and lucky guess…" Taylor prompts and his eyes swiftly moves to mine. Smooth Taylor, very smooth.

"Do you want some?" Ana asks.

"Sure…" She holds the bag in front of me but watches closely witch one I take. "Don't eat the red ones, those are my favorite…" She murmurs and glances at me from the corner of her eye.

"I know…but then so are the yellow and the blue ones…" I reply.

"True, so that is why you have to eat the green ones…those are yours…" A tiny bit of ice melts from my heart. I can't even recount the times we had this little conversation. Because every time Ana eats M&M's she starts with the read one, then the blue and then the yellow…leaving the green ones.

"Why didn't you reply to my text message?" I ask after a while.

"I don't know…" She admits. "I…I am confused Christian…"

"Confused about what?" Popping another green chocolate covered peanut in my mouth I anxiously await her answer. I only asked her out for dinner, so it was a simple answer, yes or no. However I know that it isn't that simple.

"Because your texts are sweet and fun and then I find myself almost giddy when I receive a text, making something stir in my belly, but then I remember how much you hurt me and I don't want to feel giddy or happy or excited I want to hate you I want not to like you…" Ana is talking at rapid speed, staring blankly ahead. I admit it. It hurts hearing her say something like that. I want her to be happy when she receives my texts, but I understand her confusion. I somehow need for her to trust me again. However I am selfish enough to want her. I want her giddy about my texts, I want that stir in her belly. I want her to like me, to love me and not to hate me. So I will do everything that it takes to make her happy.

"It isn't my intention to hurt you again Ana." I can hardly contain myself in reaching out and taking her hand in mine. Instead I busy myself in opening my orange juice bottle and take a sip.

"I thought about your proposition…and I have questions, a lot of questions. I am warning you though, if I don't like the answer of one question in particular…there won't even be a someday…and your proposition will be off the table." She is holding my gaze when she tells me this. She is certain about this, she obviously gave it a lot of thought and it scares the living shit out of me. Because I will be honest with her. I owe her that much, besides contrarily of what Ana may think I was always honest with her, except for that unfaithful day.

"You can ask me anything you want…"

"Not here, this is not the place believe me." Ana replies serious.

"Then were?" Because I want to get it over with. I want us to be able to move further.

Before she has the chance to reply the door opens and a very tired Grace comes walking out. "Grace…" Ana breathes. "Are they okay?"

My mother smiles tiredly at Ana. "They are going to be just fine. Judith is very tired so she will need to rest." My mother says in doctor mode.

"Of course…" Ana replies and bends down to take her bag from the floor. "I will call Spencer as soon as I get home and make another appointment."

Who the fuck is Spencer? I think as I watch Ana and my mother interact. And then the door opens again and a tall, bulky guy with longish hair exits the room. If I had to describe how the guy looks I would have to say extremely happy.

"Ana…" In two strides the guy walks up to her and engulfs her in a hug. What the fuck!

"Spencer…" Ana hugs him back smiling. I would really like some explanation now. Who the fuck is this Spencer and why is he hugging my Ana that way? And why does he look so fucking familiar?

However I don't get any introductions. They start talking in hushing voices completely forgetting about me. I don't know why, but it hurts. Apparently Ana doesn't feel the need to introduce me to this fucker with who she seems to be very close to. And then a most terrifying thought enters my mind…It has been five years, five long fucking years since the day I left Ana…and I have no fucking clue as to what Ana has been doing all those years. She probably dated, she even might have been in a serious relationship. Because my brother was right, Ana is gorgeous and sweet and having her at your side as your girlfriend is an amazing thing. She moved on. Without me…

Pain settles in my chest as I realize all those things. Carefully so I don't get noticed I take a few steps back and walk out of the hospital and away from Ana.

Anastasia

"Judith is resting right now…" Spencer says with love radiating from his eyes.

"I understand." I nod. "Why don't you call me when you are back home and then we can take those pictures you wanted?" I say smiling.

"Thank you Ana and I am sorry you had to wait here…"

"No worries…" I wave him off. And I mean it. Spencer gently squeezes my shoulder and turns around to enter the room where his wife and newborn baby born are currently sleeping.

