CHAPTER 7
Sunken, weary eyes stared back at him from a face he wasn't sure he recognized anymore. He thought he could physically see the lines deepen, if that were even possible, the traces of youth that softened his features withering away before him.
Well, shit. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? With three simple words, Petra had put him in a very compromising and uncomfortable position. As much as he wanted to, they weren't words that he could simply ignore. She hadn't tried to deny it either, but merely apologized for her slip-up. She meant what she said, but she hadn't meant to say it. She must have been truly lost in the moment, so it was absentmindedness to blame. That's how he knew it was the truth.
There was a problem however. Despite being ethically against his principles as her superior officer, the concept of which he'd decided to abandon a long time ago, Levi wasn't sure how he felt about her. He liked her a lot, yes, but he wasn't sure if he could call it love. At this point in his life, he wasn't sure he was even capable of that any more. In fact, until now, he had given up thinking that he was a person even worthy of receiving love from another. He had worked so hard to isolate himself for fear of having his heart ripped out again, that he had, for the most part, given up on the entire notion.
That wasn't entirely true. Levi trusted Erwin with his life, and the man was the only person who'd believed in him unconditionally and irrefutably from the moment they first met.
When Erwin first captured Levi and his friends in the underground capitol, Levi's world turned red. He wanted nothing more than to see Erwin's blood flow, spilled by the hand of none other than himself. The man was tall, blond, handsome, and obviously from a well-to-do upbringing. How dare he shove that privilege in the faces of three gutter rats? But after the death of his friends, Levi found out, it had never been about that. None of that mattered. They were all human, and the titans didn't discriminate when it came to whom they'd make a meal of next. For as long as he could remember, Levi wanted to escape from the underground, but the fact of the matter remained, it wasn't much better anywhere else inside the walls. It was the walls that needed escaping. Erwin showed him that reality. Humanity needed to return to the world they'd once inhabited so they could stop merely surviving and actually live. Erwin's intentions had only ever been for the greater good. He had recognized Levi for the skilled warrior that he was, but also his potential in helping him achieve his goals. He hadn't been seeking a pawn. He'd been seeking an accomplice, and found in Levi, another rational human being who could sympathize with his own fight for freedom.
But Levi's relationship with Erwin wasn't one of love, at least, not in the romantic sense. The two had a bond more akin to that of close brothers. If there was anyone in this world that he could call family, it was Erwin. But maybe Petra was becoming a part of his family now too.
These and other thoughts scampered like a brigade of ants through his brain, but the fact remained that Petra was still out there in his bed. At least, he hoped he hadn't scared her off.
There was only one thing to do. He couldn't say it back, because he was still unsure of his own feelings, but he could show her how much he cared. She'd been waiting for something more physical, so maybe now it was time. He pondered the thought for a moment, trying to determine whether or not he finally felt comfortable with the idea.
He looked down and pulled out the waistband of his shorts, eyeing himself up. Immediately, a welling of doubt grew inside of him. Vain though it may have been, if he were going to do this, he didn't want to end up being a disappointment.
She had to understand that everything about him was proportionally smaller than the average male. And if she truly loved him as she'd said, then it shouldn't matter. He had to believe that.
Levi took off his shirt and threw it on the floor beside the sink. It needed to be washed anyway.
Opening the door slowly, he started back across the room. He was relieved to see that Petra was still there. He noticed the way her eyes widened when she looked at him, and though he should have felt good about that, he only felt self-conscious. He didn't show it though. After all, he wasn't new to this, despite his nervousness. Plus, he knew she was staring in awe, not because she thought badly of him.
The wordsmith that he was, he won her over. Not that he'd needed to say much. She'd wanted this for so long, he knew she wouldn't have questioned it. He supposed he'd wanted it too, but his damn sense of respect for her and his ethical dilemma over his position as her superior had been holding him back.
When she laughed, he felt a sharp chill of embarrassment shoot down his spine. What was so damn funny?
"You're ticklish. Right here," she chuckled, poking him in the groin. He jumped from the touch, but was thankful that's all she was laughing at.
Petra had been groping for the waistband of his shorts, and she went right back to it as soon as he leaned in for another kiss. Fuck, he was turned on. The friction between the skin of her bare body against his, it was almost more than he could bare. When he kneeled back and she slid his pants off, her fingertips trailing down his thighs, the rush that flooded through his nerves overwhelmed his senses.
Her lips were sweet, yet tasted of the salt of her sweat mixed with his. She was exactly what he needed after so many years of pushing people away. She may not have known him as well as she wanted, as he was only apt to share so much, even with his closest companions, but she got him, understood him, and that was enough.
