Warning: SPOILERS/Lines of the movie Push (2009): Chris Evans as Nick Gant.

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Push


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With no mission to hurry them, nor a world to be saved, the couple spends the following days taking pleasure in their newfound intimacy. After being dancing around each other for almost a year, once they let their instincts take over, everything happened naturally. Despite the differences between them, they fit perfectly together. It's the happiest and most terrifying feeling ever.

Captain America is the public hero who lives under the spotlight. Even so, the partnership with the secretive Black Widow came instantly, thanks to their complementary skills – it reflected well also in their friendship. On the other hand, Steve is a very private person, not so different from Natasha. Although he made his intentions clear from the start, he's cautious to not rush her into anything. Definitely, it's too soon for them to seek for what is in their hearts and, honestly, neither of them know how to deal with this relationship. The obvious choice is to keep everything private, and the Captain asks for JARVIS' cooperation.

"My circuits are sealed, Captain. It's the Avengers' privacy directive."

The redhead still finds it hard to believe that the infamous Russian spy, master of deception, can be with the American hero, the ultimate symbol of honesty and integrity. However, against all odds, being with him is changing her, and the scariest part is that she's enjoying it.

Nevertheless, keeping a secret isn't exactly easy when you live and work among team-members. Especially because it's hard to hide their state of happiness from a partner.

Always attentive, Clint gets suspicious, "Nat, what's going on?"

The spy raises her eyebrows, "What do you mean?"

The archer squints, "You seem… different."

Natasha's mind turns to her friend – the closest person to her in her life, before Steve. Hawkeye is her equal, her partner who became a brother. They live in the same world of espionage and lies, hiding in the shadows to survive. Clint is the one who knows her best, at least, who she used to be. She knows it's a matter of time until the archer discovers her secret.


Avengers Tower. Black Widow's floor.

Steve finds Natasha resting on her home theater couch, and as usual, her beauty takes his breath away. She's wearing a silk red kimono with oriental patterns, that completely flatters her curvaceous body. Her disheveled hair frames her face perfectly, naturally beautiful without any makeup – as he loves to see her. He captures her image in his mind to draw her later, before sliding down next to her, and carefully enfolds her in his arms.

Stretching like a lithe dancer, she places her hands on his chest, smiling, "Hi."

They've been together all the time but he can't get enough of her. "Hi, gorgeous," he breathes, holding her by her slender waist, before cupping the back of her head, and drawing her in for a deep kiss. Her soft skin smells delicious, like some after-bath moisturizing oil. He knows he needs to control himself, but he's so in love with her that it's always difficult.

They break the kiss and her cheeks are a little pinkish. "I was waiting for you to watch a movie with me," she invites, biting her lower lip.

Steve asks with a smile, "What is it about?"

JARVIS promptly explains, "The film centers on a group of people born with various superhuman abilities. They band together in order to take down a government agency that is using a dangerous drug to enhance their powers in hopes of creating an army of super-soldiers."

"Super-soldiers? Aren't you tired of the subject?" he teases her.

She grins, snuggling into his arms, and replies, "It's a good story. There's a girl, Dakota Fanning, she's an amazing young actress. Do you wanna try?"

Adjusting himself on the couch and hugging her tightly, he's nothing but welcoming, "Anything my lady wants," and her heart melts.

Safe in Steve's arms, Natasha thinks about the story. The parallels with her life are unmistakable – that's why he chose it. Before Steve, movies were her private moment, just for entertainment, but now it's their easy tool to talk about things they wouldn't normally discuss. Do I want to talk… to think about what happened in my life? She never told anyone about it, but he deserves to know everything.

The movie was filmed in Hong Kong, and he finds it charming how she likes to dress to match its atmosphere. He whispers in her ear, "Love the outfit. You look beautiful," and kisses her hand.

She can't help but blush.

The mood changes quickly as the movie starts. The subject is too intense, dealing with human experiments since WWII, to turn special people into weapons. Steve knew the reality behind it, "I destroyed Hydra labs that did this for real." He doesn't hide the revolt in his voice. "There was one in Bavaria where I fought men turned into monsters – Zola's latest creations."

The scene shows one girl being tested. "She survived the injection. She's our patient zero."

Natasha turns to speak to him. "There are some things that I want you to know."

