Chapter 6: I gotta know

Authors note: Well I figured I would get started on this. Hopefully there aren't too many problems with grammar. I don't have time to reread all of the chapters I usually skim since I have so much to do these days plus think things up for this! And the last "authors note" was kind of a… giving how things might be. But she is going to Kagome's time! And I do not think I will have Kohaku and Rin together… well maybe you never know how the mood may strike with this story. But thank you once again Arizonabay I can always depend on you to review! What a fantabulous reader I have! And for those who happen to read this far I recommend you check out her story! Hopefully she will get a new chapter up soon! I want to keep up with her; she's got some great ideas too!

Sesshomaru, Ah-un, and Jaken trailed up a grassy hill finally close to his homelands. It had been nearly a week worth of traveling and so much was running through the great lord's mind. Yet he was surprised that the most frequent thought was of a girl. A human girl! He wondered what her choice would be? Would it be an adventurous husband and family less with him choice? Or would she choose to explore what it felt like to live with a human man, to be married to one of her own, and to have human babies. The thought of it made his jaw line tense as he gritted his teeth. He wanted her there with him but didn't want to let him disgrace himself with a foolish idea. But life without her was just so boring; it was meaningless, and colorless. He let out a sigh as he looked forward wanting to run back.

"Lord Sesshomaru," Jaken said not easily fooled as much as Sesshomaru and Rin believed different.

"What is it Jaken," Sesshomaru said in his usual tone. Jaken never took it to offense, he understood who is lord was.

"Everybody looks for love, some wait their whole life and it never comes around," Jaken said using his staff to keep him balanced.

"What are you mumbling about?" Sesshomaru said looking down at Jaken curious but outraged.

"What I am saying is don't hold back anymore Lord Sesshomaru, just let go of all you've ever known," Jaken said as Sesshomaru looked shocked at Jaken's words.

"I'll deal with you later Jaken. There is youkai near by," Sesshomaru said making Jaken whimper before Sesshomaru worriedly yet calmly walked in the direction of the youkai scent.

--

Rin gazed at the stars as she played with a dead dandelion. She let out a deep sigh before placing the dandelion on her ear. She crossed her arms underneath her womanly chest. She was spooked by the wrestling of leaves and brush, she sat up propping herself on her arms. A boy walked out and she knew it was Kohaku.

"I could have been a youkai," Kohaku said smiling as he stood above the brown-eyed growing young woman, "you'd be dead if it were a youkai."

"Then you underestimate me Kohaku brother of Sango," Rin said remembering when he had taken her… when he was under the influence of Naraku, "I am not as helpless as I was when I first met you."

"About that I am sorry," Kohaku said with an apologetic look on his face. She sighed before giving him a half smile.

"Your forgiven for the mistakes of our past," Rin said looking up with childlike eyes. He rocked back and forth on his feet before she rolled her eyes, "you can sit if you like."

"How kind of you to offer," he said sitting down in the crisp grass, "so what are you doing out here?"

"Asking the stars for guidance as to what I am suppose to do," Rin said smiling at him with a warmhearted smiling. She finally felt like she didn't have to please anyone. She didin't have anyone to impress.

"Don't… you ever worry the stars might lie to you?" Kohaku asked as he looked up at the twinkling skies, "they sit so far away twinkling as if they are better then the next. Like life, humans, youkai, and hanyou's. Rin looked at him with shock as she swallowed.

"Why would you doubt the stars?" Rin asked curious as she hugged her knees.

"It was the stars that lied to me. For years I asked for the stars to break me from Naraku's curse, and they blinked in a different direction leaving me alone," he said going silent leaving Rin speechless, "I know I've already apologized to you Rin… and I know Sesshomaru still has a grudge against me for that I did. But I am truly sorry, if I had control I would have never done that."

"I know Kohaku," Rin said looking at the young man in front of her staring at the stars with eyes that told a tale long and sad.

