A/N: Hope you like this but as it's very character development based I understand if you don't feel like reviewing. Although there's lots of foreshadowing and hints in this chapter.
I am currently writing an EPOV which I will post sometime next week probably. It will be under the story title The North Wind and the Sun so put me on author alert if you want to read it. I will be doing several EPOV one shots of key scenes. It won't be The Tortoise and the Hare from Edward's point of view straight chapter for chapter. I warn you now Edward is not how he appears through Bella's eyes, she has a whole other side to him to discover yet which you will see in his POV.
As always much love and thanks to cdunbar my beta, and edwardzukorocks. They put up with my obsessive crap when they should tell me to go away.
JeNnNn- thanks also, bet you're glad you're on the other side of the world away from my craziness!
justjennie- thanks for keeping me laughing over your PMs! And for being so loyal lol! Hope you enjoy Alice in this chapter.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and Procul Harum own 'A Whiter Shade of Pale' (beautiful song).
7. Remember How It Was To Be Human?
'And although my eyes were open
They might just as well've been closed."
A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procul Harum
I woke just before dawn; I'd slept like the dead until the frosty air from the drop in temperature outside woke me. Freezing, I climbed under the covers, wrapping myself up in them so tightly I was cocooned within them. Burying my head back into my pillow, I drifted off into sleep again.
This time my sleep was much shallower. Images flitted across my mind, a bloodstain on carpet, followed by a bloodstain on cement. The pictures repeated themselves, over and over until it was impossible to say which was which. They'd become one and the same. I could hear the beeping of machines speeding up and slowing down as the bloodstains changed to a rare sunny day, with greenery and gravestones. A day for me to say goodbye, but leaving before I could. The pictures came faster and faster, the beeping louder and louder. And then the sound of waves crashing in the midst of a storm in the background. I could hear screaming, the sound tore at my heart it sounded so desperate. I tried to lift my arms, to find the person and comfort them. Anything to make that horrible noise stop. But my arms were too heavy. They felt weighed down. I struggled against whatever was holding me.
"Bella, ssh, ssh, it's okay. It's okay, it was just a dream. Please stop crying. It's okay."
A man's voice startled me and for a split second before I opened my eyes I thought it was him. But I was wrong.
Emmett was sitting on my bed holding my arms down, looking at me with worry. He gently released my arms and I sat up, scooting back to lean against the headboard while still looking at him. He reached out and wiped my cheek. I realized it was wet and my eyes felt heavy and bleary. I must have been crying for awhile.
"Are you okay, Bells?" he asked me quietly. I wanted to say no. I wanted to just break down and cry until no water was left in my body, then I could shrivel up and die because that's what I deserved. I nodded instead.
"It's early. You can go back to sleep if you want. I've got to get ready for work," Emmett said, eyeing my alarm clock which showed it was nearly quarter past six. I didn't think sleep would be a possibility now, and frankly I didn't want to try.
"No it's okay, I'll get up now. I'm sorry I woke you," I answered, my voice sounded raspy. I tried clearing my throat but it hurt.
"It's okay, Bella, I would have left you like usual, but you sounded pretty bad." Emmett looked down at my bed nervously.
I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Did I? Worse than normal?"
Emmett looked up at me, his eyes sad. "Yeah." His voice sounded hushed. Suddenly he threw himself at me, his arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly to him. "Bella, you know I love you. You're my little sister. If you ever need to talk, or even if you just need a hug, I will always be here for you. Know that, Bella, I'm always here for you," he said meaningfully into my hair.
Emmett's words touched me. This was a side Emmett only showed to those he cared about deeply. To others he was big and loud, they didn't know how quiet and gentle he could be. I put my arms around him and hugged him back. I loved him and I didn't deserve him, but it wasn't his fault. I tucked my head into his shoulder and sighed. I'd forgotten how nice it felt to be held. Emmett stroked my back and I sank into him. My demeanour was usually so unwelcoming that people rarely touched me; I hadn't been hugged in months. In fact Alice was the first to show me any physical affection in a long time when she put her arm around me yesterday.
