Chapter 7,
It's Time To Let Go
The following weeks were like living on an amusement park roller coaster. She'd be trudging along, overworked and frequently overwrought. Some days she'd be sure it was all a colossal mistake and she'd border on despair. Then something would happen to remind her just how much she wanted a family and how she always, in picturing that family, could only see it with Harm. That was the future she wanted, so very desperately. She would do what she needed to do to have it.
To be part of a family, to grow old being part of that. It was then that she'd remember the words spoken by Harm's grandmother. She'd also recall her visit and how the woman welcomed her into the family home and into her life. Mac could only hope that in time, those traits, that generosity---which she had seen in Harm many times over during the years---would come back to him. She knew them to be part of his character; she forced herself to have faith in who and what he was, beyond all the hurt, the injuries, the anger.
As he said he would, he sent an initial draft. It arrived by the end of October, with more detail than she could have possibly imagined he would ever consider. It was outlined down to the finest of points. She called him to discuss a few minor things but for the most part, it was cut and dry. She also told him about the information she gathered from the clinic. His responses were abrupt, clipped. All that interested him was the date he needed to be in town. Other than that, one word could describe him: rude. He didn't attack but he didn't seem inclined to offer even the most basic civility. The end of every call left her feeling beaten down. At least that was the only way she could---she would---describe it.
But she kept holding on to hope; hope that he would come around, hope that he could accept all that had happened, hope that he would stop blaming her.
There were a couple more conversations and mailings about the contracts and a couple other phone calls about health procedures. His attitude remained the same. Finally, Mac had signed all that he asked and she scheduled the appointments, enduring a battery of tests. Harm would face fewer but there would be some the day of his arrival. After initial screening, if things looked even reasonable, they would proceed to the next level, Harm's actual, physical presence no longer required at the clinic.
He told her he would be spending Thanksgiving with relatives, so they planned to begin after that, in conjunction with her fertility cycle. Mac's anxiety level wavered between high… and sky-high. She didn't feel she could share the details with anyone---it was just too much to explain. She knew the stress would affect the chances for success, so she tried to keep busy, to keep everything as normal as possible.
The evening before the procedure, at the end of her work day, and knowing she would be tied up for the coming days, she decided to visit the Roberts family home. Bud had been away for most of the week on an investigation and possibly could be for several more days. Harriet had only returned to JAG a few weeks previous and was still finding a comfortable routine juggling work and two children. With the Christmas holidays nearing, Mac knew she was feeling the stress. It would provide the perfect opportunity for diversion: helping out a friend and seeing two children she loved and enjoyed.
Harriet was helping AJ finish his presents in the dining room and Mac was keeping little Jimmy occupied. Evening was his active time, making it difficult for Harriet to have one-on-one time with her older son. AJ's behavior was reflecting that and it was a challenge she hadn't really considered when she choose their new home. She no longer had the freedom to choose work; they need her income. Mac knew there were times Harriet took a lot of it on herself because she allowed her judgment to be somewhat clouded during that whole process. But they were friends, and Harriet had been there when Mac needed support and acceptance. This was one way Mac could return the favor. Besides, she really did enjoy the Roberts children.
He started to fuss a bit so Mac sat with Jimmy in the rocker and he quieted down, as long as she held him tight. She noticed a magazine on the end table nearby, a parenting magazine that she knew Harriet began reading before AJ was born. The headline jumped out at her and she picked it up. "The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children." Thinking she was heading down the parenthood path, she located the article and began to read.
The more she read, the more it struck her. Slowly, she began to see different aspects of her own life, a different perspective. The child in her arms finally fell asleep and she sat, rocking him a while longer. How could she deny herself this? But how could she go through with it? Really do this.
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It had been a restless night. The words she had read on that page kept running through her mind. As dawn came, so did clarity. With each passing day, the decision had weighed on her, it didn't lessen as time went on. She came to understand why: It wasn't right. Not this way. Several things came into view, actually it was more like the proverbial two-by-four---these details hit her upside the head.
Her relationship with Harm could in no way be described as positive. What was she thinking in bringing a child into that? Thus far, he was unwilling to work it out; hell, he wouldn't even allow there to be peace between them. The animosity he felt overpowered anything else. She had been manipulated and disrespected several times over during her life, starting with her own parents. She was still allowing it. Every conversation with Harm left her feeling belittled, and her already fragile self-esteem was teetering on the edge. She had thought she'd gotten past that years ago, but all this brought it back into view. Even the most pragmatic discussions resulted in her questioning herself: and there was the light bulb. She had been telling herself that she was just feeling a bit beaten down by the whole situation. But truth be told, at the end of each conversation, she felt something she swore she'd never allow herself to feel again. She felt battered.
In the end, that proved to be the tipping of the scale.
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Mid-day,
Friday
New Hope Fertility Clinic
Washington, D.C.
She arrived at the clinic early and went to the reception desk. She cancelled the appointment and went out to wait for Harm to arrive. She had a while before he was expected; it would give her time to compose herself.
By the time he arrived, she was at peace, sad but calm. He may welcome her decision; or not. Either way, she couldn't be responsible for anything but her own decisions, her own actions, and what she thought was right.
"Hey, Harm."
"How come you're not inside?" The bitterness remained, even after all the weeks past. And it strengthened her conviction.
"Listen, Harm. I have something to say." She took a deep breath, knowing she was ending her own dreams. "We can't do this." He stood motionless; skeptical, suspecious. "It's not right."
"What do you want now, Mac?" The bitterness gave way to impatience.
"I want you to listen. I read something last night and it all finally hit home." She took a deep breath, she might as well be cutting off her own arm.
"Harriet had one of her parenting magazines lying out and I picked it up. It made a lot of sense. It talked about how the best thing you can give your child is to love his other parent. You don't love me, Harm. You don't even like me." When no denial was forthcoming, she continued. "I've lived that life; parents who don't love each other. It changes who that child is, who a child could be. It's a gamble in any relationship but we're not even starting out right. We'd---I'd---be sentencing a child to that before it is even conceived. Always in the middle, always denied that security. I can't do this. So…" She had to take another breath to maintain the strength.
"I'm releasing you from your obligation. I'm sorry you drove all this way---it was selfish of me. But I needed to say this to you, for my peace of mind. For everything, for all of this, I am sorry. I hate that you got the worst of this. I hope you'll one day forgive me. I know you, and this anger isn't you. What I also know is that I will always love the man I know you to really be, the man I have loved longer than I can remember." She inhaled one last time, confident that this was her choice---the right choice, and breathed out words more difficult than she had ever spoken.
"Goodbye, Harm."
