I didn't think it was possible to get MORE feedback and reviews than I was already getting, yet I had more alerts and e-mails from last chapter than all of the others… O_O you guys are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

You know you write too much LOTR fanfiction when Microsoft word automatically corrects Luthien to Lúthien and Glorfindle to Glorfindel.

Oh, and I've been told I should put a warning at the top of these chapters: please refrain from consuming liquids while reading this story. Thank you.


Idea submitted by Robbie the Phoenix

Dear Elrond

In an effort to stay my coming demise, I have diverted from canon and abandoned the Halfling. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the foul wretch Gollum, who immediately snatched me up from the ground as I attempted to flee.

I would like you to know that I hold you personally responsible for this turn of events, as if I'd just been left in peace to corrupt the previously mentioned Halfling's mind, none of this would have happened.

That being said, a little assistance would be appreciated. I believe we're somewhere near Shelob's cave, but I can't be certain as Gollum's constant dancing about has left me a tad disoriented. Again, assistance would appreciated; I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate Gollum talking to--and--about himself. If this goes on much longer I won't be responsible for my actions.

Despairingly
One Ring to Rule Them All

***

Dear One Ring,

Well, maybe if you had rolled faster this wouldn't have happened. Listen, I can't offer you a Halfling but I can let you try to corrupt a fangirl. Willingly, in fact. Take your pick, we have plenty to spare should you accidentally kill them.

I am more than willing to take full responsibility for such "unfortunate" events and will send out a search party to retrieve you immediately. Please stand by.

Lord Elrond


Dear Elrond,

I've done something stupid. You see, I was fighting this kid Luke and it was just getting intense when we started shouting at each other. Now, you know how fights like that go; first they say something that makes you angry, and then you reply and really wish you hadn't said it…

Well…I accidentally told this kid I was his father, when in fact I'm…not. His mother (who, along with her husband, are dead now) and I did date for a while, but it ended before it got too serious. I've always imagined what it would be like to have married her and fathered this child (he's really quite a sweetie, he would have been much more evil had I raised him) and I guess I just got wrapped up in the old feelings I had for his dead mom.

Well, anyways. What should I do? He seemed upset after I told him, but then again taking a statement like that back is a pretty emotional thing.

Darth Vader

***

Dear Darth Vader

That really was stupid. You should be ashamed of yourself. But, nevertheless, you should tell him you were wrong and try to apologize. You mentioned his parents were dead? Perhaps you could become his foster father (it really is quite rewarding. You don't have any immortal daughters, do you? If so I would advise against this.) and really get to know Luke before it's too late.

Best of luck to you!

Lord Elrond


Idea submitted by Nieriel Raina

Master Elrond,

I regret to inform you that the scroll of the Lay of Lúthien is missing from the archives. Last I saw it, Estel was reading it with enthusiasm and practicing how he pronounced Tinuviel. Also, I found something that appears to be a ladies undergarment in a darkened alcove of the library. As Arwen has recently returned from Lórien, and is currently the only one (that I am aware of at least) (Thank Eru) to wear such...skimpy attire, I thought you should be made aware. I should also mention Estel was last seen in the library as well. I do not wish to jump to hasty conclusions, but the evidence is not weighing in his favor.

On the other hand, I also passed Lord Glorfindel in the corridor outside the library last evening when I left. Is it possible he has taken to wearing thongs?

Sincerely,
Erestor

***

Dear Erestor

Unfortunately, it is definitely possible that Glorfindel has taken to wearing thongs, but we won't get into that.

I shall have to have a talk with my foster son. If I won't be sleeping tonight, he won't be. Thank you for passing along this message, and I'll be sure to tell him who did.

Lord Elrond


Dear labradorite,

Please make me half-Elven so I can work in Imladris with Erestor? I really don't mind hard work if I love it. (I love books - I used to be standing in the bookstore for hours at the mall when I was much younger; so much so, my parents had to drag me out of the store begging for another 5 minutes!)

Pretty, pretty please? I won't even ask for an elf in chocolate or anything else thereof.

Very sincerely, a devoted fan of this story and so looking forward to your reply as well,
Vanime18431

***

Lord Elrond graciously allowed labradorite to draft her reply to his letter, though he was fuming a bit at not being mentioned.

Dear Vanime,

The only way for us to turn into Elves (full ones, at that!) is to kidnap one, drizzle them in chocolate and have our way with them. I suggest we begin immediately.