Emmett holding me like this made me feel warm and protected. It reminded me of the bear hugs Charlie used to give me when I was little. His awkwardness was not so prevalent then. I felt tears prick my eyes, the raw hole in the middle of my body stung when it remembered another set of arms around me, with an entirely different meaning behind them. I extricated myself from Emmett's embrace before my tears had a chance to fall. Turning my head away from him and getting out of bed, I walked to my dresser to pull out some socks and then suddenly turned my head sharply. A flash of blonde hair had caught my eye but when I turned to the doorway nothing was there. I heard Emmett stand up and walk toward the door. "I guess I'll see you downstairs then, Bella." I nodded into my open drawer as I rooted around for a pair of thick socks. Hearing my door gently close, I pulled out the socks I'd spotted several seconds before. I pulled them on and ran a brush through my hair and then walked lazily downstairs, my body groggy from my disturbed sleep.
Once downstairs in the kitchen, I made myself a coffee and sat at the breakfast bar to drink it. While listening to the muffled sounds of Emmett upstairs talking to Rose as they got ready, I stared at the work surface, seeing my haunted reflection in the glossy smooth marble white. I put my head in my hands, closed my eyes and propped my elbows on the top. I wanted to sleep again but knew I'd get no rest from it. I'd wake up crying and more exhausted than before. I sighed, slumping my shoulders.
At least the first half of my sleep was peaceful.
It was getting harder and harder to appreciate the little things. I took my hands away from my face and picked up my mug. After I took a sip and set it down again, I was startled by what I'd picked out. In my early morning haze I had just picked out the first mug my hand met when I opened the cupboard. Now I registered which one it was and I let out a quiet bitter laugh.
It was a plain white ceramic mug but written in a large black font was the quote 'Ever feel like you've been cheated?' It was what Johnny Rotten had said right before The Sex Pistols walked off the stage after giving something like a ten minute performance at the Winterland Ballroom in San Francisco.
Oh the irony.
I thought back to the previous night. It seems Operation Piss Off Edward didn't go quite to plan. My goal was to have a repeat of that beautiful night's sleep the night of the party, but sadly I only got half a night. Yes, I definitely felt like I'd been cheated. I resolved, therefore, that the next time I saw him I would just have to try harder. Last night hadn't matched the anger at the party. I needed to somehow get him that riled up again.
I heard Rose gliding her way down the stairs, bringing me out of my thoughts. As she lithely walked into the kitchen I looked at her out the corner of my eye. I knew she'd been at my bedroom door this morning and wondered if she was going to say anything. Instead she poured herself some coffee and leant against the counter drinking it, so far not looking at me. There was a strong possibility she was still mad at me. Rose was known for her grudges. Once, she ignored me for a week because I didn't do something she wanted me to do, but I forgot exactly what it had been.
I decided if Rose was going to be immature all her life, I wasn't going to stop her. I gulped down the last of my coffee, the burn of the hot liquid shooting down my throat not registering with me at all. I stood up and walked over the sink, swiftly washed up my mug and set it down on the draining board. I then turned to leave the kitchen and go back upstairs. "How did your date go?" Rose asked behind me. I paused and half turned toward her.
"It was fine."
I turned back and hastily walked out of the kitchen, through the living room and up to my room.
An hour later both Emmett and Rosalie left for work. I then rushed through my bath, using ice for the cold part of the test. Once out I repeated the bull clip test, this time switching to my upper arms since the back of my knees were too bruised. My brain was as unreachable as ever, the pain I should have felt not even a blip on my radar. I pulled on clean underwear, jeans, an old band t-shirt with Jimi Hendrix on it that I loved, and a sweater to go over the top.
