It's been two weeks since the talk with Galina, he's been living at Seth's since then, as his girlfriend is out of town but she's coming back tomorrow and Roman figures it'd be better to find some other place to live before she comes back. But as of now, it's raining and it's cold in his room as he listens to droplets of water pelt his window. It's roughly 3 in the morning and Roman can't sleep. He's been lying in bed, twisted up in his sheets, staring at the ceiling fan go. His skin feels uncomfortable and his body is strumming with a kind of energy he doesn't know what to do with. He doesn't have the energy to actually get out of bed, but it's a near thing. The blades spinning above his head are calming to watch and his mind goes blissfully numb as he focuses on keeping his eye on one specific blade as it goes in circles. He starts to feel a bit dizzy and has to look over at the wall.
His eyes fall on his dresser in the far corner and can just make out the pictures in the frames that adorn it. There's a picture of Seth, him, and Dean with gelato all over the place, sitting in a small cute shack a few summers back when they'd decided to blow their money and take a few days to tour Venice and soak in the culture. They'd gotten lost in the winding streets and the center of the small town had made the sweltering heat sticky on their skin. The little gelato place they'd found along the street was a God send and they'd decided that a picture of the mess they'd made would be the best way to remember the day. Roman smiles and tries to snuggle further into his covers, but the sheets twist too tightly around his torso and he feels like he might suffocate.
Roman stretches and tries to stop thinking about Dean. It doesn't work. He'll never admit it, not even to Seth, but he's thought of Dean every day since the night he realized he's in love with him. Sometimes, Roman is thankful for Seth's silence. Sometimes Roman will be listening to the radio and a song will come on that will make him think of Dean, and he will try to be all subtle and change the radio station, and Dean will make a noise of protest from the backseat because it's his new favorite song, and Seth will stay quiet and reach over and squeeze Roman's shoulder as if to physically remind him to stay in the present. Seth never says anything, and Roman rarely shares.
Roman sighs, trying to push out all the old memories with one solid breath. God, he's pathetic. He hasn't felt this emotional over anyone in years.
Roman walks out of his room and makes sure to avoid the creaky spot on the floor as he passes Seth's room. He sees Seth's jacket draped over a kitchen chair and rifles through the pockets until he's got his hand around a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. The house has a small balcony, enough room to stand, and Roman can see the rain falling in through the glass door that leads outside. It's stupid and pathetic and really just a scene for the movies, but he walks out onto the balcony and lets the rain wash over him. It takes a few tries, but the lighter eventually lights the cigarette and Roman takes a long, even puff. He's not normally a smoker, but he's been at it for a few days now and tonight he enjoys the feeling of the heavy smoke sliding down his throat and burning his lungs.
Roman starts to shiver but can't bring himself to leave. He deserves this. He wants the rain to wash away the memory of Dean. Maybe some nights, this is what Dean felt like, maybe just a little, chest feeling tight and heavy, throat clenching around words he'll never get to say.
Roman shakes his head to rid himself of that memory and takes another drag. He tries to blow a smoke ring and fails. He's never been able to get the hang of it. He watches the smoke curl itself through the atmosphere and sink in.
Thinking back, it probably should have been a sign to Roman that this was going to tear him to pieces, split him into fragments.
The rain has mostly stopped by the time Roman hears the door open behind him. He glances up, shivering from the cold, to see Seth looking at him. He doesn't give him any pitiful looks or anything. He's just studying Roman, eyes roaming over Roman's face. He comes to sit down beside him and drapes an arm over Roman's shoulder to pull him closer. Seth reaches out and grabs the pack of cigarettes that Roman had stuffed into his pocket so he could hide them better next time. He hated seeing Roman smoke, he never said it, but Roman knew.
Seth puffs relentlessly, not waiting to enjoy the smoke filling his lungs before he exhales, and Roman watches the smoke float over his face. Seth only smokes like this when he's on edge and Roman suddenly feels even more horrible because he's dragging Seth into his personal mess once again. Seth smiles and blows a perfect smoke ring in Roman's face. Bastard.
It's a long time before Roman can move his tongue and keep his teeth from chattering, even being pressed against the comforting warmth of Seth's side.
"Why am I so pathetic?" Roman asks into the fabric of Seth's t-shirt.
"You're not pathetic," Seth says. He takes another drag, this time trapping the smoke into his lungs for an extended beat before exhaling with a sigh. "It's Dean."
It's so simple. Those two words: It's Dean. The meaning behind them could be the inspiration for poems. The phrase states everything that's wrong with Roman. Dean is the first person he ever loved so much that it physically hurted him. He loves him so fiercely that sometimes he couldn't even see straight, and it was the most terrifying and rewarding experience of his life. He's never loved anyone as much as he loves Dean.