He didn't want to be too hasty though. He could tell she was confused when he got up and went to the desk. And when she finally figured out what he'd retrieved from the drawer, he didn't miss the sudden guilty pang that crossed her face, even in the dim lighting of the room. Petra may have overlooked something so simple, but for a number of reasons, he would never allow himself to be so careless.
She writhed beneath him, her movements like that of a slowly twisting snake and she rose up when he felt between her legs, testing the waters. If only she would keep her voice down. He covered her mouth and told her as much.
She was so ready for him; he couldn't hold off any longer. He readied himself with the condom and when he moved into position, he felt her hand wrap around his penis and guide him into place. The sensation was strange, but the irresistible look on Petra's face begged him to go on. He felt himself slide easily into her as she inhaled deeply, then let out a breathy moan that drove him insane.
Levi didn't want this to end. He finally felt comfortable, whole, like a person who'd lost half of his soul and now it had been found and returned to him. He went slow, taking his time and really feeling her from every angle and aspect. Her upturned face, the sweat between her breasts, the way her spindly, small fingers held him at the base of his skull… she was beautiful. Everything about the moment was beautiful. And that was a profound thought coming from him.
Petra's hips finally learned the rhythm his had taken on, and caught up to his movements, mirroring them with expertise as the energy in his lower pelvis grew. His heart raced, and his breathing came more ragged, but he wasn't tired. Even through the hot, stickiness between them, everything was soft, delicate, teetering just on the brink.
Eventually, she tilted her hips differently, the angle changing sharply and it took him by surprise. This was it. She was going to finish without him unless he took it to the next level. He quickened his pace, his breath picking up as a result. Her cries grew louder, but he accepted the volume as low enough, and didn't try to cover her mouth again. Besides, he was enjoying it.
Eventually, he felt that tense squeeze of climax take him, and he let out a low moan as he tensed.
She pulled his head to her collarbone, insisting, "Wait."
As she forced him deeper, he could hear her heartbeat in his ear as it pounded a resounding rhythm. Then all of a sudden it gave one loud flop and regained it's quickened pace as she found her own release.
They stayed there for a moment, breathing into one another's skin, holding each other close and feeling like one single being. Finally she let go of his neck, and he pulled out of her before rolling to the side to catch his breath.
The slick, salty taste of her lips found his again after only a few moments, and it was all he could do to not kiss her back. His fingers wove through her hair, holding her close.
Would he have called this love? He still wasn't sure. But he was okay with that. She was what he wanted at this time, that he knew, and nothing else mattered beyond that fact.
Several weeks had passed since that first encounter, and he couldn't remember ever being so comfortable letting another human being be as close as Petra was to him now. He let her touch him how and wherever she wanted, he let her do anything she wanted. He quickly found out that her persuasions were a bit… alternative in this area. Things he liked to think about, but wouldn't dare discuss with anyone, even Petra, except when they were alone and in the moment.
He very much enjoyed the sex, it was true, but it wasn't just that. Petra was kind, understanding and patient, the last of these traits he was most grateful for. He was well aware that he wasn't the easiest person to get along with. Often times his snarky comments or brash attitude washed right over her as she politely ignored it. Perhaps she'd just gotten used to these things, and accepted that they were part of who he was. If that were the case, it was amazing to him, since most people couldn't stand to be around him because of it. Petra had become one of the rare exceptions.
Erwin however, the one other exception in his life, had been giving him quite a few sideways looks lately. Levi thought perhaps he was simply imagining things, paranoia getting the better of him. But then again, Erwin had a knack for being a bit of a creep, scheming away in his own little world, and knowing things he shouldn't and didn't let on to knowing at all. Whatever. Let Erwin think what he wanted to think. Unless he got proof, or caught them in the act, he most likely wouldn't be a problem.
What else was there to do though? It had been over two months since the last mission, and still Erwin fought to gain funding for another. There was only so much work that could be done outside of the Scouts' main job of going outside the wall and fighting titans. Levi could only clean so much of the headquarters before it was too clean, a concept he never would have thought was within his scope of thinking. So he'd started focusing a lot of his energy on keeping himself and his horse in shape. Petra joined him a lot of the time in these activities, and unfortunately, so did Auruo. They couldn't spend much time alone together during the days, so they'd gotten used to pretending like nothing was going on. At least in the mean time, Levi could count on Auruo for a good laugh, watching him stumble over himself trying to impress her, and him, and kiss everyone else's ass all at the same time. He also found amusement in Petra's daily outbursts at the boy, as she seemed to grow more and more irritated with him as the days wore on. Levi actually wasn't sure if Petra could sense Auruo's feelings for her. He might have to ask her some time soon.
