Sorry for the delay, I've been very sick. Hospital style. Advice: if you're feeling ill, seek professional medical help. Don't wait for over a month and let it turn into a crazy super infection. Be healthy kids.

I also lost all my notes. I just found them. Literally, two minutes ago. So now you can have this.

This is an angst warning. Angst ahead in the form of one Jim Kirk. Be warned.


March 30, 2262


Jim stared resolutely ahead, heart awash with pain. Somewhere, in another room of this alien building, Spock was sealing their fates.

Three days before, the Enterprise had finally entered New Vulcan's orbit. Their simple mission, running dignitaries and much needed supplies, was over and Starfleet had allowed the crew a few days shore leave. The next 24 hours had been a flurry of crew rosters and reports. It wasn't until Spock had forcibly removed Jim from his ready room and dragged him back to their quarters that the stress and anxiety waned enough for Jim to sink into unconsciousness.

When he had awoken, Spock led them down to the planet, bags packed to stay with Ambassador Spock - Selek - while they met T'Pau and dissolved their bond.

Actually, the fact that Spock had thought ahead and organised to stay with his counterpart was... touching. Sarek intimidated Jim like nothing he'd ever encountered before. It probably had something to do with their disastrous first meeting.

Having been inside Spock's head, Jim knew he hadn't explained to his father what bought forth such a violent reaction. However, with the knowledge that Spock hadn't mentioned the taunts about their planet and his mother came the certainty that Sarek already understood exactly what Jim had used against Spock.

Scenes of childhood bullies and racism that honestly surprised and disgusted Jim, raced through his mind. He saw bloodied fists and broken noses. Much bigger, older kids pushed back into learning pods. He felt Spock's pride and a fierce, unyielding love.

The same love he would do anything to receive.

Before they'd been bonded, Jim thought he could settle for epic friendship; for the warmth and trust he'd been submerged in on Delta Vega. Now he'd had a taste of everything Spock had to offer, the companionship and loyalty, their link, warm arms keeping him safe at night and warm eyes and soft touches come morning. He'd been given a sample and now he ached. He ached for it all to be real. To be his.

Who would have ever believed, James Tomcat Kirk, all around ladies man, Casanova of the academy, would fall in love? With a Vulcan, no less. The same Vulcan who was currently standing before the High Council to have their bond broken.

Jim bit down on his lip, feelings of hurt and worthlessness rising within him. Briefly, he let his features display the truth of his emotions to the empty room. Lips pulled back into a self deprecating smile, blue eyes dulled with exhaustion and melancholy. When would he finally learn?

For as long as he could remember, he'd been abandoned.

First by his mother - George could never count - the call of space too loud, effectively drowning out the pathetic cries of her own flesh and blood.

Then there was Sam. He hadn't even considered taking Jim with him when he'd run off.

Did Frank count? He'd only ever been an abusive asshole but he was meant to be a father figure. A dad.

Next came the whole Tarsus... thing. Should he feel abandoned by the only people he'd ever felt appreciated by when they'd had no choice in the matter? Probably not, they hadn't put themselves on the kill list. It didn't change the fact that he did.

His first real, meaningful relationship. He'd been smitten, wanted to marry her and everything. It had ended suddenly when she threw herself off their fifteenth story balcony.

So Jim had tried to stop feeling. He had one night stands with whoever was willing and drowned his misery and self hatred in alcohol and bar fights.

And then Pike came barrelling into his life. He'd given him the same speech as everyone else who'd ever seen his off-the-chart scores. However, Captain Pike had seen something no one else had ever bothered to look for. He'd seen past the criminal record, the brilliance and George Kirk. For a second, a fleeting moment, someone had finally seen Jim. It was more exhilarating than anything that had ever happened before.

It had only taken a split second for Jim to decide to smash through Starfleet. To 'beat' his father at his own game. To finally get people to see Jim. To have meaning and matter.

When Spock walked into his life, long before the Kobayashi Maru, his heart finally began to beat.

It was the first time since joining the academy that Jim was disappointed he'd tested out of Xenolinguistics, having been taught Andorian, Klingon, Orion and Vulcan on Tarsus IV. Hoshi Sato had been one of Jim's favourite people on the colony and days spent with her, learning new, exotic languages and the cultures which sculpted them was a treat for Jim's sharp mind.

So Jim took several martial arts classes, weapons training and became the Treasurer of the Xenolinguistics Club in an effort to be closer to the gorgeous Vulcan. The sleeping around ceased. Rumours did not. At first it was mildly amusing that after Jim stopped the mindless encounters, the more people claimed to be sleeping with him. He wasn't really sure how people had believed the wild stories. When did they think he had the time to do his course work?

The petty rumours did serve to once again highlight his worth.

At Starfleet, he'd put in 100% and yet people still refused to accept him. The friends he thought he'd made, turned their backs and accepted hearsay. Only Bones stuck by him. Partly because he knew Jim's hectic schedule. Partly because he'd been there when Jim broke into the VSA's data banks to research the finer points of Vulcan culture and history. Jim had read about monogamous, bonded relationships and swore off his weekend ritual of casual sex. He read about the ancient Vulcan ways of attracting a mate through shows of strength, courage, loyalty and intelligence and decided to beat the Kobayashi Maru.

He'd desperately tried to gain Spock's attention and respect over and over again. In the beginning of their mission, it had been a constant struggle. One step forward and 15.43 steps back. Figuratively and literally. The most obvious being his demotion for risking everything to save Spock's life.

