Chris McLean and Chad Cassidy stood on the Dock of Shame.
Chris began, "Last time on Total Crossover Chaos, Toadsworth became righteously indignated!"
Cut to a clip of Toadsworth yelling at Troy McClure.
Chad continued, "Douglas forgot how to form coherent sentences!"
Cut to Douglas floating away from the Dock of Shame, poorly dubbed over with absolute gibberish.
"...And Jon..." Chris's face fell. "...Let's not talk about him. Instead... Oh, what about some Homer action?"
Cut to Homer sobbing in the confessional.
"Who are you? Who am I? Where are we?" Chad asked, "These are just some of the existential questions you can forget watching TOTAL! CROSSOVER! CHAOS!"


The camp of Wawanakwa awoke for the last day of what was possibly their first week on the island to crackling static on the PA system, which was followed by:
"Attention campers!" came the voice of Chris over the speakers. "You're all stupid!"
By then, the campers that had gotten up early (whether to hunt for hidden immunity idols, scavenge for edible food-type items or just to play Twister) had begun to gather around the speaker in the central area of the camp.

"Hey, that's not very nice!" whined Nermal, who was, up until then, trying to use the mud on the ground as a mudpack.
"What in the name of [BLEEP] did you just say, McLean?!" Duncan hollered, looking up from his Twister mat.
Charlie Brown, who was previously pitching rocks into the trees, simply lowered his head and shed a single tear.

Chris chuckled over the PA. "Now that I've got y'all's attention, I'd just like to announce that today, you'll be playing for THREE prizes! Report to the beach area directly west of the Dock of Shame at 10:30!"
A murmur ran through the small crowd. Even Charlie Brown perked up somewhat.


Linus awoke to the sensation of his security blanket around him and the sight of the slightly rotten wood of the cabin wall. He turned over and came face to face with Captain Falcon, who was inexplicably wearing white robes.
"Good morning, and have a blessed day," Falcon told Linus, as the former put his hands together and bowed.
"Captain Falcon, this is just a little bit outlandish," Linus replied.
"I thank you humbly, sweet child, for setting me straight, setting me on the path of Matthew," said Falcon, taking Linus's hand and lifting him up onto his shoulders.
"Captain, I'll thank you just as humbly for setting me down," Linus squeaked, slightly fearful of the man that had decided to hoist him out of bed first thing in the morning.
Falcon obliged, gently setting Linus down on his feet.
"Captain Falcon... What the heck are you doing?" Linus asked, more than a little bit concerned for his teammate's mental health.
"Minister Falcon, child, and I am going to visit mister Flanders, to discuss the King James Bible with him." Falcon then walked out the door, closing it ever so gently so as to not to disturb the heavier sleepers in the cabin.

Linus got back into bed. He picked up his blanket and inserted his thumb into his mouth, contemplating the disturbing reform faith has caused on Captain Falcon.


The contestants once again sat at their tables in the mess hall, sorted by team, and most of them staring at their "food" silently. Of course, Owen was chowing down, but nobody else, not even Garfield, dared take a bite.

Nobody wanted to think about what would happen when their secret food stashes ran out.

Linus stared into his bowl of gruel, watching as it started moving slightly. Jason shuffled closer to Linus.
"What do you reckon we're gonna do today?" asked Jason.
"Whatever it is, it's not going to be fun if Chris had any hand in it," replied Linus.
"I'm going down to the Dock of Shame to find out," said Jason, and stood up.

Linus watched as Jason ran out the door, before looking at his food, grabbing his blanket and following.


Jason poked his head out from the bushes. He fixed his eyes on Chris, who was painting a picture along with a show on his portable TV.
"Darn it, why can't I make these trees happy enough?" Chris mumbled, before setting down his brush and palette and turning off the TV. He then decided to lie down on a nearby deck chair.

"What is it?" asked a voice behind Jason.
Jason looked over his shoulder, locking gazes with Linus.
"No idea," Jason answered, slightly confused, "There's nothing set up, just Chris painting unhappy little trees."
Linus raised an eyebrow. "That is very peculiar. Perhaps they want us to meet away from the challenge so as to create suspense?"
"Perhaps."


The contestants filed onto the beach. By this time Chris had packed his TV and painting equipment.
"Welcome to the next challenge, contestants!" announced the sadist, "The reason I brought you here is because this is where the challenge was the LAST time it was held!"
Tyler and DJ exchanged a glance, wordlessly confirming their suspicions as to what the challenge might be.
Chris continued, "Everybody, with me to the Garfield gym!" and motioned for the contestants to do so.


The contestants were gathered on the basketball court in the Garfield gym. Chris and Chef stood on the bleachers before them, Chris holding a microphone. The ever-present Peroxide and fan could be seen in the back, setting up a Squishee(R) machine.
"Ladies and gentlemen, today's challenge is going to be a DODGEBALL TOURNAMENT!" Chris proclaimed.
Pyrotechnics sparked on either side of the bleachers Chris and Chef were on. This caused a small fire on one side of the bleachers.
"JB!" Chris shouted, putting his hands around his mouth.

That dang intern ran over to the bleachers with a fire blanket. On his way, he tripped, hitting his head on Chris's bleachers. Not only was this going to leave a tough stain, but it also caused the fire to spread to JB's hair. He screamed and ran around as the fire engulfed his whole body, and all the while the crowd watched in fascination. He wailed in agony as his skin and flesh bubbled. Eventually JB keeled over, burnt to a crisp.

"I think he's dead," observed Arlene.
"Hallelujah!" proclaimed fan.

Two more interns stepped in, one using a fire extinguisher on the bleachers and the other removing JB's remains.

After this was done, Chris continued explaining as if he hadn't missed a beat. "Now, how this tournament is going to work, is we're going to have four rounds! The first round is going to have six best-of-three, 5-on-5 dodgeball matches, with one lucky team getting a bye to the next round! The winners of the matches and the team with the bye moves on to the second round, where there will be three matches and a bye! The winners and bye team will go to the third round, where two more matches will take place. The winners will face off against each other in the final round, where they are eligible for these three prizes!" Chris motioned to one of the large screens otherwise used as a scoreboard/instant replay, which was instead displaying a question mark.

"The first prize is one football, for entertainment purposes!" Chris announced, as the screen showed the item in question.
Charlie Brown, hearing these words, looked up to the screen. Suddenly, he was much more determined.

"The second prize, ladies and gentlemen, will be $10,000 Canadian Dollars or your local equivalent! It will be provided as you leave the island if you are eliminated, or tacked on to the grand prize in the statistically unlikely event that you win."
An excited murmur ran throught the crowd. There had to be a catch for such great prizes, however.

