Rae Perrin

I'm trying to hide it. But it's so hard this time of year. I don't want to talk about it. I don't know if I can, I don't know how. I wish this was easier. I wish I weren't so stubborn. I thought I was over it but perhaps I just lost myself in hockey and helping others.

It's my first Christmas since it happened. It's gotten hard to look at Todd, Stack. He reminds me so much of my brother. I think he may suspect something. Gavin too, he's way too perceptive. He was my friend before the others, he takes the time to look at how I feel. He's the only one that doesn't dump his problems at my feet. We talk, but it's more of a discussion than complaining.

I think Mendoza knows. He caught me on the roof. I didn't expect anyone to be up. He's been looking at me strangely these past few days.

I don't know what I'm going to do for Christmas. Go home? Possibly, but only for Christmas Eve and Day. I don't want to stay there for long, they'll suffocate me. The guys will let me hop among them. There's enough that I can changed houses everyday. I'll have to stay at Gav's this time. I think I upset him at Thanksgiving by not staying with him. But he's too perceptive.

I'm going to have to learn to be more composed. To hide it better. I'm strong, I'm tough, I don't cry.