You Are Not Alone
All theways to die kept spinning my head making me dizzy. I learned the hard way that slitting your wrist isn't the way to die. I didn't haven enough time to be alone now to do it again. Apparently I have to have at least four hours to bleed to death and no way in hell will mom and dad are going to leave me alone more than thirty minutes. I walked out of my room to the living room, automatically having two pairs of eyes shot to up at my direction. I ignored the stares of my parents and grabbed an apple and a bottle of water. Lately I've been eating light I guess that's probably sending a signal to them, but they ignore it as long as I'm eating they're fine with it. I walked out of the apartment I needed out from this place. I had no idea what time is it or if it was day or night. I heard my dad's footsteps behind me. I roll my eyes and continue walking to the elevators, not quite sure if where I'm going. I press the down button and waited for the elevator. My dad slowly drags himself next to me. "Dealyn, don't worry I'm just going to walk you down and I'll come right back up." He said clearing his throat. I kept my gaze fixed on the elevator doors. "Uh, I hear that the boy from um big time uh…gees hush or whatever he's doing fine. In fact he's by the pool" that's it I'm staying in the lobby. The elevator's door slid open my dad went in first while I stood there suddenly anxious. I breathed in deeply trying my hardest to forget how tiny the space was, then made my way in. My dad presses the button. Once the doors shut I close my eyes waiting for this hell ride to be over. The doors open again and I step out. My dad calls my name. I turn to face him. He had his hand in the way of the doors of the elevator. "I love you, Dealyn." His voice doesn't ring true. I stare into his eyes. He believes that I'm a failure. I believe so too, don't worry it's not going to happen again. I promise. I nod and walk to the nearest chair careful not to let any of the guys see me. I settle down on the ugly floral red chair. I stare off into distance. Another option through-the-door showed me was to jump off a building. I turned this thought over a bit longer. Maybe this isn't the great way to go. I don't want my body mangled to the point where it's impossible to identify, and I also want this to happen in my home, so my parent aren't living their lives thinking that one day I'll come back to them. I mean that's the least I can do right? I sighed could this decision be any difficult more difficult? I shook my head in a desperate attempt to clear my head.
I rest my head on the back of the lobby chair and closed my eyes. Maybe hanging will be better. "Hey, Dealyn long time no see." I heard a familiar voice say. My eyes shot open. There James stood, well leaning on crutches smiling at me like nothing happened. I looked at him with a look of shocked. "What?" he said his smile dropped. His face become like a road map of worry lines. "Do you mind if I sit?" he asked not waiting for an answer. He sat in the chair beside me. I actually did mind. I sighed and began to get up. "Wait." James grabbed my hand "I've been wanting to to talk to you for while now and its important." I turned back and pulled against his grip. He released my hand with hopeful eyes. I sighed and sat back in the chair. "Well I need to tell you that you're not alone in this being bullied." I rolled my eyes I knew this was coming. Damn you Chris. "I know your probably thinking that 'how can you even understand what I've gone through" he let out a nervous laugh. No James not 'What I've gone though" it's going though present tense. There's a difference. "God, I'm sorry I'm horrible at this. I've never told anyone this only to the guys. Well I um wasn't always like this." He gestured to himself. "I was chubby as a kid and I wasn't the most masculine guy, even being on a hockey team. People would say it was a cover up or that I enjoyed watching my teammate undress. All the other kids always picked on me, calling all these names like 'Gaymes, Fat Diamond, uh Clay Aiken' the last one was priceless." He blushed laughing a bit. "I mean they called me much worst, but nothing topped the cherry then um, well this was back in Minnesota me and the guys got done with hockey practice. That day my dad said he'd pick me up. Usually i would get a ride from Kendall, but I wanted some time with my dad, since I barely got to see him. Well while I was waiting, these dudes from my school were there and I noticed that they were gesturing to me and I got a little uneasy but I ignored it. Thinking that they wouldn't do anything to me, I was completely wrong. They uh came at me merciless calling me 'fag, fairy, and homo' all kinds of names. One of the guys had both of my hands behind my back while another punched me in the stomach until I was on the ground gasping for air." James hid his eyes from me. "Well while I was on the ground all five of them kicked me. I thought I was going to die, until heard my dad yelling at them to stop and they did and he helped me up got me in the car and said 'Just let roll off your back James, you don't need to make more trouble then it's worth.' Can you believe that my own father told me to just let roll off my back and that I wasn't worth it." He scoffed wiping his eyes and laughed. I stayed quiet swallowing back the urge to cry. "And you know what they didn't let up. They would even follow me home, and leave note in my locker saying 'this town didn't need any fat fags like me.' That's what gave me the drive to become famous." He said shakily. I waited for him to regain his composure. I wasn't sure what to do, but watch him breathe deeply. He smiled weakly at me "I'm really sorry I thought I could handle telling you this. Well I guess the point I'm trying to get at is if you ever want to talk, you can come to me." He said reaching for my hand. Tears threatening to fall I bit on my lip. He grabbed my hand with a look that I couldn't quite name. it was like the same look Chris gets when he's singing a song he wrote about some girl. James squeezed my hand gently. "I'll save you if you just tell me how." I couldn't take it anymore I cried aloud. James crouched in front of me wrapping his arms around me. "Just let it out." He said smoothly. A few moments pass until he spoke again "Can I ask you something?" James asked softly. "You just did." I said sounding raw and scratchy. "Whoa, you speak?" He exclaimed loud enough for people on the lobby watched us then went back to doing what they were doing. He clears his throat. "Um, well w-would you go to dinner with me tomorrow?" My eyes go wide. This didn't made sense. Was he sure he was asking the right girl? "Hey you owe me, you stabbed me with a pencil. I could die for lead poisoning; tomorrow's my birthday, so if I do die at least I want it to be in the company of a beautiful girl." His smile almost looked innocent he trailed his fingers where I stabbed him. He's smart enough to know that pencil leads are made out of graphite. "That was mean."
