XDDD Gawd, three yaoi requests/ suggestions already (it didn't help that I was listening to "If you were Gay" by Avenue Q XD). My god your all so awesome XD and I shall not deny that I am an UBER ULQUIGRIMM (Yes Ulquiorra is the seme, OK? Not Grimmjow, ULQUIORRA!!) FANGIRL!! HOWEVER, this story will not contain any direct Yaoi pairings, although there are small preferences if you squint, SQUINT (ok maybe squinting, is a bit of an understatement, but hey you know you like it! Hee hee hee)!!
XD lolz, wuv u allz soo much and super-special-awesome THANX TO HEARII FOR CONSTANT SUPPORT/LAUGHS/ AND RANDOM ESPADA CONVERSATIONS XDDD. Well yes enough of my drabbling, ONWARDS TO THE RANDOM AS HELL STORAY 8D REMEMBER TO REVIEW!!
Ulquiorra was sat in a room, a dark one no less, although some strips of light poured through cracks in the walls (he somehow thought that this sort of room would come back to haunt him). He wondered how he managed to be captured so easily, and could only figure that obviously, the gigai was interference. He wasn't allowed out of it unless Aizen-sama, Tousen-sama, or Ichimaru-sama said permitted. So, he managed to blame the gigai for about half of the problem and began to recall the moments just as he ran into the grinning girls.
Flashback!!
Ulquiorra looked back at Grimmjow, smirking.
"Every man for himself..." But e stopped running when he hit something, he looked ahead about to glare the people in front of him. There in front of him, stood two grinning girls.
"Where do you think you're going Ul-qui-or-ra-kun?" One said (who looked suspiciously like the maid), smirking evilly.
"Come play with us emo-chan..." Ulquiorra whipped his head to the other one, who was brandishing a thick rope.
Ulquiorra was about to run in the opposite direction, but was stopped when the maid – now off duty, obviously – shoved him down and straddled his chest, pinning him against the floor. The second girl came running and tied his arms and legs together in a hogtie knot. Once Ulquiorra was completely subdued, the girls began dragging him across the floor.
"Hehe, Hikaru, this'll be so much fun!"
"Yup! Nice hog tie, Kai!" The other, 'Hikaru', replied, giggling with a wink when Ulquiorra scowled
"Brownies; 4 years, baby! Finally, something useful I learned there!" The first girl said punching the air victoriously. The girls began to talk about her adventures in Brownies, not noticing where they were dragging the desperate Espada; eventually, he was conked out when his head hit a large metal pole that was unfortunately misplaced.
End Flashback!!
Ulquiorra remember hitting his head. 'how pathetic….' he thought, grimacing at the thought of being overpowered so easily by two human girls. Withholding a self-sympathetic groan, he let himself smack himself on the head for the blunder.
He had noticed his hands were surprisingly…fuzzy? Ulquiorra's mind raced. "what the hell have they done to me?" He asked aloud. On the left hand side of the wall was a full body mirror. Ulquiorra tried looking into mirror, but it was too dark and he was too far away to see anything.
Forcing out some of his reiatsu and forming a point, he broke through the bonds holding his limbs together. Ulquiorra walked calmly over to the mirror, slightly disturbed at what he thought he would see. He squinted into the mirror, noticing that there were two large and black spots drawn over his eyes, like someone put way too much eye-liner or face paint on him; he saw a vague black heart shape painted on his nose. The Black line that was added, ran downwards so it was connecting his top lip to the spot. Ulquiorra ignored the alterations on his face and stared at his clothing, er…costume…? Ironically enough, he was in a panda suit.
So this what Grimmjow must have felt like in his bunny costume; absolutely ridiculous. Wait, ridiculous was an understatement. He couldn't find a word to describe what it was like in a panda costume (except that it was scarily comfortable, although he'd never, ever admit it was).
Ulquiorra tried to pry the adorable costume off, failing miserably when he realized that there was a zipper on the back. Sadly, that was only thing that could open the damned costume. He would've thrown a tantrum, should he be any of a lesser espada or arrancar rank. But no, he just sat on the floor glaring at himself in the mirror with a pout.
Seconds seemed like hours to the small espada, as he rocked back and forth, eyebrow twitching non-stop. Ulquiorra was sure he would go insane if he stayed in the dark room – in a panda suit – any longer. He heard footsteps approach the door behind him and flinched slightly. He heard some clips of a conversation his kidnappers were having.
