Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight
I had spent the last hour 'reading' Romeo and Juliet.
Just. Great.
My jaw clenched and I knew they knew I had figured it out, but didn't care. I sprinted upstairs and tried to flee the thoughts of my beloved.
Like always I couldn't.
***
November
Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.
Something underneath me— paper maybe? —crunched. I fidgeted again, too stubborn to let the noise get to me.
Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.
The paper shifted under me once more. Maybe it was Emmett's idea of a joke to slip a note onto my couch when I wasn't looking, seeing as I didn't come out of my room much anymore. I didn't see the point. Annoyed, I slid over to see what kind of joke he thought was funny. As I moved the sound followed. I reached for my back pocket and wondered how he could have gotten it in there without me noticing. Pulling out the piece of paper I examined it. I wish I hadn't.
From the glance I saw it was a happier era. So much so that I couldn't grasp what it felt like now. For a second I wondered if it had actually happened. But the accompanying memories proved it true. I quickly looked away from a smiling Bella, Alice, and I. How could I not notice this about this? Had I been to for gone in my anguish to see the remembrance so close to me? The dreaded night I slipped it in my pocket, I knew I was leaving, and yet I was without a car and left it there. It made me wonder what else I was careless about…
No, I couldn't think like that. It's been almost two full months, she's moved on.
I thought about burning it, getting rid of the reminder all together. But I couldn't do that, nor did I want to. The idea of seeing Bella again was devastating yet secretly thrilling. Devastating because I vowed never to go back to her, so if I did get to see her, we would be dead and obviously in heaven. Not like that's a possibility for me. Thrilling because we were miles apart, but yet she has been in my head every second of every day, and any other clear reminder of her is a bitter sweet thrill. I loved what I saw but I can never have it. Only sit here covet it like the monster I am.
As much as I wanted to, I didn't allow myself to look at the brown-eyed beauty in the picture. All I had was that one glimpse and it almost had me running back to her. Carefully, I set the picture face down with a trembling hand on the side table in my room. Oh God, it still had her scent on it. How could I not notice that? The strawberry-freesias, tangy sweet scent was dull and faded, masked with my own aroma and laundry detergent. Yet it sent my mind through a whirlpool of action. It was worse than the fateful day in biology, because then the addict was just being introduced obsession. Now he was over due for another dose.
"Oh…my…God," I think I managed to croak out along with Bella's name a couple of times. The trembling in my hand now spread to my back and shoulders until my whole torso was shaking.
"Edward?" Carlisle called while his footsteps were fast approaching. I didn't respond, he knew where I was. Instead I controlled on getting the ferocious trembling of my upper body down to a minimum. "Edward?" he asked again nervously when he saw my state and swiftly sat next to me on the couch.
At least he's moving now…
"Carlisle…" I breathed.
"Yes? Son what is it?"
"Bella," he looked around and noticed her faint scent also. Carlisle's eyes narrowed on the picture, picked it up and looked it over. It seems the odds are against him, he thought to himself, it didn't stop my shudder.
"Do you want me to get rid of it?" he asked.
"No!" I practically yelled, "Just, not here." He understood and stood up and took the picture in a second I heard a draw close and he was back by me wavering side.
Oh my, I can barely stand to watch this, he thought.
"You don't have to see this…me," I said after hearing his thoughts. He chuckled one grim humorless laugh and simply said, "What kind of father would I be if I didn't?"
That surprised me. I had always thought that Carlisle had been my father and Esme had been my mother. If you'd asked me, even presently, that's what I would've said. But I hadn't thought it about lately; there hadn't been much on my mind except one person. I groaned and Carlisle looked at me startled. "Come, hunt with me." His offer was more of a demand. I didn't have the motivation to argue because honestly, I didn't do much with my existence anymore.
"Okay." I nodded and we took off. Carlisle said little to others as we left and I said nothing. He remained silent until we had feasted enough to numb the burn in my throat I had forgotten was there. It wasn't until the sun was about to peak over the horizon—and unusual thing for Alaska—that he sat me down to talk.
"Edward, how are you? Truthfully,"
"I'm—"
Edward, it's just you and me here. You don't have to lie for Esme's sake now. He knew me too well, but I still didn't want to worry him.
"Fine," I replied, he raised one eyebrow skeptically. "Terrible," I mumbled, and it was a while before he settled his thoughts.
Tell me what I can do to help, he pleaded.
"Nothing," I replied, too honestly. His face dropped and I looked into his eyes. He was frowning and looked dejected. For God's sake! I was hurting Carlisle! I really wasn't doing this family any good, just another burden. I had to take myself out of the equation.
So I'll leave, because that's all I'm good for these days, leaving.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I'm not doing you any good—this family any good. I don't want to see everyone like this. I need to do something. I have to leave," I had expected the words to come out as awkward and regretful has when I left for my 'rebellion' period. They didn't though, I knew I will miss them, but it seems I don't have strong ties to anything anymore.
Carlisle thoughts also flashed to that time, decades ago. I knew he would let me, he did then he will now. It doesn't mean that stopped his sigh.
