Sorry for the long update.It would have been up sooner,but the modem on my computer blew up and I was without internet for week and half.Anyway,two more things before the next chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

And last,but not least,a thanks to all my reviewers:EmeraldFire512,lily-potterKOOL,PrettyFanGirl,and lady clark of books.

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Gilderoy Lockhart

The next day,however,Harry barely grinned once.Things started to go downhill from breakfast in the Great Hall.

"Really?" Sirius asked. "Usually we don't have any trouble until about lunch.About that time we usually have detention from McGonagall,but never during breakfast."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Lily asked shaking her head,but if you looked close you could see a small smile on her face.

The four long house tables were laden with tureens of porridge,plates of kippers,mountains of toast and dishes of eggs and bacon,beneath the enchanted ceiling (today,a dull,cloudy gray).Harry and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione,who had her copy of Voyages with Vampires propped open against a milk jug.There was a slight stiffness in the way she said ''Morning'' which told Harry that she was still disapproving of the way they had arrived.

"Loosen up,woman!" Sirius cried exasperatedly. "Your friends with a marauder for crying out loud!"

"Sirius I already told you,you aren't corrupting my son." Lily told him treatingly.

Sirius opened his mouth to retort,but James stopped him, ''Sirius don't.If you want to get through this chapter,don't say it."

Neville Longbottom,on the other hand,greeted them cheerfully.Neville was a round-faced and accident-prone boy with the worst memory of anyone Harry had ever met.

"Thats weird," James interupted, "That doesn't sound like Frank at all.Well,except for the bad memory hes always forgetting things.But other than that he doesn't sound anything like Frank."

"Well,we never said it was Frank's son." Remus reasoned, "just said it might be.Besides he could still be related to Frank,even if hes not Franks son."

"Post's due any minute - I think Gran's sending on a few things I forgot."

"Now that sounds like Frank." Sirius said nodding his head.

Harry had only just started his porridge when,sure enough,there was a rushing sound overhead and a hundred or so owls streamed in,circling the Hall and dropping letters and packages into the chattering crowd.A big lumpy parcel bounced of Neville's head,and a second later,something large and gray fell into Hermione's jug,spraying them all with milk and feathers. "Errol!" said Ron,pulling the bedraggled owl out by the feet.Errol slumped,unconcious,onto the table,his legs in the air a damp red envelope in his beak.

''Howler,worst thing in the world." Sirius said.

"Thats only because you've had so many of them." LIly pointed out.

''We don't get that many," James said with a wave of his hand.

"Remus?" Lily prompted.

"324." he answered instantly, "that I know of.I was in the Hospital Wing some mornings."

"You counted?" Sirius asked increduasly.

"Of course," Remus said smiling, "ever since second year me and a few other Gryffindor's have a bet going that you'll make 500 before you graduate."

"I can't beleive it." James said his eyes wide, "betrayed by our fellow Gryffindors.

"So its kinda like the bet we had going till this summer that prongs and lily would get together?" Sirius asked.

"You were betting on us?" James and Lily asked at the same time.

"Not just us," Remus answered, ''all of the Gryffindors,Hufflepuffs,Ravenclaws,and half of the Slytherins."

"Oh no -" Ron gasped. "Its alright,he's alive," said Hermione,prodding Errol gently with the tip of her finger. "It's not that - it's that." Ron was pointing at the read envelope.It looked quite ordinary to Harry,but Ron and Neville were both looking at it as though they expected it to explode. What's the matter?" said Harry. "She's - she's sent me a Howler," said Ron faintly. "You'd better open it,Ron," said Neville,in a timid whisper. "It'll be worse if you don't.My Gran sent me one once,and I ignored it and -" he gulped, ''It was horrible."

"I wonder what does happen if you ignore a Howler." Lily said.

"It starts smoking," James said.

"Then when it starts talking,the sound is magnified to ten times as loud as it would have been," Sirius added.

"And then when its done it explodes in your face," said James.

"And when it does that it'll usualy cinge your hair," Siruis concluded.

"How do you kn-" Lily started,but stopped "never mind,for a minute there I forgot who I was talking to."