"So forgive me if I no longer believe in the stars," he said looking away, "I've lost faith in them."

"Kohaku…" she said her eyes wide as she looked at the boy who had grown up so much.

"Which is why I have talked to my sister about going to stay in Kagome's time for awhile. They have not fully put the Shikon no Tama back together. I am going to attend what Kagome calls school there. Then we are going to travel to other countries. Miroku suggested that you go too, just until Sesshomaru comes back… to see whether with him is where you truly want to be. Leave behind this sad place," Kohaku said looking down. Rin wanted to protest in anger but the boy seemed so lost. Rin was a curious child and the more she thought about the more interesting it sounded. She confessed her love to Sesshomaru and he rejected her. What was left there for her? He clearly didn't care whether or not she was around.

"I will go…" Rin said in surprise that she had agreed to it, "… but only until Sesshomaru comes back."

"We leave tomorrow," Kohaku said still empty. Rin looked at the boy as he laid back into the grass.

"Right," Rin said looking down at the boy whose hands was underneath his head as he gazed at the treetops.

"I never thought that the feel of grass could be such bliss," Kohaku said before his eyes wondered over to Rin who sat looking at the cloudless sky, 'perhaps… it's the company,' he said as Rin looked over at him and smiled.

"What about nature isn't bliss?" she asked as her mind drifted to Sesshomaru and how amazing his smile was… the few times she got one out of him.

"I don't know," he said smiling at her, "nothing."

"Hm," she murmured her agreement while smiling before laying back. He looked up at the sky, as they lay there quiet for a while.

--

"Sooryuha!" Sesshomaru yelled sending his attack towards the lowly youkai as they vanished with a cry. Jaken jumped up and down with happiness. Sesshomaru walked past the battlefield as he furthered over the hill to his castle. Jaken rode Ah-un to keep up with Sesshomaru as they took over the lands that rightfully belonged to Sesshomaru. Jaken waited for a beating for the past two days after his comment.

"When are we going back for Rin?" Jaken asked missing his child, "I miss her."

'So do I,' Sesshomaru thought before trying to push his thoughts aside, "when our jobs is done. Let her have her space."

"Yes Lord Sesshomaru," Jaken said with a sadness Sesshomaru had never heard from his servant.

"You love that girl don't you?" Sesshomaru asked not looking back at Jaken.

"Whole heartedly," Jaken said getting up the courage, "and don't you?"

"How can you love a human? It is despicable Jaken. Youkai's are to good to love humans," Sesshomaru said making up every excuse.

"I guess that makes me weak," Jaken said catching Sesshomaru off guard, "but I am still a youkai by right. And because I love her I will not deny it, because I love her… I am stronger."

"Uh," Sesshomaru said stopping making Ah-un automatically stop nearly throwing Jaken off. Sesshomaru stood there a moment before walking forward not speaking for the rest of the day. 'How can he love her and not even attempt to deny it. I gotta know! Rin… told me she loved me. Me… a youkai. She still believes that we are the same. But she will grow out of this. I gotta know… how it feels to be able to admit love for a human out loud. Do… do I love her? No… I barely know who she is now. She is so stubborn and unruly now, yet she is still the same sweet girl who wants to help everyone before herself.'

"We are here my lord," Jaken said as they reached the castle. It was large and looked over all of his land. Sesshomaru walked in casually as his servant's gawked at their master being back.

"Where is Hachia?" Sesshomaru asked before one of his servants ran off to get Hachia. It was a moment before Hachia walked down wearing fancy clothing.

"Sesshomaru!" she said in shock, "I had not… been expecting you."

"Clearly," he said to the women he had been betrothed to. At one point he thought he might have had a chance at loving the youkai women, but he had found her sneaking around with a servant who swiftly met his doom. He wondered if Rin was that kind of girl, 'why does every thing turn my thoughts to her! Why cannot I not tear her from my memory!'

"Sesshomaru…" she said walking down the stairs before he interrupted. He looked passed the blonde beauties fake smile to see him.