"Oh my god Hikaru, I know you said he was a cosplayer, but seriously…wow!" The muffled voice of the one named Kai came through.
"I know! God, you'd think he had just stepped out of the anime for a holiday or something!" Oh the sad, sad irony…
"Do you think he'd be mad that we kidnapped him and dressed him up in a Panda costume? I mean we don't even know his name."
The other girl laughed. "Course not, I'm sure he'll understand everything after we explain. After all, he must be another Bleach fan to cosplay Ulquiorra Schiffer!" He twitched at the sound of his name. From what he gathered, there were loads more of himself in the human world, and that they had this obsession with a show called 'Bleach'.
This was insanity.
These women must be completely mad to think he wouldn't be angry. Actually, angry couldn't even begin to explain it. He knew enough of the human would to know that humans don't go around kidnapping people for the hell of it.
"Hmm... I guess your right, but didn't you say he was gay?" Ulquiorra looked at his desperate expression in the mirror.
"Oh, right! His friend was cosplaying Grimmjow Jaegarjaques. They were probably practising for a skit or something…"
"Haha, sweet. Arrancar yaoi X3." How he heard the 'X3' in her voice made him think that their madness was contagious. "I wonder, if Ulqui-chan got M-preg, would he have kittens?" Ulquiorra wanted to break the mirror.
"Hmm…interesting concept. Although, I doubt we'd ever find out unless we kidnapped and tortured Kubo Tite, of course," the other teased.
With that, Ulquiorra's ears were filled with the chilling sound of laughter. 'These girls are evil…' He thought, shuddering. Ulquiorra wondered how in the hell they knew about the Espada, Arrancar and Grimmjow.
And once again, Ulquiorra heard the unknown word 'yaoi' come up, followed closely by M-preg, then the question about whether he would have kittens or not. (Wait, why would he have kittens in the first place? He doesn't even like animals, for god sake, let alone kittens.) Nevertheless, Ulquiorra didn't want to find out the meaning of those terms from "them".
He just noticed the single window high up on the wall. It was barred off (once again, this room would come back to haunt him) but there was a long three-seater sofa right next the wall.
The footsteps were closer and Ulquiorra scrambled up onto the sofa, punching through the bars and escaping through the window. The girls walked in, holding various colourful outfits, dresses and costumes but were surprised that the room was completely empty.
Hikaru pouted and folded her arms crossly. "Damn it, he got away!" she hissed frustratedly.
Kairi (other girl, A.K.A Me!) dropped the load of outfits she was holding and pulled out a small rectangular remote with a red beeping centre. "He shouldn't be too far…" She muttered, staring at the rapidly moving red dot on the rectangular device.
MEANWHILE, FAR FAR AWAY!!
A little boy wailed helplessly as he watched a panda swear at him and steal his parent's car. Afterwards, another panda came running by, pushing the little boy into the bushes in a desperate attempt to get to a huge hotel off in the distance. From that day onwards, that one little boy would grow up to fear, even despise, the panda and start up a "Kill Savages of The Global Community" group that specialised in killing the pandas…
Ulquiorra cautiously sneaked through dense shrubs and gardens to get back to the hotel porch, trying not to draw attention to himself – although he pushed a crying little boy into a thorn bush by accident.
He was happy (although he didn't show it) to know that the madwomen hadn't taken off the clothes he was wearing beforehand, so he could still feel the card key resting in his pocket; the only downside is that, being in a very hot country with two layers of clothing, isn't a very good idea. Since most of the panda costume was black, Ulquiorra started to feel dizzy, slightly put off by the smell that his costume was emitting.
Ulquiorra saw the beach, once again empty, and silently celebrated in his head; if the Espada – no, anyone – saw him like this the consequences would be dire. His reputation of being a formidable and silent killer would be down the drain. He wondered once again if this is how Grimmjow must've felt. If so, Ulquiorra must remind himself to force the Sixth Espada into animal costumes more often. At least knowing Grimmjow experienced these mixed thoughts made him feel slightly better. Ulquiorra quickly looked around again before scurrying out.
"LOOK, MUMMY! IT'S THE SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PANDA!!" (If you get the joke then VIVE LE SOUTH PARK XDDDD) a little girl cried running towards Ulquiorra, her hand grasping tightly onto an older woman's hand. Ulquiorra twitched and was about to shout at the little girl realizing that being attacked by women had gotten him into this predicament. But instead, Ulquiorra started sprinting to the hotel. If it weren't for the gigai, he'd of sonido-ed.