"The THIRD prize!" Chris shouted, silencing the crowd, "is a poison mushroom! This poison mushroom will allow your team to have any one person eliminated at any time, and they will leave at the end of the day. Its ownership is tied to the captain, so if they change teams, the prize goes with them, and if they make it to the merge with it, it's theirs and theirs alone. If the captain is eliminated before the poison mushroom is used, they have the option of taking one person with them OR putting it up for grabs as a bonus prize in the following challenge!"
Loud, excited conversation began among the contestants. Chris held his microphone to the speaker above his head, the ear-splitting feedback silencing everybody.

"HOWEVER," Chris continued, "The team that loses the final match has to vote somebody off."
Of course.
"Now, Chef will select the teams for the first match."

Chef Hatchet pulled a digital wheel from behind the bleachers. On it was the names of each team. He activated the wheel and it spun, the digital peg coming to rest on Team Friendship. This option disappeared, with the screens in the arena pulling up a matchup screen featuring Team Friendship versus mystery opponents, and he spun the wheel again, rolling the Killer Bass. This too disappeared from the wheel, with the selection reflected as the opponents on the matchup screen.

Chris raised his microphone back to his face. "Killer Bass and Friendship, pick five people to play each, substitution optional between rounds, catching results in the thrower being out and the only way to win a point is to get everyone on the other team out, no time limit. Everyone else, pick a set of bleachers, your games will come."


The Buddy Bears Billy, Bobby and Bertie stood before their team, Team Friendship
"As captains, we feel it is our duty to be on the court for the whole game," said Billy.
"Yet as pacifists, we are against dodgeball," Bertie added.
"In the interest of fairness, before each round of the game we will pick two other players by drawing from a hat," Bobby finished, removing and inverting his hat to reveal it to contain eight slips of paper.
"Why not just put in the most obviously talented players? Like someone with powerful survival instinct that will dodge every ball?" Penelope asked, pointing to Catzilla, who had punctured the red tank on the Squishee(R) machine, and was sucking out the allegedly all-artificial iced syrup with no regard for brainfreeze risks.
"Because EVERYONE deserves a fair go," Bobby responded, spreading his arms.
"Everyone?" Penelope asked, motioning to Ugly with her head.

The Buddy Bears, shielding their eyes from Ugly using their hands, stared at Penelope for a few moments before Bertie and Billy each drew a slip of paper from Bobby's hat. Written on the slips were the names of Penelope and Cactus Jake.
Penelope shrugged and walked onto the court. Cactus Jake did likewise. The Buddy Bears followed.


Cody scanned the bleachers for a good choice. Eventually Duncan pushed him out of the way to take charge.
"Alright," said Duncan, pushing Cody to an open spot, "We're gonna need three things: skill, strategy and stones."
Lindsay fished a rock with three googly eyes on it out of her pocket. "Like this?" she asked, confident nearly to the point of the question being rhetorical.
Duncan snatched the rock and threw it across the court, nailing an unsuspecting Odie in the head. Unsuspecting, that is, of being hit in the head with a three-eyed rock.

"Meanie Genie didn't deserve that," Lindsay pouted.
"Tell it to the judge," Duncan snarked (hoping she wouldn't take this literally as he was already looking forward to charges for six counts of animal abuse, among other things, upon returning home), "I'm going on and so are Izzy, Harold, Bridgette and Sierra."
"ALL RIGHT!" Sierra cheered, throwing her arms in the air and accidentally delivering a knockout punch to Charlie Brown, "I'M WINNING THIS FOR YOU, CODY! WOO!"


Game 1: Team Friendship vs Killer Bass

Friendship: Billy Bear, Bobby Bear, Bertie Bear, Penelope and Cactus Jake

Bass: Duncan, Izzy, Sierra, Harold and Bridgette

Chef Hatchet fired the starting pistol. A clanging noise was emitted from the ceiling, followed by the whizzing of a projectile past Charlie Brown's head and the shattering of a window. Nobody moved. Chris leaned over to Chef.
"What's this?" Chris asked.
"Remember how this week's payment of the budget had enough left over for blanks or a painting kit and DVD?" Chef asked back.
Chris nodded and returned to his previous position.

Chef instead pulled out a microphone of his own and yelled into it, "GO GO GO!"

The teams rushed to the array of dodgeballs at the center of the court and blindly threw them towards the opposite side, stumbling backwards to avoid getting eliminated themselves. The Buddy Bears, electing not to participate in such a barbaric sport, stayed back. However, Cactus Jake and Sierra both were hit and eliminated.

Duncan, Sierra and Bridgette didn't even need to use the former's rush strategy, dispatching the Buddy Bears with one ball each. At this point, Penelope held all six balls. She threw one at Harold. He nearly caught it, but it had enough topspin to bounce from his hands and hit him in the jaw, knocking his glasses off.

Duncan, not impressed, picked up the dodgeball and threw it right back at Penelope, hitting her in the face and slamming her head to the ground.

Confession Cam

Penelope- [Head wrapped in bandages] Somebody remind me why I'm in this.

Duncan- Oh, so THAT's why so many people are in this: For me to plow right through them.

END

Chef dragged Penelope over to the sidelines. Floyd and Harry, chosen by the luck of the draw, jogged onto the court to replace her and Cactus Jake.

Subs: Penelope - Floyd

Cactus Jake - Harry

Game 2

The Bass once again rushed to the center to claim balls, but lowered them as they watched Harry submit to his instincts, chasing Floyd around the court. The Bass looked to Duncan for orders. He shrugged and threw a ball, bowling over Floyd. The others followed suit, dispatching the other four.

Chef Hatchet blew his whistle. "Bass beat Friendship 2-0!" he announced.

Chris spun the wheel. It came up with Those Guys and Team Publicity.


Team Publicity quickly snapped up the balls. However, they then attempted to one-up each other. Duffman hooked his leg over his arm as he threw. Dr. Nick threw with his back turned. Disco Stu hit his ball with his head. This continued until each team member was disposed of, their showboating ending up as their downfall.


Team Golden Donut vs Team Royal

"Alright," Lisa explained, "I'm going to need Lenny, Carl, Kent and Bart."

Bart looked up from his [insert trendy item here.]

"What we need to do is..." she motioned for a huddle.

The five started their match against Team Royal, using tricky throws and dodges to tire them out. Eventually, the four willing players of Team Royal began throwing sloppily (and the fifth not at all), resulting in ten throws and ten hits.