"Do you think he loves me?", Roman asked. Seth sighed, "Of course he did."
"Did?", Roman turned to look at him.
"Roman, it's been a long time. He told me he's over it, he's dating now, and I don't know what his stance is anymore.", he was being honest.
"What do I do now?"
"All you have to do is speak up. Tell him straight up. Don't beat around the bush, which you tend to do lately, so, just a heads up.", Seth side-eyed him, "Tell him you love him, be honest; that you want to be with him, stay with him, live your life with him, and whatever else it is."
"Was it real?", Roman asked, his voice almost inaudible.
"Are you really asking that? Of course it was real, because if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else but he still did it. Now you know."
And that's all Roman needed to hear.
The next day, Roman's fingers shake as he knocks on the door. It takes a few moments, but he can hear someone walking around on the other side of the door. When it opens, Dean's standing there in low riding flannel pants and a grey shirt. He looked so gorgeously soft-looking and Roman really wants to kiss him silly.
"Hey, Ro. What's up?", Dean smiles, and God, Roman thinks he's falling in love with him deeper as every moment passes by. He doesn't remember the last time Dean smiled at him so genuinely. Maybe Dean actually is over the whole situation. Well, Roman's timing isn't the best, then.
"Hey," Roman croaks out.
"What are you doing here?" he asks, voice soft.
"I'm here to see you, actually."
"Come on in, then."
Roman made his way in, they sat down, had a few drinks, just talked about random stuff for hours without bringing up anything that happened over the span of the last few months, and both the men were thankful that they were back on good terms. It felt like old times. They missed this.
Until a moment later, when Roman decided he told Dean about the rest of the story.
"I told Galina everything", Roman said, staring intently at the bottle in his hands.
"What?", Dean looked at him in surprise.
"I told her about us."
"Why would you do that? There's no way she would've found out."
"I didn't want to lie to her anymore. I had to take responsibility for my actions regardless of what the consequences would be. I learned that the hard way.", Roman said, Dean knew what he was referring to.
"What did she say?", Dean asked, not knowing what the best response to that was.
But Roman didn't answer.
"Roman.", Dean said sternly.
"We're getting divorced."
"What?", Dean definitely didn't see that coming, "Are you serious?"
"Yeah"
"Come on, man, it's you guys. You two can make it work. I know she'll understand if you tell her it didn't mean anything."
"She offered to work through this,"
"And?"
"I didn't want to, I wanted out."
Dean was confused, like, really confused.
"Roman, are you hearing yourself right now? She's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Why would you let her go away without putting up a fight?"
Dean wasn't lying. Back when Dean didn't have feelings for Roman, he always believed that Roman and Galina were an almost perfect couple. That they were both lucky to have found each other, and he always rooted for them.
"Because she asked me to choose between you and her."
"What does that even mean?", his mind was muddled.
"She asked me who I would pick if I had to choose between having any one of you in my life. It was either my wife or my best friend."
"That's crazy, Ro. She wouldn't do that."
Dean had a hard time processing all of this. He could manage back to being just friends with Roman, but to quit being friends with Roman; Dean couldn't imagine that. He can't imagine his life without Roman. It just didn't sound right.
"Why wouldn't she? I cheated on her with you, I think she had the right to ask me that", Roman said with a little chuckle.
"But then why didn't you choose her?"
Dean is not sure why he asked that, maybe he just wanted to know why Roman would prioritize him over his marriage.
"Because I found out that maybe she isn't the best thing that's ever happened to me", Roman started, then trailed off... "Perhaps you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
Dean wasn't sure whether he heard that right.
"Roman, listen to yourself. She is your wife, she's a lot more important than a best friend. You can't give up so easily", Dean just didn't want to be the reason why a beautiful marriage failed. There was no way she would've made him stop being friends with Dean for real. Or maybe she would. He was the villain in the situation, anyway.
"I'm in love with you.", Roman decided to announce.
"You what?", Dean asked, it's not even a whisper, it's a breath.
"When she told me to choose between the two of you, I just couldn't think of a life without you, whereas I could picture my life without her, and to me, that spoke volumes. I love you, Dean, I fell in love with you somewhere along the way, and I don't want to feel any other way,", Roman breathed, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You were my best friend and my lover, and I don't regret a single moment of it. You made me feel alive again.", Roman looked at Dean, waiting for him to say something.
It's so, so fucking quiet in the room.
Dean was speechless. Everything he was trying to escape is coming back at him.
"I really hope you're joking right now.", Dean said, after a long silence.
"I'm dead serious."
Roman gently placed his hand on top of Dean's hand and just held him. It felt good; it felt good to finally be so close to Dean again. Roman was thanking his stars that Dean didn't move his hands away. But that didn't last too long, as after a moment of staring at their hands placed together, Dean suddenly moved his hand away and got up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Roman.
