Alec
Courage is a strong trait in someone, whether it be genetic or just the way you are. A heart disorder usually is a genetic, coming from someone else in your family whom also has problems with the heart. But being gay isn't that simple. It's not a genetic, nor is it something you can decide to be (well, you can, but why the fuck would you do that?).
It's been proven that you are born gay, mostly for males. Females can turn gay, but I'm not a chick. Lesbians don't fit in this equation. You're either accepting or you hate yourself. I already hate so much about me that I don't need another thing – especially one thing that will always stay the same.
Something a little bit more ironic and horrible, I never had to worry about coming out to my parents; they were dead by the time I even realized I liked guys. Jane knew before I did, and was far beyond accepting then I would have imagined. She was supportive, and I was lucky to have her.
Emmett was bit harder to come out to, seeing as how I was his best friend before I figured I was gay and was keeping that from him since tenth grade. He went a whole month, after I told him, hiding from me, afraid I'd rape him or something – a common thing with homophobia. He wasn't homophobic per se, just a little wary that I'd hit on him or do something to him if he were asleep.
I wouldn't, but I often thought about it. (I'm a guy. I either think about sex or something fucked up. I told Jane I need to go to therapy, she just ignores me.) Eventually he came around, trying his hardest to make sure that I wasn't about to kiss him and stuff like that. I told him that I didn't find him attractive, which was a lie. Emmett was the one who made me realize that I liked the same sex, but there's no way in hell I'd tell him that.
But I didn't just like Emmett; there were many guys I had the hots for.
In ninth grade, I met Peter Stephens. He was one of Forks' only openly gay guys.
You wouldn't believe how many times the kid got bashed and beat, half the time he was at home recovering from his busted jaws and bruised eyes that he missed most of the year. We were friends, and he was always trying to get me to come out, even at that time I was hardly even sure I was gay (I was best friends with denial back then).
He was adorable, him and his shaggy blonde hair and his baby blue eyes. He had a smile that was radiant and you couldn't help but to grin back. But Forks wasn't the place for him. He left before ninth grade finished.
I didn't even get a chance to say good-bye.
That summer I went to camp, and I had a bunk mate who was to die for. His name was Mike Newton, and he was so straight he could poke your eye out. I think he knew I was gay, because he often repelled from me, but I didn't let up. I had some crazy thought that he would be my forever boyfriend – boy was I deluded.
He ended up beating me up because I accidently puked on his shoes after getting food poisoning one night. (I get sick easily, mostly nerves or total breakdowns.)
Ever since then, I've been a little more…smart when it came to liking guys.
But out of that whole horrible experience, I came back ready to open up and come out – at my own pace, of course.
Next guy I fell head over heels for? Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen.
The poor kid had one fucked up life, well, I guess.
His father, Carlisle, was like the town's hottest guy ever, and he couldn't stay in a relationship very long. For the entire time Edward and his dad were in Forks, he got married three times. Three. That's a little, freaky/amazing.
Edward had opened up to me and Emmett that his birth parents died when he was younger, some type of illness. Carlisle was his God-father, and inevitably his only care taker. Carlisle adopted him, with his wife at the time, Esme, who soon divorced and re-married a few years later.
Edward had many siblings, but never got to really know any of them.
"It's like God doesn't want me to have a family," he said to me one day, when it was just us. It was the day that his step-mother, Tanya, left Carlisle. Edward had grown attached to her, mostly because she was closer to his age. Tanya lasted longer than anyone else, so the bond he had with her was strong.
Edward was a senior while Emmett and I were sophomores. When he left for college, he did give me a chance to say goodbye.
We stay in contact, and I'll never forget him. He was one guy who accepted me for who I was, even if he were straight and slightly prudish. He was nice, good looking, and respected me.
He was the first decent guy I liked, but I was okay with not being with him romantically (not like I had a chance).
After that, I gave up on trying to find the right one. I always dreamt and wished, but I wasn't pushing it. Secretly, I was hoping that Emmett would suddenly wake up gay, but even I knew that wasn't possible.
Then I meet Seth. One helluva guy who just happens to actually like me back.
But as soon as I get him…he's gone, not by choice, but by fate.
-:-
California was amazing, but I couldn't enjoy it – not with my depression. Sure, often times I smiled and laughed and had a good time. But that was all for show.
Seriously, I wasn't going to walk around California with a look that said, "Fuck my life. My life sucks. Life sucks. I'm depressed. I miss my boyfriend. May I kill myself? No, don't feed me those cherries, it'll only remind me that mine is still intact."
No, of course not. I'm not that type of person.