"Was. Not." It still hurt to talk and I was merely defending myself. He smiled again giving me room to breathe. "Are you going to answer?"
"Me?" I whispered. He chuckled and nudged my knee, as if saying do you have to ask. "You can answer that yourself." I answered and left James to ponder what I meant. I bumped into Logan. He grabbed my waist not noticing it was me. He looked at me and immediately let go "Sorry Dealyn I didn't see you." He apologized. "It's. OK." I whispered. He had the same reaction as James. I smiled not saying anything. "Well Dealyn I'm glad we bumped into each other. I really need to talk to you." He said taking me to the fire pit. We sat down. He was nervous I could tell by the way he avoided meeting my eyes instead he watching the flames in the fire dance to their rhythm. I watched the flames with him silently for a couple more seconds until he cleared his throat "OK, so the reason I needed to talk to you is well um I'm sure James has told you his story. We all wanted to do this differently, but with James' accident it kind of interfered." I shifted at the mentions of James' accident. The pang of guilt floated back to the surface. He laughed a bit "This is going to sound so much like some talk show, but that doesn't matter. Well um as you know I'm the brains of the group and um that's not good when your growing up in Minnesota where everyone's main focus was hockey. I was always busy studying for a test we had the next day and everyone I knew watched the Minnesota Wild play." I watched him play with his fingers. "Well as smart as I was, I lacked the strength any of the guys have. So that opened up a door of opprotunities for the other kids. They would hide my text books, write insults on my desks, um once they put pickle juice and sour milk on my desk and the teacher made me clean it after school." He crinkled his nose at what hehad just said. "I hated that smell. If it wasn't for the guys who knows what I would have done." He shuddered at the thought. I knew what he would have done. He would be in the same position as me, maybe even dead. "I remember this one time, this girl I had a crush on since the sixth grade. God she was so pretty, smart, and popular. So I knew she wouldn't go for a guy like me. Maybe Kendall or James, but not me, well one day in the tenth grade I was talking to the guys about who knows what. When I get a tap on my shoulder, I turn around and it was her. I thought she needed something so I asked her what she wanted and she said with a cute little coy smile 'You. I want to take me to the tenth grade dance.' Of course I accepted and the guys of course helped me get ready. Well she and I agreed on meeting there because she wanted to show me off to everyone quickly or something like that, and like an idiot I said 'yes' not really thinking about it. I would have said and done anything just to for her to be happy with Me." Logan said staring off into space. "Well it was finally the night of the dance I got there wearing a ridiculous tux. I felt like some monkey, but James said I looked good. Well I walked in and I see her in the arms of this line backer of the varsity team. Oh I was just heart-broken and I wasn't thinking I just blinded with embrassement, because the guys saw her as well. I walked up to them. I wanted to confront them both, but instead I stood there like some idiot waiting to be agknowledged. Finally they pried their attention off of each other and on to me and she starts to laugh he said 'What dude did you really think a girl like that would fall for some nerd like you?' they both laughed and I well spent the whole night not answering any calls for Carlos, James, nor Kendall. I got in my dad's liquor cabinet." He finished saying softly. He leaned forward to the fire then turned her head, so he could see me. He eyes revealed to me the sadness he felt. The saddness never ends I know Logan. "I'm…" I stopped myself I knew saying that wouldn't make him feel any better. "Sorry?" he scoffed "don't be you didn't do it.' He sighed and leaned back looking up at the Californian night sky. "I'm glad, you know that I got out of there. It's like I can start over." He said his eyes glaxed over like he was in thought. I turned my attention back to the fire; studying it. "You're different Dealyn. Maybe it's from what you experienced in your life, but still you are." Logan said focusing now. I remained quiet. "Would you like to um go out sometime, you know j-just the two of us?" he asked rubbing the back of his neck. I looked at him with a questioning look. He gave me a crooked smile "You don't have if you don't want to, but it would cool be if you did though." He said slightly babbling. "You can answer that yourself." I said not waiting for his response. I know what you all are thinking. I told you I have a plan. No one is going to stop me from completing it.
