Fili ends up sitting on a bench in the local park, mulling over his thoughts until he can't stand it any longer and just chooses to stare at the pond instead. The ripples are oddly calming, and he finds his thoughts just disappear after a while. So with a clear head, he tries to think of what the hell he's going to tell Thorin.
And Kili.
He has to tell them.
The thought almost makes him feel sick, and he groans, burying his face in his hands. He just wants to go home and go to bed and not wake up for a few days, and hopefully whatever's wrong with him will just turn out to be a misunderstanding and he's actually fine but he knows that happy endings don't exist in his world.
They never have done.
He drops his hands from his face and stares at the pond again, at the ripples, until he calms down properly. After a few moments more, Fili starts to map out Brecon in his mind and decide where he's going to go, because home definitely isn't on the list of places he wants to be right now.
If he leaves the park the way he came, he could drop by Bombur's bakery and get himself something to eat because he's bloody starving after skipping his breakfast this morning. And it'll give him time to think about what he's going to tell Thorin. So that's exactly what he does.
It's not a long walk to Bombur's, then again, Fili thinks he could probably walk across the whole town in about twenty. He steps into the quaint shop with its window full of cakes and pastries and things that he remembers begging off Bombur as a kid, and manages the tiniest smile at the memory. The shop bell rings as the door swings open, and he hears Bombur call out a friendly 'hello!' from one of the backrooms, before emerging into the shop, behind the counter. His smile only widens when he sees that it's Fili.
"Lad, howya?" Bombur greets Fili, waving him over. Fili walks in, admiring the new selection of cakes that he vaguely remembers Bombur talking about not so long ago.
"So-so." Fili answers honestly, forcing his mouth into a grim smile as he glances up at Bombur. Bombur sighs, smile faltering.
"One of those days?" Bombur asks kindly, with no suspicion in his tone like Fili's come to expect from Thorin.
"I suppose." Fili shrugs. "But either way, I'm bloody starving. What do you recommend?" he quickly changes the topic and forces a grin, trying to alleviate the dark mood that's already beginning to descend upon his shoulders.
"Well, lad, a good old vanilla cupcake always works wonders on bad days." Bombur chuckles, nodding to the cupcake tray perched on top of the glass counter.
"You haven't stopped making those bear claws, have you?" Fili suddenly asks, after a moment of contemplation, and Bombur's face brightens immediately. He nods, and disappears into the bakery. He returns a few moments later with a pastry wrapped in a napkin and hands it to Fili.
"On the house." Bombur says with a wink and a grin, as Fili takes the pastry gratefully.
"You don't sell them?" Fili notes, digging into the bear claw eagerly. It's not much more than an irregular shaped lump of pastry that does kind of resemble a bear's paw, it's just covered in sticky honey. They were the only thing that Fili would eat at one point, until he made himself so sick that he couldn't touch them for months after. Thorin still finds it funny.
"Now and then. Nobody likes them quite like you though, laddie." Bombur laughs fondly as he brings out a fresh tray of Cornish pasties to put out.
"Hm. Fili nods, feeling content for the moment, the worries of what happened at the surgery flitting to the back of his mind. He stays there for a bit, talking to Bombur about this and that and he manages to apologise about six times about his impromptu stay at their house a few nights ago in the process.
Eventually, Fili finishes the pastry, mumbles a hurried goodbye to Bombur and walks out, deciding on the best path to take to Thorin's offices. They're right in the middle of the town centre, and they're not hard to miss. Glass walls and sleek monochrome (Fili swears down that Thorin is either colour-blind or just has a problem with monochrome), it stands out garishly amongst the old red brick and lumber shops of the old town. Fili thinks it looks awful, but he's not going to tell Thorin that in so many words.
As he descends the steps onto the main high street, he catches sight of the fucking awful office doors and stops dead, his feet unwilling to move. Fili can feel his heart starting to hammer in his chest again, and he feels cold to the bone and his head starts swimming and it's all he can do to hold onto the railings and hope to Mahal he doesn't bloody faint. He brings back his breathing mantra and just holds on.
