Chapter 7: Duodecamicitia

The entry pad to the Mushroom Universe was situated right beside the Warp Pipe in front of Mario's Pad. Various landscapes were visible in the distance, while a large castle was somewhat nearby.

Fox looked around. "For a princess-rescuer, you have a pretty modest house here."

"Well-a, we don't want to get a big-a head," said Mario.

Link looked over at the castle. "I assume that is the princess' castle?"

"One of-a many."

Samus looked at each visible tree, flower, and cloud. "I assume there's a reason for those black spots on pretty much everything?"

"They're eyes," said Luigi. "Nobody knows-a why."

Pikachu leapt into a bush and grabbed some of its berries. He started eating them once he gave them a small jolt.

"So what are we gonna do here?" asked Kirby excitedly.

"Let's see here…" Yoshi thought for a bit. "We could do some go-karting, we could head to the golf course, we could play some tennis, we could…"

Yoshi was interrupted by a Toad appearing out of the Warp Pipe. He looked worried.

"What's this?" asked Fox. "It looks like some sort of fungus."

"Don't call me an it!" the Toad blurted.

"He's a Toad. They're-a the main constituents of-a the Mushroom Kingdom," said Mario.

"So why're-a you here?" asked Luigi.

"Well, um…" The Toad shuffled his feet. "We don't know where Peach is."

"She visited my place not long ago," said Yoshi. "Go check there."

"Oh, okay then." The Toad made his back through the Warp Pipe.

"Phew!" Mario wiped his brow. "I was afraid that Bowser was up to-a no good again!"

"How d'you know I haven't been?"

A large shadow appeared of the group of Smashers. Bowser, in his Koopa Klown Kar, was descending from above, halting a short distance above the house's roof.

"Bowser!" cried Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and DK all at once.

"I know who I am, thank you very much." The King Koopa eyed the rest of the group. "Well well well. I see you've picked up some extra do-gooders at the local Toad-Mart."

"Whad'ya want, you big lug?" snapped Yoshi.

"Oh, nothing." Bowser twiddled his thumbs. "Just checking in to see how the local plumbers are occupying their spare time." He dropped a Warp Pipe nozzle out of the Klown Kar rather obviously. "Uh, whoops! Was saving that for something. Well, see you later." With a smirk, he flew off into the distance.

"I smell a trap," said Yoshi. "And if I can smell it, chances are it's for real."

"Trap or-a not, we have to see what he's up to!" Mario stretched his legs a bit. "And quickly, before-a he updates his plans to include all twelve-a of us!"

"So what does Bowser usually do?" asked Link.

"He-a kidnaps the princess," said Luigi. "The exact reason changes every-a-time, but mostly it's-a because he needs her royal stature for his world domination plans."

"As-a for his skills," continued Mario, "he can breathe-a fire and cause shockwaves by-a jumping, among other things."

"His castles are typically populated by various minions and lava," said Yoshi. "Oh, and his face. Can't get enough of that, apparently."

"Enough talk," said Falcon. "Let's get in there and rough him up!"

Mario took the Warp Pipe nozzle and hammered it into the ground. It quickly started burrowing towards its destination. After a few seconds, it popped back up. The Smashers each hopped in.


The Warp Pipe took the Smashers to the front gates of one of Bowser's many castles. Lightning laced the dark sky while waves of molten rock flowed down a lavafall.

Fox blinked a few times. "Uh, wow. That's a scenery shock."

Samus looked up at the drawbridge. "So how do you guys usually bust into these castles?"

"There's-a usually a back entrance of some kind," said Mario. "Or a hidden switch."

"FIRE!"

Up on the ramparts of the castle were a group of Koopas. They started shooting Bullet Bills down at the Smashers. They were easily dodged.

Kirby inhaled one of the projectiles and spat it back. "This is easy!"

The Koopas started mumbling to each other. Eventually one knocked another on the head before they all descended from view. The Bill Blasters stopped shooting.

"Fetchez la vache!" taunted Yoshi.

Machinery started clanking inside the castle. The drawbridge slowly descended.

Luigi took a step back. "That's-a strange. He never just lets us in like-a this."

"Well, this is a strange situation," said Mario. "We've-a got backup."

The Smashers cautiously walked into the castle. The main hall immediately presented itself: a large circular room with a balcony on the far side. A dozen doors were placed around the room with a thirteenth on the balcony. As could be expected, each door had a large Bowser statue just above it.