As Team Royal walked, heads hung in shame, something clicked in Toadette's head.

"We had more players," she mumbled.
"Certainly not! You're more senile than I!" Toadsworth exclaimed a little too loudly and quickly.
"We had Rosalina, Birdo, Yoshi and Donkey Kong," Toadette continued.

Diddy, Peach and Daisy agreed.

"You're all imagining!" he yelled, throwing his hands into the air before toppling over from lack of support from his now-raised cane.
"We had them before. Why did they switch teams?" Toadette demanded.
"I certainly had nothing to do with it!" wheezed Toadsworth as he picked himself up off the floor.


Team 64 vs Team Springfield Elementary

Yoshi, Birdo, Donkey Kong, Rosalina and Waluigi walked onto the court. Milhouse, Nelson and Martin, schoolchildren and therefore natural dodgeball players (Martin's knowledge of physics compensating for his poor physical ability) stood opposite them, followed by Krusty and Otto, two of the three (the third being Skinner) other players on the team both capable and willing to play. Team 64 snatched up all the balls. Waluigi, Yoshi and Rosalina each grabbed one, and Birdo sucked up the rest, holding one in each hand and a third in her... oral cavity? Irregardfully of this discussion of terminology, her teammates launched their balls. One hit Otto. Nelson dodged another. Krusty caught DK's, eliminating him. Birdo then fired off her balls from her mouth-cannon, hitting the three children of Springfield Elementary. She then inhaled, pulling Krusty's ball right out of his hands. She proceeded to fire it right back, smacking the clown right in the squeaky nose.

"Like what you see?" Birdo asked Yoshi. "I've been practicing just for you." She winked.
Yoshi's jaw figuratively hit the floor. He rushed over to the celebrity captain SMG4.

"Hey, we've got a good deal going, right?" Yoshi asked sheepishly, "I've proven myself last challenge, haven't I? I think I can tell you now I can do something like that again if you just GET THAT PINK FREAK OFF THE COURT IMMEDIATELY!"

Kirby, confused, looked at Linus, who was sitting next to him. Linus shook his head.

SMG4 nodded to Yoshi. "Birdo!" he called, "Off!"
Birdo obliged, leaving the court to be replaced by Mario.

Sub: Birdo - Mario

"Yippee!" Mario cheered, flipping around the court, "Imma gonna get balls! I'm not allowed to-a play with my own balls at the castle! Toadsworth says it's-a dangerous!" He fell on his face.
Team Royal's four saner members gave even more intense looks at Toadsworth.
"What?" he countered, "I've kept Mario from playing baseball for 8 years and I don't plan on dropping that streak!"
"Mario Sports Superstars," Peach responded matter-of-factly.
"We don't talk about Mario Sports Superstars," the other members whispered menacingly.

The game began, and with Birdo not there to carry the team, and with Mario blocking his teammates' shots, Team 64 were easy pickings for their opponents to come back and win the best of the three games.


Team Nermal vs Sceaming Gophers

"Alright, my minions," said Nermal with an evil laugh, "I'm taking my brother, the duck's brother, the postman and-"
"Me." Jill interrupted.
"Oh no," squeaked the cutest kitty-cat in the whole wide world.

The teams walked onto the court. Jill, as wide as the court, blocked her team's access to the balls while also being a very easy target. She was hit in seconds.
"WHY IN THE [BEEP] DID YOU NOT ALL PROTECT ME?!" she screamed, as a vein in her forehead burst and blood trickled down her face.
She sat on her team.
Flattened, they were out very quickly.

The next game started, and the very same happened.
"YOU IDIOTS!" Jill wailed, "YOU PEOPLE COULDN'T THROW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!"


"Any ideas?" Bowser asked Luigi.
Kamek tugged on Bowser's arm. "Sir, it's dodgeball; we don't need to ask help from-"
"SHUT UP!" Bowser growled. He motioned for Luigi to answer.
"Well, I'm not sure this risk is really worth it. We're not going to be punished for dropping out now-"
Kamek interjected again, "Sir, we really don't-"
"PROBATION!" Bowser snarled.
"I... Yes, sir," Kamek sighed.

Garfield, overhearing the conversation, got a wonderful idea. Why not go in with his four worst players? His mom, Jon's mom, Odie and his daughter Merine? He inserted them onto the roster for the match, causing a very ridiculous-looking defeat at the hands of Team Garfield.


As the Toxic Rats had a bye, the next round began. Next, Team Garfield faced off against Team Springfield Elementary.

"I can do this with one hand tied behind my back," said Jon's Grandma, "and I'll prove it."
She picked up a rope that lay handy and Doc Boy tied an intricate farm-grade knot around her waist and left arm.
The teams walked onto the court.

"This is going to be elementary, my friends," whispered Martin, as the game began. He caught a sloppy ball from Odie before a shot from Grandma knocked him in the face so hard that his shoes sailed through the air and caught in the rafters, shoelaces wrapped around the supports like a constrictor around its prey.
The rest of the game continued in this manner, with Team Springfield Elementary briefly gaining the advantage, only to be shut down quickly by the centenarian powerhouse.

The next game was the Toxic Rats vs Team Golden Donut.

"Alright team," Lisa began, hands clasped behind her back, "This game we're going to need to-"
"Lisa, you're boring me!" Homer interjected bustily, "You're no fun with your 'stragety'! You kids are OUTTA here! You too, news guy."
"Damn, I haven't played since the NCAA dodgeball semifinals of '78," mumbled Brockman.
"Now, who's going in?" Homer thought aloud, staring at his two other teammates, Mr Burns and Mayor Quimby.
They waited patiently for him to decide.
Homer kept staring at them, unable to choose two of the two men before him.
"Alright, Simpson, you drive a hard bargain," Burns exclaimed at last, "I'll slip you a few Benjamins if you'll hurry up and pick me."
Homer turned around and reached behind him as Monty did as promised. Homer faced Quimby, again in mentally-impaired indecision.
Quimby sighed and matched the rich old man's offer.

The game began. It ended moments later, thanks to Burns and Quimby's terrible athletic skill and Homer's choice to converse with Lenny and Carl rather than dodge balls.

The Toxic Rats' five walked back to their stands, catching high fives and back pats for their beating five middle-aged-to-elderly men at dodgeball.

Next was the Screaming Gophers against Those Guys.