Sitting down at my desk and turning on my laptop, I worked for a couple of hours, losing myself in my article. Well, as lost as you can get in a column about the proper way to administer a breast exam on yourself. When am I going to get paid to actually write something I want to? I get it that breast exams are important, but why the hell do I have to write a fucking column on one?
This was one of the rare articles my editor actually asked me to write. I had found the e-mail about it yesterday. Soon I'd have to go into the office, make my cursory appearance I made every few weeks, just to prove I actually existed. My editor was very lax with me. I had only gotten the job because one of my professors had pulled a few strings when my career direction altered drastically not long after I graduated, and I rang her asking if she knew of any jobs going in Chicago. The magazine didn't need me for much, just to lie my way through the horoscopes and maybe a filler article every now and then. At first I didn't care, but recently I'd found myself getting restless and incredibly bored. I wouldn't be surprised if my brain was so unresponsive because the lack of intellectual stimulus was slowly killing it. If so, pain response apparently went first.
The doorbell rang at about half ten. I saved the document and went downstairs. I unlocked the door and pulled it open to reveal Alice standing there, looking at me timidly and smiling cautiously as though she was trying to coax a very shy animal to not run from her in terror.
"I thought you said you were going to ring me today?" I asked bluntly, the shock of her being there throwing me off guard.
"I know, but. Well, I spoke to Edward," she answered, looking at me nervously, gauging my reaction.
"Oh," I said softly. I threw the door open wider and stepped to the side. "You better come in then."
She thanked me quietly and I closed the door after her, walking to the kitchen and she followed. She set her purse down on the breakfast bar and perched on a stool.
"Would you like a drink?" I asked, feeling slightly awkward at playing hostess.
"Sure, what herbal tea do you have?"
"Ummm." I had no clue because I drank coffee or hot chocolate, never tea. I turned to the cupboard and started rummaging around until finally in one of the lower shelves I found Rose's stash. And quite a stash it was. I straightened up and turned back to face Alice.
"It might be easier if you just tell me what you like because I'd be willing to guess it's here. Rose has a whole shelf full of the stuff." Alice chuckled and I remembered how easy it felt to be around her, which helped me relax a bit.
"Uh ok, does she have Pu-Erh tea?" Alice asked, lifting her head a little to peer into the cupboard behind me. I turned back and bent down. Sorting through the boxes I found that Rose did indeed have Pu-Erh tea. I pulled out the box and turned back to Alice, holding it up triumphantly. She giggled and I put on the kettle to heat up the water. I opened the cupboard where we kept the mugs, above the kettle and pulled out two.
"Which one do you want? The Little Mermaid or Alice in Wonderland?" I held up the two Disney mugs Charlie bought for Rose and me when we were little and went to Disneyland during one of his visits.
"Can I have Alice in Wonderland?" Alice asked excitedly. She looked like a little girl and I let out a laugh.
"Sure, that's good actually. Mine's the Little Mermaid mug anyway."
I turned back and put a teabag in each mug. The kettle clicked and I poured in the water. I picked up the mugs and set them down on the breakfast bar before pulling out a stool and sitting opposite Alice.
"So what exactly is Pu-Erh tea?" I asked, staring sceptically at the murky water in my mug.
"I have no idea."
"What?" I looked up at her sharply, she was grinning from ear to ear.
"I just heard it somewhere and wondered if she'd have it. I usually drink Chamomile," she replied, looking at me all wide eyed and innocent.
"So this could taste like shit?"
"Yup." She nodded her head eagerly. I tentatively took a sip. Yup, it tasted like shit. I wrinkled my nose up at the taste and swallowed down the earthy liquid quickly, shuddering as it slid down my throat.
"Urgh, that is horrible," I said with distaste, sticking out my tongue and making a face. Alice let out a high tinkering laugh and I couldn't help grinning at her. "Your turn." I held out a hand in an inviting gesture. She abruptly stopped laughing.
"No way, going by the look on your face I am not drinking that!" She looked at me with a horrified expression and started laughing again.
