chapter seven: broil
"Vanity was stronger than love at sixteen and there was no room in her hot heart now for anything but hate." - Gone With the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Ty Lee's hands shake as she sips the chamomile tea. It calms her slightly as she still reels from the attack. She... killed someone. Ty Lee... killed someone. And she doesn't know why. She pressed her hands into his neck and didn't let go. Azula was going to die if she didn't. She made a choice.
"Is she okay?" Ty Lee says, her voice trembling. Iroh sits down across from her.
"She's not pleased about a waterbender healing her, but other than that, she should live," Iroh says, pouring himself a cup of tea and refilling Ty Lee's. Some of it sloshes over her hand. He studies the burn marks on Ty Lee's clothes and the ash on her neck. The work of a firebender. As often with Azula, some things don't add up. "What happened there?"
"We were just walking. They... they knew who we were. Or at least, who she was. They jumped us. But she-I fought them off. I did. Myself." Ty Lee is a terrible liar and she wishes she and Azula's places were reversed for more reasons than one.
Iroh does not pry further. Perhaps he should, but he does not want to. If Azula were still able to bend, in which case Iroh would have more to worry about than her injuries, he would be in for a world of trouble. More disturbing, is the fact that she was assaulted so quickly after arriving in Ba Sing Se. Everything about it feels wrong, somehow.
"I'm gonna go check on her." Ty Lee stands up a little too quickly, makes too much sound with her chair. She walks up the stairs, away from the scrutinizing eyes of the Jasmine Dragon, and to Azula's bedroom. The healer has just left, looking frustrated. Ty Lee mouths sorry. She is ignored.
Azula is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her rib is not jutting out and her bone is not visible through her leg. But she still looks wounded, and the scars from the rocks are still there, a few wrapped around her wrists. Ty Lee feels weak in her knees.
"Are you okay?" Ty Lee asks, sitting beside her.
"Ty Lee," she says, her tone twice as regal as Ty Lee has heard in a long time, "draft a letter to my family. Dearest mother, I hope you're happy that you almost got me killed. I told you all it was a bad idea to send me here. This is why we should have burnt the Earth Kingdom to the ground. Also, if I find out it was any of you who hired those savages to kill me, you will regret the day you were born."
"I'm not going to remember all of that," Ty Lee says with a tiny shrug and hopeful smile and Azula sighs haughtily.
"I wasn't... you know what... I'm just going to go to sleep." Azula tries to turn over and then groans in pain. "Never mind, I'm actually going to just stay in this position. It's much more comfortable."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to tell your uncle. The Avatar... he took away your bending. What happened?" Ty Lee whispers and Azula takes a deep breath.
"You were in danger. I saw you getting grabbed by those guys and I don't even know what happened. I really thought my bending was gone forever. But, seeing you in trouble..." Azula purrs, touching Ty Lee's face. It works. Wow, it actually works. Ty Lee's eyes are swimming with joyous tears. She kisses Azula passionately and Azula returns, not sure how she feels about it.
They loved once, Azula knows. And she loves her still, she thinks. But right now is a transitional period and Azula is confused and it is far easier to be exploiting Ty Lee than loving her back. And if Ty Lee believes true love brought back Azula's bending, she will not tell anyone. Then Zuko and Aang will not be found out, and Azula will not be sent to prison for her war crimes by Hakoda and Kuei and those other fucking people...
"That's so beautiful," Ty Lee says weakly, her voice constricted with strong emotion. Azula's stomach hurts.
"I know," Azula says, breathing more easily. "You know, I don't understand why there are waterbenders in the Earth Kingdom."
"And she's back."
[X]
After the Invasion, Azula is frustrated, "I mean, we should have expected that he would run away like a little bitch," Azula says as Ty Lee strokes Mai's shoulder awkwardly. It is a most uncomfortable situation. "Oh my father is always disappointed in me. I'm gonna run away and cry. I mean, that's Zuko. What did you expect?"
Mai sighs loudly. "He's such an asshole."
"What have I always told you?" Azula replies and Mai puts her hands over her eyes. Ty Lee makes a strange sound of sympathy.
"I don't know why I even try," Mai groans. "He's such an asshole."
"Yes, you've made that quite clear. I told you he would break your heart."
"He did it like such a wimp too!" Ty Lee interjects, waving the letter in the air.
"I don't know why we're all so surprised," Azula says, shrugging.
[X]
"Tell me when it happened," Azula asks, bedridden against her will and sick of it. She hates how Ba Sing Se smells. This whole country smells wrong. She hates the memories that it summons. And she despises being stuck and injured, and requiring healing hands of a waterbender.