Harry looked from their petrified faces to the red envelope. "What's a Howler?" he said.But Ron's whole attention was fixed on the letter,which had begun to smoke at the corners. "Open it," Neville urged. "It'll all be over in a few minutes..." Ron streched out a shaking hand,eased the envelope from Errol's beak and slit it open.Neville stuffed his finger in his ears.A split second later,Harry knew why.He thought for a moment it had exploded; a roar of sound filled the huge Hall,shaking dust from the ceiling.

"...STEALING THE CAR,I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU,

"Oh, I've heard that one before," Sirius cried, ''except for the stealing the car part."

"Same here." James added.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT TROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT HAD GONE..."

Mrs.Weasley's yells,a hundred time louder than usual,made the plates and spoons rattle on the table,and echoed deafeningly off the stone walls.People throughout the Hall were swiveling around to see who had received the Howler and Ron sank so low in his chair that only crimson forehead could be seen.

"...LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT,I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME,WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS,

"Heard that to,"Sirius and James said in unsion.

LIly and remus both rolled thier eyes.

"YOU AND HARRY COULD HAVE DIED..."

Harry had been wondering when his name was going to crop up.He tried very hard to look as though he couldn't hear the voice that was making his eardrums throb.

"Good luck," Remus muttered sarcasticly.

"...ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED,

"Heard it," the two mauraders said again.

YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK,IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."

"Hea-" They started again.

"We know," LIly said before they could finish, "it might be a good idea to point out things you haven't heard."

A ringing silence fell.The red envelope,which had dropped from Ron's hand,had burst into flames and curled into ashes.Harry and Ron sat stunned,as though a tidal wave had just passed over them.A few people laughed and gradually,a babble of talk broke out again.Hermione closed Voyages with Vampires and looked down at the top of Ron's head. "Well,I don't know what you expected,Ron,but you -" "Don't tell me I deserved it," snapped Ron.Harry pushed his porridge away.His insides were burning with quilt.Mr.Weasley was facing an inquiry at work.After all Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had done for him over the summer...

"Well,at least he realises what he did was wrong," Lily sighed, ''I suppose thats better than nothing.But it would have been better if he hadn't done anything wrong in the first place,but of course he had to take after his father."

James smiled. ''Potter blood will-out!'' He said.

"Oh,shut up," Lily said wacking him on the arm,but she had a smile on her face.

But he had no time to dwell on this;Professor McGonagall was moving along the Gryffindor table,handing out timetables.Harry took his,and saw that they had double Herbology with the Hufflespuffs first.Harry ,Ron and Hermione left the castle together,crossed the vegtable patch and made for the greenhouses,where the magical plants were kept.At least the Howler did one good thing: Hermione now seemed to think they had been punished enough and was perfectly friendly again.As they neared the greenhouses they saw the rest of the class standing outside,waiting for Professor Sprout.Harry,Ron and Hermione had only just joined them when she came striding into view across the lawn,accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Joy," Sirius said sarcasticly, ''They're day is just about to get worse."

Professor Sprout's arms were full of bandages,and with another teinge of guilt,Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance,several of its branches now in sling.

"See? You could have avoided that,if you hadn't flown the car,and just sent an owl to the school.But no,you just had to fly the car..." Lily muttered to no one in particular.

James watched,with a worried look on his face,wondering if she was still sane.

Professor Sprout was a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair; there was usually a large amount of earth on her clothes,and her fingernails would have made Aunt Petunia faint.

"Hmm," Sirius said, ''Now that gives me an idea." he pulled out a peice of parchment and started writing quickly.Lily leaned over and whispered in his ear,and smile strated to creep across his face. ''Thats good.I love that." He started write faster, ''You know James," he said without looking up from his parchment, "I wish you two had gotten together years ago,she has great ideas."

Gilderoy Lockhart,however,was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise,his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimmings. "Oh,hello there!" Lockhart called,beaming around at the assembled students. ''Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is.

"What a creep,how can any one be so self-centered?" Sirius said.

I just happened to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels..."

"Greenhouse Three today chaps!" said Professor Sprout,who was looking distinctly disgruntled,not at all her usual cheerful self.

"Gee,I wonder why?" Remus muttered sarcasticly.

