Dan & Cam:
The Birds and the Bees.
Author: Amberfly.
Warnings: None, very vague.
The general sat at his desk and gently rocked back and forth in his chair.
The day had started out promising, but disintegrated into a hotchpotch of misunderstandings and recriminations. Doodling on a blotter, he asked himself, "What actually happened? How did I lose control so completely?" Rolling his chair back and switching off the lamp, Jack trudged up the stairs and figured it would all make more sense after a good night's sleep.
The nightlight in the hallway glowed softly, and softly padding past the boys' room, the general stopped and listened to his children breathing. Sighing, Jack crossed his arms over his chest and stood in the doorjamb to watch them sleep. As their tiny chests rose and fell, he felt a powerful stab of love for them. He whispered, "Okay, you little terrorists, you may have won the battle but you won't win the war."
Pulling the door shut, Jack muttered, "Who am I kidding… of course they'll win the war."
88888 888 888 88888 8888888
General Jack O'Neill's adopted boys were five years old. Freckled-faced, and gorgeous, Dan and Cam were a pair of lively and curious children. Jack adored them, and being the cagey and experienced daddy he was, constantly managed to wrong foot them.
Normally, but not today.
Today Daniel and Cameron had succeeded in leaving their canny parent speechless, his lean face beetroot red with embarrassment.
Today Jack had learnt the true meaning of 'out of the mouths of babes.'
Danny and Cameron were far too young to worry about the birds and the bees, so no one gave it any thought. Charlie hadn't lived long enough to be overly curious, as he'd been too busy chasing things like a hockey puck. Jack remembered when Charlie had been eight years old and Sara had thought it was time for a chat. Jack wasn't so sure, but bowing to her maternal wisdom, he agreed. He thumbed through the 'Talk to your Kids About Sex, A Go Parents Guide' and couldn't help squirming.
Later that day they called Charlie into the lounge for the big talk, and holding the book in a death grip, Jack opened it and cleared his throat a little nervously. "Charlie, you're eight years old now and there might be something that you want to discuss with us. Now, see this picture here…" Slowly and methodically, Jack and Sara explained the mysteries of sexuality.
Charlie listened politely and stared at the illustrations when prompted. Jack finally closed the book and handed it to his child. Smiling warmly and placing his arm around his skinny shoulders, he asked, "So, Charlie is there anything you want to ask us?" Waving his hand in the air in a vague circular motion and nodding at the book, he added, "Any questions?"
Charlie O'Neill flatly informed them he didn't want to have a baby and that girls give you cooties. Handing the book back after deliberately closing it shut, the little boy looked at both parents' faces, blinking innocent wide eyes at them.
Patting his dark blonde head and biting back a laugh, Jack O'Neill lowered his voice, whispering, "Smart move, Charlie-horse. Apparently you get stretch marks." Ignoring the groan and the punch to his arm, he took Charlie's hand and shrugged a shoulder, muttering to Sara, "See? Told you it was too early."
Dan and Cam were partially aware of their former lives, but as the weeks rolled into months, their memories dimmed, often becoming confused and scrambled. Occasionally Daniel would finger a translation request on Jack's desk, and squinting, would start to decipher the text. Nodding his head gravely, the general would sit his littlest archeologist down and encourage Daniel to record his findings.
Cameron occasionally shocked Jack by asking what he thought about a complex battle plan, and stammering out an answer he hoped would keep the child satisfied, the general deftly changed the subject.
Today at the mountain, the boys had one of those inexplicable but very scrambled flashbacks. Dan and Cam were as thick as thieves. Skirting one crisis after another, they happily egged each other on. Normally a quiet, thoughtful little boy, Daniel occasionally allowed himself to be caught up with one of Cam's outrageous ideas. This morning, Cammie's imagination had gone into overdrive, and unfortunately, Danny indulged his wild streak and went along for the ride.
The general was still on extended family leave, but naturally needed to report in regularly. Not particularly wanting to leave the boys and fly to Washington, Jack ordered files brought to Hank's office.
