Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "If I Never Knew You" from Pocahontas, lyrics by Jon Secada.
Author's Note: I found many weaknesses in The Awakening, so this is my way of showing how at least one portion of it could have been done, well, better. I start out with Aang's little temper tantrum after he was invited to go ashore for dinner. After that, though, I veer off in my own direction, and Katara sticks it out to have a meaningful conversation. Oh, and I believe this song was originally requested by San Chan Reincarnaited.
If I Never Knew You
"I hate this plan! I don't want you, or anyone, risking your lives to fix my mistakes!" In a fit of anger, Aang tore down the Fire Nation banner that hung in his cabin and sat down on the edge of the bed, chest heaving. Katara just stood there with a calm that Aang found unnerving. If she would just yell back at him or something, he could deal with it. Anything but this complete implacability.
"They're not your mistakes," she said quietly.
"I failed. I let Ba Sing Se fall." He wasn't going to let her talk him out of this one. "I let the Earth Kingdom fall."
"Look, I'm not saying mistakes weren't made. Azula snuck into Ba Sing Se because she defeated the Kyoshi warriors. Was it their fault they weren't strong enough?"
"Katara, you know that's not what I—"
"The king trusted her and the other girls because Sokka told them he could," Katara continued relentlessly. "It was because of me that Azula knew Zuko was in the city, so I'm the reason he was there to make the decision to fight with her instead of against her. I was also stupid enough to get myself captured in the first place. By the way, how did you know about that?" The question surprised Aang so much that he answered honestly.
"I saw you in trouble," he said simply. Katara nodded as though she had half expected this.
There was a silence while Aang thought back. It had been this vision that had intruded on his work with the Guru, preventing him from completing his mastery of the Avatar State. He wasn't sure how he knew it, but he was absolutely certain that because Azula had attacked while he was still in the process of opening his seventh chakra, he was now totally cut off from that capability. He had no idea if the condition was permanent.
If I never knew
you,
If I never felt this love,
I would have no inkling of
How
precious life can be.
And if I never held you,
I would
never have a clue,
How, at last, I find in you
The missing part
of me.
"Well, there you have it," said Katara matter-of-factly, not questioning what he had seen or how. "I drew you into a trap. It's my fault."
At this, Aang turned toward Katara. She had not approached him while they spoke, giving him his space. As he looked at her, he knew that he loved her now as much as ever, maybe even more. It was as though dying had given him a new perspective on the things that were truly important. Or was it something more; had her act of pulling him back to life created a new bond between them? He wasn't aware of anyone who'd actually brought someone back from death, let alone the Avatar. For all he knew, they might be in uncharted territory.
"I could never blame you, Katara," he answered quietly, and he meant it in every sense he could think of.
"And I don't blame you," she returned. She still did not move closer, and while Aang hated this distance between them, he wasn't sure he was quite ready to let her back in again. "When you get right down to it, you could pin all this on Avatar Roku. Maybe he should have seen what was coming. After all, he was a fully realized Avatar, at the peak of his power. He could have stopped the Fire Nation before they got this strong."
"Maybe." Aang didn't know what to think. Katara had him questioning a lot of assumptions, but it might be a good thing for him to move past his prior impulsiveness.
"My point is that there's plenty of blame to go around," she continued. "We've all made mistakes. The important thing is what we do now. Ultimately, you should blame Azula and the Fire Lord. It was their plotting and ambition that caused all of this, and their ancestors before them."
In this world so
full of fear,
Full of rage and lies,
I can see the truth so
clear
In your eyes, so dry your eyes.
And I'm so grateful to
you;
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I
never knew you.
"I guess I know that," Aang admitted. No longer able to sit still, he stood up and began pacing. "But it's supposed to be my job to stop stuff like that."
"No one can be everywhere and do everything," Katara pointed out. "Not even you. But if it helps, I know how you feel."
"You do?"
"Of course. I've gone over everything in my mind a thousand times, tried to figure out what I could have done differently, but I've had several weeks to get used to the situation and try to stop blaming myself for my part in this whole disaster. You just need a little time, too."
Aang stopped moving and found himself facing Katara across the bed. He shook his head and turned his gaze downward, determined to be stubborn about this.