"You have been released to your duties of taking control of my castle and people," Sesshomaru said still standing in the doorway.

"But…" she stopped when she that look in her eye that terrified her, "yes lord Sesshomaru."

"Good get my chambers ready. I've had a tiring journey, we will talk business and plans later," he said walking to the room where he kept his armor. He stripped his lightweight armor onto a rack before placing on his usual white outfit. When he made it to his room he closed the door and locked it. He walked to the balcony that looked over his land and let out a sigh, 'what will I do about a mate? I was promised to Hachia… unless I found someone else I found worthy. But I do not desire to find anyone… else. I don't want another pretty face, or just anyone to hold. If I do love I don't want it to go to waste. I want… her. She is something special; I want to be what she always needed. She is the only one who has seen the heart in me. She is the one I want to chase and hold… but she is a human. A human… how disgusting. She has a… soul, a beautiful soul that I am told I do not posses. I fear making her cry. How much longer can I go on like this… wondering? Am I crazy for wanting her? Desiring her? Craving her? I just want to know… if she truly feels it too. She has filthy blood… but it isn't blood that I am in love with,' Sesshomaru let out a heavy sigh before dropping his head so his long blonde hair fell in front of his face reminding him of the time she touched him pushing it out of his face so she could see him. 'I remember you,' she said. His name she let escape her lips. She hadn't forgotten him… she dreamt of him.

Sesshomaru walked from the balcony to where his large round bed sat next to the wall. He plopped onto it closing his eyes trying to push her image from his head. As he lay awake in his bed a voice inside his head softly says, 'why don't you go to her? Why don't you kiss her? Why don't you tell her… let her see the feelings you hide. She'll never know if you never show the way you feel inside Sesshomaru?' he squeezed his eyes tighter as he tried to make her image and that voice go away. But it just kept repeating it, 'I'm so afraid to make a move. Just a touch could lead me across the line. Because every time she is near I want to never let her go and confess to her what my heart feels, though I've willed it demanded it and begged it to stop. I wonder thought if I told her. What would she say? I wonder if she would just turn away? Or would she promise me she's here to stay. It hurts me to wait… but I cannot love a human I cannot. I cannot… I cannot… I cannot love her.'

--

"Are you ready Rin?" Kagome asked as she handed Rin a shard. Rin looked at the necklace that was made out of it. Kagome had put it all together except for six shards, which she made into necklaces so that Kirara, Sango, Kohaku, Inuyasha, Miroku, and Shippo could dip between eras. Rin had used Sango's necklace as the others were going to stay behind and look for clues as to who and what was threatening the world. Only Rin, Kohaku, and Kagome were going back into time.

"I… how will Sesshomaru know where I am at?" Rin asked worriedly as she gripped the necklace he had given her.

"Inuyasha will you find Sesshomaru's castle and tell him where she is going," Kagome said looking to Inuyasha who crossed his arms and rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Keh… whatever," Inuyasha said looking away. Miroku shook his head before looking at Kagome.

"We will find Sesshomaru for you," Miroku said climbing onto Kirara behind his wife Sango. Kagome, Rin, and Kohaku waved as the others flew off to find Sesshomaru. Rin closed her eyes as she jumped down the well. She landed with a thud as Kagome helped her up and moved out of the way for Kohaku. He caught himself and looked around in amazement. They walked out of the well into the modern era. Rin gasped placing her hand to her mouth in amazement. Kagome smiled before showing them to her house.

"Mama!" Kagome yelled as her younger brother sat playing video games with his cat sitting in his lap. Kagome's mom was in the room cooking when the three stepped into the heavily scented kitchen.

"Ah Kagome your home!" her mother said rushing to hug her daughter, "you were gone much longer then usual."

"I am sorry to have worried you mama," Kagome said as he mother let go of the death grip, "oh these are my friends Rin and Kohaku."

