Hangovers and paperwork did not mix. Olivia tried to focus on the pile of papers before her, pinching the bridge of her nose to halt the intermittent throbbing in her head. She also couldn't stop looking at the Morgan baby's photo on the crime board. Earlier that day, Olivia had named the murdered baby Diana, a tribute to the poor little girl. She felt a sense of maternal responsibility for that baby, a powerful link forged as they were both born of rape. She was determined to see justice served and as such, couldn't focus on the boring paperwork.
"Are you almost done the Dimello report?" Munch's question broke through her reverie. She lifted her head and blinked at her older colleague.
"Not yet," she replied, a small sigh escaping her. "I'm sorry, I've barely started it."
"That boring, huh?"
Olivia responded by giving him that maddening incomplete smile, and for some reason, he felt sad when he saw it. "You okay, Liv?" he asked.
"I'm fine," she repeated for the umpteenth time that day. Three sets of eyes fixed on her, Fin's, Elliot's and Munch's. Olivia hated feeling so exposed, her nerves raw and on edge from the hangover. She wondered if her secrets were written all over her face, and she wanted to escape. Instead, she busied herself with papers, and hid her face in a manila folder.
"Liv." Cragen stepped out of his office and approached her desk, Huang on his heels. "George is here. You two can use my office to talk." He spoke quietly as to not alert the entire bullpen. Olivia swallowed hard, and nodded.
George Huang, FBI psychiatrist and profiler often lent an ear to the SVU detectives. He knew how stressful their cases could be, and he often had insights that lay psychologists didn't possess. He inclined his head toward Olivia and nodded in the direction of the Captain's office. She stood up and stole a glance at Elliot. He fixed her with his blue eyes and whispered as she passed, "it's going to be okay." She paused mid-stride and gave him a worried smile. Her arm hung loosely at her side, and before she could take another step, he discretely grabbed her finger tips and gave them a quick squeeze. When she looked down, Elliot had let go. The small touch of encouragement pulsated through her hand and arm, straight to her heart. She desperately wanted to grab his hand and hold it tightly, then stare into his deep blue eyes and lose herself in them. Instead, Olivia did not stop and she followed Huang into Cragen's office.
Olivia felt uncomfortable despite her friendship with Huang. She'd previously confided in him many times, and he'd helped her out, counseled her unofficially, and given her useful advice. In general, she felt more comfortable with him than with an unknown shrink, but today she would have preferred to remain anonymous. George sat at the Captain's desk and Olivia sat across from him in her usual seat.
"Good afternoon, Olivia. I don't have a lot of time, so why don't we cut to the chase?"
Olivia stared at him for a moment to gather herself. She composed her face into an expressionless mask, the way she sometimes did with perps. "Just like that, huh? Did the Captain fill you in at all?" She needed to ascertain how much he already knew before she divulged unnecessary information.
Huang shook his head. "How about you simply tell me about your reaction to the Tess Morgan case?"
"Fine."
"Actually, I surmise that it's not 'fine'," he prodded.
"Alright," Olivia took a deep breath before continuing. "Tess Morgan killed her baby in a public bathroom during her prom. Elliot and I were called to the scene."
"And, how did that make you feel?"
She rolled her eyes at the cliché question. "How did it make me feel? Dead babies don't generate a lot of good feelings, George. I was upset, and shocked, and sad."
"That's all very normal given the circumstances, Olivia. You and Elliot visit many murder scenes, and I imagine you'd have those feelings for most of them. Could tell me how your reaction differed on this case?" Huang templed his fingers and leaned back in the chair, waiting.
"I suppose Cragen already told you that the baby was conceived of rape."
"He did. That must have hit close to home for you."
Olivia stood up and began to pace in the small office. "You think?"
Huang heard the sarcasm in her voice but said nothing. He wanted her to vent and express her feelings honestly with him. "Yeah, I think. I think you identified with that baby. And I believe you saw something of your mother in Tess Morgan." He paused to let her absorb his words. "Am I wrong?"
Liv sat down again and leaned over the desk, inching closer to George. "You're not wrong."
"Okay, good, good. Now tell me, about your confrontation with Tess Morgan. What happened there?"