JARVIS understands their way to watch movies by now, and how they deviate to talk, so he activates the advanced motion sensors to pause the movie every time they both turned their faces away from the screen.

Steve grabs her hand giving her his full attention, "I'm here."

"I was injected with something too, a less advanced variant of the serum used on you."

Everything about her life is a mystery, but she has an enhanced physiology. Images of Bucky trapped on that gurney fill his mind, and Steve asks, fighting to hide his concern, "Were you forced?"

Natasha reaches up to touch his face, trying to ease his discomfort. "No. It wasn't like this. It was part of my training."

He learned about Bruce's accident with gamma rays, while attempting to recreate Dr. Erskine's serum, and wonders how many people were used in experiments that tried to make more super-soldiers like him. There's nothing about this in her file, but he had noticed her advanced skills already. He can't help it, he worries, "Were you exposed to any rays? Did you feel any pain?"

"Not that I know of. It wasn't really painful. It was like a vaccine, to improve my body, in a similar version of what happened to you. It enhanced my immune system, making me heal faster and resistant to normal drugs, things like that." Then she pauses, thinking about the most important thing she needs to tell him… Not that she can dream with any future, but anyway, he deserves to know. "And I can't have children."

There's a twinge of sadness in her eyes, but she turns quickly, looking back at the screen and the movie continues. He senses her light tremor, and holds her even closer… caressing her arms, kissing her forehead. I'm here. An overflow of thoughts fill his mind, but he's more concerned about her than anything else. Sadly, he senses that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Above everything, he understands and respects her needs – he doesn't say anything.

Truth be told, neither of them are ready to think about the implication of all this in their lives together.

A great action sequence plays on the screen. Her guy plays Nick, a telekinetic or 'mover', and he establishes a brotherly relationship with Cassie, a clairvoyant or 'watcher', played by the teenaged actress. They have to face the Division, a government agency that wants to weaponize them.

"They're great together," Steve recognizes. "But she's so young to be alone."

Natasha murmurs, "I was younger…"

He didn't miss it because of his enhanced hearing and his constant attention towards her – he stops perplexed, before taking her face gently, turning her to him. "Nat, I'm sorry. I didn't know." It's not pity, it's truly concern and a hint of indignation.

She nestles in his arms resting on his chest, and speaks quietly, "My home burned, everybody died, and they took me to this place with other children – the Red Room Academy – where it all happened. They trained me in everything – martial arts, gymnastics, spy stuff. I was good, so my training was more intense. I also remember joining the ballet Bolshoi when I was a child, but those seem to have been memory implants to overwrite my underage training. I can dance, though."

"I'm so sorry." Steve holds her tight, sadly realizing that whoever did this took away her right to youth. No wonder she has deep trust issues and always hid behind fortified walls.

"It wasn't that bad at the time. I didn't know any other life, so I didn't miss anything," she raises her chin, trying to smile. "That's why I like the movies. I can pretend to be anyone, and have a normal life… It's funnier and safer than being undercover."

All he can see is the young child inside this amazing woman he… cares so much about. Once more Bucky comes to Steve's mind, this time, as the young orphan that Steve's mother helped to take care of. "I can't imagine what you went through," he strokes her hair tenderly. It's another proof of trust that she's giving to him – her history – and he acknowledges it, "Thank you."

Natasha looks at him puzzled, "For what?"

Tracing his fingers softly over her cheek, he replies, "For trusting me."

It surprises her how easy it felt to talk to him and how happy she is for having him to share this part of herself with. Instantly, she draws him in for a deep kiss. When they break for air, he cups her face, and blue eyes dive in green ones. He asks hopefully, "We are making new memories, right? Good ones?"

"Yes, the best." She smiles widely before relaxing into his arms, as they turn to watch the movie.

Cassie gives a flower to Nick. "You help her and you help us all." Remembering his father's words, he decides to help the teenager.

Natasha smiles, "Clint helped me. He offered me a choice. I owe him my life." Then she looks at Steve a little curiously, "You never asked me about him. Everybody else did, or tried."

He looks at her somewhat embarrassed, as if she had discovered a well-kept secret. "I saw how great partners you two were, since the beginning." He tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear, and speaks shyly, "Now I can confess, I was jealous of him for being so close to you and how protective he was with you." There's a faint blush on his cheeks, and she places a soft kiss on his lips, as he continues ashamed, "But after a while I saw that Clint treats you as a sister."

