Chapter 6
Crying, Waiting, Hoping
A/N- Wow, it's been a while. Again, my latest psychology class has been taking up more time than I anticipated. I'm trying to get writing in whenever I can, but it seems like I won't be able to keep up my normal schedule of posting until the class ends.
I'm not taking another one after this because I'm switching my focus back to my art when I'm done, so I'm really hoping to be able to pick up the promised posting schedule then.
Fingers crossed.
Fan: Thanks for the review! I didn't intend for Anakin to come off as cold to his son, so if you're reading it that way, I'll have to make some changes. I'm addressing some of that in this chapter and in future chapters as well. Thank you for the critique. I find it helpful to know when characters don't come off right so I can change it. I was more focusing on Anakin/Tahiri's reunion since Kam was unconscious during that time rather than having the intention be that Anakin wasn't caring about his son. Again, I'll have to edit the chapters to change that since that wasn't my original intent.
Well, I hope you all are enjoying the chapters. Thanks again for the reviews!
Cheers,
-Don ^_^
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE AND SOME TRAUMA.
Once more the Jedi and their small band of allies gathered in the meeting room. Anakin was seated next to Tahiri, who seemed all too delighted to have ditched her boots for the time being.
Anakin smiled to himself. He had missed her. Probably as much as she'd missed him being the way he was before. They'd both changed so much to the point where it was hard to say where their old selves ended and the new began to rewrite their identities. Sadness filled Anakin's mind though. His blue eyes rested calmly on Tahiri but turned to the hologram projected in front of them of the galaxy. Soon they would see ships flying in it, shooting, and exploding.
Tahiri's feet couldn't walk enough distance to erase what had become of the galaxy. It couldn't bring back the dead. Anakin's eyes closed and he collected himself. He was supposed to be the new hope for the Galaxy. They wanted him to become the hope Luke Skylkwalker had been for the Rebellion all those years ago.
"Not wearing shoes again, I see." Anakin's eyes shot up in surprise. The white furry master smiled at Anakin's bewildered expression.
"And hello to you, Young Anakin," Ikrit said, hopping over to sit on the table next to Tahiri. "I was wondering when you were going to arrive." Now it was Tahiri's turn to look at him in surprise.
"You knew Anakin was coming?" Ikrit gave her a knowing nod.
"Of course. I knew he was not dead. I'm surprised no one here figured as much out," Ikrit said, glancing around the room.
"But why did he have to go away for so long just to come back to fix things again?" Tahiri asked. The furry master placed a paw on her shoulder.
"There are no accidents," Ikrit replied. "For the same reason I stayed with the Golden Globe for so many years, Anakin too had to go away so he could bring back new knowledge." Ikrit smiled at Anakin and then hopped off the tabled to go sit at the end. Tahiri met Anakin's gaze.
Did you go away to gain new knowledge? She sent to him through their bond.
No, I didn't plan any of it. I was captured. But the force works in mysterious ways. Tahiri frowned a little at that. Anakin was very closely connected to the force because he'd been through the Void, but that connection is exactly what worried her.
Anakin was as much a part of her as the force was. He gave her a sense of life that she didn't find anywhere else, save for through Kam.
You okay? Anakin asked her. She blinked and nodded. He didn't believe her but left it alone as Mara had just entered the room in her flight suit with Jaina trailing behind.
"Good morning," Mara said. "I hate to cut to the chase but we just received a distress call from one of our other bases." She gestured to the hologram and used the force to change the picture. It was now of Hoth.
Anakin found himself wondering why they'd decided to put a base on Hoth of all places when the Empire had crushed the rebels on that planet once before.
"We received the call just a few minutes ago and the forces there are outnumbered and need backup," She looked around.
"It's a trap," Anakin stated. All eyes fixated on him. The flatness of his tone told Mara that he wasn't just speculating.
"Anakin," Mara said slowly, "If there's some plan of Xillanor's that you know about, we need to know." He shook his head.
"There isn't one," He said, "But I know Xillanor's mind. I can feel some of the things he's planning sometimes. And he let me feel this plan." Anakin bit his lip. "You can't go to Hoth. He exposed his mind on purpose so we would go."