The receptionist was on the phone to her friend in the lobby
"Oh my god, he said that? Oh honey, you've gotta calm down."
"I know! God, what a bastard! I wanna distract myself from what happened last month, so just talk to me. How was work today? Anything interesting happen?"
The receptionist checked her nails in boredom. "No, same old, same old. Nothing ever ha-"
Ulquiorra ran past the receptionist and up a flight of stairs, his little panda tail flapping against his butt (XDDD gawd lolz) and the receptionist gawked with disbelieving eyes.
"Hmm what Cheryl?" the girl on the other line asked.
The receptionist twitched a bit. Finally, she said, "I don't know if you'll believe me Mira, but a panda just ran through the lobby…."
The line went silent for a little while and Cheryl thought her friend had hung up on her. "Hey Cheryl, you remember what I said about that job at the stripper club down the road? You'll get paid a lot more you know."
The receptionist contemplated that idea.
Ulquiorra sped up the stairs and skidded right outside of his temporary room. He quickly pulled out the card key (how? I have NO idea, so let's like just roll with it for now 8D) and opened the door swiftly. He would've run in but was startled by the amount of people in his room. Every single Espada that came on the trip and didn't 'mysteriously disappear', Gin, and Tousen were sitting either on the floor, the bed, or the couch surrounded by large amounts of food.
Grimmjow had a spoonful of ice-cream in his mouth and looked at Ulquiorra. Everyone went quiet. Halibel snickered, which then turned into a fit of laughter, closely followed by the ringing sounds of the other Espada's laughter. Gin took out his trusty camera and took a picture of UlquiPanda (Yes, I will call him that every time he's in that damned panda suit XD). UlquiPanda twitched uncontrollably as he the Espada fell off their seats or fell backwards, laughing endlessly.
'They're not supposed to be laughing god damn it.' Halibel collapsed on Stark and Nnoitra, tears streaming out of her eyes, Grimmjow pounded on his chest, trying to dislodge the spoon he choked on. Nnoitra and Szayel were literally rolling on the flooring, laughing to the point of suffocation. Tousen managed to sneak a chuckle into his sleeve – how he saw was a puzzler –, while Wonderweiss poked at Ulquiorra curiously.
" GOD DAMN IT, STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Ulquiorra finally yelled when the roars didn't seem to die down. He was getting pissed off at the lack of respect (coughSYMPATHYcough) he was receiving.
"Well, Ulqui-chan, seems like fate has finally bit ya on the butt for what ya did to Grimmjow!" Gin said leaning against the wall.
Grimmjow hacked out the spoon, which sailed across the room hitting Ulquiorra squarely in the head, knocking him backwards. Everyone saw the little puffball of a tail on the costume as Ulquiorra fell backwards, and Grimmjow's laugh cascaded over the rest of it all. Ulquiorra's constant twitches turn into a full out spasm. Wonderweiss walked up to Ulquiorra and started stroking his head muttering something along the lines of "Panda-cat" this started up a whole new wave of laughter.
'Aizen, please kill me now…' UlquiPanda thought as Wonderweiss continuously petted his head.
Eventually, twelve hours later, everyone had calmed down and stopped laughing at the prospect of UlquiPanda. Although they did give him strange looks, it was enough to last.
"So UlquiPan- Ulquiorra, who or what possessed you to dress like…that?" Szayel asked sitting up and eyeing the costume. Ulquiorra thought over his answer carefully. After all, if he told the Espada that this had been done by two human girls, he'd once again be the laughing stock and if such news got to the ears of Aizen, then he may as well kiss his rank in the Espada goodbye.
" I…volunteered…for a…save the pandas campaign….and I had to…dress up as the, uh, sexual harassment panda…" Ulquiorra had to force the words out of his mouth.
Everyone went quiet again. Maybe saying I had to dress up as the sexual harassment panda' wasn't exactly the best of ideas.
Undoubtedly, the room was once again filled with the ringing sound of laughter. Everyone was rolling on the floor with laughter and half the Espada didn't even notice the pain as they fell off the bed on top of each other. Ulquiorra stormed off to the bathroom, once again his little puffball of a panda tail flapping helplessly against his backside.