Before any of the Smashers could say anything, Bowser appeared on the balcony through the thirteenth door.

"Hello, weaklings!"

"Cut to the chase," said DK.

Bowser grabbed his chest in mock pain. "Oh! Your words cut me to the bone! Nah, not really."

"Does he always act like this?" asked Fox.

"Depends on his mood," replied Luigi. "He seems to be in a good-a mood today."

"You betcha." Bowser pretended to shine his claws. "Why? Because I have the princess, and there's no way you're getting her back this time!"

"You always-a think that," said Mario. "What-a makes it so different this time?"

"A little something I call the Duodecadeflector." The King Koopa checked a piece of paper. "Yeah that's right. Anyway, this state-of-the-art security system will keep you plumbers out of my hair for good."

"The plumbers aren't the only ones here," said Pikachu.

"Shut up, you gibbering rat." Bowser drummed his fingers on the balcony's railing. "Learn a few more syllables."

"I think "duodeca" means twelve," said Yoshi. "Well, there's twelve of us, so I think taking this thing down should be cake."

"Oh right." Bowser looked around. "I guess there is technically a chance you could beat this thing. But look at you! A big-headed kid, a dude in a dress, a pair of bubble gum wads, and Mario's brother? The bets are in, and I'm taking my own side."

"I'll-a take that bet," said Mario.

"Oh really?" Bowser leaned over the railing. "And what're your preferred terms of this bet?"

"If we can't get through, you keep-a Peach. If we beat your system, you-a never make one like it again."

"Hmm…" The big Koopa started thinking. "Well, if this thing works, you won't be able to cheat the bet, so that's fine. Now if it doesn't work…then I'll have wasted a lot of cash."

"That's for sure." Yoshi started pushing. "I bet a twelve-part system would be crazy expensive. Then there're all the workers that complain all day during construction. Building that kind of stuff wouldn't be worth it if it doesn't do as well as your regular security measures, right?"

"All right." Bowser clenched his fist. "I'll take your silly bet, Mario. On one condition."

"What's-a that?"

"If you don't beat the system in ten minutes, I never see any of these "new guys" ever again."

Luigi gasped. "Ten-a minutes?"

Mario ignored his brother's reservations. "Deal!"

Bowser smirked. "Your time starts…NOW!"

Mario quickly blurted a few instructions. "I would-a bet there's a lot of switches in this system. Buttons, levers, other-a things. If you see a lone-a block, smack it. If you see a torch, light it on-a fire. If it's already on fire, put it out. And move as fast a you-a can!"

The Smashers each bolted for a door. Every door lead to a different corridor in the same room - a massive labyrinth of interlinked switches and systems. Only the corridor Mario entered was clear to advance - some were closed off by doors while others had walls too high to climb.

"Aie aie aie," blurted Yoshi.

"Looks like we'll have to work through this as a team," said Link.

"And it looks like I'll-a have to go first," said Mario.

"No time to lose!" called Kirby.

Mario dashed down the hallway. He jumped on a few Goombas before reaching a closed gate and a floor switch. He stepped on it, unblocking the passage Samus was in. Samus immediately Speed Boosted down the hallway, cutting through layers of brick blocks that filled the passage. Once she reached a corner, she turned down it to find a dead end and a torch. Putting out the torch with the Ice Beam freed Jigglypuff.

Jigglypuff ran as fast as she could down the hallway before reaching a vertical shaft, which she easily puffed up through. At the top was a door and a button on the wall, which she pressed to open the door blocking Luigi. The green brother was immediately harassed by a bunch of Koopas. After a few well-timed jumps, the shells all flew through a hole in the wall, activating a switch that freed both Falcon and Fox.

Falcon only managed a few steps before he reached a large box. He started pushing it. The box slowly moved forwards through the wall and into Fox's hallway. Once the box was completely through the hole in the wall, Fox started pushing. The two kept pushing the box down the hall until it fell into the floor and down into Link's corridor, clearing the path and giving Link a stepping stone to proceed. The three Smashers fought through a bunch of Goombas to reach a large room with six floor switches, three green and three red.

"The green or the red?" asked Link.

Fox and Falcon looked at each other.

"Red."

"Green."

"Okay, red." The three stepped on the switches. Nothing happened.

"Looks like green," said Fox. The trio switched switches, which opened Yoshi's passage.