And then Kahn happened.

In his final moments, Pike had seen Jim again. And when he'd been trapped in the radiation chamber, Spock had seen him too.

It had been oddly nice, in those moments, to press his fingers against the glass and see Spock try to reciprocate his kiss. Jim could ask for nothing more than to die with Spock by his side; that warm buzz just on the edge of his consciousness.

When Jim had woken, the entire world had taken on a strange hue. Everything was super focused and Jim could feel the emotions pouring off the people surrounding him.

Bones had been a ball of relief and triumph. In the waiting room, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov were just about bursting with nervous, hopeful energy.

Spock had been a blank spot. He could feel something yet couldn't identify it. The only thing similar was the electrical buzzing the Vulcan broadcasted which, Jim had come to realise, was simply due to his telepathy.

The Vulcan's eyes, those perfect brown eyes, however showed the slightest hints of affection and satisfaction. It brought forth a burst of warmth which settled into Jim's too cool skin and sunk into his very bone marrow.

Tales of Kahn's defeat both lifted his spirits and crushed them. Spock, using all that incredible - sexy - strength and crazy, ancient Vulcan fury to exact revenge? Kind of awesome and totally hot. Uhura being the only person who could reign in his blood lust? Not so much. It perplexed him. Why had they broken up so soon after Kahn had been captured when Spock had clearly shown how much Uhura meant to him? Wasn't that exactly what she'd been complaining about?

In the year after the attack - and his death - Jim had turned to Spock for guidance. He'd practically lived in the extra protective Vulcan's pocket as he sought to control the after effects of Kahn's super blood. He had experienced about a 30% increase in his sight, strength and hearing as well as the increased empathetic powers. Spock had to teach Jim how to shield his mind and control his strength. He'd even had to learn how to speak at the right volume and be slowly reintroduced to noisy, crowded places.

Through it all, Spock stood by his side.

Spock had become Jim's most important, most precious person. Bones was his best friend, no doubt, but Spock was something else. He was in a league all of his own. A place no one could ever touch.

Their nightly meditation sessions and weekly chess games meant the world to Jim. Even their arguments on the bridge - in the turbolift, mess hall, rec rooms, gym, engineering, cargo bay, labs, transporter room, sickbay - were important. Mostly because their fights never came back to their adjoined quarters with them. It never failed to make Jim feel special and safe. Worth fighting for.

That had all been a dream.

In the here and now, Spock was leaving him. In a few minutes Jim would be lead to T'Pau and their bond - their precious, amazing bond - would be ripped apart. Destroyed.

Jim held back another sob.

The door opened and two Vulcan's stepped through. As their eyes found Jim's, they gestured for him to follow. He was lead down a high arched hall and into what looked like council chambers.

Near the raised platform Spock stood, tall and proud, completely at ease in his natural habitat. He would make an excellent council member one day.

Jim walked through the near empty room, eyes focused on Spock. If he looked around and caught sight of Sarek's disapproving glare, he might just turn and high tail it out of there.

"James Tiberius Kirk of Earth, you have come before the Lady T'Pau, matriarch of the House of Surak, to formally break your bond to S'chn T'gai Spock of Vulcan. Is this correct?" Jim swallowed, throat tight. He didn't want this. He didn't want this! Spock, help!

"That is correct." Jim's voice was calm and even, his tone hiding the true extent of his emotional distress. It surprised him, hearing his own voice sound so calm when on the inside he was screaming. Why did Spock not want him? Why had no one ever wanted him?

"Please, come before me."

Following Spock's lead, Jim moved forward and knelt before the wisened Vulcan matriarch.

"I will have thy minds." She placed weathered fingers against their psi points, slipping into their minds like water. It felt, not uncomfortable but different. Spock simply fit into his mind like a missing puzzle piece or the blanket you finally find at the foot of the bed, thrown over your shivering form. His presence was warmth and safety. T'Pau was more of an extra.

Jim felt her moving through his mind, brushing against his shields but never breaching them.

You are much more than you appear, James Tiberius Kirk. It is a shame you are leaving our House.

Jim felt a slight shock as the stern looking woman voiced her approval of his character. Alien amusement drifted from the unfamiliar mind.

They travelled together in companionable silence until they reached the bond. Instantly, Jim felt the panic and desperation from before, raise back up.

It is alright. It is just the bond's way of protecting itself.

T'Pau's mind moved forward and Jim felt her caress the link to Spock's mind. Her gentle wonder filled his mind.

You must pull for it to be removed. I can only guide and heal. This must be done by your hands.

Jim felt his fear spike. He didn't want to. He wanted Spock. He loved Spock.

And just like that, it all feel into place.

He had to let Spock go. Jim simply had to step aside and be happy with whoever made Spock happy. Because he loved him. More than anything. Certainly more than himself. He was nothing without Spock and the Vulcan deserved more than an accidental bond to a man he didn't love.

Jim grabbed the bond with both hands and pulled.

It snapped. The strands tethering his mind to Spock's untangled and turned to ashes. Vaguely, he could hear someone scream. The pain in their voice made his whole mindscape shudder.

T'Pau gently soothed the raw ache and began to pull away.

I look forward to our next meeting, James Tiberius Kirk. You are always welcome in my house. Live long and prosper.

With her parting words, she left his mind completely and Jim knew nothing more than numbing blackness.