7. Closing Doors
Days go by and Eponine still hasn't contacted him. Enjolras is beginning to wonder if she ever will, if she'll ever have enough time, if she'll ever be ready to move on.
It is with no little amount of trepidation that he realizes the same blue car that dropped her off the last Saturday picks her up on Tuesday evening. That's strange; Eponine doesn't usually go out during the week, considering she has to be at work by 7 am Monday through Friday and sometimes doesn't get home until 6 pm. She's become a real adult, one who sticks to a schedule during the work week and really only goes out on the weekends.
Enjolras is glued to the window on Saturday to see if the same car picks her up again. Alarm bells go off in Enjolras' head as soon as he sees it pull up to the house.
This is the third time in a week. She's never gone out with the same guy even twice before, and now she's seeing the same guy three times in one week?
He's even more quiet and withdrawn than usual over the next couple of days, and becomes more so each time he notices the blue car at Eponine's. That Wednesday after the blue car picks her up again he can finally take it no more. He has to know who this guy is and what Eponine has said about him. He marches across the street as soon as the car and Eponine are out of sight, hoping to catch Courfeyrac and Grantaire unaware.
He knocks once on the door before just walking in, which isn't unusual for any of them to do, and Grantaire and Courfeyrac wave from their places on the chair and couch. They both have TV dinners in front of them, proof of their bachelor status. Both are just too lazy to cook real food on a nightly basis.
"Hey, Enjolras. You just missed Eponine," Courfeyrac drawls, and Enjolras immediately knows it's a test.
"I know." He decides it's better to get straight to the point. "What do you guys know about the guy she's seeing? What has she said?"
Grantaire and Courfeyrac exchange a look and both sit up a little straighter.
"Taking the direct approach, I see." Grantaire eyes him for a minute before saying slowly, "Why are you asking? And don't bullshit, we want the real reason."
"What do you mean why am I asking? I'm asking because it's been a month and a half since she's spoken to me and I don't like not talking to her. I want to know what she's up to, and since she won't tell me herself, I have to ask you two goons."
"Wrong answer," Courfeyrac shoots at him.
Enjolras throws his hands up in exasperation. "What the hell do you want me to say?!"
"How about...Well, I know I royally fucked things up with the girl I'm in love with and hurt her incredibly bad and I need to know who my competition is so I can win her back? That right, Courf?"
"Sounds about right to me, R."
"You're ganging up on me," Enjolras mutters. "This isn't fair." And I'm not in love with her, he adds in his head.
Grantaire shrugs. "Just be happy Gavroche isn't here. He may only be 18 now, but he could totally kick your ass. And he knows you hurt her. She told him."
"What did she tell you guys?"
"Everything. It took her a few weeks, but the story finally came out. I don't know what you were thinking, Enjolras, but even I thought you knew better than that. I thought you'd take the easy in she was giving you since you have no idea what to do when it comes to relationships. You know even less than I thought, I guess."
"Apparently," he agrees.
Courfeyrac looks alarmed. "Wait, so you're actually admitting you were wrong and screwed up?"
"I don't know." Enjolras rubs his eyes and groans. "Yes, I was wrong in the way I handled it, but Jesus. Everyone keeps talking about how it was direct and easy, but I didn't see it that way. I thought she was fucking with me."
"Eponine doesn't do that." Grantaire points his fork accusingly at him. "You know she doesn't play games."
"It seemed like a game, okay? It really did. We've never discussed how we feel about each other and then there she was in my bed not wearing any pants. I didn't know what to think. How come no one sees this from my point of view?" He's flat out whining and he knows it.
They're all silent for a few minutes, Courfeyrac and Grantaire chewing on their rubbery dinners like members of a jury ready to condemn him.
Finally, Courfeyrac says slowly, "Okay...so. Knowing you and your limited experience and tendency to need things spelled out for you, yes. I can see how you might have been a little bit confused."
"Thank you! Finally."
"I guess I agree," Grantaire concedes. "But now, the question is, what are you doing to try and fix it? And what do you want with her? As the principle men in her life besides Gavroche I feel like it's our duty to make you squirm a little."
Enjolras is squirming indeed; he's never had a conversation like this with his friends, or with anyone, for that matter, and he doesn't like the unfamiliar territory. Not to mention the fact that his answers still aren't even totally clear for himself.
"I just...I want things to be back to normal. I want to be able to talk to her again. I've asked her to talk, but she said she isn't ready. And now she's going out with this guy, apparently."
"Ben," Grantaire supplies helpfully. "His name is Ben. And I have to say, he's pretty good looking, and he's really smart. He's a medical student at Tulane. She met him through a friend, but he knows Joly, too."
"Great. Ben." Enjolras immediately hates the name. It tastes sour on his tongue. "I guess she actually likes him?"
"Looks that way. She seems happy whenever she gets home from a date. He's nice, and pretty funny. He held his own against us the other night when we met them for drinks."
Enjolras can't help but feel a stab of betrayal that his friends went and hung out with this guy. Where was their loyalty to him?
"So what should I do?" he asks, losing patience with the conversation.