Grace has already said goodbye to us and probably back to her office. I turn around and expect Christian to be there, but he's not there. Disappointment swells in my heart when I realize this. Why did he leave? Why didn't he say something before he left? I mean, if he takes the trouble to sit next to me while I sleep, why did he sneak out? Why didn't he say goodbye?

I kick myself as I feel annoyance building in my body. I don't need Christian. What do I care anyway that he left. But I do care…I do.

When Spencer walked out of the hospital room I knew that the polite thing to do was to introduce him to Christian. But I didn't. I deliberately ignored Christian and put on my brightest smile while I was talking and listening to Spencer. I wanted to hurt Christian. I wanted to show him that I have my own life with my own friends. And then again, how would I even introduce him? Hey Spencer, meet my ex-fiancée…yeah so not doing that.

Frustrated with myself and my feelings I gather my stuff and start walking towards the exit and to my car. God. I am so tired. The moment I get home I am going to take a long hot shower and then I am going to take a deliriously well-deserved long nap. Because sitting on a plastic chair in a hospital hallway is not very fun or comfortable.


I showered, took a small nap and ate. I need to add, proudly, that I actually cooked myself this time. No take out. Well done Steele! I can't even remember when it was the last time that I actually cooked. I was even tempted to send Christian a picture of my home-cooked meal, but immediately I dismissed that idea. Because I was being completely honest with him at the hospital. After a while I actually looked forward to receiving his little text messages. They were nothing out of the ordinary, but still. Then I realized that they actually made me happy. His silly, no-nonsense texts put a freaking smile on my face. That confused the hell out of me. Because I should be angry with him. I shouldn't even be thinking of him…yet I do. Constantly. And it really scares me.

Adele's song, "When we were young" is playing on the background softly and I am immediately reminded of Christian. But it doesn't matter which song I listen to nowadays…they always remind me of Christian. I have checked my phone a hundred times since I left the hospital, hoping that Christian would have texted me why he had to leave so sudden. Why didn't he wait to say goodbye?

A soft knock on the door startles me from my musings. I slowly stand up and walk towards the door. "Mathilda, hi what can I do for you." Mathilda is wearing her robe even though it isn't even eight o'clock yet.

"I found this guy leaning against my door…" I follow the direction of Mathilda's frail arm and I am shocked to see that it is Christian. He is slumped against Mathilda's doorframe and snoring softly.

"What is he doing here?" I whisper without taking my eyes from Christian. He looks disheveled and miserable.

"I heard a hard noise against my door…at first I thought it was you, but then I heard it again. When I opened my door to see what was going on I found him here."

I sigh and walk the two steps to Christian and crouch next to him. I want so badly to touch him. To remove the hair that has fallen on his forehead. I want to rub my thumb against his pouting lip…but I can't. "Christian" I whisper. "Christian, please wake up."

"I'm sorry Ana…" He whispers. I'm sorry too. I think.

"What are you doing here…?"

"Talk…" His eyes open briefly but he closes them as quickly. "Need to talk Ana…please…"

"Can you stand?" I ask.

He snorts very un-Christian like and pushes himself up. He then gives me a lop-sided grin and winks. I can't help but smile at his playfulness. I shake my head and point my finger towards my door. "Now walk…" I say stern.

His brow furrows and he slowly lifts his head to look at my door. When he sees Mathilda he smiles sheepishly.

"That is the cookie-lady…" He sways a bit and then turns to me and leans over until his mouth is near my ear. "She…makes horrible…horrible tea Anastasia…" He slurs.

"That boy is drunk as a skunk…" Mathilda says smiling at me. Her eyes crinkling.

"He is, thank you for alerting me Mathilda. I will get him inside and call him a cab as soon as he sobers up."

"I am just one door away sweetheart if you need something…" She walks passed me and waits until Christian has finally entered my apartment.

After five minutes I finally manage to get Christian on my couch. He is half laying half sitting and it reminds me of the times he used to get drunk during college. Not that I happened much, but when he did Christian seemed to lose all his inhibitions. He is a sweet-drunk though.

"Why don't you lay down for a bit? I will get you some water." I tell him while I keep my distance.

"Will you lay down with me?" He asks hopeful.

