Chugging to a stop, the Impala pulled in next to the damaged Pacer. Sam stretched drowsily, but even exhaustion wouldn't stop him now. He quickly exited and popped the trunk. He armed himself, just in case. For all he knew, the Sandman was physically here. He couldn't take chances. He couldn't fail or forsake Dean.
Displaying more prudence than the he actually felt, Sam had to force himself into a measured advance. Forcing his urge to rush in to contain itself, he resisted the urge to bolt in and rummage the place. He crept to the entrance and pressed his body close to the frame, slithering inside with a 45 drawn in his hand. A measured exhale escaped to keep him from a mad dash to find Dean. He proceeded quietly. Gratification filled him when he observed a freshly streaked handprint in the dust covered walls. His brother had made it here. He would find him, save him, and possibly kick his ass for leaving in the first place. A small scoff of relief omitted from the depths of emotions that Sam was forcing in check. He took one step farther in the hall.
"SAMMY! PLEASE!"
Dean's stentorian voice sounded in Sam's ear. Hysteria filled Sam and all caution threw itself aside. He sprinted towards his brother's voice: a voice filed with longing, pleading, and alarm. It echoed in his head even though Dean had yet to make an additional sound. His legs pumped in a mad dash down the littered hallway.
"SAMMY..NO… PLEASE..!!!!!!!!!!" echoed again. Sam slid to a halt at the padded room's locked door. Through the door's small window, Sam could see his brother's huddled, quaking form upon the cushioned floor. Dean wrenched and vellicated in spasmodic jerks, a mere six feet from Sam. The 45 dropped from Sam's hand in utter disbelief. Seeing Dean writhe in agony, Sam fumbled with his lock picks in the corroded door lock.
"Sammy.. don't go…Sammy, I need you."
Dean remained unmoving on the pavement as Sammy stepped over him and walked away. "Sammy, don't go. Please." Sam words had cut him deeper than any injury he had ever experienced. All he wanted was his family, and it had been ripped apart for a second time. The bitterness inside him wanted to hurt Sam the way he had just hurt him. He wanted so much to tell Sammy he hated him too, but he couldn't. The love he had for his brother was stronger than any resentment he could ever feel. He dusted himself off and watched Sammy walk away from him. A part of Dean's heart and soul died all over again. "Please…Sammy…. Don't…
The Sandman's omnipresence voice chimed in. "You can't tell me that wasn't real!" The Sandman enjoyed the chaos he was inflicting upon Dean. "Sam told you how he felt, but you still refuse to believe. You're a pathetic unwanted loner, who pretends he doesn't need anybody. The truth is you need them when they don't need you. You leaving Sam was the best thing to happen to him. He's not coming to look for you. He is relieved you are gone."
The memory soon became twisted as a ghost shadow of Sam stood before Dean. "Sammy!" Dean reached out to the apparition in loving expectation. His eyes welled with sadness and compassion for Sam.
Sam swatted away the advance. "Why did you bring me back to this mess? Why? I was happy, Dean! Happy! This is all your fault. I should have told you to go to hell the minute you stepped back into my life. Now, I have nothing left of my life. Mom's gone, Dad's gone, Jess is gone! I have nothing."
"You have me! I'd die for you. I'm gonna die for you…. I'd give anything for you to have a normal life.. anyt…"
"It's all about you and how you feel. You're selfish. You let everyone around you die! I should have listened to my heart all along. All you ever did was bring me to darkness. You're the real evil here! You!" Pivoting Sam turned away from Dean and began to walk away.
"Sammy." Dean sprinted after him and blocked his path again.
"No Dean! I'm serious. I can't wait to be away from you. I can't stand you and your orders. Your self centered longing to keep everything the way you want it. No Dean!" Sam pushed Dean to the ground again with harsh effort. "I hated you then, and I hate you now." Sam walked over him once again, but Dean scrambled to his feet in determination to convince this Sam to stay.
"Sammy," Dean's voice filled with longing and kindness.
"I hate you, Dean!" Sam screamed as he knocked Dean back to the ground. "I want you out of my life once and for all!" Sam's large hands wrapped around Dean's neck.
Dean gasped and shook. His lungs screamed for air as he pawed at his brother's arms in desperation. He mouthed, "Sammy…please" as the ghost Sam pressed his hands harder and tighter around Dean's neck.
Observing Dean's breaths coming harder and the shaking becoming worse, Sam abandoned the idea of picking the rusty lock. Instead, he picked up his 45 and a shot rang out. The door lock melted with the impact and the door swung open.
Wheezing in shock from the sound of the gun shot, Dean returned from his hallucination, unbeknownst to him. The image of Sam standing over him with a gun drawn conflicted him with terror and longing. Harsh breaths sucked in his lungs.
It was then that Sam realized the stress on Dean was overwhelming. In his vision, the sight of Sam with the gun had ended in Dean's body succumbing to the wear and stress. He had never had a vision that was not connected to the yellow eyed demon before. This vision was different. Maybe, it was different because he was connected to Dean more than any other thing in the universe. The vision had scared him at first, but now he understood. Tossing the gun aside this time, he splayed his hands wide and walked slowly toward his brother's shaking form.