"Voom!" Yoshi launched himself down the hallway. He quickly got to a corner, turning it to find a small room with a bunch of Mushrooms on a table. A sign on the wall read: "All but one will make you fail; I suggest you turn your tail!"

"Scent sleuth time." The dino sniffed each Mushroom in turn. "Gunpower, poison, napalm, ashes, earwax, aha! Cinnamon." He ate the Mushroom, which caused the door blocking Kirby to open.

Kirby was immediately confronted by two pairs of Hammer Bros. He quickly swallowed one of their hammers and became Hammer Kirby, which let him bash through them without difficulty. In the back corner of the room was a large wooden stake, which Kirby pounded into the ground. This opened two doors, one which allowed Pikachu to enter and another that let them both leave.

The next corridor was flooded with water and riddled with Cheep-Cheeps and Bloopers.

"Stand back, Kirby!" Pikachu waved for Kirby to back off.

"Um, sure, I'll stay here." The puffball stayed where he was as Pikachu jumped into the water.

"PIKAAAAAbblbblb!"

Pikachu fired a Thunderbolt that tore through the hallway, destroying all the fishy enemies.

"Good one!" Kirby jumped in as Pikachu came up for air.

"Six minutes left, you sorry lot!" Bowser's voice echoed through the maze.

The two Smashers swam through the now-empty hallway. At the end was a large rock. Kirby smashed it with his hammer, draining the room and opening another. The pair stepped on the two switches inside, which let Ness start on his path. The hall led to a room with several torches. It took a few tries, but Ness managed to light them all with PK Fire, which opened the door DK was standing in front of. The ape was immediately confronted by a Sumo Bro. After a few haymakers, the fat turtle was smashed into the wall. DK moved on to a very large button on the floor. A few ground-shaking pounds caused it to unstick, opening up Mario and Luigi's hallways - which merged into each other.

Mario looked at his brother. "Why am I not surprised-a?"

Luigi shrugged.

The two plumbers dashed through the passage, jumping over and on a bunch of Buzzy Beetles. They pulled a lever at the end of the hall to open the door blocking Jigglypuff. The balloon Pokémon quickly dropped down a shaft and landed right on DK's head just as the ape's passage was also opened. DK started barrelling down the hallway, tearing right through a load of Dry Bones. At the end of the hallway was a Note Block. DK instinctively punched the block, but it just bounced back into place.

Jigglypuff looked at the note marking on the block. "Maybe it needs music or something." The block wiggled a bit.

DK looked up. "I don't know what you said, but it did something."

"Here goes then." Jigglypuff took a deep breath and started singing. After a dozen or so notes, the Note Block vanished, leaving a rather large switch behind. The Pokémon stopped singing and tried to press the switch, but she was too light.

"Hey DK, can you press this?" Jigglypuff suddenly noticed that the big ape was fast asleep. "Wake up!" She used Double Slap, which roused DK.

"What the heck is going…" DK looked around. "I have no idea what happened there." He quickly noticed the switch and gave it a smack. Two passageways opened up.

Jigglypuff looked to the left. "Doesn't look like we can go that way." The path was blocked by a very large block.

"That way's definitely blocked," said DK. "That's some kind of metal, I can't punch through that."

An orange sphere about one meter large flew into the junction from the unblocked passage. It rolled up to the block.

"Stand back!"

While greatly confused about where Samus' voice came from, DK put Jigglypuff back on his head and leaped away. A few seconds later there was a massive explosion. Samus walked out of the debris.

"What-" began DK.

"Power Bomb." Samus started moving down the newly opened hallway.

"But what about-"

"Later. We have four minutes."

The three Smashers moved down the hallway. After a bit, they dropped down into the room with Fox, Falcon, and Link.

"That's half of us in one group," said Fox.

"Let's hit all six switches at one," suggested Link.

The three red and three green switches were pressed. Yoshi was once again free to move. He rushed forwards, leaping over a pit of spikes, before coming to a wooden blockade.

"One spicy fruit comin' up!" Yoshi ate a Red Watermelon, allowing him to set the obstacle on fire. The next room had another wooden wall, as well as an open passageway.

"Behind here!" Kirby called from behind the wooden planks. Yoshi burned a hole that allowed the puffball and Pikachu to join him. The trio dashed down the hall, coming to a pit of lava.

"Time for more jumping." Yoshi easily cleared the lava. Kirby followed, a bit slower. Pikachu didn't move.

"What's wrong?" asked Kirby.

"I'm not jumping over that! It's too scary!"

