Here's another one! I don't own Darksiders and thanks to detrametal! I feel I have to warn all of you (however many all of you may be) that it still gets a bit… vulgar near the end. So have fun with that!


I'd finally made it to Sammy's palace and was standing before the doors like they were the gates of Hell. Except they weren't because I was already in Hell. I'd had to banish Mayhem earlier when he had started whimpering and refused to go any further. Couldn't blame him really. If I didn't have a promise to keep I'd be hightailing it too. The things I get myself into.

But anyway, back to the problem at hand. "Do I knock?" I wondered out loud.

What was the proper etiquette for entering a demon prince's home? It seemed rude to just barge in but he is a demon so maybe he wouldn't mind. But he's also a mega demon so maybe he would. Either way, I would feel rude. And when I do go in - whether I knock or not - do I announce myself? Is there like a demon doorman that does it for me? Or do I just forego announcing myself and go until I find Sammy? But that brings me back to the question of whether I knock first or not. Am I stalling? Yeah, I'm stalling.

I finally decided to take the polite approach and knock first, go in, then announce myself if there wasn't a demon doorman. After that though I had to wing it but what else is new? Just as I was about to knock, the door swung inward. I was expecting a demon or something to be standing there but the doorway was empty.

Okaaay, this is classic horror movie. "Hello? Sammy? I think your house is haunted."

A deep chuckled resounded from deeper inside the palace. Just like that, all my plans went out the figurative window.

"Ya know what? Ya seem pretty busy. I'll just come back later. See ya then." I turned to leave but was lifted into the air by some unseen force. Meaning Samael was having his fun. "Really? Again? I hardly think that this could be all that fu-uck!"

Without any warning, as per frikkin usual, I flew through the doorway and didn't stop until I crashed through another set of doors and tumbled to a stop at the foot of Sam's throne. All the way on the other side of the palace. Let's just say that I had ample time to think about what a bad idea this was.

Amazingly, I stopped sitting up, if not a little dizzy. "Is it too much trouble ta just say 'come in'?"

"Little Hope," he chuckled from his throne, "what brings you to my realm?"

I stood, brushing the dirt off my clothes, "Oh, ya know, I was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by fer that chat. If ya didn't mind, that is."

"Of course not. What do you wish to 'chat' about?"

"How should I know? I ain't no conversationalist."

"Ask anything."

Anythin huh? "Wanna play chess?"

"What?" Sammy asked, sounding a bit surprised.

"I assume a mega demon such as yourself knows how ta play chess, so wanna? It'll be funner ta play while we talk than ta just sit here."

"And if I do not have a set?"

"Oh… didn't think o' that."

With another chuckled, Samael waved his hand and a round stone table and two chairs appeared in the middle of the room. On the table sat a chess set.

"Hey, ya do have one!"

"I never said that I did not."

"I know that. Ya only asked what if ya didn't have one. I ain't stupid Sammy." I went over then to study the chess set then. It had the normal black and white squares but the black pieces seemed to be made from obsidian while the white were made out of some kind of crystal. Picking up the black king for a closer look, I could see that it looked exactly like Samael. In fact, all the black pieces seemed to be modeled after the demons and the white pieces were modeled after angels.

The pawns were Phantom Guards and Angels. The rooks were Traumas and Angel Champions. The Knights were Abyssal Riders and Angelic Beasts. The bishops were Shadowcasters and Storm Wardens. And the kings were Samael and Abaddon. The queen pieces were the only ones that I didn't recognize. The black queen was some skank and the white was a robed angel with a staff.

I turned to comment to Sammy only to find him right behind me. Well that wasn't creepy at all. "These details are amazin! Whoever made this got your creepy ass smile perfectly. Where'd ya get this anyway?"

"A gift from one of the lesser demon lords. Shall we play, Little Hope?"

"Sure, I'll take black. Think it'll be funny ta see ya play as angels. Speakin o' which, you're gonna have ta get the white king redone since Abby's gone."