"When what happened?" Ty Lee asks, looking up. She has been staring out of the window and drinking tea. Her bruises have healed and she somehow fixed her burnt hair.
"When you two decided to team up against me. Jump ship and all," Azula asks and Ty Lee squirms.
"It wasn't pre-meditated! We didn't just up and decide to do that to you. I mean... I... Azula you were going to kill her. You were going to kill her."
Ty Lee has a point.
"But if you really loved me, you wouldn't have stopped me."
"You would've regretted it for the rest of your life."
"I don't have any regrets. They're unprofessional," Azula says, pulling the blankets further over herself. Ty Lee looks genuinely pissed now, but it isn't Azula's problem.
"Look at me in the eyes," Ty Lee says, standing up and walking to the bed. She touches Azula's chin. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. "Look at me in the eyes and tell me that you could kill Mai and live with yourself."
Azula stares at her. Golden versus deep brown. Almond versus wide. Hollow versus full.
"I could."
Ty Lee leaves the room, her shoulders shaking with sobs.
"Ty Lee, why are you crying?" Iroh does not think he has ever seen her so sad. She crumbles as patrons of the shop stare at her. She stares at the table and sobs.
"I don't know. I don't know why I get my hopes up."
Iroh does not interfere. Although, perhaps he should. Perhaps he should.
[X]
Back in the Fire Nation, the morning is bright and blinding.
Mai accepts the letter from the hawk, yawning. It has been a painfully long morning, and she has been ill of late. The palace seems more peaceful without Azula sulking about, and Ty Lee constantly trying to do friends things with Mai. Don't get her wrong, Mai appreciates Ty Lee greatly, but her presence builds tension like magma in a volcano.
She opens it. It's from Iroh. Mai is stunned as she reads through it. Something twists in her gut.
"Zuko!" Silence. "Zuko, get in here!"
In moments, he is at her command. Zuko is half-dressed and rubbing his eyes, he takes the letter from Mai and drops it in shock.
"That's awful," Zuko says and Mai shrugs. "What? Ty Lee and my sister got jumped by earthbenders. My uncle said that Azula almost died."
"Yeah, it's bad, I guess." Mai walks away. She does feel upset about almost losing them, but that disturbs her more than anything. The fact that she would miss Azula if she died, after all she did. The fact that she still cares so much about Azula after all of this time.
She visited her in the asylum, before she was sent to prison for being too hazardous for society, even behind white walls. Azula screamed at her and threw a lamp into Mai's face before they restrained her in a straitjacket. Mai decided to cut her feelings for Azula out of her life.
So why are they still there? Why does she still want to be her friend? Her best friend.
"Let me tell you a story," Zuko says, taking Mai's arm. "After you saved my ass at the Boiling Rock, Azula came after me for revenge. We were fighting─"
"Is this going to be all day?"
Zuko frowns. "I'm trying to help you!"
"Okay, okay, go on."
"And she started falling. I thought she was going to die. And I was going to save her. If she hadn't have saved herself, I would've gone after her."
"You think she'd do the same for you?" Mai crosses her arms. "Look, we've gone a nice two weeks without mentioning Azula. Let's keep it that way."
"I think she would."
"Zuko, she was going to kill me. For saving you. And her life goals included becoming an only child from the time we were toddlers. And don't give me that bullshit about that's why we're better than her. I don't think that. I just don't understand why..." Mai sighs and sits down. It's pointless arguing with Zuko. "I miss the not-hero Zuko. You've developed this 'help everybody' complex since you decided to join the Avatar."
"That was the best decision of my life," Zuko says and Mai scowls.
"Look, I know, I know. But you can't change my mind about Azula."
"If you hate her so much, why does it upset you that she almost died?" Zuko asks and Mai looks like she is about to stab him. She stands up and walks away.
"Fuck you, Zuko."
And she is gone.
[X]
"I'm sorry that I made you cry," Azula says, unsure if it is fact or fiction.
Admittedly, she has given Ty Lee genuine apologies before. She is sitting on the sofa in the apartment, having dragged herself out of bed. Her body still hurts and bandages are still wrapped around her. The work it takes to walk is painful, but she needed to get out of that bed. Her bed at home was her escape; her bed in Ba Sing Se is a prison.
Ty Lee has just walked in. She takes off her apron ─ as she is trying her best to help Iroh ─ and sits down.
"You didn't mean it?"
Azula hesitates. She isn't quite sure if she meant it. Her feelings for Mai are incredibly mixed. She thinks of squinting and seeing that the one screwing her over was one of the only two people she trusted. In that moment, she thought about all of the wild things they did together. She thought... they were friends. But Azula really doesn't know what friendship is.