Or you can take the Mary Sue route and turn into an elf after you've transported yourself to Middle Earth. I care not which you choose, but I'm going to partake in the first right now.

Thanks for your letter!

labradorite

P.S. I've told Erestor about your request and he is quite enthusiastic about it. Particularly the part where he has more free time to torment the twins and Glorfindel.

P.P.S. Elrond likes to pretend to be outraged at how we cover our elves in dessert sauces, but he secretly likes it. Don't let him fool you for an instant.


Dear Elrond,

I apologize for the condition of the letter that I sent. You see, I am stuck in Rohan's dungeon and the only paper that I had available was this piece of toilet paper that was stuck to the bottom of a chamber pot used by an old man with colon cancer who was just sentenced to death yesterday.

The reason why I am writing is that I have an uncle who is the king of Rohan and ever since he hired Wormtongue to be his advisor, his health has been deteriorating and his wits are leaving him. When I suggested that Wormtongue take a long walk into an ambush of horsemen that I set up, I got thrown in prison. Do you have any suggestions on how I should kill, or at least get rid of, that wicked snake so that Théoden can get healthy again?

Thank you and once again I apologize for the letter. I hope that you will respond so that I can use the back of your paper for other messages.

Éomer of the Mark

***

Dear Éomer,

This letter is quite disgusting, you're correct.

I'm going to send my son, Estel, Legolas of Greenwood, and Gimli, son of Glóin into Rohan (they'll be looking for two hobbits, but the circumstances of their visit isn't important). Then, they'll run into Fangorn and bump ways with Gandalf (who has had a drastic color switch as of late) and from there they'll make their way to Rohan, where they'll save your uncle.

I've had this planned out for ages; don't worry, you're in safe hands.

I do hope your conditions improve,

Lord Elrond

P.S. Burning that piece of paper was a very bad idea. Now my entire office reeks.


Idea submitted by Aeärwen22

Dear Elrond,

Yes. I know. My son is a klutz. (He gets it from his mother's side, I swear.) Why do you think that he has those knives of his mounted on his back, up with his quiver? Have you ever seen anybody get tripped up by their own sword? Well, multiply that by two. The idiot couldn't even walk three feet without landing face-down in the dust. And YOU gave someone who can't walk and chew gum at the same time a dinky little cell phone (probably not even affixed to a chain to wear around his neck) and expected him not to lose it?? Did you learn nothing from YOUR two monsters?

By the way, I've had a sudden influx of extremely young ladies from the US, demanding to be let into "Leggie's" bedroom, to steal and sniff at his underwear, and all other manner of weird things. For what it's worth, I'm keeping the really cute ones for myself - Royal prerogative, dontcha know, gotta show them what a REAL Elf is all about - but you tell that Harry Potter that Mirkwood isn't the Fangirl Garbage Disposal System. If he thought those Dementors were bad, he doesn't want me to ship him some spiders by return post!

Thranduil, King of the Greenwood (Eat your heart out! They're all mine! YEE-HAW!)

***

Dear Thranduil,

Sometimes I wonder why your son has even bothered to become an heir, let alone why you're so eager for his return. He can't be that great of a prince, tripping over his robes all the time, bouncing into walls and generally making a fool of himself.

Yes, I did in fact expect an elf of over 3,000 years to manage to keep a small object on his person for longer than ten minutes. How astonishingly foolish of me.

I'll pass on your message to Harry Potter (though I don't exactly know where he is at the moment. We aren't exactly on the best terms) and I'm sure he'll, er, apologize. Please be aware that in general the age of consent in America is 16, and many of these young women are barely teenagers. That being said, if you wouldn't mind just letting them have a few of your sons possessions (he won't be back for ages anyway, does it really matter?) maybe they would be satisfied and leave poor Middle Earth alone.

And, for Eru's sake, would it kill you to send an e-mail instead of wasting all of this parchment? You're the one that instigated that ridiculous "going green" movement.

Lord Elrond


Dear Elrond,

We're fighting, but I was wondering if you could pass along to Darth Vader that if Luke doesn't want him for a father, I'll take him.

Thanks,

Harry Potter


A/N: When I typed "Fangorn" it corrected it to "fangirl." *headdesk* I am all kinds of sad.

I officially need all of my elves (and rangers…and hobbits, too) back, please. That way I can offer you my next plea for reviews: Elves/Rangers/Hobbits dressed in black leather and willing to do anything. Mmmmmm.