Chapter 7 – The Start
Anna came to me today. She had been crying. She says she hadn't been, because she's a teenager now and she thinks that teenagers don't cry.
I asked her what was wrong. She just said, "Elsa didn't laugh."
It turns out that she had been telling Elsa a story, about what she had done that morning-
"I chased the frog back to the pond, Elsa. You won't believe how fast he was. I followed him onto the rocks but I slipped and landed on top of him in the water!" Here, she had to pause to laugh, and press an ear against the door. "He jumped down my dress! Do you know what I did then?"
There was silence behind the door, and there wasn't usually silence. There would be some indication of listening; a giggle muffled behind a hand, a slight thump when Elsa leaned against the door or rapped her knuckles against it gently just to let Anna know she was there.
"I was running around the garden and shrieking. Did you hear me? Papa says everyone heard me."
She paused again, eagerly, awaiting a response.
"Are you listening? Do you want to know what happened to the frog? Knock if you're still listening."
Another pause, a strained silence of anticipation fading into disappointment.
-And Elsa didn't answer her. There was always some sort of answer, even if it was just to tell Anna to go away. She had never been ignored before.
She went back to her room so that no one would see her cry. After she came to me, I went to check on Elsa. I hoped she was asleep, and that's why she hadn't said anything.
"Elsa? May I come in?"
The reply was dull. "Anyone can come in. It's just me who can't come out."
Idun came into the room, and closed the door softly behind her. "It's cold in here. Are you alright?"
Elsa was sitting on her bed, clutching a pillow to her chest. The gloves couldn't hide the taut lines of her hands, evidence of some sort of tense discomfort.
"Elsa?"
"I wanted to say something to her," Elsa whispered, staring into space. "I know I should have. I should have laughed. But I just couldn't. I . . . I can't laugh, Mama."
"Start with a smile. That's easier." Idun forced a smile; it was not warm and easy. It was laced with worry, because Elsa was frowning and rigid, and she had been this way more and more often as the weeks rolled on.
Elsa looked up at her, her face a blank mask, and for a long time nothing happened. Finally, Elsa looked away. "I can't."
"You can't what, darling?"
"I can't smile. It's not working today." Another part of her had broken, she was snapping apart piece by piece, and soon there would be nothing left of her but ice. First she had stopped talking to Anna. Then she had stopped laughing. Now, she wasn't even smiling.
"It'll get better. Things always do. Tell me how you're feeling."
Agdar and I have spoken about Elsa many times before. I think she needs help. He thinks she just needs to focus on other things. I have no idea what Elsa thinks of all this, because she won't tell me.
"Please, Elsa? Tell me what you're thinking about."
Elsa held the pillow closer, and she closed her eyes to block out the light. Conceal it, don't feel it. "Nothing."
"How can you feel nothing? Everyone feels something."
She worries me. I feel like I'm losing her. Every day, there's a bit less of the Elsa I once knew.
"I don't feel anything. I don't feel," Elsa said, and she muttered it into the pillow over and over again, "Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel."
Maybe this was normal. Maybe this was just who she was supposed to be.
She's afraid of her own feelings. She's calm when she feels nothing, and she panics when she feels anything. What's going to happen to her when those feelings get out of control?
"You should be resting," Kai grumbled, as he doggedly followed Elsa to her study. "You passed out yesterday."
"The past is in the past," Elsa said breezily. "And I'm feeling much better. I really am."
She had even eaten breakfast with Anna. And promptly thrown it all back up again, but no one needed to know that.
"You should still be resting."
Elsa spun around, stopping Kai in his tracks. Her eyes were hard, but the rest of her face was regal and serene. "I wake up every morning wondering what I'm doing. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be bringing to the world? I've spent years thinking I was a curse and a monster. And I'm not the only one thinking it. Lots of people do. And Anna's made it very clear that I can't convince anyone otherwise unless I . . . also convince myself."
"And how does that justify trying to work yourself to death?"
"I asked Anna if she was happy. And if it was easy to be happy." Elsa's strong gaze faltered for a moment. "I hadn't been truly happy for years. But there was one time when I was. When everything was beautiful and I felt joy. And that was on the North Mountain."
"You're not . . . thinking of leaving?" Kai questioned cautiously.
"No. I'm done running. And I can't leave Anna." Elsa bit her lip. "But while I was resting-"
"Passed out from exhaustion."
"- I thought about what made me happy. It was . . . being free. Being me. No right, no wrong, no rules. And . . . letting my powers go, and using them for me again. I hid them for so long, but they are me, and I need to use them to really be myself."
Kai nodded, and he waited patiently for her to continue.
"I think the reason I feel like I don't belong in this life is because there's nothing around me that reflects who I am. This isn't a palace of ice, this country isn't always covered in snow, and that's a world that I love. That will make me happy. But I can't cast Arendelle into an eternal winter."
Kai felt a sagging sense of relief; he had been slightly concerned about where Elsa's mind was going.