Once inside, Ulquiorra attempted to take off the costume with about as much success as his lasted attempt. He figured the only way to get the damned thing off would to get someone to open it from the back but his pride took control of his judgement and Ulquiorra decided that he'd have to be only one to open the damned costume. Somehow, just then, he realised he needed to go toilet – badly.
Once again, IRONY STRIKES!
Ulquiorra mentally slapped himself and stared at the bathroom door, irritable beyond repair. Even his pride agreed that wetting himself would be a step over the line – even if he was already miles past 'the line'.
Ulquiorra poked his head out the door and saw all the Espada looking at him expectantly. "It seems that your costume has yet to come off, Emo-chan. Don't tell me you are actually liking the new change o' clothes?" Gin asked grinning happily. Nnoitra and Szayel smirked and Halibel giggled. Beside her, Grimmjow and Stark had a look of smugness pasted very clearly over their faces. Tousen was impassive and Wonderweiss entertained himself by staring at the blank television screen. Ulquiorra shook his head hurriedly and silently.
"Hmm, I guess the only other reason you'd come out is tha' you've gotten yourself inna a bit o' trouble with that li'l outfit o' yours!" Gin said again in a thinking pose. Ulquiorra nodded quickly. "So, does anyone wanna help out our Li'l Panda?" Gin called, looking around. No one said anything. Szayel coughed. Gin shrugged "Well, Li'l Panda, I'll help ya out. So what do you need?" Ulquiorra twitched; this would be way too awkward, if not just plain out random.
"Was'sat? Speak up, Panda-chan, I can't hear ya!" Gin said leaning forward with a hand cupped over his ear.
Ulquiorra twitched yet again at his new nickname but repeated what he said, slightly louder. "..."
"Still can't hear ya, come on you had the lungs to shout at us before!" Gin said, Ulquiorra swore he could see a slight change in Gin's usual grin. 'He's enjoying this…' he thought
"I need...you too help take off the panda suit, I need to go, like now…."
Gin straightened himself back up to full height and huffed. "If ya insist on being that quiet I wont be able to help ya." he said crossing his arms and put on a slight pout.
Ulquiorra couldn't take it. "GODDAMNIT, HELP ME TAKE OFF THE FUCKING PANDA SUIT! I NEED TO PISS, BADLY!" Ulquiorra yelled the statement and accidently brought on a whole new wave of laughter. Grimmjow was loudest, obviously, tears ran down his cheeks. Ulquiorra was sure that Grimmjow would never let him live this down.
Gin's grin came back like it had never left. 'Fucking bastard…' was the single thought running through Ulquiorra's mind at the moment.
"See, that wasn't so hard, now was it? So, whenever your ready, Emo-chan!" Gin said happily. Ulquiorra trudged back into the bathroom with Gin following closely behind him.
"I hate you so much right now…" Ulquiorra muttered under his breath. He could still hear the aggravating laughter from the bedroom, kitchen, and living room.
"Hmm? Was'sat, Emo-chan?"
"I said the zip is just under my left shoulder blade."
"An' so it is!" Gin pulled down the Zipper quickly and looked at Ulquiorra through his squinting. "There; s'all done!"
Ulquiorra stepped out the costume and kicked it away hurriedly. The costume was extremely dank, probably from sweat and being in the sun and dark room for a long time than he would ever have imagined. "Thank…you…" Ulquiorra once again forced the words out of his mouth.
"Notta problem!" Gin chirped, walking towards the door. His hand was on the handle he stopped.
"Ya know," he pondered thoughtfully. "those type of costumes can be opened from inside. All you had to do was pull back yer hand and unzip yer back," Gin said before stepping out, barely dodging a pale fist that broke through the door behind him. Gin smirked. Messing with the Espada was certainly fun.
A couple of minutes later, Ulquiorra came out the bathroom. He glaring at everyone, whom had coincidentally just started leaving. 'Thank Aizen…'
As soon as everyone had left, with exception of Grimmjow, he was sure he could hear cheering mixed in with some laughter. Ulquiorra peeked out the door and saw Gin doing a sort of victory pose, holding his hands together in a fist position and waving them in the air. He did a twirl just to finish it off. Ulquiorra slapped his forehead dragging his hand down his face, but ended up hitting himself unnecessarily hard so that made himself take a few steps back.