Mara's eyes hardened. Everything Anakin had said made perfect sense. Xillanor may have even let Anakin go with the idea of springing this trap on them. "Then what is our strategy?" She asked. "We can't leave them there to die."
Anakin sucked in his breath. He wasn't going to condemn anyone to die. Especially not at the hands of Xillanor or the Galactic Alliance. "You won't. I'm going there, alone." A loud bang shook the table and almost upended it. Tahiri was glaring hard at him.
"Don't you dare say another word, Anakin Solo, or I swear to the force I will make sure you never go anywhere again," She was angrier than he'd ever seen her. Her eyes flickered with a lack of restraint that was new to him.
"Tahiri," Mara cut in, sending soothing vibes in the direction of the younger woman, "Anakin is simply pointing out the truth. We're the targets. Xillanor wants to kill us. He doesn't want Anakin dead. Or at least that's not the feeling I'm getting about him from Anakin." She looked to the youngest Solo. He met Tahiri's eyes hesitantly.
"Tahiri-"
"No!"
"Tahiri, please."
"No, I am not losing you again," She turned to Mara. "I'm going with him. Everyone else can stay here." No sooner had she said that then Anakin's mind began to fill with images of Hoth being overrun, the rebels were mowed down by the lasers of the oncoming invasion forces, and everyone was dead, the snow stained with black blaster holes and blood.
"We've always been stronger together," Tahiri said. "Why do you keep trying to leave me behind when you know that?"
Anakin swore under his breath. "I'm not trying to leave you! I'm trying to keep you safe!"
"Well, I'm trying to keep you alive! Who's going to do that if you're alone, huh? You're still stubborn as a bantha, Anakin, but I'm not letting you go running off like a gundark with its head cut off."
Everyone remained silent as they watched the two yell. Their voices were loud enough to be heard down the hall.
So this is what five years of pent up feelings looks like, Jaina thought. Tahiri wasn't the only one who was angry and hurt. There were waves of pain wafting off of Anakin. If what he'd said about knowing Xillanor's plans and thoughts was true, he would be vulnerable to exposing his own feelings to the bounty hunter.
It was dangerous on a whole new level.
"Tahiri, please," Anakin said, his voice cracking. She looked away.
"I'm sorry, Anakin. But I need to go with you," He glanced down at the floor and then without another word left the room. Zekk watched the younger man leave and didn't waste any time getting up to follow him out. Anakin probably hadn't had anyone to talk to about his fears for five years. Now Zekk could be that support for Anakin. They'd relied on one another before, and now was a good time as any to rekindle that bond.
Zekk found Anakin outside, staring up at some of the round watchtowers the wookiees had built. The morning sunlight blotted out most of the leaves on the trees, leaving a dark outline of the trunks as they stretched upwards.
"It's been rough," Zekk said. He'd always favored a more blunt approach.
Anakin sighed. "I just wanted to protect her. Why won't she let me?" Zekk took a few steps so he was standing shoulder to shoulder with the younger man.
"Maybe because she doesn't think what you're doing is protecting her." Anakin tried to get a read on Zekk's thought process but found himself still confused. "She loves you more than anyone. If you died, she'd feel unsafe because she'd be too hurt internally to deal with anything else." Zekk sighed. "I'm not explaining this very well. But I know that when you lose someone you love, it can break things in a way that being physically hurt can't match."
Anakin looked up at the trees once more. The sun had dimmed leaving the trees in full color.
"I can't help worrying about her," Anakin said.
"You think I have it any easier?" Zekk smiled at Anakin and clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll leave you two to talk." Tahiri passed Zekk on the way out of the bunker. He nodded to her.
"Just be honest with him, Tahiri, he loves you enough that he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy," Zekk added and then was gone. She quietly made her way up behind Anakin and slipped her arms around his waist. He started slightly and then leaned back into her embrace. They stood there until they both felt ready to speak.
"I'm sorry I got angry at you," Anakin said. She chuckled.
"Sometimes I wonder if yelling is the only way to get through that maze you call a brain," She mused. Anakin felt himself smile at that. She knew his mind too well. She was able to see how tangled it could be at times.
"I think it's more you just talking and not letting me get a word in edgewise," He replied. Tahiri didn't respond. He could feel her thinking, but he was concerned by her silence.