"Pleasure to meet you," Kagome's mother said shaking their hands. Rin blushed shyly as she shook Kagome's mothers hands, "how long do they plan to stay?"

"Kohaku plans on attending school here. He is from the feudal era they both are. I thought it would be nice to bring a little knowledge to that age," Kagome said smiling, "Rin will be attending for a little awhile probably a month."

"I will call your school and make some arrangements. Where should I say they came from? Korea? Thailand?" her mother said lifting the phone.

"Get creative," Kagome said smiling at her mother before walking passed her brother and scuffling his hair. Rin screamed and jumped behind Kohaku pointing at the TV.

"I thought there was no youkai here! Kagome!" Rin yelled catching the whole house off guard. They all laughed before returning to there former positions. Rin's face dropped before she let go of Kohaku's shoulders.

"Kagome you have a lot of explaining to do," Souta her brother said as he played his playstation. Kagome showed them to their rooms. Kohaku was going to share with Souta since they were about the same age. Rin would sleep in the same room as Kagome. They all unpacked as Kagome began to explain the two about the things in her time. She then gave them a small tour. She then took them shopping so they could look there part. There was so much there that Rin actually forgot her worries for a few lonely and exciting moments. When they went back Rin climbed into her sleeping bag and sighed.

"Rin? Kagome asked through the darkness.

"Yes Kagome," Rin said as a tear rolled down her cheek. Kagome swallowed a moment.

"Why do you still tag around with Sesshomaru?" Kagome asked as nicely as possible, "why since you know what a life without him is life… why when he is still so cold?"

"Because though others may see him as a sour green apple, I see him as a golden delicious… starts out bitter but grows to be sweet," Rin said smiling before letting out a sigh, "because those ten years I had forgotten who Sesshomaru was, but I saw him in my dreams."

"You love him don't you?" Kagome asked snuggling into her pillow, "like I love Inuyasha after twelve or fifteen years now."

"Whether or not Sesshomaru chooses to see it him and I are one. As we go through life there is so much we don't understand, and the only thing we know is things don't go as we plan. But everyday I have never turned away, even when he made my dreams come undone. I stood by his side full of hope and full of pride. Him and I are one," Rin said trying to convince her, "as a child I knew I'd be with him forever. I do love him, though I know not how it happened."

'Oh Rin… I do not believe he would ever except a human,' Kagome thought before swallowing, "perhaps you should you know. Not give your hopes… do not give up."

"What about you and Inuyasha?" Rin asked looking to her, "over ten years something must have happened."

"Yes… he blurted out I was going to have his child," she smiled before hearing Rin beg her to tell the story…

--Flashback--

"Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled as Kagome walked to the well leading back to her time, "KAGOME!"

"We aren't speaking!" Kagome yelled angrily as she turned to look at him, "I am tired of hearing you give me excuses of why you have to find Kikyo. If you want to be with her then be with her! But I gotta know why!"

"Kagome?" he asked as she stood in front of him with her hands on her hips, "keh!"

"Fine! I am going back and I never ever EVER want to see your face again Inuyasha!" Kagome yelled angrily.

"Fine!" Inuyasha yelled turning crossing his arms and turning. He peaked over his shoulder and watching Kagome climbing over, "HEY KAGOME!"

"Go away Inuyasha… you know what I don't feel like yet. I'm going to see Kouga," Kagome said walking past him casually with her nose in the air. Inuyasha had a dumb founded look on his face before clenching his fist and stomping on the ground.

"Kagome!" he yelled running to her as Miroku and Sango watched with eyes wide and Shippo munched on some chips Kagome had given him.

"Go away Inuyash," Kagome said standing with her arms crossed, "if you want to find Kikyo go ahead I am not stopping you."

"Yes you are!" Inuyasha yelled angrily, "Why are you leaving!"

"Because I am not needed here anymore Inuyasha! Naraku is gone! The shards have been found! You don't need me around anymore!" Kagome yelled with teary eyes, "I know you still love Kikyo your always thinking about her when I am around. I look like her and as long as I am around your being haunted."