"Okay, okay, I'll make us some Chamomile," I acquiesced. I stood up and took our mugs, throwing the teabags away and pouring the putrid water down the sink. I put the box of Pu-Erh tea back in the cupboard and took out the Chamomile. I remade the tea and brought it back to Alice. "Do you have any honey?" she asked.
"Uh, I think so." I turned back to the cupboard and found an unopened jar of Greek honey and got out a teaspoon.
I handed Alice the honey and spoon and I sat down with my tea. At least it looks a nicer colour this time.
Alice caught my expression. "Don't worry, this one tastes nice. Have some honey with it if it's a little too bitter for you."
I sipped cautiously, found it was a little to bitter and stirred a spoonful of honey into it. Taking another sip I liked it much better and took out the teabag, placing it on the square of kitchen towel Alice had pulled off and placed her own teabag on.
"Better?" she asked. I nodded at her, smiling. She looked down and stirred her tea absent mindedly.
"So, anyway, like I said before, I talked to Edward." Her voice tremored slightly from nerves and my smile vanished. I'd forgotten that was why she was really here.
"Uh-huh," I answered, looking studiously down at my tea. My reflection wavered in the surface of the water.
"So it didn't go well then?" I heard Alice ask. She was fishing. I shook my head, uncertain whether I should tell her about OPOE.
"I'm sorry," she said, sounding genuinely remorseful. I looked up at her.
"It's not your fault. Some people don't get on well, that's all," I said, wanting to make her feel better. It wasn't her fault I was a bitch and her brother was, well, how he was. "It's probably for the best anyway," I added, shaking my head slightly and shrugging.
"What makes you say that?" she asked, putting her elbow on the top and leaning her chin in the palm of her hand.
"Well, he's clearly still into his wife, or ex-wife, since he still wears his wedding ring. Besides he's a little too old for me, Alice," I pointed out, deciding to not admit to the sabotage. She laughed again.
"Bella, how old do you think Edward is?" Her tone was light and amused.
"Umm, I don't know, thirty five to thirty eight?"
"No!" she laughed again, but louder this time. "He's thirty two!" I opened my mouth in shock that he was only nine years older than me as opposed to fifteen. Her laughs descended into giggles at my dumbfounded expression. She put out a hand to close my mouth.
"Oh" was all I could think to say. Alice giggled some more.
"I can't believe you thought he was that old! I understand though. He's looked a lot older since he came back from Europe." Her voice settled down to its normal bright tone.
"He went to Europe?" I asked, interested in this little nugget.
"Yeah, he was out there for like six years. He only came back six months ago." Her eyes were bright and her lips curved into a smile.
"Why was he out there so long?" The smile faltered and she suddenly looked unsure.
"He needed some time alone." Her voice grew quieter and I guessed it had something to do with his wife. Edward being a widower seemed to be getting clearer and clearer. If your wife died, would you rather be surrounded by memories of her, or go somewhere completely different where you could grieve in peace? I nodded in understanding.
"So what made him come back?" I picked up my mug and took a sip. Alice looked down and fiddled with the handle.
"My mom is sick," she said quietly
"Oh, I'm sorry." I felt how inadequate my reply was.
"It's okay. She was diagnosed with lymphoma a couple of years ago, but it kept getting worse and she had to have a bone marrow transplant four months ago." Alice kept her head down as she took one of her hands off the bar top and put in her lap, hunching her shoulders slightly.
"How come Edward only came back six months ago then?"
"Mom didn't want him to know, but when she got bad, and we weren't certain how long she had left she told him. He booked a flight home the next day. She was worried he'd be angry at her, but-" She stopped and stiffened. "She reasoned you can't be mad at someone who's dying." Her voice grew even quieter so that she was almost whispering. I stood up and went around to her side. I drew her into a hug and she rested her head under my chin.
"How is your mom now, after the transplant?"
