"Welcome back, Gentlemen," Agent Carter's silky voice greeted Captain America and the Howling Commandos as they returned to the SSR base beneath London. She was collected as ever, her hair in neat curls and red lipstick on. Steve had to look away, pretending to wipe dirt off his nose before she noticed. The men were straight from their mission, half-hearted attempts to get cleaned up were obvious. They wouldn't get a chance to truly relax until the full debrief happened, even after the long hours of travel to get back to base.

"The Colonel sent a message that you had papers for me," Howard Stark added as everyone sat at the meeting table. The man was sharply dressed as usual, wearing an expensive suit with razor creases. Sitting among the dirty soldiers made Stark look like a king amongst paupers. When Steve handed over the bags with files, the engineer immediately dug in, ignoring everyone else as he poured over the scribbles and numbers. He only stopped when a small vial rolled from Morita's bag and bounced off his hand.

"I don't even remember grabbing that," Morita said as Stark lifted the vial into the light. Inside the tiny tube were minuscule splinters, they were impossibly small fragments that reflected in the lamp light.

"I will have to do some tests to identify it and I will need time to look over these formulas as well." Howard stated, shifting the papers around into some sort of order.

Peggy rose from her seat, with everyone else rising in turn with proper etiquette. "In that case, I believe we may be able to postpone the briefing," she said, silently taking pity on the soldier's drawn faces. "Until Mr. Stark has analyzed the retrieved forms and when Colonel Phillips returns. He should be not far behind you. Until 0900 tomorrow, Gentlemen," With that, she spun on her heel and left the men silently in her wake.

One never knew how good a hot shower felt until there wasn't one. The Commandos broke with some sibilance of patience as they walked toward the dorms. The underground facility had some place to lie down as a breakroom, but there was not true living areas. So Captain America led the way to a private elevator that connected the base to a commandeered hotel above it. Steve completely removed his uniform jacket, folding it inside out and leaving him in a dark undershirt. He tried to be at least a little subtle.

Dugan broke the silence, "who wants to hit The Old Haunt, after we get cleaned up?"

"Nope, sleep," Morita answered. The short man leaned against the elevator wall with his eyes closed.

"Un verre dans le salon est un produit comme un dans la taverne." Dernier said. A drink in the room is a good as one in the tavern. The Frenchman was still having trouble with his balance after being so close to the blast. He did not think he would be able to make it to a tavern without being arrested for stumbling like a drunkard.

"Fine, we'll drink in, you geezers," Dugan relented, obviously disappointed. It was an ironic insult as he was the oldest Commando at 43. Dernier was not far behind him at 39, but the rest of the fighters were at least 10 years his juniors. Steve was, in fact, the youngest at the innocent age of 23.

In no time, the Assault team had showered and dressed in clean clothes. They sat in the sitting area of their private small suite. Steve had been offered his own room, but declined, preferring to room with Bucky and his team.

"Monty! Hurry up or Dugan will drink everything," Gabe called out.

When he did appear, Falsworth was his typical prime self. The Englishman was properly groomed and could rival Stark in finesse of his appearance. "Let him," he mused. "I have not had a proper cup of tea in too long," as he set the room's teapot up to heat. Dugan faked gagged and blew his lips at the statement, much to the amusement of the others.

In less than an hour, the men were filtering back to their rooms. It was late and exhaustion was catching up fast. Until Steve and Bucky were alone, sitting in silence. Bucky had not spoken much all night, brushing off the other's attempts to engage him. Without a word, he stood and headed to the room he shared only with Steve.

"Bucky, can we talk?" Steve asked quietly. He held his breath, not knowing how his friend would react. But this couldn't wait any longer, he's spent too much time on eggshells.

"I don't really feel like talking now," Bucky said softly, facing the other way. His voice was rough, either from fatigue or lack of use, Steve wasn't sure.

It was suddenly stifling in the room and the tension was building, "let's go outside," Steve suggested. He wasn't sure if Bucky would follow, but after a moment he did. Outside the air was cool and at this time of night they had the back garden of the hotel to themselves. Steve hesitated, he hasn't felt this uncomfortable talking to Bucky since when they first meet, many years ago. "You have always told me everything, please."

After a moment, Bucky finally said, "I can't protect you."

"What?"

"In the village, that's what you said. I can't protect you"

"You were hurt, Buck. Running into battle wasn't going to help. You had our backs with the Springfield."

"That's not the point." And suddenly the floodgates opened, "When did so much change? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost." Bucky looked up, with a pleading stare. "I – I don't know what to do if I can't even watch my best friend's back anymore."

Steve was silent. He knew the serum changed his life, but he never thought about how it would affect others in his life. Bucky was never one to share his feelings. But it always worked to wait him out when it came to sharing his opinions.

Bucky took a deep steadying breath, his eyes were red and he choked out, "I haven't been sleeping well." He said quietly.

"I know you haven't, Buck. What happened at the Hydra base isn't something-" Guessing wrong at his friend's distress.

Bucky gave a harsh laugh, looking at Steve with a fevered glint in his eye that the Captain had never seen in his friend's face before. It broke his heart that he had let this go on for so long. "I haven't had a good nights sleep since I shipped out." Bucky said. "This hell that they sent us to breaks men. The endless pain, blood, and death. Men starving and dying in mudholes in the ground, crying for their mothers. But what keeps me up at night is not the men I've killed. It's how easy it is and I'm good at it." Bucky was shouting now, tears running down his face, but he was also laughing. A broken, harsh noise that was so out of place on a man, who a year ago could charm any dame he passed with an easy smile.

"Buck," Steve started, but Bucky cut him off.

"Before leaving, I wondered what to do with my life. You know I suck at carpentry. I know I would go crazy in a factory. I'm pretty decent with cars, but you know the thing I'm great at," He asked with a deranged smile, sniffing strongly. "Being a murderer," He said, matter-a-factly.

"You think you're the only one?" the question came out of nowhere, both the men looked to the door to see Morita standing on the steps. "You think no one else has though the same thing?" The rest of the Commandos stood in the doorway behind him. Bucky immediately turned his back, desperately trying to wipe his face, burning with humiliation at the breakdown.

"It's okay, man," Gabe said. "It would be a problem if you felt fine after all of this."

"We have to fight to protect those that cannot," Falsworth added. "Hydra seeks to destroy everything."

Dugan spoke with a gentle tone, "I have a daughter." He chuckled at the surprised faces at his admission, "Her name is Annie and I will fight to Heaven or Hell to keep her safe."

"We must obligate," Dernier said in English.

"Obligate?" Bucky questioned.

Dernier clarified in French, unsure of the word he was looking for.

"Sacrifice," Steve translated, he rested a hand on Bucky's shoulder. Glad that it wasn't pushed away. "But you don't have to do this alone. I'm with you to the end."

Slowly, Bucky nodded and eventually everyone went back inside. Before the doors closed for sleep, "Thanks, guys." Bucky said to the Commandos. "Next round is on me."

"I will hold you up to that, Barnes," Dugan called back, followed by the other listing drink orders.

In bed, Steve starred at the ceiling, trying to restrain him from looking at his friend's form across the dark room. He was glad that Bucky was in a better place, with himself and with the Commandos. He knew that his friend wasn't great, but it was a start.

"Goodnight, Buck"

Bucky didn't answer, he was already asleep.

I poured this one out, all of the feels. Please let me know what you think and/or if you have ideas/requests. Just a little bit of Howard and Peggy, but there should be more of them sooner or later. And Bonus points to those that got my references.