"Anakin, tell me the truth," She said. "Did you have a vision about Hoth?" His heart gave a painful lurch. She knew.
"I… yes," He silently hated himself for admitting it. But he knew had to be honest with her if she was going to understand why he was so afraid. He could feel her tense as her hands tightened around his waist.
"Did anyone die?" Anakin was silent before he murmured, "Everyone."
"Everyone." She said hollowly. "Everyone…. But you don't know if that's because we came with you."
"But I don't know if it was because you didn't," He shifted, "If you're not there, then you can't die."
Tahiri let go of him and then slowly turned him around. "Anakin, you can't stop anyone from dying. That's part of life, the force, and the cycle of all of it." Her mind filled with the uncertainties and doubts Anakin was feeling. At least now she could help him cope with those thoughts. She'd been unable to do so for five years. His mind was a mess.
"All you can do is trust in the force," She touched his mind with hers. "I'm right there." His shoulders sagged and he let his fear slide away for the moment.
"Alright," He said, "Come with me. But if you're going, we're going to need backup. We're not going to be able to get through the Galactic Alliance attack force on our own."
Tahiri grinned. "Leave that to me." Anakin wondered briefly if he should be worried or reassured by her confident grin.
"I'll leave that to you," He said. "Now I need to go talk to Kam." Tahiri followed his gaze as he stared off in the direction of the medical facility.
"He's your son too, you know," Tahiri said. Anakin started slightly at the touch of her hand on his shoulder.
"I- how did you know that I was even…?" She shook her head at him.
"Because I know how your mind works. You'll never be able to rest until you've talk to him. And I should know because, well, I've known you a long time. You want to resolve things. I get it," She said gently. "But you don't have to worry. I think Kam wanted to know you."
Anakin felt some of his apprehension lift at the sound of her babbling. It was like a fresh stream of water gushing over his face, cooling it, and washing away any apprehension he had remaining.
"Sometimes your mind gets in the way of what is truly important," Anakin turned to the rough voice of the furry Jedi Master. Ikrit hopped onto Anakin's shoulder. "Use the force. It will show you what you need to know."
Anakin's mouth formed a thin line. "I have to wonder if my force abilities can still do anyone any good." He looked down at his palms.
Ikrit shrugged. "You will have to determine that for yourself. But not today." With a flick of his tail, the Jedi Master was gone. Tahiri turned her head to lean against Anakin's cheek.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Tahiri asked. Anakin thought for a moment and then with a smile, shook his head.
"No, I need to talk to him myself," He sighed. "But I have no idea what to say to him." Tahiri laughed.
"There you go with the overthinking again," She kissed him. "Just talk to him. Give your head a rest."
Anakin uncharacteristically wrinkled his nose at her but didn't say anything. He gently extracted himself from her arms and sent her his feelings since he didn't know how to vocalize them. She seemed to understand because she let him go.
Once Anakin was out of sight, Tahiri made her way to the communication center and typed in coordinates to the keypad. After a few minutes the screen crackled and a red haired woman appeared on the screen.
"Friend Tahiri," Tenel Ka said. "I am glad to see you." Tahiri nodded.
"I'm glad to see you. I wish I had better circumstances to contact you under," Tahiri said with a rueful smile. Tenel Ka straightened.
"Has something happened?" Tahiri felt Tenel Ka's fear for her children as clearly as if they were Tahiri's own thoughts.
"No, Valin and Rose are fine," Tahiri said, waving her hand to dismiss any further thoughts of the worst case scenario from the Hapan Queen. Tenel Ka relaxed visibly but her acute sense of observation and ability to sense feelings detected Tahiri's misgivings.
"You are troubled," She said. Tahiri nodded. There was no lying to her friend.
"Anakin's back," Tahiri stated, hardly believing the words as they came from her own lips. Tenel Ka's granite eyes widened and then narrowed when she sensed conflicted feelings flowing from Tahiri.
"This is wonderful news, is it not?" She asked. Tahiri bit her lip. "You are not happy?" Tahiiri blinked and then shook her head.
"No, no, I am," Tahiri said quickly. A tad too quickly for Tenel Ka to fully believe there was nothing amiss but she patiently waited for Tahiri to speak first.