There was a murmur of interest.They had only ever worked in Greenhouse Onw before - Greenhouse Three housed far more interesting and dangerous plants.Professor Sprout took a large key from her belt and unlocked the door.Harry caught a whiff of damp earth and fertilizer,mingled with the heavy perfume of some giant,Umbrella-sized flowers dangling from the ceiling.He was about to follow Ron and Hermione when Lockhart's hand shot out. "Harry! I've been wanting a word

"Lockhart if you don't get away from mys on right now,I'll come back from the grave and haunt you the rest of your life." James said in a deadly calm voice.

- you don't mind if he's a couple of mintues late,do you,Professor Sprout?" Judging by Professor Sprout's scowl,she did mind,bu t Lockhart said, ''Thars the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face. "Harry," said Lockahrt,his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head. ''Harry,Harry,Harry." Completley nonpulssed,Harry said nothing. "When I heard - well,of course,it was all my have kicked myself."

"What the heck is that moron talking about?" asked Remus.

"I don't know,but I wish he'd kicked himself anyway," James answered.

Harry had no idea what he was talking about.He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, ''Don't kno when I've been more shocked.Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well,of course,I knew at once why you'd done it.Stood out a mile.Harry,Harry,Harry." It was amazing how he could show every one of those brilliant white teeth when he wasn't talking.

"Wonder how many he could show,if I put a permenant sticking charm on his mouth," Sirius muttered to himself.

"Gave you taste for publicity,didn't I?" said Lockhart. "Gave you the bug.You got onto the from the page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again."

"Why he's such a - " Lily started to say.

"Lily langauge." James said smiling.

"Oh - no,Professor ,see -"

''Harry,Harry,Harry," said Lockhart,reaching out and grasping his shoulder. "I understand.Natural to want a bit more once you've had the first taste

"What a - "

"James,langauge." Lily said teasingly.

James stopped and looked surprised for a moment before smiling and kissing her on the cheek.

- and I blame myself for giving you that,

"You know what,you're right, "Sirius said, "it's all your fault.Every bit of it.You should go straight to Dumbledore and resign."

because it was bound to go to your head -

but see here,young,man,you can't start flying cars to try and get yourself noticed.Just calm down,all right? Plenty of time for all that when you're older.Yes,yes,I know what you're thinking!

"So do I," Sirius said, ''he's thinking 'Why me? Why did I have to get such a self-centered,popous,idiotic teacher?' "

'It's all right for him,he's an internationally famous wizard already!' But when I was twelve,I was as a nobody as you are now.In fact,I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean,a few people have heard of you,haven't they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!'' He glanced at the lightening scar on Harry's forehead. "I know,it's not quite as good as winning Which Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award five times in a row,as I have - but it's a start,Harry,it's a start."

"Why what a - he's such a - how can anyone be such a-" Lily spluttered.

"Jerk? Idiot? Creep? Moron? Stop me when I get it right." said James.

"You already got it right.He's all those things and then some," she answered.

He gave Harry a wink and strode off.Harry stood stunned for a few seconds,then remembering he was supposed to be in the greenhouse,he opened the door and slide inside.Professor Sprout was standing behind a trestle bench in the center of the greenhouse.About twenty pairs of different-colored earmuffs were lying on the bench.When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione,she said, ''We'll be repotting Mandrakes today.

Remus grimanced. "I hated doing those,I had my earmuffs on but because of my hearing it still knocked me out.I was out for most of the day."

Now,who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?" To nobody's surprise,Hermione's hand was first into the hand was first intot the air. "Mandrake or Mandragora,is a powerful restorative," said Hermione,sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook.

"Like Moony!" Sirius exclaimed.

Remus rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

''It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their orginal state."

"Excellent.Ten points to Gryffindor," said Professor Sprout. "The Mandrake forms an essential part of most antidotes.It is also,however,dangerous.Who can tell me why?" Hermione's hand narrowly missed Harry's glasses as it shot up again. "The cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it," she said promptly. "Precisely.Take another ten points," said Professor Sprout. ''Now,the Mandrakes we have here are still very young." She pointed to a row of deep trays as she spoke and everyone shuffled forward for a better look.A hundred or so tufty little plants,purplish green color,were grwoing in rows.They looked quite unremarkable to Harry,who didn't have the slightest idea what Hermione meant by the 'cry' of the Mandrake. "Everyone take a pair of earmuffs," said Professor Sprout.There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn't pink and fluffy. ''When I tell to put them on,make sure your ears are completely covered," said Professor Sprout.