But it was getting harder and harder to get up in the morning.
I couldn't get away from his face. All I saw was Seth, and half the time I felt as if he were stalking me.
Paranoia plus depression is not a good combination.
I was one freak-out away from being shipped off to a loony-bin. But at this point, I seriously wouldn't have cared.
I had finally hit rock bottom.
I went nearly a week loving life, despite the depression shit, and enjoying myself. Now I couldn't even go outside because it hurt so much.
I talked to Seth daily, and he always seemed so cheery.
Jeeze, nice to know that you're sitting in a puddle of your tears missing me, I would think sarcastically.
I was dying without him, and he seemed very hunky-dory with life. It was maddening, and I was jealous. It was times like this when I hated him. Sure, I didn't want to make everyone's life a miserable wreck, but when part of my problem is surfing daily back in La Push it would have been nice if I was able to throw a few rocks at him.
Fuck. My. Life. Upside. Down.
If it's any contemplation, though, I wasn't the only one who was beyond pissed with him.
Jane hated his guts, and Emmett? Well, who would've thought that Emmett really cared for me?
No one, that's who—mostly because he has an odd way of showing his affection.
"Hey, dickface," he'd say to me each time he saw me staring out the window with that sad look my face. "Get the fuck over him and move on with your life. You're in San Fran, there's like, more gay guys out there then straight ones."
And then I'd shrug my shoulders and sigh.
Believe me; I hated me this way, too.
I wasn't always one to mope and be sad, but Seth was my first real boyfriend. My first real anything. Minus sex…which would have been nice, if the circumstances were a bit different.
Everyone has the right to be depressed, and I was spending that card to an extent.
Though, today I woke up a bit different, a bit more less sad and a lot more optimistic. Maybe finally I could get over Seth—hell, maybe I could find a new boyfriend.
Well, that thought died as much as it lived, but it was worth a shot.
-:-
"Should I get a job?" Emmett questioned over breakfast, eyes narrowed at the wall in front of him.
I shrugged, taking a sip of orange juice. "Do you want a job?"
"Not really, but I was thinking…"
"Here we go," Jane butted in, taking a seat at the small, circular table.
Emmett then glared at her, scoffing like a child. "I was thinking that I could help you out, seeing as how I live with the both of you. But if you don't want me to have a job, fine, better for me."
Cue the bickering.
"Oh, God. Please get a job. I'm sick of seeing your face."
"Actually, I'm quite fond of seeing yours. Maybe I'll come to work with you. We can be best friends…maybe even have some type of steamy affair."
Jane stared at him in horror, only because she knew Emmett would really do something like that. He smirked at her, proud to have one this battle.
I couldn't help but to smile.
This didn't go unnoticed.
"By George!" Emmett gasped. "I think I just saw some form of lip twitching!" His British accent was oddly accurate.
"I saw it, too," Jane replied, same shocked, sarcastic tone. "But it couldn't be."
"You guys are idiots," I chuckled, shaking my head at the two.
"Just as long as we're hot idiots, right?" the large boy questioned, an eyebrow raised.
"Speak for yourself," Jane spoke, "but I am no idiot."
"Right, and you're not hot, either."
"Fuck. You." With that Jane grabbed her plate of waffles and whisked away to her bedroom, slamming the door shut.
Emmett stared after her, a large smile on his face.
"One of these days she's going to murder you in your sleep," I commented.
"Probably," he laughed, turning his attention to me.
I stared at him for a moment, silently praying to God that he wouldn't open his gob. He prepared to talk, a slight annoyed look on his face. Luckily for me, faith was on my side and a knock at the door was heard. I got up, the chair making a loud noise as it I moved it from underneath me.
"Jeeze, are you expecting Fabio or something?" Emmett asked, taking in my hurried expression. I ignored him and proceeded to the door.
I had a hard time getting the door to open, mostly because I hardly had been able to figure out how the locks work. But when I finally did, I was half wondering if I hit myself in the head.
Seth Clearwater was standing in front of me, a bouquet of roses in one hand and a was wearing neat outfit. It wasn't him, and I was beginning to get paranoid.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked him…and then I threw up on his fancy-totally-not-him shoes.
Fuck.
My.
Life.
Zomb: Happy Easter….or Zombie Jesus day! Whichever. Sorry for the long wait in updating. I'm a loser, and so is this chapter. But I'll do better next time.
Zee: OMG, BRITTANY FUCKING ROCKS AND...GO PUKE ON YOUR BOYFRIEND'S SHOES, ALRIGHT? VIDEO TAPE IT FOR ME.