The team of Peppermint Patty, Lucy van Pelt, Peter Fox, Snoopy and Bucky Katt walked onto the court. Linus and Jason caught up to Patty and caught her shoulder.
"Let's talk strategy," said Linus.
"All ears," Patty replied.
Jason began, "What I say you're going to need to do-" before he was interrupted by the voice of Lucy piercing the air:

"CHARGE!"

Not half a minute later, it was all over. The elder van Pelt's refusal to wait for direction and think strategically had brought about their loss.

With the Killer Bass earning a bye, the next round of games began.

The Bass were next to play the Gophers. With Noah and Duncan's strategy countering each other's with the exploitation of oversights, the game went on for awhile before Chris stopped the game.

"Alright, teams, I'm going to have a sudden death!" he announced, "Each captain plus one member of their choosing! One ball only!"

"Who to pick..." Shawn mused, looking over his team
"Make it good," Noah commented, pointing at the opposing team of Cody and Izzy, "You're gonna face the girl who hammered the Pentagon until it was a square, then broke in and stole a missile warhead as a souvenir."
"Oh jeez," Shawn shuddered, "In that case, I'm going with Topher."
The wannabe immediately cheered and ran onto the court. As he began calling for Chris's attention, the Gophers had questions.
"Why him?" was the main one.
"Rule number one:" Shawn explained, "Never be the easiest target." He made his way onto the court before anyone could point out how there has to be someone that is the easiest target and therefore cannot follow the rule.

Quickly, Cody and Topher were dispatched, though Izzy had met a match in Shawn. Each had years of training in dodging threats. The only difference was that Shawn's dodges eventually became increasingly sluggish, until the balls began to brush against his eyelashes as they whizzed by. Izzy, on the other hand, only seemed to get faster, and the contestants in the bleachers began to get the feeling they were watching the cat playing with the cornered mouse before the mouse is inevitably caught and consumed.
Izzy watched another wild throw fly past her when she tired of toying with the survivalist and picked up the ball.
Shawn panicked. He began retreating. Izzy tossed the ball in a high arc, landing square on the head of the paranoiac at he reached the back wall, knocking him down and causing his exhaustion to get the better of him, robbing him of awareness of his surroundings.

Next was Team Garfield versus the Toxic Rats. Garfield, so confident after the previous wins, put himself, Grandma, Odie, Arlene and Merine into the game. This went fine for the first round, but a slip-up from Grandma sent them into the tiebreaker round. Garfield was still confident in the arthritis-defier's abilities, refused to change the team, before finding them up against Owen, B, Jo, Mike and the just-substituted-in Dakota, who had just gone into her powered-up mutant form.

"Sarò presto con te, Signore Esposito," Garfield said under his breath, in a prayer to the legendary creator of pizza, whom he recognized as a deity (along with the legendary creators of pasta, gelato, lasagna and coffee).

The team got the balls to Grandma, who only managed to hit Mike before the Rats held all the balls. They each picked a target and loosed their balls, each hitting a member of Team Garfield. Naturally, Grandma was the only one to not be targeted, as the enemy knew she was too large a threat to be taken out with a single ball. She took the balls and threw them one at a time. Owen sidestepped a shot. B flipped over a shot. Jo spread her legs as a ball passed between her knees. Dakota dropped to a knee as a ball flew over her head and lodged itself in the rafters, knocking down Martin's shoes (to which the young geek rejoiced). Each Rat took a ball and threw back. Grandma limboed under a ball, let another fly between her legs as she performed a one-handed, split-legged handstand, leapfrogged a third before a high-angle shot from Dakota hit her right in the glasses, breaking them and knocking her onto her back.

Chris and Chef whispered to each other before an intern came to check on her. She sat bolt upright, headbutting the intern, who clutched his forehead in pain as he whimpered at the very thought of the piece of glass now lodged in his cranium.

"Thought you could kill the combined 263-time (and current for all but one) World Judo, Karate, Kenpo, Jeet Kune Do, Chun Kuk Do, Sumo and Motocross Champion of the World? HA! You're good, girlie, but not that good!" laughed the immortal old lady.

"That's... pretty amazing," said Chris, "But that's still a win for the Toxic Rats."


A "Final Showdown" graphic flew onscreen as the final two teams prepared to begin the match: The Toxic Rats were on the court, while Cody was still deciding on his final team.

Heather stood up and whispered into Cody's ear. Cody's face went as red as a Ferrari and he stood aside.
"Alright, losers," Heather began, in her best drill-sergeant tone, "We're going to have a little shake-up of the roster! This game we'll send out Sierra, Izzy, Lindsay, Beth and Charlie Brown!"
The girls of Heather's alliance cheered. Charlie Brown gulped. Cody's face went from red to white faster than the majority of the population of America after the British discovered it. The remainder of the team all began shouting at nobody in particular about this terrible team choice.
"SILENCE, DIRTBAGS!" Heather screamed, "The lineup is final."
"Uh, Heather, shouldn't we-" Cody mumbled in her general direction.
"You do want a peek at the goods, don't you?" Heather asked him.
"Well, I..." Cody looked down. "...Yes."

Heather's lackeys shuffled onto the court.

Mike tapped Heather on the shoulder.
"Let's make this interesting," he suggested, "One round only."
Heather smiled. They shook on the deal and told the hosts. One announcement later, the teams were set to go.

The game began. Lindsay began dribbling a dodgeball like it was a basketball. She was hit. Sierra attemped a backwards throw to impress the eternally-nonreciprocating Cody. She was hit. Beth tripped over, losing her glasses. She was hit. Izzy picked up a ball, realized she had a weapon with which to deliver a shot that would kill a child but only severely injure a teenage midget, and threw as hard as she could at Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown, predicting that Izzy's unpredictable nature would come into play, ducked and the ball flew directly into the face of none other than Chris McLean, knocking him onto the floor and spoiling his recent facelift.

"Hitting a judge is grounds for disqualification!" he groaned, "YOU'RE OUT!"

Charlie Brown stared at the five teenagers with large balls that they planned to use on him. They threw the dodgeballs at Charlie Brown, hitting hard enough to strip him to his underwear and one sock.

"Just like old times," he sighed as he lay defeated on a pile of his clothes.


The teams began to file out of the gym, when Chad and Troy locked the doors.
"Wait a minute, guys," Chris grinned, "You've forgotten the first rule of Survivor clones!"
Noah began, "Do not ta-"
"You lose, you vote!" Chris continued.
Noah made a "so close" hand gesture to his team while Chris rattled off the teams that lost in the first round.

"...So that means Team Friendship, Team Publicity, Team Royal, Team 64, Team Nermal and Team Bowser are all going to vote!"

