Spock was a bit stressed out. It had been a couple days since he had melded with Jim, and he had made no efforts to talk to the man since. His mind was filled with so many contradicting things. He initially felt (although he would deny as such if anybody asked) hurt and angry that Jim would engage in relations with Keilen while their relationship was still active. The one reason as to why Spock was hesitant to even begin a relationship with Jim was because of the man's past promiscuity. He had promised Spock that he would stay faithful, for all that time, but then he went and slept with Keilen.
Then during Admiral Hann's hearing, Spock had realized that Jim was given little choice when ordered to seduce the sultana. Jim admitted to being physically hurt by her, and Spock felt a possessive sympathy for him. He still cared for Jim, and it pained him to see him hurting. Hearing later that Jim had accepted the orders not only to protect his crew, but because of his and Spock's argument long ago... It almost ripped Spock's mind apart.
He had been so occupied by the fact that Jim had betrayed him, had followed malicious orders, had made the bad decision- but knowing then that Jim had done it all BECAUSE of Spock and not against him just caused the Vulcan so much internal grief. Grief, guilt, and anger.
Spock spent the whole evening meditating after that hearing. He pushed the emotions out, conquering them and banishing them from his thoughts. When he was having trouble concentrating, he went to the bathroom to splash his face, but Jim had shown up there 4.93 seconds after him.
When Spock saw the marks on Jim's skin, he had to struggle internally to not order the ship to switch to full speed towards Rewan II so that he could beat Keilen's dead body into the ground so that she was only a pulp. But he steeled his face, and melded with Jim. He didn't know why or how he had come to the conclusion that he should meld with the man, but he did. And he almost regretted it as soon as he saw Jim's mind. He showed Spock the events of what happened and what he was feeling, but Spock was also able to push in farther, feeling every single little thing that Jim had been feeling. It was incredibly invasive, and he should not have done it. But he did.
He almost showed emotion afterwards. He had to escape. When he left the bathroom, he meditated until his shift. For the next two days he had spent the entirety of his free time meditating. It was hardly fruitful. Spock wondered if he really should have gone through the process of kolinahr when he had the chance, so that he wouldn't feel all of these things. The pent up emotions kept resurfacing every single time he pushed them down. Spock felt like a coward.
"An' you would NOT believe his face when he realized that it would work!" Scotty laughed, patting an embarrassed Chekov on the shoulder and mimicking a face of shocked surprise. "Of course I was a wee bit jealous that he figured it before I did. Prodigious bastard!"
"Be careful Scotty, or I might have to replace you with Chekov again if he keeps performing like that." Jim joked, stabbing a piece of steak with his fork. The others around the table chuckled, and Jim felt some relief. It was almost back to the good old times.
Bones, Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, and Chekov were all sitting with him at the table for dinner, which was something that hadn't taken place ever since the thing on Rewan II. It was Jim's impression that since Bones and Uhura heard what actually happened with Hann and Keilen, they'd been trying to set the rest of the crew straight. He was so unbelievably thankful for that, and he made a mental note to thank the both of them in private next time he could.
"You vould hev discowered it before me if you veren't too occupied weeth Keenser!" Chekov exclaimed with a blush, and Scotty gaped at him.
"You know I can't just let him climb around on all mah stuff!" Scotty retorted, then moved his hand to rub Chekov's back. "D'you want to take a walk later?" Chekov nodded with a small smile, and Scotty grinned. Jim eyed them. He was a little concerned when they came to him to inform him of their relationship so long ago, but they seemed to be doing well. There was very little PDA, they almost never got into fights, and they worked together flawlessly.
Almost like how he and Spock used to be.
Jim swallowed down his remorse and shoved some steak in his mouth to replace it. This was a happy time. Scotty and Chekov joked with each other, Uhura and Sulu chatted about the latter's newest discovery on some strand of flora, and Bones sat quietly next to Jim. The doctor actually seemed to have been quite quiet as of late.
"Hey Bones... How's it going?" Jim asked, not knowing how else to question the man's feelings. Bones shrugged.
"It's alright." He answered, and Jim tried not to sigh. 'Alright' was hardly an answer. As if sensing his anger about the lack of elaboration, Bones added quietly, "Pou came to talk to me."
"I actually forgot that they were still on the ship. We're almost to Rewan II again, though, so they only have about a day left here." Jim said, taking a drink of his water, and Bones sighed.
"Yeah. I know. They wanted me to go with them." He grumbled, and Jim choked on his water. The others looked at him in confusion, but he just waved a dismissive hand at them, and they went back to their individual conversations.
"They what?! You're not, right? You have to stay here. You have duties-"
"Relax, Jim, I'm not going. It's just that... I feel bad." Bones muttered, and Jim had to lean in to hear him clearly. "They said that they love me. Had to turn them down. It was brutal."