"What do you want?" Courfeyrac asks. "Do you just want to be her friend or do you want to be something more? Because honestly, Enjolras, unless you're ready to be something more, I don't think she's interested right now. I think she had...or has...real, genuine feelings for you. And you stomped all over them. You saw how long it took her to get over Pontmercy."
Enjolras doesn't answer, just scowls and looks at the floor.
"What do you want?" Grantaire echoes Courfeyrac's question.
"I don't know, okay? I know I feel jealous that she's with someone else, but then I think about what being in a relationship would be like and it seems like so much work and a huge, horrible risk, and...she's obviously got the wrong idea about what dating me would be like. We work so well as friends. I just wish she was satisfied with that."
Grantaire and Courfeyrac share another knowing look, one that clearly says Enjolras is in denial.
"Well then, man, I'm afraid we can't really help you. Not that we're taking sides or anything, but..."
"We're on Eponine's," Grantaire says bluntly, finishing Courf's sentence.
"Traitors." Enjolras stands and flips them off before stalking out and back home. He can hear their snickers behind him, and doesn't miss the fact that he hears them calling him a sucker, either. Not just traitors: idiots.
The next week, he decides that instead of waiting for her on his own porch, he'll wait on hers. He still doesn't really know what to say, or what she wants him to say, but he wants her to see that he's serious about reconciling and willing to make an effort.
She doesn't even notice him until she's almost ready to take the first step onto the porch.
"Hey," he says quietly, and she jumps about a foot in the air.
"Jesus, Enjolras!" She glares at him and backs up instinctively. "You scared the shit out of me!"
"I'm sorry. I just...I want to talk to you."
She eyes him warily and glances around, as if looking for an easy escape. "I told you I'd text you when I'm ready."
"I know, but...it's been so long, Ep. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."
"I'm fine," she says shortly. "Thanks for your concern."
And just like that, her walls are up.
"What can I say to make this better? Tell me what to say," he pleads. "I don't know what you want to hear."
She smiles a bit sadly and shakes her head. "If you don't know what to say, Enjolras, then there's absolutely nothing to say."
She's talking in riddles again, which just confuses him, and Enjolras runs his hands through his hair, leaving his curls standing in every direction. "I'm sorry. Is that enough? I'll say it a million times if you want me to. I'll rent a plane and sky-write it."
She finally smiles at that and sinks down onto the steps next to him, letting out a sigh. "I know you're sorry. And I accept your apology. It's just...it's a little bit confusing, Enj. Yes, we were friends, but we were friends who flirted and teased and it felt so comfortable. I thought maybe if we both just jumped in, it would work between us, but obviously I was wrong. And I went about it in such a stupid, totally idiotic way and I should have known better considering it's you I was dealing with. I know I brought this on myself just as much as you did. But" - and it's obvious it's a big but - "that doesn't mean we can just let things go back to the way they were."
"Why not?" he asks sadly. "It was so easy."
She turns and looks at him, frowning. "Yes, it was. But I don't want just a friend, Enjolras. I want a boyfriend. Eventually, I want a fiance, and then a husband. And being friends with you, doing what we were doing...it was keeping me from that because I had all of the things that go with a relationship with you. Minus the sex," she adds quickly. "And that's...kind of a big part of having a relationship."
Enjolras frowns, digesting her words. "So...it's not going to go back to the way it was with us? Ever?"
Eponine shakes her head slowly. She can tell that he's finally getting it. "No. It's not. Maybe, hopefully soon, we can find some new kind of friendship. But I need to stay away for a while and give myself a chance at finding a real relationship first. I don't want to fall back into old habits and patterns. And I think you deserve more than that, too."
Enjolras turns away and looks out at the street, listening to the sound of the wind rustling through the trees. It smells like rain. "Do you like this guy you're seeing? Ben?"
"How do you know his name?"
"I asked Courf and R."
"Oh. Well, yeah. I like him. I'm giving it a chance beyond just one date, anyway."
"Does it feel like it felt with us?" It's the first time he's ever referred to them as an us, and he's surprised by it.
Eponine doesn't answer right away, and her voice sounds a little choked when she finally does. "No. It doesn't feel anything like that. But that's not necessarily a bad thing."
Enjolras turns back to look at her, studying her carefully for a minute. "Okay. I just...I wanted to make sure you're alright. I understand everything; we have boundaries now. I get it."
"Okay."
On impulse, Enjolras reaches out and pulls Eponine into a tight hug. It only lasts a couple of seconds, and she never relaxes in his arms, but Enjolras doesn't care. She's right – if he's not willing to give her what she wants, then he needs to let her go. He wants her to be happy.
He lets go and stands up. "Good night, Eponine."
"Good night, Enjolras." She watches him leave, but by the time Enjolras turns back around to wave once he's across the street, she's already gone inside her house, the door shut firmly behind her.
Being sick this weekend means I'm just sitting around writing this or writing lesson plans. (Mostly writing this - the next chapter is already ready to go, too.)
And I apologize - I usually make it a point to reply to each and every review I get, but I decided that rather than sit and write back to you all, I would just post another chapter and say a big, huge, HUMONGOUS thank you here. I didn't really expect this story to get any notice, and I'm really excited and happy that it has! Thanks for reading!
P.S. Anyone talented enough to make me a cover image for this? I wish I had Photoshop/editing skills...but I don't.
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