Bowser's jaw metaphorically hit the floor. He turned to the green defector.
"You assured me we'd not get sent to vote-offs for this!" He roared.
"I-I-I had no way of forseeing this coming, Mr Bowser, sir," Luigi stammered.
"Give me one reason to continue to trust you after this, plumber."
"Your son's planning a coup?"
"NEVER!" Bowser turned his back on Luigi.
"I've told you this all along," Kamek whispered to the Koopa king.
"Very well. I will forgive you for your insubordination, Kamek, but just this once."
"In that case, might I recommend voting for Luigi? He is the black sheep here. There's you, your advisor, your bas- uh, your kids and your second-biggest enemy. Voting for anyone else is suicide."
"Very well."

Bowser gave his kids an order to meet him on the beach and stormed out of the gym.


"WHAT?!" Toadette screamed.
"Now, a chance to get the Princess back to the safety of her castle," Toadsworth said quickly, as calling dibs on Peach's elimination on her behalf.
"Ohhhhh no she ain't," Toadette growled, jabbing her finger into Toadsworth's chest, "You're the one going tonight."
"So be it then. If the end result is the Princess's safety, I am willing to make any sacrifice."
"How about sacrificing a goat?" suggested Peach.
"Peach!" Toadsworth gasped, appalled at her behavior, which was extremely unbecoming of royalty.
"In case you didn't notice, you have no leverage for what you're doing here. Not only am I the team captain, but I'm also part of the team's majority alliance, which is currently openly targeting you."
Toadsworth scoffed and made other noises of indignation before he too stormed out.


Later...

Diddy Kong lay on the beach, sitting against a tree. He peeled a banana he had found in a tree and squeezed it so that it would fly into his mouth, not unlike a bar of soap in the shower. Save for the mouth part, of course. In most cases, at least.

Enter Toadsworth.

"Good heavens, Master Kong!" he exclaimed, "That is not a fitting method of eating bananas for the teammate of a princess!"
"That's not a fitting method of... stepping in front of a train," the junior Kong mumbled.
"What was that?" Toadsworth asked in his patent-pending fatherly tone.
"Nothing," Diddy replied quickly.
"WHAT IN THE NINE CIRCLES OF BOWSER'S CASTLE ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" came a voice from above.

Toadette dropped down.
"You two have been plotting against me, haven't you?!" she screamed.
They both shook their heads slowly.
Toadette backed away, not taking her eyes off them, for fear that they'd continue to conspire.
"Well..." Toadsworth sighed, "I suppose this means we'll need to actually plot against her, seeing as she's now plotting against us based on a then-mistaken assumption of us plotting against her. Do we have an alliance?" the elder Toad extended his hand.
Diddy slapped it away and ran off.
Toadsworth growled, gripping his cane hard enough to break the head clean off.


The Buddy Bears were playing a game of three-way chess (and politely refusing to capture any peices) in their room when their teammates burst through the door, led by none other than Penelope.
"Your near-Canadian levels of politeness are misplaced in this game," the cat hissed, "we're going to get one of you bears."
"Wait a minute," interjected Floyd, "Chris's Canadian."
"I'm sure his mother was, but I doubt any of his five dads were." Penelope retorted.

"Why, Penelope!" said Bobby Bear, "Don't you know? When you disagree, all you're doing is stirring up trouble for everyone."
"First of all, you're the one's disagreeing, as we provided the concept of you being voted off, which you refuted, making you the disagreeer."
Bobby was reduced to incomprehensible stammering by that dose of logic, but Penelope wasn't done. She leaned in close.
"But let's ignore that. Let's play along with your self-centered little argument. You know who else disagreed on the topic of elimination? The Jews."
The Buddy Bears, and the whole of Team Friendship, were stunned into silence. The bears looked at each other for a moment, at Penelope and back at each other before they began bawling, leaping into each other's arms for emotional comfort.

"Are... you okay there Penelope?" Floyd asked.
"Okay? I just made the freakin' Buddy Bears anti-semites. That'd emotionally stabilize a 97-year-old 'Nam vet with cancer."
"Point taken."


Nermal and a few trusted teammates (Normal, Wade and Wide) and, at her insistence, Jill, were discussing elimination.
"Tell you guys what I think," said Nermal, "I think we should vote out the mailman."
"Why Herman?" enquired Normal.
"Garfield hates him. Garfield hates expending energy. He expends more energy when working to remove the presence of someone he hates. Take him out of the equation, Garfield sees that he's beaten a rival and can slack off more."

"Just crazy enough to work," Wide commented, "But what if we were to go for a certain lardo?"
"YOU TALKING ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE SH!%?!" Jill yelled.
The other four members of the temporary alliance attempted to hide behind each other, the resulting chaos ending with Nermal, Normal and Wade hiding behind Wide.

"WELL?!" Jill demanded.
"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no," Wide lied, "We'd never. I was talking about Irma. She runs a diner. You ever seen a skinny diner owner?"
Jill considered for a minute,
"WE VOTE FOR THE MAILMAN!"
The two pairs of brothers, and the rest of the team (who were standing near enough to hear- not a big accomplishment considering who they were dropping eaves on, but that is irrelevant) were once again fearful for their lives. They all mumbled carefully-worded agreements.


Dr. Hibbert had gathered his team (with the notable exception of Dr. Nick) by some miracle.
"Guys, I know that we're a bit of an every-man-for-himself team," Hibbert began, "but we need to coordinate and vote out Dr. Nick. As much as his being here is keeping Springfield healthy, if he tries to treat one of us with herbal medicine he's likely to kill us!"
That struck a cord with the team. Most were nodding in agreement. Duffman, however, backed out of the huddle.

"Whoa now, doctor, Duffman needs alcoholic doctors to keep up Duff's public image! How else will we say that half the doctors here prefer our products?" Duffman threw a can of beer into the air. Dr. Nick ran past, snatching it at the apex of its flight. Duffman walked after him.
"I'm out too," Chief Wiggum said nervously, "I can't punish him for malpractice... Let's just say he pays me well. Wait, scratch that, I meant to use a meta-"
"Just go," Hibbert sighed, his face resting in one hand.
Wiggum obliged.


The first meeting of Heather's alliance had come into session, in the Killer Bass cabin.
"Alright, you worthless fools," the brilliant negotiator that is Heather began, "You all know you will be OUTTA HERE in five seconds without me. So listen here. First order of business: We need leverage." She turned to Lindsay. "Lindsay, do us all a favour. Go rope somebody into our alliance. How about Tyler? He seems easy."