Captain Leonard missed the affable general and readily agreed to accompany any classified documents to Colorado Springs. A pretty redhead, the Pentagon Officer was viewed with instant suspicion by Cam. His imagination stirred and sidling up to his brother, he said, "Wot if she wants to marry Daddy and take him back to the Pentagram? What if they find a baby when they woke up, and Jack wants to be his daddy 'stead? With his arms crossed across his tiny chest, Cam said," He's our daddy, Daniel, and we don't want Cap'in Lemon-bum around."
Daniel listened to Cam and rolled his eyes. "Daddy isn't going to marry Captain Leonard, he wants to marry Sam. Remember? He told Teal'c yesterday that sometimes Sam reminded him of a nagging wife. Tapping his chin thoughtfully, Daniel wondered what that actually meant. Looking at his untied sneaker lace and sighing, said," I'd better ask them when we have lunch." Dreamily thinking about what he could order at the commissary, Dan didn't see his brother's fingers twitch until it was too late. Jumping with pain, Daniel glowered at his brother and cried, "Ow! Don't pinch me! Okay, I'll help you, but I think your nuts."
Cameron didn't bother answering Danny; he was just thrilled to have his pliable co-conspirator. Shaking his head wisely the little pilot confided to his brother that babies were bought for a dime from the cabbage patch man. Leaning in and cupping his hand to whisper, he added. "But the mommy and daddy hafta love each ov-fer." Snaking his arm around his wide-eyed brother's shoulders, Cam lowered his voice and said, "If she weren't so pretty, then Daddy wouldn't wanna to marry her." Eyes flashing with excitement the little fly-boy wriggled in anticipation. "Dan! I know! We jus haf to make her look ugleeeee!"
Dropping his gaze and shrugging off Cam's arm, Daniel moved back a step, wanting to think through what Cam said carefully. He wasn't sure, but it didn't sound quite right to him. He loved his brother, but knew his plans were seriously flawed. Several regretful incidents came to mind. Feeling his cheeks flush, Dan thought about the green stamp caper, and remembered how horribly wrong it had gone. Jack had only just returned their bikes and he didn't want to risk them so soon.
Daniel was a kind little boy and didn't want to hurt the captain's feelings. "We can't be mean to her, Cam." Scowling, Daniel demanded to know how Cameron knew Jack wanted to buy a baby for the captain.
Unfortunately, once the lieutenant colonel got an idea into his shaggy head, he threw caution to the wind, and Danny found it difficult to dissuade him. With a fleeting look of confusion on his face, the littlest colonel shrugged his shoulders and said, "Cos, she's pretty and Major Ferretti said sumfink about a babe."
Thinking hard and walking around the room, Daniel wrinkled his brow with concentration. "We're just going to have to make her so ugly Jack won't want to marry her and buy a baby for a dime."
Collapsing to the ground and sitting cross-legged, the little brothers plotted, planned, and finally decided on another ridiculous master plan. The worst thing they could think of was to coat her hairbrush and face creams with raspberry jam and bubblegum.
Recently, Cameron had one of his giant bubbles pop, sticking like glue to his hair and face. It turned into a drama of unbelievable proportions for the little family. His hair was baby fine and easily tangled, and Jack couldn't shift the gum. Shaking his head, the general knew it needed a barber's expertise. Cam hated having his haircut, and kicking and screaming, had to be carried into the shop. Shuddering at the memory, Cameron couldn't think of anything worse. "If she's bald, Daddy won't marry her!"
Daniel had his own bad memories running around his head. He loved food; it was his greatest passion. Mrs. Jones occasionally babysat the boys, and kindly left Jack a jar of her runny, homemade jam. Spying the delicious treat and wanting a taste, Danny lifted the jar over his face. He patted the bottom too vigorously, and the jam blobbed out covering his face and hair. The more the frantic little boy scrubbed at his face, the more it spread and stuck to him.