"As you wish." The mega demon answered, takin a seat on the white side while I took the black. I practically had to kneel in my chair to be able to reach the table. Stupid huge post-apocalyptic worlds.

"White goes first." I reminded him.

He moved his first piece - a knight - and I asked my first question. While we talked, we played. I'm just too lazy to put all the moves here.

"So what's your favorite color?"

"I do not bother with trivial things like favorites."

"C'mon man, everyone has a favorite color. Well, unless they're color-blind er somethin but don't think that's your case."

"There is no use for favorites when you outlive most things you come to like." He amended.

Well that was a depressing thought but he had a point. I'd never be able to enjoy my favorite songs, books, movies, and even foods again.

"But colors will last forever, ya cain't destroy 'em."

"You can destroy everything that is that color."

"Mayhaps but the color itself will still exist, ya just gotta find out how ta make it."

"Fine then little human. Orange." Somehow that didn't surprise me.

"See? Wazzat so hard?"

"Ask your next question." He chuckled. "And checkmate."

"Wha?" I checked the board and indeed my king was trapped. "Well damn that was fast. Alright, we're playin again." Reaching across the board, I started to reset the pieces.

"How many times do you wish to play?" Sammy asked.

"However many times we can until one o' us gets bored, I win, er… he comes."

"You mean Death."

"Yeah, I told 'im I'd be back later so maybe he won't come."

And so another game began.

I must admit that something had been bothering me for a while now. "Hey Sammy? How do ya know when ya… like someone?"

Instead of answering, the mega demon started to laugh, a raucous sound that I'm pretty sure shook the walls.

I felt like shrinking into myself and possibly disappearing forever. "Well fine. Just never mind then."

"You speak of Death again." He said after he finally stopped laughing. Good thing too, I don't think the building could've taken much more.

"N-no!" I yelled, my face probably giving me away. "It's someone else! Why the Hells would I like Grim?!"

"You cannot fool me, Little Hope."

"I don't know what you're talkin 'bout. But excuse me fer bein confused 'bout emotions I'm not used ta. Next question! What would ya do fer a Klondike bar?"

"Why do you ask such ridiculous questions?" he asked instead of answering.

"I find myself incapable o' bein serious most o' the time. It's truly a burden sometimes."

He chuckled, "Ask the question you're really here for."

So he knew. Not surprising really. "So Sammy, ya gonna fight Luci?"

"Yes, he has ruled Hell for far too long and has grown weak."

"So you're gonna kill 'im and take the throne."

"Yes."

"Shall we work together then?"

"What do you mean?"

"You, the Horsemen, Alina, and myself team up. I hardly think that ya need help ta take down Luci but it makes sense."

"How so?"

"Well, we're both tryin ta beat 'im. Fer different reason o' course, but our goal is the same so it's only logical."

"We shall see." He chuckled. "And checkmate."

"Dammit! Alright ag-"

The door swung inward revealing a… woman? It was definitely a woman, albeit demonic. She was also the one that the black queen was modeled after. Step aside Uriel, there's another whore in town.

She came sauntering up to the table with a small smile on her face. It was the kind of smile that suggested she knew something that we didn't or that something was going exactly according to plan. Frankly, I didn't want to know which one it was.

I didn't like her. And yet, I couldn't stop staring.

Once she got close enough, she held out her hand to me. "Lilith." She introduced herself.

I had the overwhelming desire to kiss her hand, to kneel before her and swear my undying loyalty and hope, no, pray that she accepts it. Instead, I dug my nails into my palm and focused on the pain before shaking her hand, "Hope."

She laughed and I felt myself falling back under whatever spell she was weaving.

Nononononono! Think o' somethin else! Someone else! Think o' Grim! Not entirely sure why but do it!

It sort of worked. Enough to keep me from drooling on the floor anyway. Then, I knew what I needed to do.