The blonde nodded and turned to leave. Heather grabbed her arm.
"Not now you idiot!" she sighed. "Before you go do that, I've decided who we will vote for."
She pulled a notepad and paper out of hammerspace and quickly sketched a face and stuck it to the wall. The wall was sticky because of the ultra-hazardous and ultra-cheap version of asbestos that Chris had elected to use in the cabins, which was produced in a mad laboratory, run by a mad scientist with the goal of giving asbestos extreme stickiness. The face she had drawn was that of Alejandro.
"Can I jutht athk, why him?" Beth said, half-not wanting Heather to hear for fear of a freakout.
"WATCH THE BACKTALK! And I chose him to go because of... reasons."

Everybody stared.

"...Including his manipulative skill threatening us all..?"

Everybody stared.

"Alright, it's personal!" admitted the Queen Hypocrite.

Everybody ceased staring. They didn't mind removing a manipulator, they were merely suspicious of the other manipulator trying to manipulate to get the first manipulator off the show, as one must be careful not to be manipulated when it's manipulatory manipulator manipulating against manipulator manipulating the manipulatable manipulatees. Does manipulate still look like a word to you?
Heather wasted no time in ending that line of enquiry, finishing with, "In closing: Today's assignments: We're voting for Alejandro, Lindsay's recruiting Tyler and the rest of you oafs are going to find me an Immunity Idol! I know there's one somewhere."

At that moment, Chris's voice boomed from the PA.

"Attention campers! We have an announcement to make!" came the voice of the ex-convict that had accepted legal responsibility for over 100 people, including numerous minors, "We have hidden ten Immunity Idols around the island! If found, you may use them to save yourself from elimination if you believe you are in danger of elimination, nullifying your votes at that vote-off!"

"Told you," smirked Heather. "NOW GET TO WORK!"


Bowser was simultaneously holding a secret tactics meeting in the shed their food supply is stocked in. He was about to finalise the choice to vote for Luigi when...

"Daddy, can I ask one question?" asked Wendy O. Koopa, the team's token female.
"What?"
"Who's our mother?"
"This is neither the time nor the place to-"
"And where do baby Koopas come from?"
"We'll discuss that later, sweetie, but-"
"But Daddy, at least tell me what 'the birds and the bees' are!"
Bowser sighed, rubbing his forehead with his hand.
"Daddyyyy-"

"ALRIGHT! ENOUGH! CHANGE OF PLANS! YOU ALL VOTE FOR WENDY!" Bowser roared.

Kamek tugged on Bowser's arm. "Sir, you should really-"
"NON-NEGOTIABLE!" Bowser stormed out. Kamek and Bowser Jr. quickly followed.
Wendy turned to her siblings. "He's so mean! You guys will vote for him tonight, right?"
Each of the other Koopalings shook their head.
"Come onnnnnnnnnn!" Wendy whined.
Still no confirmation.
"Alright, fine! GET OUT THEN! OUT! OUT!" She screeched. The other Koopalings quickly flooded out the door.

Bowser returned to the shed only to see Wendy standing in the doorway, with her best post-tantrum face.
"Alright kiddo," the Koopa king began, "I may have overreact-"
Wendy slammed the door in Bowser's face, followed by the unmistakable noise of the door locking.

"Alright, Wendy, open the door!"
"NO!" came the voice of his daughter.
"Wendy O. Koopa, you open that door this instant!"

Nothing could be heard in response except a faint cry of "IT'S MY LIIIIFE!"

Bowser threw his hands up and walked off.

Confession Cam

Bowser- *He shrugs* Her choice. Might as well remove the dissenter.

Wendy- When I get home, I'm going to break so many things that all the ? boxes in the Mushroom Kingdom won't have enough money to replace them!

END

The Killer Bass were assembled at the campfire, having just voted.

"Alright, Bass! I see you have fourteen members. Tragically, I have only thirteen marshmallows. Which means one of you will be going home tonight!" Chris announced, grinning, "Anyone got an idol to play?"

Nobody seemed to have an idol.

"Anyway, I can say that these people certainly won't be that person: Cody! Sierra! Izzy! Duncan! Lindsay! Tyler! Beth! DJ! LeShawna! Harold! Bridgette!

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and Charlie Brown! Heather, Alejandro, this is the final marshmallow. It is going to...

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...It's a tie!"

"WHAT?!" exclaimed pretty much everyone not allied with Heather.

"How... how could that happen?" DJ asked, stunned.

"There is a traitor in our midst! A dirty, backstabbing cabrón!" Alejandro exclaimed.

"Is it you?" Duncan asked.

Confession Cam

Alejandro- Fóllate, traidor! Cuando descubra quién eres yo asesinaré a tu madre y correré en su cadáver!

Tyler- ...Did I just do something evil?

END

Chad had collected Team Nermal into the voting room of the Garfield gym and collected their votes. He picked up the sheet printed out by the vote counting machine.

"Alright, Team Nermal, you are about to find out just who is going home tonight! I'm going to read off the votes now!" he scanned the sheet, which had algorithmically sorted the votes in order for prime drama.

"We have one vote for Herman Post..."

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"Two votes for Herman Post..."

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"Three votes for Herman Post..."

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"Four votes for Herman Post..."

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"This is a pivotal vote. If it is for Herman Post, he is going home tonight. The pivotal vote is for..."

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"Herman Post. The remaining votes are for Herman Post, Herman Post, Herman Post and Herman Post."

Nobody was surprised. They had all been subject to the wrath of the Snorlax.

Voting Confessionals

Nermal- I-

Normal- -am-

Wade- -not-

Wide- -interested-

Irma- -in-

Liz- -getting-

Ellen- -murdered-

Herman Post- -by Jill. I'm going to have to vote for myself.

Nermal- Herman.

Normal- Herman.

Wade- Herman.

Wide- Herman.

Irma- Herman.

Liz- Herman.

Ellen- Herman.

Jill- The mailman.

END

The contestants filed out, to be replaced by Team Friendship, also due to vote off a member.

"Team Friendship," Chad began, "You all look like you've made up your minds."
The team collectively nodded.
"Well, I won't stop you then. Penelope, you may vote now."

Voting Confessional

Penelope- *Voted for The Older Bear (Bobby Bear)* There is a saying in France, on se voit en enfer. This seems like an appropriate situation.

END

After the other contestants had voted (save for the Buddy Bears, ever-adamant on not voting), Chad collected the vote summary.

"We have one vote for Bobby Bear..."