"Remember that Hufflepuff,that didn't put his on right?" Lily asked.

"Actually,it wasn't because he didn't get his earmuffs on right." Sirius said smirking.

"What do you mean?" she asked curiously.

"Well,he was making fun of Pete eailer for messing up in potions," Remus explained.

"So we planed a little...payback" James said smirking.

"What did you...No never mind!I don't want to know!" Lily said holding up her hands.

''When it is safe to remove them,I will give you the thumbs-up.Right - earmuffs on." Harry snapped the earmuffs over his ears.They shut out sound completely.Professir Sprout put a pink fluffy pair over her own ears,rolled up the sleeves of her robes,grasped one of the tufty plants firmly,and pulled hard.Harry let out a gasp of surpise that no one could hear.Instead of roots,a small,muddy and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth.The leaves were growing right out of the top of his head.He had pale green,mottled skin,and was clearly bawling at the top of his legs.Professor Sprout took a large plant pot from under the table and plunged the Mandrake into it,burying him in the dark,damp compost until only the tufted leaves were visible.Professor Sprout off her her hands,gave them all the thumbs-up and removed her own earmuffs. "As our Mandrakes are only seedlings,their cries won't kill yet," she said calmly,as though she'd done nothing more than water a begonia. "However,they will knock you out for several hours,and as I'm sure none of you want to miss your first day back,

"Depends," Sirius said, "if they have to deal with Snape today,then they would probably want to miss it."

"Sirius..." Lily said threatingly.

"What? You were insulting him ealier." Sirius protested.

"Because he was trying to expel my son!" She explained. "He hasn't done anything yet,so leave him alone."

"Yet," Sirus muttered.

"What'd you say Sirius?" Lily asked.

"Nothing," he answered quickly, ''Nothing at all."

He quickly threw a glare towards James and Remus who shaking in silent laughter.

make sure your earmuffs are securely in place while you work.I will attract your attention when it is time to pack up. "Four to a tray - there is a large supply of pots here - compost in the sacks over there - and be careful of the Venomous Tentacular,it's teething." She gave a sharp slap to a spiky,dark red plant as she spoke,making it draw in the long feelers that had been inching sneakily over her shoulder.Harry Ron and Hermione were joined at their tray by a curly-haired Hufflepuff boy Harry knew by sight,but had never spoken to. "Justin Flinch-Fletchley," he said brightly,shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are of course,the famous Harry Potter...

James and Lily smiled proudly.

and your Hermione Granger - always top in everything top in everything..." (Hermione beamed as she had her hand shaken,too) ''and Ron Weasley.Wasn't that your flying car?" Ron didn't smile.The Howler was still on his mind.

"The first one is always the worst," Sirius said. ''But once you've gotten at least ten,they don't bother you anymore."

Lily opened her mouth to argue,but instead shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"That Lockhart's something,isn't he?"

"He's something alright," James said, ''We're just not sure what yet."

said Justin happily,as they began filling their plant pots with dragon-dung compost. ''Awfully brave chap.Have you read his books? I'd have died of fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone box by a werewolf,

Remus muttered something the others couldn't hear.

Don't worry about it Rem. it's probably all lies anyway," James said.

Yeah,you're right," he agreed.

but he stayed cool and - zap - just fantastic.My name was down for Eton,you know,I can't tell you how glad I am I came here instead.Of course,my mother was slightly dissappointed,but she's begun to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family..." After that they didn't have much chance to talk.Their earmuffs were back on and they needed to concentrate on the Mandrakes.Professor Sprout had made it look extremely easy,but it wasn't.The Mandrakes didn't like coming out of the earth,but they didn't seem to want to go back in either.They squirmed,kicked,flailed their sharp little fists and gnashed their teeth; Harry spent ten whole minutes trying to squash a particularly fat one into a pot.By the end of class,Harry,like everyone else,was sweaty,aching and covered in earth.

"I hated doing Mandrakes," Sirius commented,wrinkling his nose.

They traipsed back to the castle for a quick wash and then the Gryffindors hurried off to Transfiguration.Professor McGonagall's classes were always hard work,but today was especially difficult.Everything Harry had learned last year seemed to have leaked out of his head during the summer.

"That's what Padfoot tell McGonagall eveytime she asks him to remember something she tought last year." Remus said smirking.