"I need to make Arendelle mine. I need to look at it and want to be a part of it. I need to feel like it's mine, and I'm it and the two of us must belong together. And that's what I was working on." Elsa fidgeted slightly. "I'm trying to change Arendelle. Make it better." Just like me.
"But none of that will matter if you're not around to enjoy it," Kai said gently.
"I know. I . . . just had trouble understanding that." Elsa closed her eyes for a second, mustering courage, and when she opened them again the endless blue was slightly pained. "I need help, Kai. I need someone to tell me when I have to take a break. I need someone to make sure I take a walk with Anna or something. And I need someone to tell me if I'm messing up."
Kai nodded.
"Anna does a lot of it, I know, but she's got her own work to do. I know I ask a lot of you, but . . ."
"Anything for you." Kai said. "But I want something from you, too."
Elsa looked at him curiously.
"I watched you grow up. I've seen you every day since the day you were born. I will make sure that you are safe and healthy, but I need you to do me a favour in return. I need you to remember the days when you wanted to be Queen. The days when you loved your magic. When you believed you could do anything."
Those memories had long since been hidden in darkness, over shadowed by the many demons running rampant through Elsa's mind. She was trying to bring those memories back into the light. "I'm trying, Kai. I remember those days. I'll find a way to believe them again."
"Thank you. Now, don't you think you should go back to bed and rest? Princess Anna said she was taking care of everything today."
"I have one thing to do," Elsa said. "It won't take long."
"Call if you need me."
"I will." Elsa smiled as Kai bowed, and her smile broadened just a little bit more when she realised that she could smile. She entered her study, and closed the door.
There was someone waiting for her, seated patiently, and Elsa made her way to her desk and sat down. "Thank you for coming."
Councilman Benedict looked sour. "I hope you're going to announce that you're planning to step down from the throne."
Elsa ignored that. She looked him dead in the eye. "You knew Arendelle before my father ruled it."
"Yes. Back when it wasn't ruled by women and magic."
"And you've seen a lot of changes to it. You've even implemented some of those changes."
"Yes."
Elsa sat a bit straighter. "Has there ever been any sort of change that hasn't made Arendelle a better place? To your knowledge, has anyone ever ordered a change that wasn't the best thing for this country?"
"Not as of yet."
"And if we were to improve upon it even more, what is the first thing you would do?"
"You're . . . asking my opinion?"
"Well, yes." Elsa deadpanned. "You've proven to be quite opinionated."
Benedict had the decency to look slightly ashamed. "Yes. Perhaps." He cleared his throat. "If I were in charge, I would open up more trade with neighbouring countries. I would send more diplomats to other countries, and maybe create some sort of military alliance. We are a very small country, our infantry is not impressive. Ideally, I would like to expand our farmlands further into the mountains, but that would of course require a larger work force."
"How would you acquire that?"
"There are groups of people living outside Arendelle that do not have many job opportunities. I'm sure they could be hired for things like clearing the forests and expanding roads."
"What about education?"
"I would like to see more schools. We also have a shortage of private tutors, it would be nice to have something in place to train up more tutors and . . . why are you asking me all this?"
Elsa wordlessly opened the middle drawer of her desk and selected a thick stack of paper. She slid it towards him.
Benedict took it, and leafed through, his normally dour face growing slightly awed. "What is all this?"
"I haven't been sitting around being depressed," Elsa said quietly. "I've been putting all these new projects into place. I went through every single one of my father's notes, I looked into the records of Arendelle left by my grandfather, and these are the things I want to change."
"There is a lot here."
"I know. I'm not perfect and neither is Arendelle, but I will do my best to make it seem that way. Of course, doing all of this and my other duties will be impossible."
"Yes."
"That's why I'm putting you in charge of it."
There was a stunned silence. Benedict stared at her. "I beg your pardon?"
"I am promoting you to Head of Council. Every single one of the projects outlined there are now your responsibility."
"Why me?"
"You know Arendelle well. Also, you don't like me. If something is incorrect, I am certain you will bring it to my attention. And I'm hoping to change your mind about me. I am depressed, we know that. But it will not affect Arendelle, and I trust that you will raise any concerns you have with me promptly."
"Yes." Benedict was still slightly over whelmed.
Elsa remained impassive. "Hopefully this is up to par for a young, inexperienced, magic-addled woman."
"I'm sure it is," Benedict said faintly.
"Benedict." She didn't sound angry. "You doubt my ability to rule Arendelle. You think I won't be able to manage. You seem to think that I'll drag this place down with my inevitable break down. But there is no one who is more aware of my shortcomings than I am. No one can doubt me more than I doubt myself. I will not see Arendelle fall."
He did not apologize. Elsa expected that.
"You can go."
Benedict stood up. He said nothing.
"Leave the door open."