Grimmjow's laugh brought Ulquiorra back to reality. The smaller man turned around, glaring at his holiday partner. At that same moment in time, he'd noticed the half wet spoon at his feet. He picked it up and threw it at Grimmjow's head, where it settled nicely in his hair. Grimmjow twitched and felt around his hair for the spoon; he wanted to finish off the ice cream and rest of the food. It made him feel better after what happened today with his own fan girls.
Ulquiorra sat on 'his' bed and stared at the TV screen. At least, he tried to because Grimmjow seemed to be having a lot of difficulty finding the utensil. It was then that Ulquiorra realised that Grimmjow was wearing his clothes and not his own. They were slightly bursting at the seams were the sleeves were sewn to the torso part of the shirt; the trousers Grimmjow were unbelievably tight – even thought they'd be plenty of room for Ulquiorra's legs to pass through and still have space – allowing every single part of Grimmjow's body, bottom down, visible. Ulquiorra grimaced and winced slightly when Grimmjow rolled over with his legs in the air. Turning away, he started trying to remove the image of Grimmjow's, uh… groin, in his mind. He made a note to burn those clothes later, or wash them with heavy super duty soap, or perhaps bleach; any would do, although the idea of burning them was a very popular one.
Wait, why was Grimmjow wearing his clothes in the first place?
"Grimmjow, why in hell are you wearing my clothes?" Ulquiorra asked icily.
Grimmjow sat up, holding the spoon in his hand. "Cuz I couldn't find my other clothes."
'Simpleton.' Ulquiorra thought.
"And where, exactly, are the clothes you were wearing this morning?" Ulquiorra scrutinized.
"Well, YOU killed my trousers, and I lost my shirt – amongst OTHER things –to those vicious vixens that YOU left me with. But I couldn't remember where my suitcase is…" Grimmjow answered staring at nothing in particular.
Ulquiorra nearly laughed, that moment was oddly funny. But what were these "other things" Grimmjow was talking about? Ulquiorra thought carefully and almost gagged at his given conclusion. He brought his hand to his face and sighed deeply.
"Grimmjow, for the love of all that's good and Aizen, please tell me you are NOT wearing my boxers, too."
Grimmjow stared at Ulquiorra then focused his attention on a mosquito, scratching his cheek nervously. "Well…amongst those OTHER things…I may have lost mine." Ulquiorra shuddered considerably and Grimmjow thought Ulquiorra would lunge at him, and so brought up his hands in defence. Sensing nothing happening Grimmjow brought them back down. Ulquiorra was lying down on the bed, back facing towards Grimmjow.
"Grimmjow, tomorrow morning, we are going to forget this conversation ever happened. Everything that happened today was a dream and nothing more. Those clothes you're wearing will be burned and not a trace of them will be left in this abode or in a hundred mile radius of me. And for the record, your suitcase is under the bathroom sink. Now, good night…" Ulquiorra said in that familiar monotone that he had not used enough of today. Grimmjow twitched at Ulquiorra's straight statement, but shrugged. Hey, if Ulquiorra could forget what happened and not cero Grimmjow's head off, everything would be okay, right? Besides, these human clothes were rather comforting. Like Grimmjow could forget where his clothes were, now if he could just remember the suitcase combination…
The next morning, Ulquiorra was the first one awake. His nose was slightly disturbed by the burning smell coming from the bathroom; he reluctantly pushed himself up and went to check what it was. There was a small pile of ashes in the middle of the bathroom floor.
'Probably the clothes from yesterday,' he thought. And also, the opening of Grimmjow's suitcase was severely charred and burnt, like it had been blasted off. There was a familiar reiatsu emanating from the suitcase.
Ulquiorra rolled his eyes 'Idiot probably forgot the combination again. How hard is it to forget 1, 2, 3?" Ulquiorra traced his finger over the charred remains of the opening. 'He cero'd it, 5 hours ago." he guessed, staring at the golden fish clock situated on the bathroom wall. It read 10:45.
Ulquiorra turned round to leave the bathroom, greeted by the snores and occasional snorts from Grimmjow, who had, miraculously, fallen on the floor and was completely tangled in the blankets that had just been replaced. Just like the morning before...
There was a knock on the door and Ulquiorra walked over to answer it. Standing in front of him was the last person he wanted to see. Gin's normal expression in place and he was waving lightly.
"Morning, Panda-chan! How you feelin' today, hmm?" Ulquiorra stared. "I just came to tell ya tha' everyone's going to that small hotel-rest'rant bar to have a proper human breakfast! Int'restin', neh? We're all waiting downstairs for the two o' ya, so hurry up!" Gin grinned. Ulquiorra nodded and retreated back into the room.