It's amuses Natasha to discover that Steve cared for her since the beginning. "Yes, he does."

Suddenly, a deep shadow falls over her, and her voice trembles, "There was a guy, in Russia, called Vindiktor. He claimed to be my older brother. But he tried to kill me… he had a metallic exoskeleton." Averting hers eyes, she looks miserable, "I ran for my life, to the top of a silo. He fell… and died before I had the chance to find the truth."

Steve can't believe how terrible Natasha's life was. The burden she had to carry… so young… all alone… "I'm so sorry, Nat."

"There was nothing I could do." Shrugging her shoulders lightly, she adds melancholically, "I was lured there with a diary of my mother. But… it was a lie."

Holding her with all his caring, he kisses her forehead lovingly, wishing he could shield her from any pain, "I'm here, okay? For anything you need."

They stayed there, holding each other tighter, until a familiar face appears on the screen, and gives him a chance to try cheer her up, talking about something she likes.

"Doesn't she look like Coulson's new partner? Agent Melinda May?

"She does, doesn't she? The actress is Ming-Na Wen. She's good."

Nick finds Kira, a telepath or 'pusher', and talks about lost memories. "You must have had yourself wiped. Erased memories make it harder for Division to track you."

Natasha closes her eyes slowly, and after a pause she straightens up to look at Steve – the movie stops.

"Back in the Red Room, they gave me various sets of false memories so I could operate under very deep cover. It wasn't perfect. I ended up learning how to turn them off, most of it." There's a sorrow in her voice, "But I found out that I was brainwashed in the past… I don't… I don't know how many times… and what they… erased…" Her voice fails and she swallows hard, before trying again, "When Clint trapped me… it was because I hesitated. I saw him… I felt that I knew him… like something had happened before, between us." Steve looks confused and she explains, "They could mess with memories, but never with feelings. But Clint didn't seem to recognize me, and he never said or did anything to imply anything other than our current friendship."

It's Steve turn to pause and stammer, "Do you… want to have more… than his friendship? Did you…?" All he wants is to be there for her, to be supportive with all she's telling him, but Clint is too important to them both. Steve's fear is almost unbearable. "I'm sorry… I have no right to ask. I shouldn't…" Ashamed, he finds himself silly and selfish, "I'm sorry, I…"

However, the look in her eyes is answer enough. She wraps her arms around his neck, "No. Never. Clint is my partner, my brother. I never felt for him as a man," and kisses him passionately. Breathless, she speaks between his lips, "I never felt this way, with anyone."

He feels guilty for being relieved, and it is stamped on his face. Secretly, she loves to see him as insecure as any other man, and keeps kissing him, again and again, until he finally relaxes. Still embarrassed, he whispers, "Me neither." She smiles delighted, and they look back to the movie. Silently, they try to not think about everything they are not saying to each other.

Nick and Kira's romance upsets Cassie who doesn't trust the telepath. Natasha retorts promptly, "I don't like her either, Cassie."

Steve squints, "Why?"

"Just don't think she's a good actress."

He asked but he almost knew the answer. Looking at his girl drooling over some other guy it isn't funny, even if just an actor. Anyway, he's truly glad to see her having any kind of normal fun.

Nick's plan requires him to be wiped, to forget some memories, but he fears, "I'm not gonna wake up and forget who I am, am I?"

Clint's words come to Natasha's mind, 'Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Pull you out and stuff something else in? Do you know what it's like to be unmade?'

"Clint was truly messed up, you know? After Loki." Her eyes are full of gratitude. "You didn't know us before, you stood by him. You trusted me to trust him."

Captain America's support was essential to get Hawkeye back into S.H.I.E.L.D. without any gossip. Steve had earned both Natasha and Clint's trust at that time. He remembers how shaken the archer was and how long it took to have him completely back on his feet, after being mind-controlled by Loki. Even so, Steve is always humble, "It was the right thing to do."

Natasha smiles proudly, "You trained him in hand-to-hand combat, you taught him to use your shield – you gave him his confidence back. He worships you, says you're the best leader he ever had. You protected him. That's what you do with us all."