"No, I didn't mean it. But why does it bother you so much anyway? It's not your life. I wasn't about to kill you," Azula asks, genuinely confused.
"She's my friend. Her life is just as important as mine," Ty Lee explains and Azula doesn't bother to try to understand.
"Hmph." That's the only way Azula can respond.
"So, this is... this is real? What you said about your bending?" Ty Lee asks, sitting down beside Azula.
"Of course. I mean, you must admit there was always something between us," Azula says, focusing intently on her friend. She examines her expression for any sign that she does not believe every word. But Ty Lee is smitten by the idea of love.
"This is so wonderful." Ty Lee grabs both of Azula's hands. Azula winces from the pain and Ty Lee hastily apologizes.
"It really is." Azula hopes she does not sound too forced. It would not be half-bad, she supposes, to become romantically involved. It never was her speed, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ty Lee kisses her again.
[X]
"Zuko, we're not talking," Mai says dryly over her shoulder. She is sitting on the front steps of the palace.
"I'm here to apologize," Zuko says and Mai turns around to face him.
"See, that's what I'm talking about. You have this fucking hero complex and it's getting on my nerves. All of you people are getting on my nerves." Mai stands up ferociously. "You especially. I'm just done."
"You sound like─"
"I would suggest you not finish that sentence, Zuko," Mai snaps, walking inside. "I'm done right now."
She has built a life for herself, independent of Azula and Ty Lee. They can't steal that from her. Her weak desire for friendship cannot steal her life. No.
[X]
The night after the Invasion. It went as Azula had planned, but there is still unease. She knew Zuko would flip eventually, but she could not gauge the timing.
"Ty Lee, what do you want?" Azula asks, rubbing her eyes. She is pawing at the door like some kind of pet. The eclipse has come and gone, and they have spent the entire night comforting Mai.
"Can I come in?" Ty Lee asks, stepping through the door uninvited.
"Well, you just walked in..." Azula murmurs, closing the door. She hesitates momentarily. And then, making the mistake of her life, she locks it.
Ty Lee lies down on the dark ruby bed. She watches Azula carefully as Azula sits down at the foot of the bed, still half asleep.
"How can you just sleep soundly after everything? We just were invaded. Zuko ran away," Ty Lee says, sounding genuinely troubled.
"We won. Nothing else matters," Azula says earnestly.
"I don't know if it works like that, princess," Ty Lee says and Azula frowns.
"Have you just come into my room to criticize me?" Azula demands and Ty Lee shakes her head.
"I thought you said the Avatar was dead," Ty Lee says and Azula leans against the bedpost. This is annoying.
"I thought he was." Azula shrugs. "Sometimes I'm wrong." A slight smirk at the end. "And other times, like, saving us all from an invasion, then I'm right."
"Do you really believe that we'll win this war?" Ty Lee says, sitting up and crawling close to Azula.
"Of course I do. I always win," Azula says softly, not sure where this night is going. She thinks of the kiss that should not have been.
"Your confidence is inspiring. When you say it... I guess I believe too. Or maybe I believe that you believe. And... I guess that's good enough," Ty Lee says, and Azula does not see the fear in her eyes. "But the Avatar won't stop. What if these are our last moments?"
"We've beat them time and time again. And we're going to burn it all to the ground anyway. That comet, I mean, these aren't our last days─"
Azula's monologue is cut off by Ty Lee kissing her. It was her this time who initiated, although she took the blame last time. Azula kisses her back.
It is the most confusing and exhilarating night of Azula's life. If it were truly her last day on Earth, she would not consider it wasted.
Ty Lee was gone when Azula woke up, and Azula wondered momentarily if the entire thing was some strange erotic dream brought on by stress. But when they met eyes in the morning, it was real. Azula wants it to be real. There was never room in her for love or romance, and nobody ever tried. But it feels... so right. So right. Maybe she was just looking in the wrong place. Not looking at something that was there all along.
She feels an excitement in her gut that she gets when she is telling a particularly elaborate lie. Is that what love feels like? Maybe lying really is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. It is a beautiful morning. Zuko is gone. The Fire Nation wins again and gathers up all the prisoners like they deserve. Ty Lee... Ty Lee...
"Azula," her father says as she walks into the throne room.
"You called to speak with me." And now I'm going to get sent after Zuko again. Wonderful. And after last night...
She bows, though she personally thinks it's superfluous. If all goes according to plan, people will be bowing to her. She would look quite good just a little bit to the left. Smirk. Suppress.