"She hates it when I say it too," Sirius said smirking as well.

He was supposed to be turning a beetle into a button,but all he managed to do was give the beetle a lot of exercise as it scuttled over the desk top avoiding his wand.Ron was having worse problems.He had patched up his wand with some borrowed Spellotape,but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair.It kept crackling and sparking at odd moments,and every time Ron tried to transfigure his beetle it engulfed him in a thick gray smoke which smelled of rotten eggs.

"Ewwww," everyone said.

Unable to se what he was doing,Ron accidentally sqaushed his beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one.Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased.

"Never a good sight," Sirius commented.

Harry was relieved to hear the lunch bell.His brain felt like a wrung spounge.Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron,who was whacking his wand furiously on the desk. ''Stupid...useless...thing..."

"Write home for another one," Harry suggested,as the wand let of a volley of bangs like a firecracker. "Oh yeah,and get another Howler back," said Ron now stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag. ''It's your own fault your wand got snapped -"

"He has a point,but he should still ask for a new one," Remus said.

They went down to lunch,where Ron's mood was not improved by Hermione showing them the handful of perfect coat buttons she had produced in Transfiguration. "What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry,hastily changing the subject. "Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once. "Why?" demanded Ron,seizing her timetable, ''hvar you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?" Hermione snatched the timetable back,flushing furiously.They finished lunch and went outside into the overcast courtyard.Hermione sat down on a stone step and burried her nose in Voyages with Vampires again.

"She reads too much," Sirius said.

"Padfoot,compared to you,everyone reads too much," Remus said.

Sirius stuck out his tounge.

''Keep making that face,Padfoot and it'll be stuck that way," Remus said.Then he laughed when Sirius quickly pulled his tounge back in.

Harry and Ron stood talking about Quidditch for several minutes before Harry bacame aware that he was being closely watched.Looking up,he saw the very small mousy-haired boy he'd seen trying on the sorting hat last night,staring at Harry as though transfixed.He was clutching what looked like an ordinary Muggle camera,and the moment Harry looked at him,he went bright red. "All right,Harry?" I'm - I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly,taking a tentative step forward. ''I'm in Gryffindor,too.D'you think - would it be all right if - can I have a picture?" he said,raising the camera hopefully.

"Aww,thats kinda cute," Lily said, ''He looks up to Harry."

"A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.

"So I can prove I've met you," said Colin Creevey eagerly,edging further forwards. ''I know all about you.Everyone's told me.About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightning scar on your forehead" (his eyes raked Harry's hairline), ''and a boy in my dormitory said if I develope the film in the right potion,the pictures'll move." Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, "It's brilliant here,isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts.My dad's a milkman,he couldn't believe it either.So I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him.And it'd be really good if I had one of you - " he looked imploringly at Harry," - maybe your freind could take it and I could stand next to you? And then,could you sign it?"

"Signed photos?You're giving out signed photos,Potter?" Loud and scathing,Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard.

"Turn him into a ferret," Sirius said eyes narrowing. ''suppose it wouldn't do much good though,he probably looks too much like a ferret already."

He had stopped right behind Colin,flanked,as he always was at Hogwarts,by his large and thuggish cronies,Crabbe and Goyle. "Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. ''Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!'' "No,I'm not," said Harry angrily,his fists clenching. ''Shut up,Malfoy." "You're just jealous," piped Colin,

"Hah! Take that Malfoy!" James said smiling.

whose entire body was about as thick as Crabbe's neck. "Jealous?" said Malfoy,who didn't need to shout anymore;half the courtyard was listening in. "Of what? I don't want a foul right across my head,thanks.I don't think getting your head cut open mkaes you that special,myself." Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.

"Why you --- you," LIly was so angry she couldn't finsh her sentance.

"Foul,evil,loasome,little cockroach?" Sirius asked.(A/N third harry potter movie.It's my favorite line.)

''Exactly." Lily agreed nodding her head.

"Eat slugs,Malfoy," said Ron angrily.

"Go Ron!" Sirius cheered.

Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his conker-like knuckles in a menacing way. "Be careful,Weasley," sneered Malfoy. ''You don't want to start any trouble or your mummy'll have to some and take you away from school." He put on a shrill,piercing vocie. ''If you put another toe out of line -" A knot of Slytherin fifth-years nearby laughed loudly at this. "Weasley would like a signed photo,Potter," smirked Malfoy. ''It'd be worth more than his family's whole house."