Looking at each other and remembering the disastrous bath and barber visit, Dan and Cam held hands and vowed to carry on. "Daniel, Daddy and Captain Lemon-bum could be finking 'bout a buying a baby! We hafta to hurry."
Looking around their quarters, the children waited for the sitter to run her chores. Leaving a sergeant at the door with explicit instructions to watch the boys, the Lieutenant hurried away. Promising the bulky marine they would sit and watch the DVD, the young and foolish marine stood outside the door.
Dan and Cam could not believe their luck. The VIP room stocked jams and honey in tiny jars, and Daniel painstakingly scooped their contents into a glass. Satisfied he had enough; Daniel wiped his hands on his windbreaker and ordered Cam his to chew his gum faster.
Chewing as much grape flavored bubble gum as they could cram into their mouths, the O'Neill boys' were armed and dangerous. With the precision of Hannibal, the tiny lieutenant colonel planned his next move.
Dan and Cam were mischievous children but they truly never meant any real harm. Looking at the sticky glass, and with mouths full of gum, they experienced a pang of uncertainty. What if the captain's lovely hair fell out? What if she cried so much she had an unfortunate but embarrassing accident at the barbers? What is she got soap in her eyes slipped under the water and practically drowned?
These were very real fears to the boys. The thought of sharing their daddy with anyone appalled them, and with childish insecurities, their memories played ducks and drakes with them. They remembered girls had babies, but not the specifics. Searching their memories, they pieced together the worst of old myths and fairytales.
Hearts beating loudly and their palms inexplicably sweaty, the little boys peeked through a crack in their door and waited until the sergeant who guarded them was distracted. Slinking into the hallway and into the adjacent VIP room, the boys looked around the room suddenly very unsure. Hearing the shower running, the boys grabbed the captain's brushes and cosmetics with grubby little hands. Bright purple gum sat in the middle of her cleansing creams, and her white, bone handled brushes, were dipped several times into the jam jar.
Captain Leonard turned the shower off and seeing the bathroom door handle moving, the miscreants realized they missed the opportunity to escape. Trapped in her room, the boys threw themselves behind the couch and tried to calm their ragged breathing.
Dan and Cam waited, crouched behind the couch for what seemed like hours. It had barely been thirty seconds, but to the little intruders the wait seemed to last forever. Finally, the young Captain walked out, toweling her hair singing softly, unaware of the Peeping Toms lurking behind her couch. Looking into the mirror and straightening an eyebrow, she grabbed her robe and sat at the dressing table.
The little intruder's nerves got the better of them, and breathing loudly, gave themselves away. Arching her perfectly plucked eyebrow, and glancing into her compact, the captain spied her visitors. Snapping the compact shut, she wondered what the O'Neill boys' were doing in her room. Rising slowly to her feet, Kat noticed her vandalized brushes and cosmetics. Leaning down to inspect her antique brushes closer, she frowned at their filthy condition. Picking up her favorite brush and gingerly sniffing it, she recognized the sweet smell of raspberry jam and honey. Following the sticky fingerprints, she twisted open her cold cream and wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Mm what's all this? Two bears of very little brain have been touching was doesn't belong to them, I fear." Biting back a laugh, Captain Leonard picked up her brushes and grabbing a wad of tissues, dabbed slowly at the jam. Waiting for the perfect moment, Kathryn whirled around, and with the bearings of an officer, she ordered the little airmen to show themselves. "Daniel and Cameron O'Neill front and centre this instant!"
Cam and Dan had dropped to all fours and peered covertly around the corner of the couch. Eyes widening with shock at the sound of their names, they twisted around hoping to see other boys called Daniel and Cameron.
Heart hammering and tears streaming down his face, Daniel rolled to his feet and edging around the couch, said, "Please don't go to sleep with my daddy. He doesn't want a cabbage patch because we've only got room for our cubby-house and swings." Gulping and waving his hands in the air, Daniel added miserably, "The stork might get all burnt up in our chimney!"