"I have one thing to clear up, before we finish off the loose end Zuko left," the Fire Lord says and Azula swallows. She does not like things happening that she did not predict.
"Anything, father," she says, trying to sound sweet but coming off as frightened.
"Your door was locked last night. You were with that circus freak."
Oh fuck me, Azula thinks.
Azula has no response. She always does ─ an excuse, a lie, anything to save her. Why is she so stupid? Reckless. Fucking reckless.
"It was a mistake," is all Azula says.
"Can I trust you, Azula?"
Her heart stops.
"After everything I've done... I saved your life yesterday. You must... you must." She walks towards him, forgoing formality. He does not look pleased with her outburst. "Why does it matter? A locked door? I..."
"Do you love her?"
"I don't... love anything. Except the Fire Nation..." Azula's face is as red as the flames in the throne room. "And you. I love you. I..."
"Break it off. She's a distraction."
He's jealous. I should have expected.
"I was using her," Azula says, the lie tangible, stepping back slightly. Her heart rate slows. "You know that don't you?"
"Don't let a petty excuse for a noble cost you your throne," Ozai growls.
The Fire Nation is so close she can taste it. Her father is right, even though she knows it stems from jealousy and not genuine concern.
She confronts Ty Lee with blazing hands.
[X]
"Did you... did you betray me because of that night?" Azula asks, trying to flex her toes and failing. Ty Lee is tidying up the house. Always likes to be doing something, that one.
"Azula, the throne of the Fire Nation was always the only love in your life. I'm not as dumb as I look." Ty Lee drops the rag into the bucket with a small splash. "I didn't do it out of revenge. I mean... maybe I was a little swayed. But I would have followed you to the end."
"If I didn't try to kill Mai?" Azula asks and Ty Lee nods. "Look, Ty Lee, he was jealous," Azula says, the words coming out of her mouth without her consent. "My father was jealous and I was afraid I would lose it all if I didn't comply. That was... how I liked to remember you. When I wasn't fantasizing about burning your face off."
"I appreciate you telling me that," Ty Lee says and Azula swallows. She had hoped for a better response. Honesty sucks.
"You know, there's more to me than just powerlust," Azula says, sounding a little desperate. She feels like an idiot.
"I know," Ty Lee says, dusting off a mirror. She looks into it and sees a strange expression on Azula's face behind her. "If I didn't know that, I wouldn't have given up my life to try to be with you. Be... there for you."
Azula is silent. She looks away from the mirror. Ty Lee does not.
"I just killed a guy, Azula," Ty Lee says. Honesty sucks.
"Yes, I saw you." Azula is puzzled. She does not understand the big deal. "I've killed lots of people."
[X]
Azula is locked in the Boiling Rock. It was here that her descent began, and it is here she rests after the hefty fall from her pedestal. She is locked in a cell with guards at it at all times. Her thoughts, oddly, rarely go to escape. She has... no purpose. Her life feels like it is slipping through her fingers.
Too dangerous. Has to go to prison or have her bending removed. Only five years. Maybe that will change her. Maybe that will break her in a way that doesn't make her violent and insane.
But prison does not change the hallucinations. Prison does not remove the bitter taste on her tongue she has when she longs for escape.
Two of the guards enter the room. She usually gives the silent treatment. She has yet to fight them, though she knows she could make it. She could do it.
But then she does it. Reckless, insane. She leaps forward and snaps one of the guards' neck. With a single burst of flame, she burns the other guard irreparably. And then she runs. She is so slow compared to how she once was ─ her body is already wasting away.
One blast here, another there, kick off, blue flame, on the next level. Run. Run. Freeze. A red flame flies past her and she dodges it, sending a crack of lightning in the direction of her assailant. It hits him through the heart.
She runs, trying to find her way out. She has been here so many times before, but her head is racing. And her heart struggles to beat. Her bones are already starting to protrude. She runs through the door and finds herself outside. It's hot.
And her plan dies. Plan, what plan?
She is grabbed from behind by arms stronger than her. The flames strike a few in her way, but they do not die. They drag her to her cell.
They hang her by her wrists, spread, unable to do anything. Her knees scrape against the stone floor. Her arms ache. She loses feeling in them eventually.
But she still recalls the guards that she slew, and she knows that inside of her, she still has strength.
[X]
"I never kill," Ty Lee says firmly. Unlike Mai and Azula, who slaughtered earthbending soldiers, Ty Lee only paralyzed them. She could not bring herself to take a life.
"Sometimes you have to," Azula says with a small, sigh, studying her nails.
They meet eyes, and then Ty Lee looks away.