"Ok,forget the ferret,turn him into a bug and then step on him," said Siruis.

Ron whipped out his Spellotaped wand,but Hermione shut Voyages with Vampires with a snap and whispered, ''Look out!" "What's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding towards them,

"Oh,no!" they all cried.

"Why did Dubledore have to hire this idiot?" Remus asked. ''Has he lost it?"

''Well,he did hire Snape didn't he?" Sirius said,then realising he said this in fornt of Lily he glanced over at her.Lucky for him,She was too angry at Malfoy to yell at him.

his turquoise robes swirling nehind him. ''Who's giving out signed photos?" Harry started to speak but he was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders and thundered jovially, ''Shouldn't have asked! We meet again,Harry!''

"What a idiotic,moronic,self-centered,egotistcal,big-headed,creep!" Lily yelled.

James looked at her as though considering whether or not to take her to Madam Pomfery.

Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation,Harry saw Malfoy slide smirking back into the crowd. "Come on then,Mr.Creevey," said Lockhart beaming at Colin. "A double portrait,can't say fairer than that,and we'll both sign it for you." Colin fumbled for his camera and took the picture as the bell rang behind them,signaling the start of afternoon classes. "off you go,move along there," Lockhart called to the crowd,and he set off back to ths castle with Harry,who was wishing he knew a good vanishing spell,still clasped to his side. "A word to the wise,Harry," said Lockhart paternally as they entered the building through a side door. "I covered up for you back there with young Creevey

"Oh yeah right," Sirius said rolling his eyes. ''Thanks so much,for the help," he added his voice dripping with sarcasim.

- if he was photographing me,too,your schoolfellows won't think you're setting yourself up so much..." Deaf to Harry's stammers,Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with staring students and up a staircase. ''Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your carrer isn't sensible - looks a tad bigheaded,Harry,to frank.

"Look who's talking!'' Remus cried.

There may well come a time when,like me,you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go,but -" he gave a little chortle, ''I don't think you're quite there yet." They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he let Harry go at last.Harry yanked his robes straight and headed for a seat at the very back of the class,where he busied himelf piling all seven of Lockhart's books in front of him,so he could avoid looking at the same thing.

"Smart",James agreed.

The rest of the class came in adn Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry. "You could've fried an egg on your face," said Ron. "You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny,they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."

"Shut up," snapped Harry.The last thing he needed was for Lockhart to hear the phrase 'Harry Potter fan club.' When the whole class was seated,Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and scilence fell.He reached forward,picked up Neville Longbotom's copy of Travels with Trolls and held it up to show his own.winking portrait on the front. ''Me," he said pointing at it

"Congradulations,Lockhart!" Sirius said, "probably the only thing you'll ever get right."

and winking as well,Gilderoy Lockhart,Order of Merlin,Third Class,Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense leauge and five times winner of Which Weekley's Most-Charming Smile Award - but I don't talk about that.I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"

"Probably didn't get rid of her at all,"Remus muttered.

He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly. "I see you've all bought a complete set of my books - well done.I thought we'd start today with a little quiz.Nothing to worry about - just to check how well you've read them,how much you've taken in..."

When he handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, ''You have thirty minutes.Start - now!'' Harry looked down at his paper and read:

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

"Don't care," Sirius answered.

2.What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

"If you say,then it won't be a secret." Sirius answered again.

3.What,in your opinion,is Gilderoy Lockharts's greatest achievement to date?

"Being the biggest git of all time," said Sirius.

On and on it went,over three sides of paper,right down to:

54.When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday,and what would his ideal gift be?

"April Fools Day.Because he's nothing but a big joke.And his ideal gift,would be a good hit upside the head.Because if he was lucky it'd knock some sense into his head.And he could sure use some.'' Sirius said.

Half an hour later,Lockhart collected in the papers and rifled through them in front of the class. "Tut,tut - hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac.I say so in Year with a Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully - I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples - though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey!'' He gave them another roguish wink.Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face;

Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas,who were sitting in front,were shaking with silent laughter.

"See," Sirius interupted, ''Even they agree that he's a big joke.