Trailing around the other side, Cameron swallowed loudly, and through his tears, asked in a small voice. S'cuse me, are you going to have a baby now? Have you been a mommy and daddy who love each ov- ver yet?"
Calling them over and kneeling down to face them, Captain Kathryn Leonard shook her head and gently asked. "Is this why you put jam and candy all over my things? Are you frightened I am here to take your daddy away from you?"
Nodding their heads and shaking with sobs, the little boys stood with their heads bowed, tightly holding onto each other's hands. Kat looked at the forlorn children and her heart melted. "Oh, children! General O'Neill is my commanding officer, that's why I'm here! I have a fiancé already and I am certainly not having a baby. Scooting closer and taking their hands, the captain asked very gently, "Do you know where a baby comes from and how they are born?"
Looking at each other and nodding their heads, Cameron explained. "A mommy and daddy hafta to go to sleep and when they waked up the baby is in the garden." Glancing at Danny who shrugged, Cam moved into Kathryn's embrace, and sniffing, added," The daddy hasta give the cabbage man a dime, and then the stork flied down the chimley."
Smiling and hugging the boys closely, Kat didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The innocence of the little boys touched her deeply. "Is that right? Who told you this?" Seeing vague looks settle across the boys' faces, the captain knew it was time to bring in the cavalry.
Knocking on the conference room door, Captain Leonard asked to speak to the general. Waving her in, General O'Neill smiled pleasantly and told her to take a seat. Shaking her head and asking for permission to speak privately, she lowered her voice and whispered in his ear that his children were sitting outside. "Sir, I need to talk to you urgently."
Tipping his head to one side, Jack listened carefully to the litany of his children's latest crime.
Jack couldn't believe it. He stared down at the squirming boys huddled miserably together on one chair and felt an overwhelming urge to throw his hands in the air and burst out laughing. Laurel and Hardy had nothing on his children.
Catching the amused twinkle in his adjutant's eyes, Jack forced himself to be a stern daddy. Hands on his hips, and tapping his foot, Jack repeated their crimes aloud. "Daniel, Cameron, did you leave your quarters unsupervised? "
Seeing the heads nod, he continued.
"Captain Leonard tells me she found you in her room, behind her couch, hiding? Is this true?"
The boys gulped, and with a tear running down their freckled faces, the little heads gave another tiny shake.
"And this is the worse crime of all. Children, did you vandalize the captain's good hairbrush and spit gum into her creams?"
Bowing their heads so their chins rested on the jam covered sweaters, Dan and Cam gave another tiny nod.
Glaring at his boys, he hunkered down to their eye level. Taking their hands in his, he asked with a deceptively calm and quiet voice. "Well, what have you got to say for yourselves?"
Behind the half-closed door, ears pricked up and wide smiles appeared magically across tired, bored faces. The long, stuffy meeting had suddenly taken an entertaining twist, and the required attendees were riveted. Suffering through boring reports, the thought of what Jack's little hellions might say proved irresistible. Hurriedly filling up their coffee cups and refreshing water glasses, the men and women of Stargate Command sat back. Waggling an eyebrow or wearing a silly smirk, they were ready and willing to be entertained.
Cameron gulped and took one-step backwards, leaving Danny alone on the Western Front. Biting back a fresh flood of tears, Danny saw his predicament, and his words rushed out in a jumble. Looking up at Jack's stern face with tear swollen eyes, Daniel's shoulders heaved with a sob while he stammered, "P-please d-don't be m-mad, D-Daddy, we d-didn't mean to make wreck C-Captain L-L-Leonard's junk. We just wanted to make her ugly so you wouldn't marry her.
Feeling sick, dizzy, and very confused, Daniel lowered his head and felt his tears run down his cheeks.
Audible gasps floated from the conference room and the room's inhabitants pretended to cough, sneeze or fart--anything to disguise their blatant eavesdropping. Holding his finger to his lips and making a slashing motion across his throat, Ferreti whispered, "Wait, the kids are just getting to the best bits."