"Kagome you're crying? Is that how you feel? That you haunt me?" Inuyasha broke out in a fit of laughter that made Miroku shake his head and Shippo pull at his hair, as Sango got teary eyed.

"It's not funny! SIT!" Kagome screeched running off as Inuyasha was pulled to the ground painfully. This time he would not let Kagome get away so he jumped up and raced after her. Kagome's hands covered her eyes as she thought about the one she loved loving his ex who looked like her.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled angrily. Kagome stopped, as Inuyasha got closer smelling her tears.

"Inuyasha leave me alone. I am going where "I" am loved, not my image," she said making him stop and get a look of confusion and then jealousy as she ran off in the direction of Kouga's clan.

"Damn it woman no! Your having MY pups not his!" he yelled before realizing what he said. Kagome stopped with a look on her face that clearly looked of shock. Miroku busted up laughing before Sango hit him in the head, which made him, stop laughing.

"He must have learned that from you," Sango said in a sour tone. Miroku just looked up at her with smile.

"I only love you dear," he said making Sango smile and Shippo roll his eyes.

"Why… did you say that?" Kagome asked turning to look at that. Inuyasha rolled his eyes before walking towards her.

"Just thinking of that dumb mutt putting his hands on you outrages me," he said with his arms crossed. Kagome looked up at him with a blank face. Inuyasha sighed before grabbing her arms and looking into her eyes, "I do not think of Kikyo when I look at or am around you. When I am around her I think of you… hell I think of you everywhere. It's rather annoying."

"Annoying!" but before Kagome could finish he rolled his eyes and pulled her into a kiss that spoke his words better then he ever could.

-End of flashback-

"Aww that is so sweet," Rin said with longing eyes. Kagome smiled and shook her head yes.

"We will be getting married soon. Once we defeat this son of Naraku then him and I will be married out here," Kagome said before thiking of Rin and Sesshomaru. Then she remembered something, "Rin? Do you remember anything Sesshomaru said to you the night he nearly killed you by accident?"

"All I remember was it was a tear from his eyes the revived my heart," Rin said looking through the dark and Kagome, "why?"

"Because Rin I must be honest," Kagome said thinking of Inuyasha, "Inuyasha would have never admitted his feelings for me with words I could here. I don't know if Sesshomaru will ever fully accept you BUT I think that you are in his heart. That night you laid there nearly dead in his arms he let a little of those feelings show. He said 'Please don't leave me now. Because I need you to be there with me when I find out what forever means. Please hang in there. Rin? Rin…. Rin! Oh please I'll do anything just do not die. Rin… I need you! I've never needed anyone, just please come back I just need to know you live. Please… you're my dandelion. It's not your season… be strong for me. Rin… don't go, it's too long of a trip to go alone Rin?' I do not know if he said it to bring you back to life. But for the first time that night I saw he had a heart, he had a soul… and you were apart of it.

--

"Sesshomaru?" Jaken asked as he watched his lord stab at his food but not take a bite, "lord Sesshomaru?"

"Hm?" he asked lifting his head and seeing Jaken smile.

"We are leaving to get her soon aren't we?" Jaken said knowing that his master did have feelings for that dark haired human. Sesshomaru swallowed a lump in his throat before nodding, "good because I miss her. It's been nearly three weeks since I last saw her eternally childlike eyes."

"I know," Sesshomaru said smiling as he stood up and walked out. For ten years he lived without her but not he couldn't even go three weeks what was wrong with him. He paced in his room frantically. He sat on his bed and placed his hands on his head so his hair could fall forward, "I've never been the kind to let my feelings show. Being strong means never losing my self-control. But I can't handle it anymore… to hell with my pride; tonight I will go and bring her back. I cannot have her but I will not be without her!"

Authors note: Well I hope you enjoyed it. Hmmm I wonder what will happen… yiksa! Thanks for reading!