"I don't care what you said, we're on a deadline here!" Yoshi nabbed Pikachu from across the pool with his tongue. Meanwhile, Kirby was pressing a pair of buttons that allowed Mario, Luigi, and Ness into the room.

"That half of us now," said Ness.

Mario looked at the lava pit and started preparing to jump over it.

"No no no, wrong way," said Yoshi.

"Oh." Mario turned around and started running the right direction. The five other Smashers followed.

The hallway incorporated a lot of turns, making it difficult to move quickly. Eventually, the Smashers dropped down into the room with the second group.

"Ninety seconds!" bellowed Bowser.

A camera in the corner of the room detected that there were now twelve bodies in the room. In response, the room's back wall dissolved, revealing what was obviously the final room. Peach was trapped inside a magical barrier in the center of the room. Around the room's perimeter were twelve numbered switches.

"Every-a-one onto a switch!" called Mario.

The Smashers all leaped onto the switches. But nothing happened.

"There's gotta be a trick," said Fox.

Link spied a sign on the wall. "Hey guys! This says something." He cleared his throat. "No time to wait, your burden is heavy! But light comes last, so hah!"

"What's the point of that?" asked Falcon.

"The words "wait", "heavy", and "light" are a bit thicker."

The Smashers thought for a few seconds.

Samus spoke first. "We have to get in order of weight."

"And "light comes last", so the lightest goes on switch 12," said Yoshi.

"That's probably me." Jigglypuff went to switch 12.

"And I'll be on the other end." DK leaped onto switch 1.

"That suit looks heavy," Ness said to Samus. "You're probably next heaviest."

"Probably. Then Yoshi, he has a lot of mass."

"I always thought that-a Yoshi was a lightweight," said Mario.

"I may act pretty light, but I definitely have more gravity than you." Yoshi stood on switch 3. "And now those two, they're pretty big guys." He pointed to Link and Falcon.

"In what order?" asked Link.

"If it's wrong, we'll just switch you." Kirby stood on switch 11. "Pikachu, I think you go here." He pointed to switch 10.

"That makes sense."

"Thirty seconds!" Bowser laughed.

"Ness, you're probably 9," said Fox.

"And I'm-a bit lighter than my bro," said Luigi.

"Get-a on 7 then." Mario stood on switch 6.

With the Smashers in a perceived order, all the switches were filled up. One by one, the switches changed colour from red to green.

"Seventeen…sixteen…"

The barrier around Peach vanished. Various Smashers made signs of success.

"Fourteen…thirteen…"

"Why's he still counting?" asked Kirby.

"Maybe he can't see us?" wondered DK.

Samus had a guess. "ESCAPE!"

"Eight…seven…"

The Smashers leapt into action. Mario, Luigi, and Peach all jumped onto Yoshi, who quickly used pepper to sneeze himself out of the room. Samus grabbed DK with her Grapple Beam and Speed Boosted away, while Ness teleported out and Falcon and Fox just ran. Link used Farore's Wind to warp to the entrance of the maze, and Kirby and Jigglypuff rode an Agility-powered Pikachu.

"Two…one…TIME'S UP!"

A loud humming noise could be heard from inside the maze. It subsided after a few seconds.

"Good thing…Link's path was…really short," Fox panted.

All the Smashers had escaped from the maze into the castle's main hall. Bowser was still standing on the balcony, obviously irritated.

"You lose!" blurted Yoshi.

"You planned to trap us in-a there once we were all in a group," said Mario.

Samus scanned one of the doors to the maze. "Susceptibility waves. They would have hypnotized anyone in there."

"You do-gooders think you're so smart," Bowser grunted.

"We made a deal," stated Mario.

Bowser grumbled. Smoke came out his ears. "Fine. No more security systems that require twelve people. Now get out of my sight."

The Smashers, with Peach in tow, left the castle quickly. Once outside, they breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"That Bowser's quite a guy," said Fox.

"That about sums it up." Yoshi fished through his hammerspace for a can of 7-Up.

"So how long after we-a left Yoshi's Island did Bowser capture you?" asked Mario.

"About half an hour," replied Peach. "Someone must have tipped him off."

Link rubbed his elbows. "Do you mind if we have a rest in your castle or something?"

"Go ahead. I'm sure we have enough rooms for you all."

"And once we're all rested up, we head to the next universe," said Falcon.

"Hopefully there's not so much chaos involved," a worn-out Ness said.