Not wanting to waste time for his partner to wake up, Ulquiorra repeated the process of lifting up the sheets and shaking it slightly to free the victim tangled between them. Grimmjow snorted and growled as his head made contact with the ground.
"Get up and get changed. We're going downstairs to have breakfast with everyone." Ulquiorra stated simply, ignoring all the profanities aimed at him. Grimmjow sat up and stalked off into the bathroom, stretching and 'accidentally' hitting the back of Ulquiorra's head with his arm.
Ulquiorra grabbed a thick book that was beside his bedside, called "Bag of Bones", and stood by the doorway, waiting patiently for Grimmjow. Eventually Grimmjow emerged from the bathroom. He was wearing something similar to yesterday's out fit, a black open jacket over a white shirt and normal jeans and white sneaker. Strangely enough, the Espada had gained knowledge of the term "fashion" in his subconscious. Ulquiorra left with Grimmjow, following closely behind the man who was yawning and scratching his head continuously.
"Grimmjow, did you lock the door?" Ulquiorra asked, not taking his eyes off the book he was now reading.
Grimmjow waved it off. "Yeah, yeah don't worry nothing's gonna get stolen, you queer." Ulquiorra took that as a no.
The descent to the restaurant was a long and silent one, which was instantly disturbed when Gin called them both and motioned to a table, which was surrounded by everyone else.
Nnoitra rolled his eyes at the sight of the two approaching Arrancar. "God," he scoffed "what took you guys so long? Did Grimmjow get his head stuck in the toilet or something?"
Everyone snickered at Nnoitra's comment, even Grimmjow had jumped Nnoitra and had him in a painful head lock.
"What was that, you sorry excuse for a whale?!" Grimmjow muttered through gritted teeth. Nnoitra thrashed around violently, knocking over neighbouring tables. Everyone sighed and looked down. Only those two would fight over the smallest insult.
Eventually Stark pulled them apart. "Now, now we're not here to fight. You can do as much fighting as you like when we're back home, okay?" There was no response. "Good. Now, sit down so we can eat and carry on with our lives," He said calmly staring at the two glaring Arrancar. Stark dropped them both and went back to his seat.
"So's ev'ryone settled down then?" Gin asked. No one said anything and Gin shrugged, handing everyone a menu and piece of paper. "Everyone read yer lists and write down wat ya want. Then, I'll send someone ta get yer food inna snap!" Everyone nodded and began scanning the menu.
"The hell is a baaa-kon?" Szayel asked sounding out the word and staring at the menu strangely. "Whatever it is, it sounds poisoned,"
"Everything sounds poisoned to you Szayel," Halibel stated calmly, writing down 'pancakes' next to 'hot chocolate' on her piece of paper.
Szayel stuck his tongue out childishly and carried on scanning the menu.
"The hell, they do doughnuts here!" Grimmjow said excitedly, scribbling it down next to 'toast', 'pancakes', 'bacon' and 'coffee'.
Eventually everyone had written down what they wanted and placed the papers in the middle of the table. They stared at Gin and Tousen as they placed their slips of paper in the middle, waiting for Gin to finish helping the blind man complete his list.
"Well now, it seems that everyone's finished. We'll choose someone who has a good literate English sense to pick up our food. I can tell most of you are already disoriented by the sudden change of language and character forms here so-"
"The fuck is a 'feee-sshhu'?" Grimmjow interrupted, staring at the menu.
"That's 'fish', Grimmjow. It's English for 'sakana'." Ulquiorra stated, licking his finger and turning a page in the book.
"The hell, why doesn't it just say so, then? Don't have to be so fucking complicated…" Ulquiorra looked at Grimmjow through the corner of his jade eyes.
"This country is originally Spanish and English, it should be easy to read and understand,"
"If it's so damn easy, explain why everyone has a hard time speaking the native language apart from you?" For once Grimmjow was right. Up until now, no one apart from Gin, Tousen and Ulquiorra had spoken in perfect English.
"Well, Panda-chan, Grimmy-jow 's right! You seem ta be speakin' in an' understanding perfect English, especially judgin' by that book ya got there. Why don't ya go and get the food fer us?" Ulquiorra shrugged, and stood up walking away with the pieces of paper to the food table; 'Anything to get away from those idiots,' Ulquiorra thought.