"I lost it."
"Define 'lost it', Liv." George's dark eyes sought Liv's. He looked at her encouragingly.
"I yelled at her and tried to arrest her for murder even though she'd just told me she'd been raped. I didn't listen and I didn't treat her like a victim." Olivia hung her head low. "I was really rough on her." She paused before quietly adding, "I feel so ashamed."
"I see."
"What do you see?" Olivia hated it when shrinks pretended to know everything.
"I see that you're in pain. I see that you became angry with Tess because she killed her baby and you identified with that baby."
"I know all of that already. Can you clear me to return to normal duties?" If George wanted to cut to the chase, then Olivia was more than willing to speed things along.
"Don't you think that might be too soon?" he asked her, in his vexing shrink voice.
"Does it matter what I think?" Olivia threw her hands up in exasperation. "You're the one who's supposed to clear me. Do you think it's too soon?"
"I'm asking you what you think. You know yourself best."
"Ha!" Olivia stood up again to pace. Being caged in Cragen's office while having her head shrunk was a punishment worse than desk duty.
"Are you saying that you don't know yourself best?" George probed.
Olivia let out a loud sigh and sat down again, her knees bouncing in tandem to her frustration.
"I get the feeling you don't want to be here", Huang told her bluntly. "Are these questions making you uncomfortable?"
"I only want to return to regular duty," she told him. "Yes, I was harsh with Tess, and I identified with the victim. But I'm intellectually aware of that now, and able to emotionally distance myself from it." Liv looked at Huang pleadingly. "I want justice for that baby, and for Tess as a victim of rape. Sitting at a desk filling out forms all day isn't the best use of my time or abilities."
"That may be true. However, I'm more concerned with your well-being, Olivia. My recommendation is that you remain on desk duty for the time being. I'd also like you to make a full hour appointment with me to talk. And you're to stay away from this case. I don't think you need to be anywhere near Tess Morgan," Huang confirmed. He noticed that Olivia wasn't her usual self, and that she seemed tired and stressed.
"How have you been sleeping?" he asked her, before she could bolt out of the small room.
Olivia exhaled sharply, frustrated that the interview wasn't over. "I haven't had the best sleep," she admitted. She hesitated a moment, opened her mouth as if to say something but changed her mind.
"Is there something else you want to talk about?" George said.
"I don't want to keep you."
"I'm not in that much of a hurry. What is it?"
"Last night, I did something stupid. And I don't want you to find out about it from somebody else." Olivia was worried that Fin might inadvertently let something out. Disclosing information on her own terms seemed a safer bet. But she also remembered that Monique Jeffries had been put on desk duty for having unwise relations with a suspect. Then again, she was already on desk duty, and there was no suspect in her one night stand.
"Olivia, you're a million miles away. What happened last night?"
"Patient-shrink confidentiality applies here, right?"
"Of course it does, unless you've committed a crime."
"I didn't commit a crime." Olivia placed the emphasis on "I".
"Did somebody else?" George asked.
Olivia shook her head hard. "No."
"Then, what happened? This remains confidential, Olivia. You obviously need to talk," he encouraged her.
"Well, it's like this," she began somewhat hesitantly. "After I was kicked off the case and spent all day yesterday doing paperwork, I didn't want to go home to an empty apartment. Sometimes we go out for drinks after, you know, to Maloney's. I didn't want to go there either, because it's a cop bar and everybody knows everybody's business."
"Where did you go?"
"A pub downtown where I'd never been." Olivia stopped and closed her eyes, remembering Max. She shuddered.
"Did something happen at the pub?"
"Yeah," she replied before pausing. Huang was listening to her attentively, giving her his full attention. "I met a man. He bought me a drink and we had dinner together. He seemed nice, handsome and was very smooth with flattery."
"Okay. So, this nice, handsome man buys you a drink and dinner. That's not a bad thing. Sounds like you needed the company after all."
"Yeah, I did. My thoughts were so messed up after the case." Olivia stopped, wondering if she'd said too much.
"How so?"