I got up and decided that staying at the hotel was a bad idea, so I walked around. I needed to clear my head and get back on track. There was a nearby Starbucks. I went in there and sat at a table not wanting anything to drink. I looked out the window and watched the people go by. I heard chairs being dragged out nearby, but I ignored it. "Hey, Dealyn" I heard Carlos' voice. I cringed and turned my attention to them. "Nice shirt." Kendall said. I wasn't sure if it was sincere, but I consciously ran a hand over the scar that I covered with a long sleeve gray shirt that was striped with blue. I nodded. "So, what brings you here...obviously not the coffee." Carlos joked. "Space." I spoke softly carefully to not hurt myself. Kendall's mouth nearly hit the floor, but Carlos smiled encouragingly. "You regained your ability to speak." Kendall said smirking. He looked over at Carlos "Did you know already?" Carlos nodded "Uh huh, I heard her trying to warn James." Kendall nodded and turned back at to talk to me. I looked down at my lap. He put his arms on the table. "Well judging from your answer I can tell James and Logan talked you then?" he questioned. I nodded looking back up. "Well you're not done you still have to hear mine and Carlos' story." He said sternly then smiled. "I'll go first to give you some time to think about your story OK Kendy?" Carlos asked. Kendall nodded. "OK, well as you know wearing a helmet has never been in style, so that's what got me picked on the most oh and the fact that I'm super clumsy." He laughed a bit at the end. "Well I was always called 'retard, stupid, special Ed, and short bus. Just because I didn't get things right way. One incident when I was like eleven or something some kid played a song I liked so much and so I started dancing and well everyone just laughed and yelled insults, but I ignored it because I loved that song and wasn't going to let a couple kids put a damper in my day." He gleamed proudly and I was jealous he made it seem so easy to just ignore every comment people throw out. Maybe it was possible I just didn't know how. "Well I finally couldn't take it and threaten to take them all down. Now I probably would have been taken seriously if I uh hadn't just got out of heh ballet class, so I was wearing tights and my mom always wanted me to wear a helmet so I didn't hurt myself." Kendall held back a laugh at the back of his throat. Carlos laughed pushed him lightly "Shut up jerk. You know my mom got me into ballet so I could have better hand eye coordination." Carlos cleared his throat and continued on with his story. "Some punk dude came up and said 'yeah what are you going to do twinkle toes, dance around me?' well I tried to punch the guy but his buddies got involved and beat me up." Carlos ended and clapped his hand once. He looked down at his hand. I could tell he was hiding his emotions. I sighed sadly at him. I guess no one really gets over their pain. "Well I guess uh my turn now huh?" Kendall asked adjusting in the seat. "Well I guess I never really had any problems with anyone." Lucky "The worst bully in my life was really…my dad. I was never good enough for him. He wasn't afraid to tell me either I didn't skate fast enough, or wasn't strong enough. If I failed he was go on weeks just saying what I did wrong. I guess learned from the best to beat myself." Kendall said looking out the window. He breathed in and out through his nose and smirked "The day he left I remember the exact words he said to me 'Kendall maybe one day I'll be able to be proud to say I'm your father.' He kissed my forehead and left just like that. Thanks dad." Kendall rised his cup to the sky and drank out of it. He put don't his Frappe and ran a hand through his hair and looked at me with a sad look "I know it wasn't long, but that something that still hurts when I think about it." His smile quickly faded before it reached his eyes. Carlos put a comforting hand on his shoulder "We should go home now. It's pretty late." Carlos said getting up. We all got back safely. I went to my bed thinking about everything that had happened and remember about Logan and James. I couldn't accept either I mean I've set my mind…didn't i?
A/N: Hola everyone! I'm sleepy right now, but I had to type this up with I'm thinking about next chapter being the last chapter. So who do you think Dealyn is going to pick? James, Logan, or neither well we shall see next time. I can't quite answer that question either. It all depends on the mood I'm in while writing haha. I'm sorry about the name calling I'm terrible about insulting people. I tried plus I'm half asleep so please just think that I just came up with these snarky smart insulting names for them. Oh and disclaimer BTR I don't own them or know they. (If only I did. I would definitely not be here writing this). Well goodnight now off to sleep! Also I got the chapter's title from a Michael Jackson song called well you are not alone it's a pretty song...OK so I got bored and decided to read throught it and correct some spelling and grammar mistakes. Please comment, Favorite, or subscribe. Last chapter is next!