The daily routine at headquarters had become just that: routine. The only thing that kept him interested in the boring day to day was Petra. Together with her and the others, or alone in his room, getting to know every inch of her, it didn't matter. Just being around her for now was enough to keep him sane. He didn't have any family that he cared to see, and the only real friends he'd ever had were long gone. Petra was the most important thing to him now.
And yet, Erwin was an ever-constant presence as well, lurking just behind the shadows. He was important too, and sometimes Levi forgot about that. However, Erwin was not the first person to ask him about he and Petra's sudden attachment to each other.
"You and Petra have been hanging out quite a bit," Hanji said, sitting down across from him at the table. Levi just wanted to get this weekly officer meeting over with. This was not a discussion he wanted to have right now. Not here, and especially not with Hanji. At least no one else had shown up to the meeting yet.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He looked the other way, hoping that would give her the hint that now was not the time.
"No, I think it's great, actually. You finally made a friend that isn't Erwin or myself."
"You're not my friend. You're just a nuisance." He glanced up at her with tired, deadpan eyes over his glass of tea.
Hanji cracked an amused grin. It was the closest she'd get to making the captain laugh and she knew it.
Levi was thankful she didn't seem to suspect anything further than he and Petra's mere friendship. He was worried for a second that she might. She could be harboring suspicions though. At least if that were the case, she was smart enough not to bring it up. If she had, he might have leapt over the table and shoved her glasses down her throat.
Just then, Moblit and Mike entered the room, followed by Erwin.
"Good morning, he said as the three of them sat down."
"Erwin, can we please start using some of the money for research? It's necessary…."
Hanji was off on her tirade again. The rest of the meeting would proceed with focus solely on this topic, and despite his wishes to leave, Levi had to stay and listen to it, as Erwin promised her over and over again that it would happen in time, but right now they needed the money to go out beyond the wall again. How would they capture a titan if they didn't? The expedition had to come first. If they could get the money to do that, then they could ask for the equipment to help them capture a titan.
"The problem with that, Hanji, is that the government and high ranking military officials would never allow it. Everything we risk our lives for, the sole notion of going outside the walls, is a taboo. Bringing a titan inside the walls would cause even more of an uproar than sending humans into titan territory. I've told you before, I've asked for these things on your behalf in the past, and I get nothing but scoffs and ridicule in response."
"But you can talk to them, Erwin! You know how to make people see things your way. So make them understand how important this is!"
"I'm telling you, I've tried. It's useless."
"Then take me with you the next time you go talk to them."
"Hanji," Levi, spoke up, "maybe the way to get what you want, is to stop playing by the rules."
The four other people around the table merely stared at him. Only Erwin had a smirk of admiration on his face. The others just gaped. He continued.
"The higher ups don't like us anyway. They think that our missions outside the walls are a senseless waste of money, time, and manpower. So fuck them. If you want to capture a titan, then do it. Stop asking for permission. I'll even help you, if you want."
Hanji's face lit up then, and Levi thought she might fall out of her chair.
"But how are we going to capture a titan with just our 3D gear?" Moblit asked, looking worried. "We would need something bigger to keep it tied down, a bigger more durable cart to carry it back, more horses to pull the cart… and then we have to get it inside the walls. Who are we going to bribe to let that happen? How much of a bribe is it going to take? We'll be in financial ruin, and nobody will ever trust the Scouting Legion again."
"Levi can take care of it, if there's a problem once we've gotten it in. Everyone knows his reputation, so we use it to our advantage, and that's our argument." Erwin had an almost maniacal glint in his eyes. This could actually work.
"We can't tell anyone else about this plan though. Not even the other soldiers in the Scouts. I'll put in another appeal for mission funding under the guise of setting up more supply outposts. They'll probably deny the request a few more times before they finally give up and give us the funding, if nothing else than to make me go away. This will have to work."
Hanji looked as if she were going to blow a gasket. But she simply turned to look at Levi, a tear in her eye. "Thank you, Levi," she croaked. "I can't thank you enough."
"I only said it so you'd shut up." He then went back to sipping his tea and didn't pay her any more attention for the rest of the meeting. This entire discussion bored him, and if he had to offer to help Hanji with her stupid research to make it end sooner, then that was the price he would pay. He didn't really mind though. He actually agreed with her that research on titan physiology was the next logical step for the Scouting Legion. At least then there might be something more interesting to do during the lull between missions.
The meeting finally ended, and the officers dispersed. However, for the rest of the day, Hanji stayed glued to him like a fly on shit. He just ignored her though. What else could he do?