Gin stood up and decided to get everyone their drinks. Ulquiorra was still getting all the food – grimacing at some of the details. Seriously, bacon covered in syrup and sugar?
Gin placed down three hot chocolates, two coffees, two cups of tea and a cup of milk; the last on the list obviously being for Wonderweiss. Everyone took what they thought was theirs and either sipped the liquid curiously or just left it on the table.
"Hey, Grimmjow. I dare you to put salt in Ulquiorra's tea." Nnoitra said motioning over to the two white containers on the table. Grimmjow grinned evilly, 'Payback for waking me up…' he thought. He stared at the small bottles getting confused because he seriously couldn't read English properly. Grimmjow shrugged and grabbed a random bottle, pouring its entire contents into Ulquiorra's cup and threw the bottle over his shoulder, ignoring the yelps from other tables, and sat back in his chair proudly.
Nnoitra stirred the salt until it completely dissolved in the warm liquid. Ulquiorra came back in one trip, miraculously, as he managed to balance eight plates of food on different parts of his body; one plate balanced nicely on top of his head, followed by two balancing on his shoulders, two more on his arms and two in his hands, his own plate was carried carefully in mouth. Although it was a rather comical look, Ulquiorra had a great posture that allowed him to walk as if he was walking normally. When he reached the table, he set down the plates to each person carefully, ignoring the round of applause from neighbouring tables and people.
Ulquiorra noticed that the sugar container had been knocked over, but ignored it. Ulquiorra watched as everyone began to eat, although Halibel and Stark probably had the least most sensible choice out of the Espada. Halibel had the bright idea to put salt over her pancakes and Stark had dipped some of his bacon in the chocolate sauce and coffee.
Ugh, horrible combination…
Ulquiorra picked up his cup, not noticing seven intense stare aimed at him. Taking a few small sips, then a final big gulp he had downed most of the tea already, along with the vast amount of 'salt' mixed in.
"Eh? Don't tell me you guys finished the sugar already…" Gin said, looking at the empty sugar container. Nnoitra fell backwards laughing whilst Grimmjow didn't know how to react. This had meant that the Fourth Espada, the World's Saddest Clown, had just downed a whole glass of sugar in under a minute. Either way, everyone noticed that Ulquiorra had gone very very stiff, his black hair falling over his eyes in a messy fashion. They all went silent and looked at the small Espada expectantly.
In a snappy motion, Ulquiorra's head bounced back up, slightly scaring everyone at the sudden change in movement. Ulquiorra looked around at everyone very quickly, almost at a breakneck speed...and the he got a crazy glint in his eyes and a rather creepy smile on his face.
"GWIMMY-CHAN!!" he suddenly burst, waving his hands in the air franticly to the Espada beside him. "YOU ISH MA BESTEST FRIEND!! ACK WE MUST GO TO THE FAIR IMMEDIATELY! EVERYONE MUST FOLLOW!!" Ulquiorra literally screamed, grabbing a rather frightened Grimmjow by the hand and jumping out the window. Everyone stood up and looked out, watching Ulquiorra whiz around the empty the beach, so fast it made it seem like he was a blur. Grimmjow's yell could be heard through the random song that Ulquiorra seemed to be singing.
"Odd…my coffee tastes like that same crap Aizen serves up…" Szayel said, drawing back everyone's attention. He reached over to Ulquiorra's cup, abandoned, and shook it slightly. He drank a sample himself. Almost immediately Szayel was out the window and dancing/running with the rather high Ulquiorra and scared Grimmjow, singing lyrics to a random song they'd just made up.
"Oh dear, I think I might've mixed up the drinks…" Gin said thoughtfully. Everyone stared at their superior in disbelief. Gin chuckled out loud.
Yup, messing with the Espada certainly is fun…
TA DA! Yes, I am NOT afraid of making serious characters stupid as hell, in fact, it's my special ability! Lolz, I wonder how the Espada will cope with a Sugar High Ulquiorra and Szayel? Hmmm (I am now asking for ideas ppl 8D) well yeah R&R man I love the reviews you ppl send me, they're like uber funny, I'll mention my favourite ones in the next chapter k? :P WELL HAVE FUN YOU RETARDS!! R&R PLEEAASSSEEE XD (p.s. Thanx Hearii, still an instant source of inspiration :P, you too Ash XD)