The Buddy Bears gasped.

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"Two votes for Bobby Bear..."
"Who would do this?" asked Bobby.

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"Three votes for Bobby Bear..."
"Why would someone do this?" asked Billy Bear.

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"Four votes for Bobby Bear..."
"How could someone do this?" asked Bertie Bear.

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"Five votes for Bobby Bear..."

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"This is a pivotal vote. If it is for Bobby Bear, he will be eliminated."

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"Six votes for Bobby Bear. The remaining votes were Bobby Bear, Bobby Bear, Bobby Bear and Bobby Bear."

Pause.

The Buddy Bears burst into tears, hugging each other.
"THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL!" wailed Bertie.
"Neither is this game," Penelope countered.

Voting Confessionals

Ugly- *Voted for The Older Bear (Bobby Bear)*

Cactus Jake- *Voted for Older Bear (Bobby Bear)* Saddest excuses for living creatures I ever seen.

Floyd- *Voted for Bobby Bear* Too nice for this game. You need to go.

Harry- *Voted for The Older Bear (Bobby Bear)* It sickens me just how goody-two-shoes those bears are. I can't even afford one shoe.

Vito- *Voted for The Tall Bear (Bobby Bear)* I bastardi cazzo sono troppo allegri.

Eddie Gourmand- *Voted for Big Brother Bear (Bobby Bear)* They talk so much about sharing, they neglect that people don't all have the same recommended food portions.

Catzilla- *Voted for BOB (Bobby Bear)*

END

The contestants stood to leave.
"Wait," said Chad. Everyone stopped.
"Who here voted for Herman?"
Everyone raised their hand.
"Oh, alright then," said Chad, "I was worried something was wrong with the vote counter since every vote has been for the same person for this vote and the last one."
The team, satisfied with the explanation, completed their exit.


Troy McClure stood before the Team Publicity contestants.
Troy began, "H-"
"GET TO THE POINT!" everyone yelled.

"One of these days I'll say the whole thing," he muttered. "Now, you folks have lost the challenge. Dr. Nick, do you feel safe tonight?"
"No sir, Mr McClure!" Nick lamented.
"Why is that?"
"Well, I was doing my thing when Duffman comes to me and tells me that Dr. Hibbert is making an alliance to get me out! That's just unethical!"

"What would you know about ethical, you quack?!" Hibbert interrupted.
"I don't think someone as patronizing as you should be calling other people out, Mr Give-the-Quadriplegic-a-Lollipop!"
"WOMEN IN BIKINIS!" Troy yelled. Everyone went silent.
"I'm sorry for having to take such drastic measures, but there will be no fighting at the elimination ceremony. Hibbert, please vote."

Voting confessionals

Dr Hibbert- *Voted for Nick (Dr Nick)* Quack.

Dr Nick- *Voted for Dr Hibbert* Buzzkill.

END

"Alright," said Troy, "I've counted the votes. First vote is...

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Dr Nick. Second vote...

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Dr Hibbert. That's one vote Nick, one vote Hibbert.

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Nick, that's two votes Nick, one vote Hibbert...

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Nick, that's three Nick, one Hibbert...

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Hibbert, that's three votes Nick, two Hibbert...

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Hibbert, that's three votes Nick, three Hibbert.

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Nick, four Nick, three Hibbert...

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Nick, five Nick, three Hibbert. This is a pivotal vote. If it is for Dr Nick, he is eliminated...

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Dr Nick."

"DANGIT! With Clancy gone, a competent cop will be checking my place!" Nick whined, "Can I stay here until he's out?"
"Sorry, Nick old buddy," said Troy, "But that's only for the people who make the merge. You're going home."
"I'm having worse luck than Gill," Nick sighed as he made his way out.

Voting Confessionals

Professor Frink- *Voted for Dr Nick* You're a quack.

Chief Wiggum- *Voted for Dr Hibbert* You don't have to bribe me to stay in business.

Disco Stu- *Voted for Dr Nick* You're a quack.

Duffman- *Voted for Dr Hibbert* You're not a sponsor.

Smithers- *Voted for Dr Nick* You're a quack.

Patty & Selma- *Both voted for Dr Nick* Both: You're a quack.

Bumblebee Man- *Voted for Dr Nick* Eres un charlatán.

END

Chad had gathered all three Mario teams into their voting area.
"Guys, what am I going to do with you?" Chad asked. "I don't want to see all three teams here again, because us hosts made a bet, and we get a hundred bucks for each guy from one of our three teams that gets to the merge. You're about to put me 300 bigguns down."
Nobody showed any form of guilt. Chad began with Team Bowser.

"Luigi, you're the only one without any connection to Bowser. How do you fancy your chances?"
"I-I-I dunno, Chad," Luigi stammered, "I haven't a clue who to vote for, 'cause all I know is that I'm on the-the outs, and, uh, I alone am on the outs."

"Well, let's give you an idea. Bowser, who's being targeted after Luigi, hypothetically?"
"Actually, he's not the current target," Bowser stated, "It's Wendy."
"Alright then, that changes a lot!" Chad replied, "I am aware of how tight-knit y'all are. You're all gunning for Wendy?"

Chad pointed to Kamek and each of Bowser's sons, getting a "yes" each time.
"In that case, I think it's safe to say Wendy's out."
Team Bowser filed out, save for a seething Wendy. Chad moved to Team 64.

"Mario, you played a big part in your loss. Do you think you're going home tonight?"
"Never! I'm-a MARIO!" Mario cheered.

"Yoshi, you are the reason he was in the challenge in the first place. Do you feel safe?"
"I did the world a favor, Chad," Yoshi replied.
"You're so sexy when you're non-reciprocating," Birdo whispered into Yoshi's ear.
"NO!" Yoshi screamed, "THIS WON'T END ANY WAY PAST YOU STOPPING YOUR ADVANCES, OR ME GETTING A RESTRAINING ORDER!"

"Moving along!" said Chad, attempting to defuse the situation, "Gerald, who are you voting for?"
"I'm voting for Sam," the Toad said, pointing to his less mature colleague, "He's absolutely psychotic."

"Sam?" asked Chad.
"I'm voting for that impostor Wario."

"Starlow, you seem to have something on your mind." Chad prompted.
"I think Mario should quit. He's having a problem with Sam, and the first thing to try when that happens is remove yourself to see if it stops."

"Well, I think we should vote right now," said Chad. "SMG4, would you like to play your Executive Vote?"
The celebrity captain opened his mouth to speak.
"OY!" shouted Chad. "WE TOLD YOU WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR SPEAKING APPEARANCES!"