The moment passes, but Fili still holds onto the railings in his usual white-knuckle grip, and he can't seem to let go. There's a voice in his head screaming at him to turn around and run back to his car and just get away because this isn't a good idea, but then the rational part of him is telling him to get this over with.
Fili looks over to the doors again and starts to think. If he walks in now, Thorin will know something's wrong before he even says a word, because Fili never goes to him if he can help it. Ever. And then if Thorin asks, Fili knows he will tell him everything. Not just about what Dr Mithrandir said, but about his journal that he's ruined, about his panic attacks and how bad they really are, about how much he fucking hates Thorin's guts sometimes and how scared he is about everything that's happening to him and he won't even be able to stop. He'll end up a sobbing mess in about two minutes, with Thorin staring at him in what Fili assumes will be a mixture of sheer disappointment and something resembling pity, before he tells him to go home and that he'll 'deal with him later'.
And then he'll go home and ruin his journal some more and probably sleep for a bit and avoid Thorin for the rest of the night, and Thorin won't even bother.
Fili doesn't really blame him. He wouldn't bother with himself either.
And that's why he finds himself running back to his car, the pain in his chest verging on unbearable, but he doesn't want to stop. He almost feels like he could run to the edge of the world. So he carries on, past the car park, past the hills and down into the valley.
His lungs are on fire by the time he reaches the driveway to the house, and his legs can barely support him, and he's holding onto the gate as he coughs violently and then he's crying again, sucking in ragged, painful breaths as he clings onto the iron bars. He's scared of what tomorrow will bring, of what Mithrandir will tell him after the scan, of everything.
He's so fucking scared.
oOo
June 10th 2012
please help
fili
Fili can hear someone shouting, but it seems far off, as if they're a mile down the road. On the edge of his blurred vision he can see a figure moving above him, and he thinks he can feel hands on his shoulders, digging into his skin. It hurts. He wants to move, to get away. It's disorientating and he can't place it and he's so confused.
"Fili-" he hears his name being called, but it sounds so distorted, like someone's shouting through cotton wool that's been stuffed mercilessly into his ears. He feels so lightheaded and sleepy and Mahal, what the fuck is happening to him-
"Fili-" Fili hears his name again, louder this time. He blinks, trying to clear his vision, but it does nothing. The figure just blurs in and out of focus and it's making him feel sick. He moans, unable to form the words that he wants to say. His pleas come out as garbled murmurs, and he just wants them to understand what he's saying but they won't-
"Fili!" the scream rings loud and clear in his ears this time, and when he opens his eyes, everything seems sharp and clear again, and the figure turns out to be Kili, and Kili is red-eyed and on the phone, frantically talking, words spilling out that Fili can't quite put together coherently.
"Kili?" Fili breathes, his chest burning. He groans in pain as he tries to move his head, which pounds mercilessly at the slightest tilt, and he realises he can taste the coppery tang of blood in the back of his mouth, and when he looks up again he realises he's lying on the floor of the foyer, marble columns stretching up above him.
"Kili." Fili moans, trying to get his brother's attention, but Kili is still babbling to whoever's on the other end of the phone. Fili vaguely catches an address, before his vision starts to blur again. Suddenly, Kili's cool hands are either side of his face which feels so hot and he doesn't know why. He opens his eyes and sees the familiar deep brown of Kili's, and manages a lop-sided smile.
"What are you doing?" Fili mumbles slowly, slurring.
"Fi, don't move. You've lost a lot of blood, the ambulance is on its way-"
"No- no!" Fili's heart turns to ice at the mention of an ambulance, and panic starts to work its way through his body once again. He's shaking as he reaches up to Kili, begging silently as words fail him. But Kili just shakes his head.
"It's okay, you're gonna be okay-" Kili cuts himself off with a sob, and he feels sick at the sight of the blood – Fili's blood - staining Thorin's white marble floor, but he braces himself and smooths a hand over Fili's hair and tries to calm him down, whiling away the time until the ambulance or Thorin gets here, because he doesn't have a fucking clue what to do.