"I can't Christian…you know that. Now lay down and I will get you that water…"

In the kitchen I try to come up with different ideas to get him to his own apartment. The easiest way would be to call Elliot. But I know that Kate and Elliot are having dinner today with the Grey's. And I know that if I would call him he would be here in a minute, but somehow I can't get myself to do it.

I am just going to call a cab when he sobers up, that is probably after a few more hours. I will give him water and after he takes his nap I will call a cab and he can leave.

When I walk back into the living room Christian has discarded his jacket, tie and shoes. He is laying on the couch with his eyes closed and his arms are slung over his head. He looks vulnerable and extremely handsome. I quickly avert my eyes from the place where his shirt has crept up…shit even his happy trail is sexy.

"Christian, you need to drink some water." I urge him clearing my throat. Slowly he opens his red rimmed eyes and stares at me. "Will you please stay with me while I sleep…" His voice sounds broken and hurt and I have to force myself not to wrap my arms around him.

"I will…but first you have to drink water." I repeat.

"So bossy…" He chuckles. He obliges and drinks the water and slumps back on to the couch. His glassy eyes meet mine and a silent plead goes out. Oh Christian, I should smack your head and kick your ass out of my apartment. But of course I don't…I sit down on the floor and take his hand in mine. That tingling sparkling feeling that happens every time we touch shoots through my arm and our eyes meet. "I felt that too…" Christian says silently.

I just nod my head and squeeze his hand. "That's a good thing right?" He presses.

"Just sleep Christian…"

"Please don't leave…" He whispers.

"Do you still have nightmares Christian?" He just nods his head slowly.

"I won't leave you…I promise" Probably content with my request Christian closes his eyes and falls into a peaceful sleep.

I try to slip my hand from his a few times but every time I try Christian tightens his hold and stirs. Eventually I give up and just hold his hand. It is not a very comfortable position I am in, but it is just for a half hour or so. I'm tempted to slide in next to him and lay my head on his chest like I always used to do. And why is he drunk anyway? What made him get drunk in the middle of the day?

With our hands still entwined I lean my head against the seat and let out of long sigh. We can't keep doing this. We somehow keep bumping into each other but nothing gets resolved. It is time that we sit down and talk.

Christian

I wake up staring into a mass of brown hair. Somehow Ana must have fallen asleep too. My head hurts like a bitch and it feels like they dumped a sack full of dirt into my mouth. Fuck, I left the hospital and got drunk. Then I decided that it was a good idea to visit Ana. I only remember drinking a large glass of water Ana offered me.

I let my eyes roam her body and I like very much what I see. Ana is wearing some kind of oversized soft pink sweater and dark gray over the knee socks. Because of the way she is laying I have an excellent view of her cleavage.

"Pervert…" I hear softly and my eyes immediately go to Ana's blue ones. Shit.

Shaking her head she extricates her hand from mine and stands up from her uncomfortable position on the floor. "How are you feeling?" She asks feeling uncomfortable.

"Better than I deserve…" I admit.

She nods her head and walks towards the kitchen leaving me alone with my thoughts. I hear a coffee machine coming to life and then moments later she walks back in with a cup coffee. "Here drink this…" She says silently. She sits on a loveseat across from the couch and curls her legs under her body.

"Thank you for letting me in…" I say after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

Slowly she raises her head and looks at me for what looks an eternity. "Why were you drunk Christian and why did you end up here?" She smiles briefly but shakes her head as if she is trying to shake of the feelings she is experiencing right now. "Actually Mathilda found you…you probably passed out against her door…"

"Fuck…I don't even remember getting here." I admit. "Did I scare her?"

"Mathilda isn't easily scared. I think it should be the other way around." I smile as I think of the frail looking lady. Pulling my phone from my pocket I send a text to Taylor and have him arrange to send Mathilda flowers. I mean that's the least that I can do. "Do you happen to know what her favorite flowers are?"

"Tulips…she loves tulips." Ana replies immediately and watches me curiously as I send Taylor a text.

"Tomorrow she will receive a flower arrangement with a card attached apologizing for the inconvenience." I clarify.

"And just like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you send a text to that bulky man and it is all set?" She almost sound accusatory.

"I pay him very well Ana."

