Disclaimer: NO OWNAGIZZZZZZ of Newsies or any of the characterz in itz. I DO, however, own Roxanne. Yuss... ownage of humanslave...sex slave? (ignore me, I'm loopy from the cold meds. Lucky for joo, the important parts of this chapter were written BEFORE I took THE MEDS and so only the disclaimer, title, surveyness part, and maybe AN will be of teh loopynesses.)

Chapter Of The Nextness – Teh Chapter Of Teh Longness

Roxanne—

It's at times like this when I thank God I'm a chat room junkie. I need my best internet friend now, and had I not met you in some random chat room two years ago, I'd be sunk.

Let's start with why I've not written in a few days—I've been so stressed you wouldn't believe. Not to pull the old 'school and life' excuse on you, but school and life have me chained to a wall and are raping me up the butt. What's more, they stole my laptop.

Well, actually, the laptop theif was my sister, but the fact remains that it was gone, and me+no computerno writing Roxie.

Now for a life update: a few days ago I sort of... did my sister's boyfriend up the butt. Yeah, oops. How's that for a stupid move? So that led me to realize that I am, in fact, gay. (Does that make you a fag hag?) And he's not handling it so hot—Jack (yes, THAT Jack—best-friend-and-sister's-boyfriend; that's who I did) refuses to admit that he's even BI, much less (God forbid!) GAY. So he's being an immature fuckhead (and you KNOW how much it takes to make me swear), and I'm forced to take all the REAL weight of the rumors about us. All he has to deal with is one annoying guy—our friend Spot, I'm sure I've mentioned him—mentioning every five seconds that Jack's gay (which he may or may not be). That doesn't really matter, though, because nobody listens to Spot anyway. Not even my young, impressionable brother believed him. (Then again, my young, impressionable brother thinks Jack is some kind of saint.)

It got pretty bad at one point, though—the guidence counselor called us in to take these weird surveys that just so happened to ask our sexuality. Jack's answers were very... well, I'd apply a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet to them:

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

I, however, gave very characteristically down-to-earth answers—if it asked my name, I gave my name. I tried to use enough extra wording to please the councilor's Psychology Senses (similar, I'm sure, to Spidey Sense), but not tell more than I would be comfortable with the general public knowing.

Now I'm thinking about the impact I'm sure this experience has had on my relationship with Jack. I've always been like a best friend and mother to him, but mothers don't usually have sex AND strong romantic and sexual feelings for their sons. Not saying that one or the other of those CAN'T happen in a mother-child relaionship... just saying the latter is pretty unusual and both are frowned upon in most societies. So if it were up to me, we'd date, but there are two problems with that idea:

1. Jack refuses to admit he likes men.

2. He also happens to be dating my sister. (Although I have heard from a reliable source that they've not had sex in quite some time.)

So enough about me. How's your life?

-David

---

David—

Sweet Jesus! Ass rape and computer thievery and bondage! You've had quite the exciting life lately! I can almost say the same for myself (the exciting life bit, not the ass rape, comp thievery, and bondage bit), but yours pwns mine.

But enough of that—I'm going to overanalyze your e-mail before I let my personal life get in the way of things.

Whoa—you meant that ass rape thing seriously! You fucked your sister's BOYFRIEND?! Or maybe the correct capitalization of that statement is more like: You fucked your SISTER'S boyfriend?! That's sort of borderline incestual, if you ask me, especially since you're also his mom. (Which could make for a very disfunctional family.) Don't take that the wrong way—I'm not ragging on you or anything. Your life is totally getting interesting... you could probably make it into a really good reality TV show. (Check out the oxymoron action!)

Okay—you're gay. That's actually kind of interesting. I mean, you don't seem like the stereotypical gay to me at all, which makes it that much better. And, yeah, I guess that makes me a fag hag. (Let's go shopping together now!) I should make a t-shirt: "David's Official Fag Hag." I can make it like a paying job... without the money.

I guess he's just in denial... then again, maybe he's NOT gay. You said YOU fucked HIM, not the other way around, so maybe it was a one-time thing and maybe he really DOESN'T like men. After all, even straight men can be raped up the ass. Even straight men could probably come off it, given that they can enjoy rim jobs and having anal with their girlfriends. (Oh, the power of strap-ons.) So it really could be that he's straight and it's a totally one-sided thing. Then again, if they haven't screwed in ages (Jack and your sister, I mean), it could be that he doesn't like chicks. Or it could be that he doesn't like Sarah.

That's really all I can say on the matter, so I'll move on.

I was actually in the hospital or a few days! Apparently it's not cool to OD on sleeping pills. (I'm not suicidal, don't worry. I was just piss drunk and it was some dumb experiment I did. It didn't matter in the end, though, cos I was so drunk that the pills plus one more shot of whiskey and one more swig of beer made me puke for five hours straight AND have to get my stomach pumped. Pretty nasty.) Now I'm back home and totally fine, though. Unfortunately, my older brother Cade died OD'ing on cocaine. Gosh, what is it with my family? Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Gee, Roxie, you don't seem too torn up over your brother's death to me." Honestly, I'm not. I'm kind of happy that he's gone (and only a little ashamed of that). See, he raped me when I was ten, sunk a knife into my back when I was thirteen (nearly killing me), and tried to shoot me last year. Yeah, don't like him so much.