There's a faint blush on his cheek. In the field he's the confident leader, but with her, he's just a kid from Brooklyn. Noticing how embarrassed he is with her praise, she kisses him teasingly, "Love when you look like this." Then he turns purple red and she kisses him even more.

But Cassie gets their attention when, through tears, she confesses, "I know I act like I don't care sometimes, but I don't want to die."

Natasha sighs deeply, "Clint told me he saw the fear in my eyes. That's what stopped him from killing me, what made him give me a choice."

"Thank God…" Just this thought makes him shudder, and he hugs her. "I owe him forever."

Amidst all the tension, Natasha feels completely safe and wanted in his arms.

But before she can say anything, Nick confronts Kira who was turned by the Division, and says their love story was a lie. "It never happened. I used you, Nick."

Her words hit Natasha hard, and she starts trembling. Steve reacts quickly, pulling her to his lap, "What's wrong?" His eyes are scrutinizing her, trying to understand her sudden change.

"There are too many tragic conflicting memories that never stop haunting me," she looks down.

"That's the past, Nat. There were many things none of us could control." He tries to calm her, "We can't change that. What matters is what we do now."

Her voice is shaken, "I think… I used… Clint… before."

Taken by surprise, he questions, "What did he say?" But the look on her face answers everything. "You didn't ask him, did you? Nat, stop. Don't do this to yourself."

The dark shadow is back in her eyes, again… "The missions, the things they made me do…" He gets apprehensive, before she explains embarrassed, "I wasn't forced to do anything, but I was different. I believed in the KGB. My choices… I did things I regret now, and that I wouldn't do again."

There's nothing he can say to ease her angst, but he needs to try. "Everybody has a past. I fought in the most devastating war in history, where over 60 million people died. My primary target was Hydra, but I killed lots of soldiers – good men who were just following orders, and fighting for their countries. I lost men under my command." He takes a sharp breath, "We all have our regrets."

She can't help but think how good and noble he is… so different from her. "The people I was involved with were as bad as me. I'll never wipe out all the red in my ledger," she adds sadly, "I will never be good enough…" for you.

Placing a soft kiss on her lips, he speaks kindly, "Nat, please, don't say that again." Caressing her face, he continues, "You are the most amazing person I know and I'm blessed to be here with you."

She knows he means it, and she has no idea what she did to deserve him – she averts her eyes.

"We can't live in the past, and you know I can talk about it. But we have to learn from it to plan our future." He raises her chin and her eyes are moistened. "You were a child, you had no choice, and you didn't know any other kind of life. Whatever happened, if anything happened, between you and Clint, it was enough for him to give you a second chance. You can't keep torturing yourself with this, you have to ask him."

Looking terrified, she nods negatively, and it crushes him to see her hurt that way.

"It's easy to do good when you had every facility. You had nothing, but you changed your life to do the right thing. You picked the good side. I'm very proud of you and honored to be by your side." He's already holding her close, "We are doing great things together, aren't we?"

But the tension in her body is too intense – still fighting to stay in control, she rasps, "I didn't care about anything before. It was like acting, being undercover – it wasn't me." Pausing, she breathes deeply, "When I joined S.H.I.E.L.D., they told me they took off the Red Room controls. But I don't know if I had already lost something I didn't want to forget." Her pulse is uneasy, her breathing unpaced, and her voice is just a murmur, "I don't want that to happen anymore." Finally, she exposes her greatest fear, "What if they get me again?"

In silence he swears to hunt them down – but he can't imagine what he would do if he put his hands on anyone responsible for causing her so much pain. Trying to change his anger into reassurance, he breathes slowly, and cups her face, foreheads touching, "Nat, I won't let anyone hurt you. Ever."

She trusts him with her life, but she's about to break, "I don't want to forget you. I don't want to be used to hurt you."

"Trust me. It won't happen. I won't let it." He can feel her whole body stressed, struggling to hold back tears. His voice is serene, but certain, "I was born weak, but I got this gift to change it. You had to be strong since you were a child." Cradling her in his arms, he rubs her back gently, whispering in her ear, "Please, Nat. Let me protect you now. Trust me to take care of you." Placing a tender kiss on her forehead, he strokes her hair affectionately. "You don't need to be strong with me."