He did pause in the door way, to look back at her curiously, as though wondering what had sparked this sudden change. Elsa remained quiet and poised, and he left her alone, with the door standing open.
If the door was open, the sun streamed in.
"You're in a good mood." Anna commented, bouncing into Elsa's room later that day. "I heard you called a meeting with Councilman Jackass. Did you fire him?"
"No." Elsa replied. She was reclining on her bed, stroking Bae with one hand while the white reindeer lay nestled against her side. "I promoted him."
"What?" Anna's shriek caused Bae to jump up, looking searchingly around the room for danger.
"He is very good at his job," Elsa said. "That's all that really matters."
"All that really . . .?" Anna spluttered. "Did you fall and hit your head?"
"What? No." Elsa frowned. "Anna, he's going to oversee all the new treaties I'm putting into place. So Arendelle is more stable."
"Oh." Anna looked suspicious. "You're not doing all this so that . . . so it doesn't matter if something happens to you, because Arendelle is all taken care of?"
There was a brief spike of hurt lancing through Elsa's chest at Anna's assumption that she was going to do something irrational and destructive. But she pushed it aside. "No, it's not that. Um . . . if I can see a difference . . . maybe it'll show me that I am worth something. I want to make Arendelle mine, so that I know . . . that I'm needed here."
Anna's suspicions faded.
"I know you want me to wake up one day and suddenly see the world as you see it, but that's not going to happen," Elsa said. "This is going to take time, and I'm going to take steps forward, and I'm going to take steps back, but . . . at least I'll be going somewhere."
"Giving yourself something to focus on," Anna nodded. "So you have meaning."
"Yeah." Elsa agreed.
"And, maybe, actually looking after yourself?"
"Bae will tell you if there's anything wrong," Elsa said, giving the calf another affectionate rub on the head. Elsa glanced around her room, and her eyes fell on the dark wooden box near the window.
Anna followed her eyes, and her stomach tightened. That box was empty; every single letter was stashed in Anna's room so she could read them.
Elsa went to the box, and picked it up carefully. She kept her eyes down. "I know you want to know what's in here. But . . . but it's such a dark time that I don't want to face it again. I need to leave it behind."
Anna remained silent.
"It's a time I'm not proud of, and it's a time where I was someone that you don't want to know. So . . . let's just pretend it never happened. Okay?" Elsa looked at Anna with such raw hope that Anna couldn't bear to confess.
She nodded. "Sure, Elsa. Do what you think is right."
Elsa looked visibly relieved. She offered a tentative smile, and took the box to her closet. Anna went to sit with Bae while Elsa jammed the box in a corner and closed the closet doors with a self-satisfied little smile.
Bae nuzzled contentedly into Anna's side. She stroked him automatically. "So . . . feeling better then?"
"Much," Elsa said, and Anna grinned in response. This had happened a few times before – after a major break down Elsa's mood would lighten for weeks.
"You still need a break, you know," Anna said. "A holiday. Not an afternoon."
"We'll get there." And that was progress, too, because Elsa wasn't dismissing the idea, nor was she defending her time. She was acknowledging that a break was a necessity. All Anna had to do was harass her until it happened.
"This is very detailed," Benedict said, frowning over Elsa's near novel on the impending changes to Arendelle. "It must have taken days."
"Weeks." Elsa corrected. She paused, then asked hopefully, "Is it alright?"
Benedict answered grudgingly. "Damn near perfect."
"Good," Elsa breathed.
In the ensuing silence, Benedict watched Elsa carefully.
She had called him to her study again, to make sure everything was in order, and while she was still tense and tight-lipped, he was impressed by what she had done so far. He cleared his throat. "I wasn't expecting such thorough work from you."
"You weren't expecting any work from me at all."
"No. I suppose I wasn't. Still . . . I'm sorry for my earlier comments."
"It's okay. You weren't wrong about me."
"I think I was." He tapped the document. "From what I've seen these last few days . . . I think you'll do better than your father. Maybe one day you'll be someone I can be proud of."
"Better than my father?" Elsa questioned, awed by the prospect.
"Time will tell. You're still young. You've got a lot of time to make mistakes. And you will make them."
"Well, if I don't bring Arendelle to its knees, it won't be too big a problem." Elsa said coolly.
Benedict nodded gruffly. "I'll get to work on this." He gathered the document again.
Elsa stopped him just before the left the study. "You don't like me."
He thought hard before answering, Elsa assumed he was taming whatever comment had sprung into his mind first. "No, I don't."
"You think I'm a depressed fool who's going to freeze Arendelle."
"Yes."
"Let me know if that ever starts to happen." She needed someone to watch her back, someone who would step in swiftly if she ever took the wrong path. Someone to guide her in the massive task of being Queen. This was a job Anna couldn't handle; it was a job Kai couldn't understand. Elsa needed someone to keep her on the straight and narrow, someone who wouldn't allow her to take the scenic route to recovery.
Benedict nodded. "Believe me, I will."