He shook his head instead.

The contestants each voted. Chad brought out a tray of 1-UP Mushrooms.
"Are those-a real?" Mario asked excitedly.
"While we didn't cheap out and make mushroom cupcakes or anything, we wouldn't waste the good stuff," Chad chuckled, "We just dyed some red ones. All these will do is give you some mild very powerful and long lasting hallucinations."
Mario rubbed his hands together in anticipation of the drug trip.

"No matter, onto the handing out! Team Royal, go ahead and vote while I'm handing out mushrooms. Safe with no votes are our (way-too-expensive) celebrity captain, Yoshi, DK, Waluigi, Gerald, Petey Piranha, Red Toad, Starlow, Rosalina. Next person safe is...

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...Wario. Mario, Sam, this is the final 1-UP Mushroom. Safe from elimination for another day is...

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Mario, meaning Sam is the 10th person eliminated from Total Crossover Chaos."

Sam's jaw dropped practically right off of his skull. "...Can I at least take a small souvenir with me?" he asked finally.
"I... don't see why not," Chad replied.
Sam yanked some hair from Mario's moustache. Mario screamed. Sam huffed the hair.
"Not what I was thinking when I said you could have a souvenir," Chad mumbled to nobody in particular, as Mario chased Sam into the horizon.

Voting Confessionals

Mario- *Voted for Sam* You damned-a stalker.

Sam- *Voted for Wario* You damned impostor.

Starlow- *Voted for Mario :(* I've already said everything there is to say.

Rosalina- *Voted for Mario* I agree with Starlow. Mario needs to remove himself if he's having interpersonal issues as the first resort.

Wario- *Voted for Sam* Nobody votes for the WARIO!

Waluigi- *Voted for Sam* Nobody votes for Wario.

Yoshi- *Voted for Sam* No Sam, you can't swab me for Mario sweat.

Donkey Kong- *Voted for SAM* *He makes an angry gorilla noise with no particular meaning*

Red Toad- *Voted for Sam* Disgrace to Toadkind! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH AN INSANE TOAD IN THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM! THIS STALKER NEEDS TO BE OUT OF THIS SHOW IMMEDIATELY! *incomprehensible gibberish*

Toad- *Voted for Sam* See, this is exactly the reason there's a civil war in the Mushroom Kingdom. Red Toads, Green Toads, Yellow Toads, Purple Toads, every single Toad is at war with the Royal Toads because of the ones that are just too damn crazy.

fan- If you haven't deduced yet, Royal Toads are the red-spotted, blue-vested Toads, like the Toad for instance.

Birdo- *Voted for Sam* He rifled through the cabin for Mario's dandruff. What a creep.

Petey Piranha- *Voted for Sam* He asked me for the red plumber's "Deek peeks" or something like that. That didn't sound very good.

SMG4- *Voted for Sam* S-

END

"Team Royal!" said Chad, addressing the microteam, "I have your votes here, and lookit that, another tray of mushrooms. Safe with zero respective votes is Daisy...

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Toadette...

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Peach...

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Toadette, Toadsworth, Diddy Kong, there are only two mushrooms next. Safe are...

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...Toadette...

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...and Toadsworth. Meaning 11th voted out of Total Crossover Chaos is Diddy Kong."

Diddy's face paled, visible even through all the hair covering it.

Confession Cam

Diddy- *He carves Toadette's face on the rear wall with a pointy rock, then aggressively crosses it out*

Voting Confessionals

Toadsworth- *Voted for Peach* This. Is. For. Your. Own. Good. I've had to say that a hundred times, none of them made her realize she needs to quit this game or the Mushroom Kingdom is doomed!

Diddy- *Voted for Toadette* *He twirls his finger around his ear in a "cuckoo" motion*

Peach- *Voted for Diddy* If Toadette's right, you need to go.

Daisy- *Voted for Diddy* Toadette knows what you were doing, Diddy. And your plans for the future.

Toadette- *Voted for Diddy* YOU DO NOT DOUBLE-CROSS ME!

Chad and Chris stood on the Dock of Shame, the newly-eliminated contestants loaded into a boat.
"Eliminated tonight were Alejandro, Herman, Bobby Bear, Dr. Nick, Sam and Diddy Kong," said Chris in his usual cheerful manner.

"Any parting words, Alejandro?" Chad asked the Spaniard. Arms folded and facing away, he shook his head. Chad asked the same of Diddy, getting the same response.
"Herman?"
"I guess it's a small consolation that I would've made it to the merge in a normal season. But sometimes, you just get it bad."
"Bobby?"
The older Buddy Bear was too busy crying to respond.
"Dr Nick?"
"Well, there is one thing... Bye, everybody!"
"Bye, Dr Nick! Sam?"
Sam was sitting in the fetal position, squeezing the lock of Mario's hair.

"Alright then. Sayonara." Chad pushed the boat away from the Dock of Shame. Chris and Chad watched it for awhile before it was T-boned by another boat. Chris ran and got a lifesaver. He popped it into his mouth and watched as 6+ people were possibly drowning. Chad gave him a quizzical look. Chris offered him the roll. Chad sighed and ran to get a lifesaver (the floaty ring this time, not the candy) and threw it out into the sea. Soon, eight people floated ashore. The six eliminated contestants, a Scotsman (presumably the person manning the other boat) and...

"JON!" Chad gasped. He sprinted over and hugged his fellow host. "What happened?!"

Jon opened his mouth to speak, but instead several gallons of seawater poured out. When the flood stopped, he opened his mouth again. Out came several more gallons of seawater. Jon waited a few moments after it stopped before opening his mouth again. Yet more seawater poured out, this time taking several minutes to slow to a trickle.
"I think he's cursed," Chris said.
Jon coughed and tried to speak again. Having lost so much water from his system, he descended into a coughing fit.

"I'll tell ye laddies," said the Scotsman, "I was oot on a fishing trip when this manky bairn of a man's coming in on a chunk o' plastic. I pulled him up and he tells me he came in from Canada, so I was like, okay then, ya wee dobber, I'll take ye back there meself if ye can geez me summat good in return, and he whips out his emergency kilt! Always keep an emergency kilt, he said to me. So I took that and... well, here we are, lads!"
"...An emergency kilt." said Chris.
Jon nodded between coughs. "Never leave home without it," he whispered before giving an impressive series of coughs that sounded like he was attempting to cough out both his lungs at the same time.

"Well, okay then," said Chris, "Uh, next time on Total Crossover Chaos."