"Well, in that case, fuck you, Roman.", Dean snapped, "Does this look like a fucking game to you? That you can just come in here and tell me you love me according to your own convenience? I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way." Dean shook his head.
"Dean, I know I took too long but - "
"No, Roman. Just, no. You don't get to say that anymore, I spent six months of my life crying over you and right when I'm about to close that chapter of my life, you come in here and tell me you love me? This is not a fairy tale, Ro. I'm not your happy ending. You fucked up your marriage; you have to deal with it. I'm sorry you fell in love with me or whatever it is. But you'll have to work through it yourself. I don't know what you planned on back then, but after how things ended, you made me feel like I was unlovable, you didn't have to tell me that out loud but the message was received loud and clear. I have been hearing that all my life, but I never thought I'd ever experience it coming from you. So, please I don't want to go back to that. You took away my happiness from me, and I don't have much left in my life anymore, but take it, whatever you want, it's yours. Go ahead; destroy it all if you want."
Nothing is worse and more hurtful than a happiness that comes too late. At this point, no one realizes this better than Dean. It gives no pleasure, and it deprives you of that most precious of rights - the right to swear and curse at your fate. Dean has nothing to complain about from his life anymore, he wanted Roman to love him and now, here he is, confessing his love for Dean and the only thing Dean can think is, it's just too fucking late now.
"What are you even talking about? I'm not here to destroy anything; I'm here to fix things. You know I would never ever make you feel unlovable intentionally, I wouldn't do that. All I want is one chance.", Roman looked at Dean with hope.
"No", he let out quietly.
"What?"
"I don't want to go down that road again, I dealt with my issues alone over the last few months, and I'm finally over it. But you never, not even once, came to my rescue. So, don't, just don't, drag me down with you again." Dean said, looking Roman straight in the eyes.
"Dean, don't be like that. I'm sorry for what I did and for all the pain it caused you, if I could, I would take it all back. But I really want to do this. I want to be with you", he pleaded.
"But you can't fucking take it back, can you? I went through hell and back, my life was put on a fucking hold just because I was trying to get over you. Sure, I fell in love with you, that wasn't your fault, I'm not blaming it on you, nor did I ever tell you about it because you had a love life I didn't want to interfere in, and now I'm expecting the same from you. Don't bring this to me, I finally have a love life and I don't want you to interfere in it. We just got back to being friends, and this is what you come and tell me.", Dean let out a little laugh.
"Dean, you have to understa-"
"There were things I wanted to tell you back then. But I knew they would hurt you or put you in a bad situation. So I buried them, and let them hurt me", Dean said, impassively, "Roman, I beg you, please let this go. For the last time, don't drag me down with you. Just leave."
Roman contemplated whether to leave or not, but he didn't have anywhere else to go. Galina was at their house, nor does he want to go back to Seth's because he doesn't want to bother him and his girlfriend. Might as well take a shot here.
"Dean, can I ask you for a favor?", Roman asked, scared. Not wanting Dean to lash out.
"What is it?", he replied, rather calmly.
"Can I stay here until we hit the road? I'll take the couch, that's all I need."
He knew Dean probably wanted him as far away from him as possible so he wasn't really hoping for anything positive.
"Why?"
"Galina is at the house and I figured she-", he was cut off by Dean, "Sure, stay for as long as you want", he said, with a little smile on his face.
"Thank you.", he really was thankful, especially after that little outburst, he didn't think Dean would allow him to stay.
"Come on, I'll show you to the spare bedroom.", Dean offered.
"It's fine, I don't want to be too much of a hassle, I'll be fine bunking on the couch."
"You're enough of a hassle already so you might as well take that bedroom.", Dean stated, as a matter of fact. "Plus, you don't want to cause harm to your back sleeping on the couch, so get your stuff and let me show you to the room. Did you bring any stuff?"
"Yeah, it's in the car", Roman couldn't help but smile at how caring Dean was being after what just happened. "Thank you, again".
"Don't mention it, it's not like I'm a stranger."
Well, here's something Roman could work with.
So now he and I are "friends" - not best friends, not with benefits, but just memories, Roman thought as he hit the sack for the night. This was going to be a long ride, but Roman was ready for it. I just listened to someone give up. Someone I know—someone I'm in love with. Maybe I am too late, Roman kept thinking.
A/N - Dun dun dun, confessions everywhere.
FYI - I'll post the next chapter in about a week, it's my birthday weekend so I'm going to take a few days off.
But anyway, let me know what you think about this. Favorite, review, message me, or wherever, just let me know! Thank you for reading and for all the kind words!