"She's in remission, but we won't know if the transplant worked for a couple of years yet. I go to see her once a week, but she gets tired easily. She feels she has to make me feel welcome, and she pushes herself when she shouldn't, so I only see her once a week. I don't want her to relapse because of me." Alice's voice sounded so childlike, my heart broke for her and I tightened my arms around her.
"Alice, don't say that. I'm sure your mom has nurses to make sure she rests properly."
"My dad's a doctor and he keeps a close eye on her. She got the transplant so quickly because he called in some favours. Edward was only home for a week, trying to make up for a six year absence, when we found out she was going to have to have a bone marrow transplant."
"That must have been a shock. But it was good news, right?"
"Yeah, it was. Hopefully she'll be better now. She won't have as long a life as usual, but it'll be longer than we thought was possible." I could hear she was trying to lighten her tone.
"I really am sorry, Alice."
"It's okay, these things happen. At least it's not terminal." She shrugged slightly in my arms.
"Yeah," I replied quietly. She sighed and pulled out of my arms. I noticed tears glistening in her eyes but she blinked them away.
"Phew, I really didn't mean for that to happen," she chuckled.
"It's okay, Alice, really. If you want to talk, then you know you can always call me or whatever." I shifted nervously, pulling on my sleeves a little over my hands, unused to making myself so available. But I knew Alice needed someone, and now wasn't the time for my selfishness.
"Thanks, Bella, I really appreciate it." She stood up and put her purse strap over her shoulder, smiling at me.
"You're welcome." I shrugged my shoulders.
"I better be going. I'm sorry your date didn't go well. I think maybe if you give Edward another chance you might be surprised. He just, he doesn't know how to be around women." She looked at me with serious eyes, her face straight.
"Despite having a sister?"
"Yeah, I know. Edward's an enigma, but well… I think you could crack him." She gave me a confidant smile and nodded as she spoke.
"What makes you say that?" I narrowed my eyes at her sceptically.
"Just a feeling, call it intuition." She shrugged.
"Well, I better go. I have a venue to check out at noon. I'll see you Friday at the play?" She began to walk toward the door, and I started following her but stopped in my tracks when I heard this.
"What play?"
"There's a play on at Rose and Edward's school. They're doing a production of 'The Ugly Duckling'. Edward's was in charge of music and Rose was in charge of helping them put the dances together." She turned back to me, her face confused.
"I didn't know this, Rose hasn't said anything." Her eyebrows lifted, surprised at my ignorance.
"Oh, well. You should come!" She smiled eagerly, ignoring the fact my own sister hadn't invited me.
"I don't know, maybe Rose doesn't want me to come." I started pulling on my sleeves again and I looked down at the floor.
"Oh, of course she does, and I want you to. Please? I'll save you a seat anyway," she warned.
"Okay fine, I'll ask Rose about it," I huffed and looked back up at her.
"Great! I'll see you Friday then!" she exclaimed, walking up to me.
"Yeah, see you Friday, Alice." She leant up and kissed me on the cheek, pulling me into a hug. I hugged her back and let go. She trotted up to the door and left, waving before she closed it behind her.
I stood at the door thinking over what Alice had told me, and how Edward flew home basically the day after finding out about his mother's illness. How he felt he had six years to make up for, not knowing how long he'd have. I was faced with a serious dilemma. Could I with good conscience carry on OPOE knowing what I now knew? But then, I couldn't deny there was something about the man that pissed me off. He was rude, arrogant and presuming. Even worse when he was drunk.
I went and sat down on the couch. On one end of the coffee table stood Edward's roses, at the other end, the freesias.
I sat in between them with my head in my hands and wondered about Edward Cullen.
The Edward Cullen I'd met and the Edward Cullen I'd heard about.
Which one was real, and which one was fake?
A/N: So there it is, review if you're so inclined I value each and every one. And remember to put me on author alert if you want to read EPOV. Thank you.