"Holy shit... how did that even happen?" Jim asked, frowning at his friend.
"The night of the feast, I got drunk off my ass, and..." Bones looked around to make sure nobody else was listening before saying, "I kissed them. But I was drunk as hell. They're seventeen, damn it. A goddamn kid. They could be MY kid for chrissake."
"God, Bones... You really pushed that limit there." Jim said quietly, putting a hand on the man's shoulder. "You could be arrested. Why would you tell me this?"
"I don't know, Jim. Probably because you're my friend and I wanted to confide in someone." Bones spat, shrugging away from Jim's hand.
"Hey. I'm not spilling anything, okay? I'm fucking done doing everything that I'm supposed to do. If I think that it's the right thing to do from now on, I'm going to do it. And turning you in... that's the wrong thing. They're in love with you. There's no abuse there." Jim whispered, and wrapped an arm around his friend. Bones leaned against him slightly.
"Thanks, Jim." Bones smiled a little, and moved his hand to pat Jim's chest, but Jim flinched away from him quickly. Bones' smile disappeared.
"Sorry. I'm going to go." Jim said frantically, standing from the table abruptly and walking out of the room. Bones stared after him.
"Vhat heppened?" Chekov asked with concern, but Bones shook his head.
"I'm gonna find out." He said, and ran after Jim.
"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a mind reader!" Bones said loudly, throwing his hands up in the air. They were in Jim's quarters, and the man wouldn't talk to him. "Is it because of her?"
"Fuck, Bones, probably!" Jim retorted, sitting down roughly on his bed. Bones stood in front of him and crossed his arms. "Look. I don't know. It just kind of freaks me out when people touch me now, okay? I can touch other people, but as soon as someone makes a move towards me, I just..."
"I'm assigning you to Counselor Joy. She specializes in-"
"I don't give a damn what she specializes in, Bones! I'll be fine without a goddamn counselor. I just need a little bit of time. Maybe it's because some of my cuts still hurt." Jim explained, and Bones sighed again.
"That's the thing, Jim. They shouldn't still be hurting that bad. Maybe a little pain, but you should be fine by now. This isn't the Dark Ages. Medicine's gone a long way." Bones said quietly, and Jim frowned up at him.
"I'm still not seeing a counselor." He decided, and Bones growled and rolled his eyes.
"For God's sake Jim, just listen to me! I'm your doctor, I know what's best for your sanity!" Bones said, but Jim stood up and threw his hands up angrily.
"I don't give a shit about what's best for me, damn it! I'm not going to talk about what happened back there anymore! I'm tired of thinking about it and I'm fed up with people trying to pry it out of me!" Jim yelled, pushing Bones away from him.
"Listen to me, damn it! You're not going to get better if you keep refusing to let anyone help you!" Bones yelled back, pushing Jim with equal force. "You need a goddamn outlet! Or are you going to revert to how you were before you even became a captain?! A good for nothing little fucking cornfed prick that was worth nothing more than the dirt on his feet!"
Jim's fist connected with Bones' face, causing the doctor to stumble backwards before jumping and tackling him to the floor. He held Jim down, shouting at him. "You're the best goddamn captain that I've ever met, Jim! You're a great friend and an amazing person. You care, and you give all that you are so that others can be happy. You're so generous, and everybody here loves you to death." Jim blinked up at him, breathing hard. Bones got off him, helped him up, and pulled him into a hug. "And don't you ever forget it." He whispered, and then he was gone from the room.
He smirked on his way out, which shot pain around his split lip, but he still felt pretty great.
It took a while for Jim to settle down and finish being absolutely pissed at Bones' completely bipolar attitude, but when he was calmed down, he sprawled out on his bed and closed his eyes. His argument with Bones seemed to have drained him, and coupled with his ongoing exhaustion, it wasn't long before he fell asleep.
The nightmare started as they always did. He was cuffed to a wall this time, his wrists burning as the metal cuffs dug into them. He was sweaty and dirty. A form appeared, morphing into the image of Keilen, and Jim grunted as he tried to free himself from his restraints. Keilen smiled her devilish smile, and pushed at Jim's chest painfully.
Jim looked up at her in fear, feeling shocked and betrayed. She opened her mouth to talk, her voice coming out in whispers. "You're... an amazing person." She said, stroking his face. He frowned at her, expecting her to turn around and lash him like she always had before. "Everybody... loves you. You're... generous... a great friend." She then looked worried, and ripped the cuffs off Jim's wrists. She patted his cheek gently. "Don't... forget..." She smiled, and then it all disappeared.
Jim awoke with a gasp, and immediately started touching his wrists like he always did after a nightmare. But then he thought... Was it a nightmare? She let him go. She didn't do anything to him. She just whispered those words.
The words that Bones said while he was holding him down.
Jim choked on his own breath, and sobbed into the night.