She didn't see a way out of this one, and wondered how shrinks always managed to get to the heart of an issue. "Mother stuff. I kept thinking about my childhood, about my mother. After meeting Tess, old memories kept popping into my head." Olivia shook her head as though trying to scatter away the memories themselves. George nodded, silently encouraging her to continue. "So, um, I remembered the day I found out that I'd been fathered by my mother's rapist."
"I can't imagine how hard that must have been."
"I don't want to talk about it right now," she stated flatly. "I only wanted to explain my state of mind when I met the man at the pub."
"Alright, but it'd be important to discuss it at some point. When you're ready."
"Fine."
"So, let's go back at the pub," he pressed.
"I was drunk. I forgot to tell you that I drank too much."
Huang looked concerned. "Do you do that often? Drink too much?"
"No, I don't. I was stupid that night," she lamented. Her eyes began to well up and she sniffed as her nose threatened to drip.
"You're not stupid, Olivia."
"Yes, I am. I drank so much, George. After the Whisky Sours, I had too much wine with dinner and … and I became confused. The man, he reminded me of my first boyfriend. I … thought it was him. Oh god, I'm such an idiot."
"Being confused doesn't make you an idiot," Huang told her. "Why are you being so hard on yourself, Olivia?" George asked her in a kind, gentle voice.
His kindness undid her, and the tears began to fall unchecked. "I let him lead me out, to his hotel room. He looked so much like Mark, my old boyfriend. I've never been that drunk in my entire life," she confessed.
"Did you sleep with the man?"
"Yeah."
"Thinking he was your old boyfriend?" Huang handed Liv a tissue and waited while she wiped her tears and blew her nose.
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry, Olivia. Did you wake up with him this morning and realize your mistake?"
"No. I realized during, um, during the sex act. It didn't feel … right." She crossed her legs together and wrapped her arms tightly around herself, shrinking into the chair.
Huang's eyes widened. "Did you stop him?"
"No," she whispered, as shame overtook her. "Don't you see, it was my fault?"
"I don't see that at all! Did you ask him to stop?"
"I led him on, and followed him to his hotel. I encouraged his moves, let him undress me," she choked back a sob. "I was compliant and willing."
"You were drunk. You can't give consent when you're drunk, Olivia."
"Maybe he didn't realize how much."
"Why are you making excuses for him?"
"No!"
"No, what?" George was confused. Olivia suddenly stood up, her cheeks crimson with humiliation.
"No, I can't talk about this anymore." She opened the door to leave but George called out to her.
"Olivia, wait!" He stood up and took a few steps toward her, but stopped before invading her space. "I know you're upset but you need to finish telling me this."
"I can't, please," she begged.
"I need to know one thing and then you can go." He tried to lead her back to the chair but she fell against the door, shutting it with her back.
"Please …"
"Olivia, what did you do when you realized he wasn't your ex-boyfriend?"
Olivia's chin trembled as shame and fear seeped through her entire being. "He couldn't stop," she replied. "He was too far gone, almost finished."
"So you did ask him to stop," Huang confirmed. "Olivia, if he didn't stop when you asked him to, and you were too drunk to consent, then this was .."
She cut him off sharply, reminding Huang of a child putting her hands over her ears and singing loudly to drown out bad news. "No! Don't say it. Don't say it."
"I don't need to say it because you know what it was," he told her.
She pulled herself up to her full height and swallowed hard. "It was a mistake, a bad one-night stand. That's what it was." She opened the door and ran out of the office, to the cribs upstairs.
George stood watching her from the doorway. He couldn't recommend that Olivia be cleared for duty anytime soon. Until she dealt with the truth of that night, she was in no shape to pursue SVU cases or speak to victims. He shook his head sadly, knowing he wouldn't be writing the report he had hoped to.
The look on Huang's face alarmed Elliot. The FBI shrink never lost his composure, not even when profiling the vilest of criminals, and yet here he was looking disturbed, watching while Olivia flew up the stairs to the cribs. Elliot waited for Huang to leave the bullpen before making his way up the stairs.
A/N: Ok, dear reader, I wanted to post one last chapter for 2017. Wishing you all a Happy New Year, with more chapters to come in 2018. Sorry for the cliff hanger, folks, but it's past midnight and I'm so fried. Fear not, I'm off work next week and will hopefully find time to write.