"If you'll pardon me fer a moment." I hopped off my chair and walked over to the nearest wall.

"Leaving already?" the whore asked.

"Nope, just knockin some sense inta meself." Putting both hands on the wall, I took a deep breath, pulled my head back, and slammed my forehead against the wall. Yeah, when I said I was knocking some sense into myself, I meant it literally. I stumbled back, feeling blood trickle down my face. Guess I hit it harder than I thought. I turned back to the two demons who were watching me with amusement, "Sammy, tell your whore ta stop tryin ta put her black magic on me!"

Lilith stalked over to me and cupped my cheek, "Poor thing, you've hurt yourself." Talk about being stuck between a rock and a skank.

I felt my insides melt at her touch but I shook myself out of it and slapped her hand away, "I thought I said ta stop that."

"Oh? A human that can resist my charms? How intriguing."

"Not completely," I answered through gritted teeth, "but enough ta keep myself from grovelin at your feet."

She looked as if she was about to say something else but then the doors swung open again, this time revealing Death. I'd never been so happy to see the Grim Reaper in my entire life.

I slipped from between the wall and the whore, "Grim! You're here! Great! Let's go!" Grabbing Death's hand, I tugged him along behind me. "Later Sammy. Let's play again sometime when your whore ain't here. I'ma totally kick your ass next time though!"

The doors slammed shut behind us but I didn't stop until we were outside the palace. Once there - and away from the queen bitch - I let go of Death's hand and fell to my knees.

I guess worried, he came to crouch in front of me, "What's wrong?"

I'm not sure what came over me but I started laughing. "Grim, we really gotta stop meetin like this."

"I'll try to keep that in mind." He answered dryly, pushing my hair out of the way to get a better look at my head wound.

Since it'd already healed, I slapped his hands away and wiped the blood off my face, "I never wanna see that bitch again."

"I'm surprised you managed to last that long against her."

"Gee thanks. But I know what I want and it ain't other chicks."

"What is it that you want?"

"None o' your bidness."

"Stubborn human." He mumbled.

Despite his words, I could hear the smile in his voice and I had the urge to take his mask off so that I could see it. Shaking my head to dispel the thought, I stood, "C'mon, let's get away from here."

He also stood and reached behind him to grab my note bag and handed it to me.

"Oh thanks. Did it answer your question?"

"Yes and then some."

Just how much did he read?

"I would like to finish them sometime." He continued.

"Er not." I shot back.

"Or so."

"Er not."

"Or so."

"Er fuck the Hells not." I just looked at him then. The challenge had been thrown down.

"Or fuck the Hells so." He answered, surprising me. The challenge had been picked up.

"Ooooh, you said a swear. That's bad. Shame on you."

"And you did not swear as well?"

"But I'm already damned so I don't really care."

"As am I." Was all he said. I started to wonder what he did to make him think he was damned. Then I remembered War said that the Horsemen had killed the rest of their race - the Nephilim - when they had tried to take Eden. That did seemed pretty damning to me.

"Fine, ya can read 'em sometime but in return I wanna hear your story."

"What makes you think I have a story?" he chuckled.

"Everyone has a story and I'm sure you're no different. But that's my deal. Take it er take it."

"No option to leave it?"

"Course not. But anyway, let's get back to the others."

So we summoned our mounts and rode back to the cave at a steady pace.

"Oh yeah, Sammy said he might help us fight Luci." I told Grim,.

"What?"

"I asked Sammy if he'd help us fight Luci since he's goin ta anyway and he said we'll see."

"I see…"

We finally made it back to the cave and banished Despair and Mayhem.

"But the fact that we gotta fight the devil in the first place is just… shit."

"What's shit?" Strife asked as we re-entered the cave.

"Your mouth." I answered automatically. I noticed then that he had taken off his helmet. He was pale with an angular face that was still handsome but so not my type.