Falling to his knees, Sam watched Dean's undulating, sobbing, whimpering, wasting form. Dean's face was gaunt, haggard, ashen, and tear-reddened. Regret, pain, and loneliness mixed in Dean's eyes. A torrent of tears fell and streaked upon the tears that had already been shed. In truth, Sam had never seen him cry like this.
The sight of Sam's face set off more terrible tremors to Dean's core. His mind felt confused and heavy. All the emotion he felt for his brother mingled with fear. He wanted Sam to love him and to forgive him. "Sam, I'm sorry...please, don't go... please...please," Dean whispered weakly. Dean's sanity and internal functions were gasping for the release of death.
Reaching into his pocket, Sam began searching for something. He stopped when Dean's fear intensified.
Dean's eyes flashed in horror and he lamented between uncontrollable sobs "Sammy no, please...please forgive me... I'm sorry. Don't...don't kill me... please...please don't. Do you hate me that much!!!!??...Sammmyyy...I…..why...I love you Sammy... please...WHY, SAMMY?"
Dean recoiled in terror. He pushed his frame to the cushioned wall until there was no other place to maneuver.
Sam inched closer, locking his eyes to Dean's tearful eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't let you go on like this. Please, let me help you. I going to help you… let me…Just breathe. Please." Sam begged.
"Sammy… I'm sorry… I should never…" Dean's broken voice rasped harder. "I'm.."
"Shhhh…its okay… Whatever it is, I forgive you." Sam sneaked closer. He was close enough to touch Dean, but he didn't rush his advance. " Just calm down…okay….I forgive you… "
Dean looked up at him with sorrow that was tinged by a glimmer of hope. "Then, please...don't…..don't go."
Dean reached out for his brother's arm, the third attempt to Dean's mind. Sam didn't recoil from Dean's touch. A loud sob tore from Dean's soul.
Sam tapped Dean's injured shoulder softly, attempting to comfort Dean without inflicting any pain. Dean gasped at the measure of comfort. It was more shocking in this moment than any of the hallucinations had been. He found himself lost and he threw his arms around Sam. Dean's grip was weak, but he clung to Sam in disconsolateness. Sam's heart broke and tears fell from his own eyes. Sam's arms wrapped around Dean in soothing and affectionate consolation. Dean's sob and broken speech still continued.
"Sam.. I'm….." His breaths were shallow pants and the sobs took words from him repeatedly. "I'm…please…don't leave!!?" Dean begged in great effort. His pale face's only color was provided by the salt stains from his tears. He leaned heavily on Sam and sobbed. He was unable to hold back the chaos of emotions.
Sam's voice was comforting, "Shhh…its okay, Dean. I'm here and I not going to leave you."
Dean wasn't sure if Sam was real or imaginary, but he didn't care for the moment. He had so many things he wanted to say swirling in his head, but all of them seem insignificant now. He doubted if he was physically or mentally capable of forming thoughts into words. He refused to let go of this Sam- visionary or reality based- even if it meant another round of torture. All he could muster was breathy pleas and sobs. "Sam...I'm sorry...please...please stay...don't..." Dean's gasps became raspier and the intervals between breaths became longer.
Welling with their own water, Sam's eyes reflected Dean's anguish with every uttered plea. "Dean, It's okay...shh...please, just breathe. Okay." Sam voice was coaxing and melodious. "Just...shh... breathe...calm down..shh...shh
Dean tried to obey Sam, but his body quivered in Sam's arms. "Sammy..." Dean groaned and muttered in a whisper.
"Shhh..no...just breathe with me..." Sam held Dean tightly. Seeing Dean this way was crushing. Dean needed him. "Shh….I got you……I got ya." Readjusting his hand to the back of Dean's head, he pressed Dean's face to rest on his shoulder. Sam found he was rocking his brother like a newborn baby. Sam released one arm from the embrace and poked his free hand in his jacket. He pulled out a syringe and popped the top off with his thumb. Careful to keep the needle from Dean's view, Sam jabbed it into Dean's upper arm. Feeling the prickle, Dean let out a weak moan. "Easy...easy...there we go...just let go..you need sleep…..just go to sleep, Dean...shh."
Dean's eyes became heavier and his head reeled. Sam could feel Dean's head jiggle under his comforting and restraining hand. Dean's hand struggled to grip Sam back. "Shhh...Just relax...You're going to be okay..I promise...just sleep...and.." Sam found himself becoming choked up. "Shh...Its okay," Sam's lips shuddered. Dean's arms became limp. Soon his arms slid down Sam's back to the floor. Concern over the change in his condition, Dean groaned. "Shh..." Sam repeated as he began to softly lower Dean upon the padded floor.
Dean gave his brother a look of questioning worry when his body became even more sluggish. "Shhh... it's okay...it's just a sedative...just relax."
The quivers and sobbing had lessened as a sleepy thickness spread over Dean. He blinked as if time passed in slow motion. His rasps became heavy labored breathing. Glancing at Sam one last time, he slipped into deep slumber.
Scooting next to Dean, Sam sighed heavily and his own tears fell. He leaned his head against the padded wall and all the anxiety, fear, pain, and sorrow welled, coming out in a weep. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the zombie like nature his brother's face had become.