The Russian fortress breaks completely. She can't hold it in anymore, and tears roll incessantly. "I don't cry." She's frightened and humiliated because it's all she has been doing lately. "I never cared…" I never had anyone to trust like this… Her whole body trembles, and she sobs. Crying for all the things she did, for all the pain she suffered, for everything she regrets… above all, she cries terrified that it could ever happen again.

Cuddling in his arms, she lets herself be soothed by his heartbeat until she starts breathing normally again. "I'm not whiny…" she complains.

Caressing her face softly, Steve kisses away her tears, reassuring, "There's nothing to be ashamed of," and she surrenders under his touch.

Emotions flash through Natasha's eyes, "I don't know how to be like this…"

He comforts her, and tries to cheer her up, "Amazing, sensitive, beautiful, human?"

He's too good to be true. In his arms, she's completely safe – that's a feeling she lost and never had again when she became an orphan. So she turned into the cold-hearted, feared Black Widow, keeping the real Natasha hidden from the world, and from herself. But Steve is unveiling this woman inside her… fragile, passionate, emotional… and as scary as it is, real.

"Natalia. My name. Natasha is a nickname."

"Natalia." Her name in his voice makes her shiver. He kisses her, before asking, "Do you like it better?"

She's completely vulnerable, "I don't know her… I don't know how to be her."

He raises her chin, "Natalia tastes likes Russian dark chocolates," rubbing his thumb over her lips, "She loves romantic movies and cries during the sad scenes," and placing small kisses on her cheek. "She can't resist spicy Indian food, or sweet French cakes." Then he grins because her cheeks get pink. "When she blushes my heart melts," he gently rolls her onto her back laying by her side, "and her smile lights up my day." He winks, kissing her softly. "But she makes me jealous with her crush on that pumped actor." She smiles shyly.

"Natasha, Natalia, I want you." The three words he can say now. Then he kisses her passionately once more, making her forget everything else. "I promise I won't lose you. Ever." Steve keeps going on, telling all the wonderful things only he knows about her, kissing and loving her, until she finds herself alive in his arms.


A few hours later, Natasha wakes up and the feeling is amazing. Her back is against Steve's chest, he's wrapped around her, and she realizes there's nowhere else she wants to be. It's real.

He kisses her shoulder, "Hi," and she melts again.

She worries about his faster metabolism, "Are you hungry?" She's not like him, but she needs more nutrition too, "How about Chinese?"

"Perfect."

He gives her the kimono, and she runs away quickly, coming back with a package for him.

"It's for you." She looks lovely, just waiting for him to open the gift bag – it's a black men's silk robe.

He smiles shyly, "Thanks, but what is this for?"

"You didn't have one. Try it on." He obeys silently, and she wraps the belt around him, smiling proudly, "Perfect. I like you in black." She pulls him into a hungry kiss leaving him breathless.

He says mischievously, "Anything my lady wants."

She laughs, picking up the phone. The food arrives and they continue to watch the movie.

After it all ends, the man tells Cassie, "Your mother's very proud."

Natasha sighs, "I wish I knew if the memories with my mama are real."

Steve hugs her tight, thinking about everything she told him… He needs to find a way to help her. "We can look for the answers, together." Kissing her head he whispers, lovingly, "You are not alone anymore, you know this, right?"

Natasha simply nods, holding Steve's hand next to her heart, feeling that for the first time in her life this is the most absolute truth.

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Next movie: What's Your Number? (2011)


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OBS: There's the mature part of this scene in the companion fic Chris Crush (love scenes), rated M.

Ref: Comics: Marvel Fanfare Vol 1 #10 (1983), Black Widow Vol 2 (2004-2005) & Winter Soldier Vol 1 (2012) – Natalia Romanova's background.
Shadows and Light Vol 1 #1 (1998) "Black Widow: Freefall" – Vindiktor.
Tales of Suspense Vol 1 #60 (1964) "Suspected of Murder!" – Black Widow & Hawkeye's background.

Ref: Games: Captain America: Super Soldier – Bavaria mission.

Ref: Push trailer (youtube/watch?v=zi8oDiMIr0Y)


P.S. This chapter (originally posted in September, 2013) was revised and rewritten in July, 2014, (from 4130 to 4550 words).