Death looked from me to his brother, "Strife, I think Hope may be worse than you when it comes to foul mouthness."

"No way." Was his answer. "I take pride in being the most foul mouthed in this group."

"That's not really something you should take pride in Strife." Fury told him.

"Do I hear a challenge?" I asked the White Rider, ignoring Fury. "I betcha a thousand money souls that I can be more foul mouthed than you." Not sure where I'd get the souls but I'd work something out.

"You're on, little human."

"I am not little. I am average height fer a human woman and all y'all just huge, ya jackass."

"Little bitch."

"Man whore."

"Dumbass."

"Dumbshit!"

"Dumbfuck!"

"Bastard!"

"Fucktard!"

While this little swear war was going on, the other Horsemen and demon stood off to the side, looking appalled at the scene before them.

"Motherfucker!"

"Shithead!"

"Sukin syn!"

"What?" he asked.

"It's Russian fer son o' a bitch. Duh."

"How the Hell am I supposed to know Russian?"

"I dunno!"

"Speak the common tongue, little slut!"

"I don't even know what the common tongue is anymore! I could've been speakin demon fer all the fucks I know er give! Ya motherfuckin son o' a whore!"

Strife then said something in some weird language. It sounded like the language Big Red spoke when we got to the prison and met General.

"What? English motherfucker! Do. You. Speak. It?!"

"That was demon tongue."

I pointed at his mouth, "No, that's a Nephilim tongue."

"Stop being cute."

"I ain't bein cute, I'm bein smart. Ya want me ta be cute, I will get fuckin adorable!" I shouted, getting in the Rider's face.

"If you two are done squabbling like children-" Death butted in.

"Who the Hell're you calling a child?!" Strife and I yelled at the same time, rounding on the offender.

Death backed off and we went back to glaring at one another. Until I figured that enough was enough anyway.

"Well that was fun." I said, backing away.

"I'd say." He agreed.

The Horsemen and demon looked at us in surprise. War was the first to regain the power of speech, "What's going on?"

Smirking, we looked at them, "Y'all didn't think we were really mad at each other, didja?"

"Just a friendly foul mouth competition." Strife added, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

"It's what smartasses do ta mess with people. By the way, get your arm offa me."

He leaned down and poked my cheek, acting like an annoying older brother, "What's the matter? Don't like a little physical contact?"

"No, in fact, I don't."

"Bet you wouldn't mind it if I was Death."

"Hells no I wouldn't!... Wait…"

Strife busted out laughing as the rest of them just sort of gaped at me, or did their version of gaping anyway. Fury had her hand covering her mouth, Alina looked as if she was trying not to laugh as well, War just had his eyebrows raised, and Death… well he was just staring in surprise again.

I ducked out from under Strife's arm walked backwards towards the entrance of the cave, "Well, I'ma go before I embarrass myself further."

I turned to run out of there and promptly bumped into something. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay with the Horsemen, human?"

I backed up a step and looked up at Shadow Man, "Ya know what they say, third time's the charm."

"I believe this would be the fourth time."

"Then aim fer lucky seven?"

He chuckled, "This is one reason why you aren't dead yet Hope. You are far too entertaining to kill. But now it's time for you to go."

"Gee, thanks. But whaddya mean by that exactly?"

That's when I felt something weird around my feet and looked down to see a pool of darkness starting to swallow me up.

"What the Hells?" I looked over my shoulder to see the Horsemen and Alina sinking into the same black pit. "Grim!" I yelled, reaching for him. Strife was closer so it would have made more sense to go for him but… I dunno.

"Hope!" he shouted back, reaching for me. He was stuck in place though by the same darkness.

"Aw, how sweet." I heard Luci chuckle before I was swallowed up by the blackness.


This is just my luck. First a whore then the devil himself show up to ruin all my fun. Fuck them.

Getting real tired of this,

Hope


This is easily the best chapter I've ever written. But I still want that chess set.