"I never should have brought you and Sokka with me in the first place," he said, although he knew he couldn't have come as far as he had without them. "I can't keep putting you at risk. Maybe it would have been better if you'd never even found me. I'm just giving people hope that I can't fulfill." He was falling into despair now, and while part of him wanted Katara to pull him out of it, another part thought he deserved to stay there.
"Sokka and I came with you on our own," she reminded him forcefully. "We've kept choosing you over and over. And I want you to know that I have never, for one second, regretted meeting you!" Her voice was tight with emotion on the last words, and when Aang looked up, he could see tears welling up, blurring the usually brilliant blue of her eyes. His own eyes threatened to water, and he turned away and sat down on the bed again. It was too painful to see her like this. He would have preferred to stay angry; it was safer.
If I never knew you,
I'd be safe but
half as real,
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and
true!
I'm so grateful to you;
I'd have lived my whole life
through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.
"How can you say that?" Aang asked dejectedly. "All I've done is put you and your family in danger." He felt the shift behind him as her weight sank down onto the mattress as well.
"That's not true," Katara contradicted. "If I'd stayed at the South Pole, I might have been safer. But I wouldn't have been me. At least, not the me I am now. I didn't know it then, but I was just going through the motions of life. I kept myself busy with everyday tasks because I didn't know what else to do. It was you who taught me how to really live."
"I don't understand," Aang said, half turning toward her. Katara opened her mouth, reconsidered, bit her lower lip, and tried again.
"Well, you just have to trust me when I say that you've made me into something more than I ever thought I could be."
"You were always something special." He was taking a bit of a chance here, but Katara only smiled faintly and blushed.
"You opened new worlds to me," she continued. "I've seen things now that I'd never even imagined. I mastered waterbending because of you. Something's changed inside me, too, something I don't even really understand yet. I feel…bigger, somehow."
I thought our
love would be so beautiful,
Somehow we'd make the whole world
right.
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong,
All
they leave are whispers in the night,
But still my heart is saying
we were right.
Aang wasn't quite sure what to say to this. He actually felt much the same way. It was part of why he'd struggled not to give her up. He just couldn't believe that something which made him feel so complete, so fully alive, could be wrong. If he were honest with himself, he felt even more connected to her and his earthly life now that he'd lost it once. He seemed to be going backward rather than forward, becoming ever more confused.
"You would have found all of that eventually," he told her at last. "It was always in you."
"Well, it doesn't matter," Katara moved on – or at least, back to a previous topic. "This is how things happened, and we can't go back and change it now. You're in no condition to go off on your own. Until you're recovered, you need us. And we need you." The last part was added quietly, hesitantly.
"It's just so frustrating," he admitted, clenching his fists at his sides. "I can't show myself anywhere, I can't fight. I feel so…useless."
"I know." She spoke softly here, but there was steel in her voice when she continued. "I haven't been able to use my waterbending much, either, since we're pretending to be Fire Nation. However, I also know that I haven't been taking care of you all this time just to watch you run off and get yourself killed again."
If I never knew
you,
(There is no moment I regret).
If I never knew this
love,
(Since the moment that we met)
I'd have no inkling of
how precious life can be,
If our time auspicious as that is here
at last.
Again. Killed again. Katara's words sliced through Aang like icy daggers, which was no doubt what she had intended. He was still getting used to the idea that he'd come back from the dead, and he hadn't given any thought to how it might have felt for her to see it happen or what it must have been like for the others afterward. He pictured seeing her fall lifeless to the ground and shuddered involuntarily, gritting his teeth together.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. However, his line of thinking gave him a new argument. "Then you can understand why I don't want to see something like this happen to you." He gestured at his bandages.
"Of course I understand it. That doesn't mean I'm going to let your feelings or mine get in the way of what has to be done."
This last sentence made Aang smile for the first time, just a little. He'd never known Katara to let anything get in the way of what she thought was right, or to interfere with the method she believed was the correct one. It was just so like her that it centered him, brought him back to where he needed to be.
"I still have to face the Fire Lord," Aang reminded her.
"I know," she nodded solemnly. "I just don't want you stupidly throwing away your life before it's time. He'll still be there a few months from now."
I thought our
love would be so beautiful,
Somehow we'd make the world right.
I
thought our love would be so beautiful,
We'd turn the darkness
into light,
And still, my heart is saying we were right!