Cam stepped forward and holding his hands demurely in front of him, sniffed miserably and then blurted out his deepest fears, "We knowed that if you sleep wif Cap' in' Leonard then you hafta to haf a baby. You don' want a baby does you, Daddy? You don't have any money for the cabbage man do you? Cos, we cost more than God. Please don't let a stork com down our chimley!"
The general stood up carefully, ignoring the click of his arthritic knee. Half shutting his eyes, he groaned, "Oh, for crying out loud." Hearing the echo of Major Feretti's whinnying snicker, he wondered how hard it would be to cancel the meeting, get into his truck, and drive to the Australian outback.
Grinning lamely at the officer young enough to be his daughter, Jack flicked his arm in the air and struggled to think of something profound to say. Coming up short, he felt the flush start at his neck and spread all the way to his ears. Taking her hand gingerly in his and patting it, the general tried his winning smile and said, "Captain, no harm. I apologize for my children; they are obviously a little confused." Wincing at her amused look, he dropped her hand and shrugged, mouthing, "Kids!"
Smiling demurely and looking at her perfectly buffed shoes, the captain said. "That's fine, sir. I'm sure you will explain to Daniel and Cameron where babies really come from. I'll get the brushes cleaned and give you the bill for my cosmetics in the morning." Saluting, and leaning down to the boys, the captain winked, and whispered, "I could use some new creams anyway!"
Regaining his sense of humor and calling out to the guffawing major to can it, the general studied the shattered faces of Dan and Cam. Stretching his arms out, he said, "Come 'ere." As the boys jostled with each other for front position, Jack realized that small children are by their very nature, tactless. They don't plan where or when to ask embarrassing questions, they just open their mouths and blurt them.
Looking down at the crying boys and kneeling down a little slower, he whispered that it was going to be okay and that he wasn't planning to have a baby with anyone. "Come on now, dry those tears, it's all just been a misunderstanding." Tweaking Cam's nose, he added sternly, "Except for the fact you left your room and then broke into the captain's.
We will have a bit of a chat after lunch, okay? Standing up and scratching at dried snot, Jack said," Then how about we discuss what happens to little boys who break into other people's rooms?
"No, Daddy, I rather we didn't."
"Me nee-ver, Daddy."
"Guess again, children."
Lieutenant Colonel Carter looked at the shocked faces around the conference room and burst out laughing. "Come now, gentleman, you must have some sympathy for the poor captain."
General Landry tilted his head and frowned half heartily at his grinning colonel. Shaking his head at her, he walked up to Jack and slapped him on the back. "Good to see you have everything under control, General."
With a nod of acknowledgment at Hank and a sarcastic tinge to his voice, Jack muttered, "Ya think, Hank?" Twirling his finger in the air in a circular motion, he added, "You knew something like this would happen, didn't you?"
Slapping his back again and shaking with silent laughter, General Landry shrugged elegantly. "So, Jack… time for the birds and the bees talk?"
Daniel and Cameron looked at each other and suddenly turned shy, barreling into Jack's legs. Rubbing their faces against his trousers and leaving trails of snot, the little boys looked up at their dad's face with wide eyes, and saw his wide smile. Completely confused and wondering why they weren't in desperate trouble, the small boys blinked and sighed with relief.
Shame faced and mortified, Danny just wanted everyone to go away. This had been another Dan and Cam disaster. Being an astute little boy, he knew there would be consequences to face. Hugging his dad tighter, Daniel vowed never to listen to his maniac brother ever again.
Cameron was more resilient and therefore not quite so mortified or shame faced. The moment the little colonel heard his daddy laugh, he knew they dodged a bullet. Smart enough to keep his head down; he burned with curiosity. He was determined to find out exactly where General Landry kept his birds and bees. Brown eyes gleaming with mischievousness, Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell looked over his shoulder, and peered hopefully into the general's office.