"I'm happy he's back," She said, "But I'm worried about him leaving again. Or finding out that he's no longer the Anakin I knew. It feels like another part of him disappears each time something like this happens."
Tenel Ka studied the younger woman. Once upon a time Tenel Ka had seen some dark changes in Jacen, perhaps none as severe as Anakin's, but Jacen had lost so much of what Tenel Ka had seen in her own heart and mind as the true Jacen Solo. He had lost a lot of his sense of humor. She remembered feeling like he had slowly been dying.
But he hadn't. He'd returned time and time again to bring her back to a feeling of safety and love. It wasn't easy to fall in love when a war was raging in the galaxy but it couldn't be helped. They were Jedi, sworn to protect the galaxy, and in that process they had to make decisions no other living being could begin to comprehend.
How could she even begin to explain this to Tahiri? The struggle was clear in those green eyes and Tenel Ka wished she had better words of wisdom to offer.
"He has returned," Tenel Ka replied finally. "That much I believe is a gift to treasure. For now."
Tahiri nodded, still processing the words. "You had something else you wished to discuss." Tahiri squared her shoulders and her eyes took on a business-like expression, serious, straight forward, and filled with the no-nonsense confidence she'd obtained over the past five years.
"We're coming to Hoth," Tahiri said. "We'll need allies to help us defend against an invasion." Tenel Ka frowned.
"Invasion? But how did they know where the base was?" Tenel Ka's mind swirled with possibilities. Tahiri answered, quelling the storm.
"Anakin said Xillanor is setting up a trap there. I'm not sure how much the Galactic Alliance knows," She sighed.
"We are walking into a trap," Tenel Ka repeated. She had sent her children to Kashyyk for this exact reason. She did not want them to be in harms way. It destroyed her that she hardly ever saw them, but she knew it was for the best.
"I will gather the allies we have," Tenel Ka said. "It may not be enough." Tahiri knew it wouldn't be. They were taking a risk that even she didn't fully understand.
Anakin entered Kam's room to find Nina sitting there. She looked up. "You left him alone." There was a hint of anger in her tone, but it was overshadowed by her confusion.
"I did," Anakin said quietly. "More than once. I don't even know how to apologize for it anymore." Nina stared at him, feeling protective of her friend and still not quite trusting this man who claimed to be Kam's father, she didn't know what to say.
"He should be awake again soon," She said. "I'm not leaving him." Anakin felt his heart ache at those words.
"I'll wait," He said.
The guards roughly shoved her to the cold stone floor before slamming the metal door shut. Wynn looked behind her at the bars and then picked herself up. The events in the ring flashed by so quickly it was hard to believe she wasn't there now. She looked down at her hands. Her palms were sweaty and still covered in blood. She'd been through plenty of fights and seen many people die, but with this latest fight her hands shook.
"First time?" Wynn whirled around to see a female rodian standing behind her, arms folded across her scaled chest.
Wynn clenched her fists to keep them from moving. "No. I've killed plenty of times." The rodian seemed unimpressed or rather lacked any emotional response altogether.
"Killing and killing to defend one's self are two different things," The rodian replied. "Is your opponent really dead?" Wynn's mind brought her back to the moment.
She was there, standing with the blaster in hand and was walking over to her opponent. He'd said something, but over the noise of the crowd she couldn't make out what it was. Slowly she stepped over, keeping her blaster trained on her opponent but he remained prone in the dusty ground. She stopped close to him and with one foot kicked him over onto his side, blaster still pointed at his head.
She staggered backwards. His face was burned into her mind. The blaster holes burned into his chest, the blood flowing freely, and her hands tightly gripping the blaster. She heard a roar from the crowd. The blaster slipped to the ground with a thunk. Fingers reached for the wounds, pressing into them, and she leaned in, willing the blood to stop. Her pupils shrunk and widened as she pressed down. Words refused to come out.
She didn't even notice the guards pouring out into the ring and only let out a cry when they grabbed her arms and half pulled, half dragged her from the form on the ground.
"You knew him," Wynn's eyes refocused on the rodian. "James." Wynn bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.
"No."
TBC...