He's never been so scared in his life.
It's Thorin who gets there first, and he barrels through the door, moving faster than Kili's ever seen him do in his life. His face is almost as white as the walls, and his mutter of 'oh, Mahal-' only provokes another choked sob from Kili who watches as Thorin sinks to his knees on the opposite side of Fili, and looks to him. Kili doesn't know what to say. He can't think straight. All he can see is his brother bleeding to death on the stark white and it looks fucking horrible and he's sure he's just been caught in a bad nightmare for the past three years but whenever he tries to wake up he can't so it must be real-
"Kili, listen to me!" he hears Thorin shout, and Kili snaps to attention as his thoughts go flying.
"You called the ambulance?"
Kili nods frantically, trying to ignore the sticky warmth of the blood seeping through his fingers.
"How long ago did you get here?"
Kili shakes his head, mouth opening and closing uselessly as he attempts to spit out some words. A time, at least. But nothing gets through.
"He's so cold-" Thorin breathes as he presses a hand gently to Fili's cheek, which seems to be rapidly losing colour and Kili feels so helpless and his brother is going to die-
"They're here." Thorin says suddenly, and the piercing wail of sirens pulls Kili from his despair and forces him to his feet. He wrenches the door open and the paramedics hurry in soon after, and then Kili is lost in the chaos that follows.
Minutes grow into hours as Kili sits on an uncomfortable, sub-standard hospital chair, fingers clenching and unclenching around the legs sporadically, as though he is trying to hold himself in place. He can hear Thorin beside him, on the phone. He doesn't know who to. He doesn't really care.
He doesn't care about much past what's behind those doors at the end of the corridor, which is currently devoid of anybody bar him and his uncle and the occasional porter.
The last Kili saw of his brother was him being taken into a room where Kili could not follow, bloodied and on the verge of consciousness. He kept asking for him, but Kili couldn't answer, and that had made him feel sick to his gut. He still feels sick now, Kili realises. It's just nerves, he knows, but it doesn't make it any better.
Thorin eventually stops talking, and Kili hears the rustle of his suit jacket as he puts his phone back in his pocket. Kili thinks about telling him that he's not allowed his phone here, but decides against it and continues staring blankly down the corridor, clinging onto the fading hope that his brother will be okay.
"That was Balin." Thorin speaks then, voice a sudden gunshot in an empty room, and Kili flinches at the sudden noise. Thorin doesn't miss it, and regards Kili with a look.
"You're tired." Thorin notices the dull glint to Kili's eyes then, and faces him properly, brow furrowing in concern. "Ki?"
Kili looks up at his name, because it's only ever Fili who calls him that. Thorin resigned that name to distant memory long ago. But hearing his uncle say it forces a wave of nostalgia upon him and he's choking back a sob, tears stinging in his eyes. He leans forward and digs the heel of his hands into his eyes as his elbows come to rest on his knees, and he knows he's shaking and he knows Thorin can see and he doesn't care and all he wants is Fili to be okay-
"Oh, lad-" Kili hears Thorin murmur and then he can feel his arms around him and he leans instinctively towards Thorin, gravitating to that warmth and security that had kept him and Fili safe for all those years, no matter how many bad patches they went through. And Mahal knows, there've been plenty of those.
"Don't-" Kili says suddenly, voice thick with all the bound up grief he didn't even know was there, "Don't say it's going to be okay now."
Thorin says nothing, but Kili can feel his grip tightens around him, like he's afraid of letting go all of a sudden.
"Because you've been saying that for three years-" Kili goes on, a pathetic sob punctuating his words every so often, "-and it's still not okay."
Thorin's fingers are digging into Kili's arms.
"I've been waiting for my brother to come back since Mahal knows when," Kili continues relentlessly, "but now I'm wondering if he even exists anymore- and if he does, he won't… he won't be the same. Will he?"
Thorin sucks in a ragged breath, and he can feel the burning in his eyes and Mahal, no, he's not going to fucking cry-
"No."