"Well, it is what you always wanted." She states without taking her eyes off me. And I really would like to know what she is really thinking right now.

"It is…"

"Christian. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." The words hang in the air like a thick cloud of smoke.

"Why were you drunk?"

"It probably may sound crazy, but in the hospital I realized that you have a whole new life. A life that I have no part in. I don't know your friends…and I wish I was still a part of it…"

Her eyes flare with anger. "You could have been…it was you who ended things. Not me."

"I know. And you have no idea how I regret that. You have to believe me Ana there was nobody else. There wasn't another girl or woman who I had fell in love with. There are still a lot of things I need to tell you…I want to be completely honest with you."

"I don't think this is the right time to talk about this…" Ana says nervously and she jumps from the couch.

"At least let me explain. You said in the hospital this afternoon that you had questions. Ask me Ana, ask me everything you want…I will be honest I promise."

She winces slightly and starts pacing the room. "And that's where the crux of the problem is Christian. Don't you understand? You have lied to me once…who tells me that you won't lie to me again? I gave this a lot of thought since you told me the other day that there had never been another woman…first I thought how could he do that to me? How could he have been so cruel and hard, why didn't he tell me the truth? Then I started to blame myself…was it me? Should I somehow had seen it coming and then I thought…where the fuck did I go wrong?"

She turns around and looks at me sadly. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to start trusting people again?"

"I'm sorry" I whisper and hang my head in shame. I can't even bear to look at the pain in her eyes.

"Will you stop saying sorry!" She yells. Her hands are clutched at her sides. "Sorry doesn't make everything go away Christian…sorry doesn't mean shit!"

"Then what the fuck am I supposed to say to make you listen!" I yell back totally exasperated. "I made a mistake…a huge one that is…" I continue.

"Yeah Christian people make mistakes, but you like to go all big and fuck it all up…" She says throwing her arms in the air.

"Let me prove to you that I changed Ana, I learned from my mistakes…I promise that if you give me the chance I will prove to you that everything was my fault…you didn't do anything wrong…please don't blame yourself for my mistakes. Tell me how can I make this right again?" I am now standing so close to Ana that with just the slightest move of my hand I am able to touch her. So with all the courage I can muster I lift my hand and bring it to her hair and softly tuck a loose strand behind her ear. Her eyelids flutter and she closes them briefly and ever so slowly she leans into my touch. A shudder runs through her body and I just relish in her touch. Slowly I lift my other hand and push her head slowly to my chest. Surprisingly she doesn't fight it and just leans with her cheek against my chest. Since she doesn't make any attempts to move, I just hold on to her. There are so many things that I would like to say to her right now, but none of them seem right or good enough.

I don't know how long we stay like this, but then Ana takes a step back and stares at me. Her eyes searching my face as if she can find the answers to all of her questions just by looking at me.

"Wednesday, we can talk Wednesday." She murmurs and looks at her fidgeting fingers. Two fucking days? She is going to make me wait two long days…

"I'll come up and pick you up for breakfast and then we can go anywhere you like or you can come to my place…"

"I have to work in the morning." She says. "And you have to work too probably…"

"I can clear my schedule." I answer quickly.

"But I can't." She rebukes.

"Then you name the time and place and I will be there."

"Let me think about it and I will text you the details in the morning…" My heart sinks. She is trying to brush me off…

"I promise Christian…I will send you a text later. Now it would be best if you leave…"

"Ana…I don't know why we can't make the arrangements now…" She holds her hand in the air, and I stop talking.

"You just told me that you want me back and that you need to explain to me why you did what you did…if you really mean that, then give me some breathing space Christian. If you really mean what you say…" Shaking her head in frustration her blue eyes turn to mine. "Actions speak louder than words Christian. It has been five years, a few days longer won't kill you…"

She starts walking away but turns around when she reaches the door to the hallway. "I am going to use the bathroom. I want you gone when I come back." Without a goodbye she turns around and makes her way to the bathroom. The last thing I hear before I leave her apartment is the slamming of the bathroom door.


Author's note: Hi all! I won't be able to update next week since I am leaving for a short vacation in a few days. See you in two weeks!

Thank you all for reading and sharing your thoughts with me! It is very much appreciated.

Take care

Alner X