Hermione,on the other hand,was listening to Lockhart with rapt attention,and gave a start when he mentioned her name. ''...but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world if evil and market my own range of hair-care potions - good girl! In fact -" he slipped her paper over, ''full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?" Hermione raised a trembling hand.

"Excellent!'' beamed Lockhart. ''Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so,to bussiness..."

"You mean he actully planned a lesson?" Remus asked with a shcocked expression.

"Doubt it," Sirius said, ''it's probably how to manage those bad hair days.Very dangerious you know."

He bent down behind his desk snd lifted a large,covered cage onto it. ''Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard kind! You may be facing your worst fears in this room.Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here.All I ask is that you ramain calm." In spite of himself,Harry leaned around his pile of books for a better look at his cage.Lockhart placed a hand on the cover.Dean and Seamus had stopped laughing now.Neville was cowering in his front-row seat. "I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. ''It might provoke them." As the class held their breath,Lockhart whipped off the cover. ''Yes," he said dramatically. ''Freshly caught Cornish pixies."

They all stared at the book,blinked,and then burst out laughing.

"He-he-he," Sirius couldn't talk for laughing, ''He's got to be kidding!"

''Some how,being thats it's Lockhart,I doubt that," James said trying stop laughing.

''Well,actully when you think of who it is,Pixies are probably really dangerous for him," Remus added.

Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself.He let out a snort of laughter which even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror. "Yes?" he smiled at Seamus. "Well,they're not,they're not very - dangerous are they?" Seamus chocked. "Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart,waggling a finger annoyingly at Seamus. "devilish tricky little blighters they can be!" The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high,with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing.The moment the cover had been removed,they had started jabbering and rocketing around,rattling the bars and pulling bizarre at the people nearest them. ''Right then," said Lockhart loudly. ''Let's see what you make of them!'' And he opened the cage.

"He what?" Lily asked rasing her eyebrows.

"What an idiot,thats really going to help them learn how to handle pixies." Remus said.

" Well,look who's teaching them," Sirius pointed out.

''True."

It was pandemonium.Two of them seized Nevillve by the ears and lifted him into the air.Several shot straight through the window,showering the back row with broken glass.The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effincitvely than a rampaging rhino.The grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them,shredded books and papers,tore pictures from the walls,upended the waste bin,grabbed bags and books and threw them out the smashed window; within minutes,half the class were sheltering under desks and Neville was swinging from the candelabra in the ceiling. "Come on now,round them up,they're only pixies..." Lockhart shouted.He rolled up his sleeves,brandished his wand and bellowed, ''Peskipiksi Persternomi!''

"What the heck is that supposed to be?" James looked at the book in shock. "It's obbviously not a spell you moron."

He groaned and put his head in his hands. "An the student's future depends on this idiot."

"That'll give you nightmares,won't it?" Sirius said.

It had absoluley no effect; one of the pixies seized Lockhart's wand and threw it out the window,too.

"They're probably in less danger,now that he doesn't have a wand," Sirius said.

Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk,

"Oh how patectic!" Lily creid "he's suposed to be the teacher for crying out loud!"

narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville,who fell a second later as the candelabra gave away.The bell rang and there was a mad rush towards the exit.In the relative calm that followed,Lockhart straightened up,caught sight of Harry,Ron and Hermione,who were alomost to the door,and said, ''Well,I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into thier cage." He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.

"What a ---" Sirius started to say.

"Sirius langauge," James joked.

Sirius growled.

''Down boy," James said smiling.

Sirius stopped growling and blinked at James in surprise.

Remus was shaking in silent laughter.

''Can you beleive him?" roared Ron,as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear. "He just wants to give us hands-on experience," said Hermione,immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.

"Hands on experience? Yeah,right." Sirius said rolling his eyes.

"Hands-on?" said Harry,who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tounge out. ''Hermione,he didn't have a clue what he was doing."

"Rubbish," said Hermione. ''You've read his books - look at all tjose amazing things he's done..."

"He says he's done," Ron muttered.

"Well said Ron," Sirius agreed. ''Whos reading next?" he asked holding up the book.

"I'll read it," Remus said.

Sirius tossed him the book.

''Chapter seven..."

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Okay,one more chapter done.Yeah! I'll try and get the next chapter up soon.

One more thing,Reveiw!