Suddenly, Katara began crying, and she finally broke through the invisible wall that had separated them by throwing her arms around his neck. Even in her distraught state, Aang noticed that she avoided touching his wounded back. He wondered if she even had to think about it anymore.
"I missed you so much!" she confessed, sobbing into his shoulder. "Please don't leave me again!" It would have taken a stronger will than Aang's to refuse such a request. He hadn't missed the fact that "we" had changed to "me." Whatever might have been left of his resolve crumbled.
"I suppose you'd follow me if I left?" he asked, sighing resignedly. Perhaps hearing the change of tone in his voice, she looked up at him hopefully.
"To the ends of the earth," she replied fervently. Her devotion surprised him a little, but he didn't dwell on it. There would be time to address that later.
"Then I'll stay. At least until the eclipse," he promised. He'd never really wanted to leave her, and knowing how much pain it would cause her, he simply couldn't.
"I won't stop you from fulfilling your destiny, as much as I might like to," Katara asserted, backing away and drying her eyes. "But you also need to let me fulfill mine." With a shock, Aang realized that he'd earlier been telling her that she always had a destiny but hadn't realized the full meaning of his own words.
We were right,
and if I never knew you,
I'd have lived my whole life
through
Empty as the sky, never knowing why,
Lost forever, if I
never knew you.
"If you can do it, I guess I can, too," Aang decided. His stomach growled, and he grabbed at it. "We're probably too late to meet Sokka and Toph for dinner." Katara chuckled weakly.
"I'm sure they'll bring us something when we don't catch up with them."
"If Sokka doesn't eat it all on the way back." They both laughed, and things were…well, as good as could be expected. She was right about everything. He only had to hide for a matter of weeks, and it was selfish and foolish for him to want to rush things. Besides, he'd had to hide his identity before, so it made no sense for that to bother him more now.
Furthermore, it was as impossible to protect Katara from her destiny as it had been for Aang to run away from his, and he had to respect her enough not to try. He tentatively reached out his hand, and she took it. They had made this pledge before, but he felt it needed to be renewed.
"Whatever happens…" he started.
"We're in this together," she answered, as though reading his mind. He nodded his agreement, and it somehow felt right that it was just the two of them this time.
And if he had anything to say about it, their commitment would ultimately last even longer than this war had.
--
Member of the Boomeraang Squad: charleegirl, Jesus.Lives, Liselle129, Strix Moonwing, Avatarwolf, MormonMaiden, libowiekitty, Snows of Yester-Year, La Vixen de Amor, chocolatecoveredbananacheese, Aangy, and honorary member SnakeEyes16
Author's Note: Wow, that turned out to be really long. And some stuff still ended up on the editing room floor, in a matter of speaking. I think this would have been a much more realistic way to change Aang's mind, not to mention providing a rich, emotional scene that the episode clearly lacked. I definitely would have preferred something like this to Aang's inexplicable flight and Katara's abrupt issues with her father.
Review responses:
Wishing Only Wounds the Heart: Well, I agree on both your points, but I wasn't sure all my readers would feel the same way.
jliljj: I'm glad I didn't make you wait long, then!
Kumori Doragon: Wow, thank you. I'm afraid this one might have had a similar effect on you. It's okay if you don't want to say why.
joehalo15: I know how things can go. It is always best to start with a good song, but it can be fun with mediocre or just silly ones, too!
Katara2102: Thank you! As for the Kataang kiss, I have this fear that they're just going to ignore it for another six episodes, using the presence of the "extra" people in the group as an excuse, plus the distraction of the failure of the invasion.
Kimba616: Katara has her good and bad points, but Aang loves her, which is really all the character recommendation I need, I guess.:)
Tang Si Ming-Yue: You're welcome! You've had some good suggestions, so it's not too hard to use them.
Aangsfangirl1214: If you want me to read that Toph story of yours and give you my opinion, I'd be happy to. Toph is a challenge, which is why I don't write from her perspective very often, but it can be very satisfying to accomplish.
BlackRose108: Well, I'm glad I inspired you. To echo Wishing…, I don't think enough can be written about how Katara was doing, thinking and feeling between the seasons.
reach 4 the stars: I'm happy that you're enjoying the stories. I don't have any plans to watch Bambi II, but I have small children, so it could happen.
TTAvatarfan: I'll look up the song. No reason to let my personal problems with Bambi get in the way. I wasn't that crazy about Pocahontas, either. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last.