Edward you don't have to leave, we want you here, he told me. I snorted.
"I'm not blind, Carlisle, I've seen the look on Jasper's face when I'm to close, or Esme when she lingers by my door. I need to go," I said stubbornly, forcefully.
It doesn't surprise me, I suppose. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep up that routine. "Where will you go?" he wondered out loud. I hadn't even thought about that; what would I do? Traveling wouldn't hold my interest, nor would visiting another clan. I ran through a couple more ideas but nothing seemed to be good a distraction. Maybe I could go back, just to check on her… No, I couldn't do that to her. She promised she would be safe, and I trusted her.
But that didn't stop the reminders of all the life threatening things that has happened to her. Tyler's van, Port Angeles, me, the tracker, it made me feel a little at ease knowing that I had eliminated them all. Except for…Victoria.
From the short time I read her thoughts she relied on James completely. She had no doubt that it was possible for her to lose, and although I didn't catch any hateful thoughts toward Bella personally, as I did from James, she still pursued her, with fierce determination and didn't choose the way Laurent did. And for threatening Bella, she had to die, too. It was a perfect distraction too. I could track—something I've never done before—and take care of Bella.
"Victoria," I hissed thinking of the new plan.
Here? Carlisle thought frantically and I shook my head vigorously.
"No, she'll be gone soon," I growled.
I'm sorry son, I'm afraid I don't follow your train of thought.
"That's what I'll do, I'm going to track Victoria," I explained.
And kill her? he frowned.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Carlisle, but it's something I have to do. I can't let that risk be out there, since last spring…"
"I understand." he cut me off. Still not completely at ease with my decision, I was grateful for the respect Carlisle gave me. He let do things my own way when I found necessary.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Are you leaving now?" he asked.
"No, I think I should say goodbye first, I need to gather some things before I go," he nodded and we decided it was time to go.
Alice was waiting for me when I arrived home.
You're leaving? she thought.
"Yes," I replied.
To hunt Victoria.
"Yes."
That's stupid, she grumbled.
"What do you suppose I do then?" Once I said those words I wish I hadn't. Apparently I left my filter with my heart too.
Go back to her, she demanded.
"You know I can't do that," I argued.
Yes you can, countered Alice, and you will, eventually. Then I'll get my best friend back.
"I told you not to look," I growled back.
I don't need to. I wouldn't admit to her how true her words were.
"Alice, this may be one of those times where I am willing to take a bet with you," I bluffed, my words going out of my mouth before I could think about them. Alice snorted.
Good luck with that, she thought, and instead of walking away, plopped down on a couch awaiting my announcement. I was about to open my mouth but Jasper and Emmett walked in to see me out of my room, followed by Esme, Rosalie and Carlisle.
They all sat down and looked expectantly at me.
You came out of your room? For what do we owe this honor? spat Rosalie.
I can't believe he went hunting without me! Emmett was pouting.
The agony and sorrow, it's still there and has strong as ever. But there's something behind it, determination maybe? I heard from Jasper.
The look in Carlisle's eyes, and Edward's too! I have a bad feeling about this,thought Esme. She always had a mother's intuition.
"I'm leaving," I blurted, once again not thinking about what I was saying.
I swear if that idiot makes me move again…Rosalie almost started to snarl.
No, I can't lose my son again, Esme thought and I felt horrid for doing this to her. But it was going to make her other four children as happy as before. In the end it would be for the best.
Where? "Where?" asked Emmett.
"I thought I would try my hand at tracking," I admitted.
"Tracking who?" it was Jasper that spoke this time.
"Victoria. I have to do something to make sure she's okay." They all knew who I was talking about.
"Awesome! I am so going! That James didn't put up much of a fight. This will be better than any grizzly," Emmett was smiling eagerly like a kid on Christmas.
"I'm sorry Emmett, I have to do this on my own," I apologized and watched his grin fade into a frown.
"C'mon Edward, I can't miss out on this," he whined.
"I'm sorry, Emmett," I repeated again coldly. There must have been something in my eyes that told him no because he didn't ask again. He just sank deeper in his chair and sulked. Can't do anything fun with my kid brother anymore.
Jasper felt terrible about being relieved. He wanted to see me happy but found it comforting that he wouldn't have to drown in my emotions. If only it were that easy for me.
Edward, please, don't leave us again, what can I do to make you stay? Esme's thoughts were similar to Carlisle's.
"I don't think there's anything you can do. I need to do this," I looked at her.
We'll miss you, it won't be the same without you here.
"It's for the best," I told her, but she disagreed in her mind.
You will call, won't you? she asked.
"Yes," I said not promising a number.
Promise me you will come back, she demanded.
"Yes, of course," I said trying to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach that said I was lying.
When are you leaving?
"As soon as possible, I'll need some things. My wallet, my phone, then I'll go."
"Why so soon?" She frowned.
"The sooner the better" I muttered, going to gather my supplies with one little shred of hope that this distraction will work because nothing else has.
A/N: Aww poor Esme. Please review!
Reviews=happy author. Happy author=faster chapters!
BN: does Edward seem emo to anyone?