Love ya.

Roxanne.

---

Chemistry Notes

David

Jack

Racetrack

---

Jack, I need to talk to you.

I'm not gay.

Actually, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about.

Well, I don't wanna talk about it.

Jack! Can you take ANYTHING seriously?

Um, yeah, and I seriously don't want to talk about it.

Look, it's not like I'm gonna tell everybody about our discussion or anything. Please! I deserve the truth!

Okay, fine. Truth is? I'M NOT GAY. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

JACK!

What?

Do you really want to ruin our friendship over this?

...No.

Then we have to TALK about it.

Um...

Yeah?

Can we at least do it later? And less publicly?

This is public? What's less public than this?

IM.

Well... okay, if you promise to actually do it.

Promise. I'll be on at 6.

Umkay.

That was... really gay.

Shut up.

Shutting up.

Hey!

---

RACETRAAAAAAAACKKKK!!!

Yeah?

I need your cool, short, Irish-Italian help!

Does this have something to do with your sexuality?

Uh...

I know all about you and David. No point in trying to hide anything.

Shit.

Anyway, you needed my help?

Yeah. Davey wants to talk about it, and I don't know... what I can say about it.

Well, he'll doubtless want to know if you have feelings for him, where things stand with Sarah, and whether or not you're gay.

How'd you get so smart?

Always been that way.

Okay, so anyway, I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Then let's go through it one by one. DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR DAVID?

Is the intensity really necessary? It's creeping me out.

Just answer.

Um... well, he's my best friend.

I'm waiting.

ANSWER!

But...

Vee haff vays of deelink vith people like yoo.

That was an extraordinarily crap German accent.

Then answer!

Uh... NEXT.

Okay—where do things stand with you and Sarah?

I don't know how to answer that.

Well, I heard through the grapevine that you two've not fucked in AGES.

WHAT?! WHO SAID THAT?!

Well is it true?

That's private.

Well, I'd say the answer to it should give you a pretty good idea of where it is with her.

Hmm.

Finally, are you gay?

TEH NO.

Let me rephrase that—do you HONESTLY lust after women? How about emotionally?

Uh... they're alright, I guess.

How about men?

Um...

Well?

Shit.

I see.

---

SaveAHorseRideMe: 6:00 on the dot, see?

HonorsKid: Good job.

SaveAHorseRideMe: knew you'd be proud.

HonorsKid: So. Let's talk.

SaveAHorseRideMe: um, okay?

HonorsKid: Um...

SaveAHorseRideMe: well?

HonorsKid: Let's start with this:

HonorsKid: Are you in love with my sister?

SaveAHorseRideMe: love? no.

HonorsKid: Do you like her?

SaveAHorseRideMe: not... really. but she's pretty enough, i guess.

HonorsKid: Why are you dating her, then?

SaveAHorseRideMe: uh... she... um, status? plus she's kind of an easy lay.

HonorsKid: EW! Wayyyyy TMI there!

SaveAHorseRideMe: you asked.

HonorsKid: But Race told me you two haven't had... done it lately.

SaveAHorseRideMe: DAMN IT!

HonorsKid: Is it true?

SaveAHorseRideMe: ugh. yes.

HonorsKid: Why?

SaveAHorseRideMe: i... haven't felt like it, i guess.

HonorsKid: I see. Okay, ready to move on?

SaveAHorseRideMe: sure

HonorsKid: How do you feel about me?

SaveAHorseRideMe: how do YOU feel about ME?

HonorsKid: I asked first.

SaveAHorseRideMe: i asked second.

SaveAHorseRideMe: plus i'm not answering till you do.

HonorsKid: Okay...

HonorsKid: Well...

HonorsKid: Um...

HonorsKid: I love you.

SaveAHorseRideMe: shit.

HonorsKid: What?

SaveAHorseRideMe: i...

HonorsKid: You...?

SaveAHorseRideMe: honestly don't know. how I feel about you.

HonorsKid: You are SO naïve.

SaveAHorseRideMe: ...sorry?

HonorsKid: Well, at least tell me honestly—are you gay?

SaveAHorseRideMe: ...

SaveAHorseRideMe: maybe.

HonorsKid: REALLY?!

SaveAHorseRideMe: chill out! christ!

SaveAHorseRideMe: i said MAYBE.

SaveAHorseRideMe: i guess i'm either... bi or gay.

HonorsKid: Wow!

SaveAHorseRideMe: DON'T TELL ANYONE OR YOU DIE.

HonorsKid: I gotta... go.

SaveAHorseRideMe: PROMISE NOT TO TELL!

HonorsKid: I promise.

HonorsKid has left the chat.

SaveAHorseRideMe: hm. not so hot on this whole i-spill-my-heart-you-leave thing.

SaveAHorseRideMe has left the chat.

---

A Random Jack-Survey, As Saved at 7:06 PM by Jack Kelly

ARGHHHH. I need survey therapy.

K SO THE WAY YOU DO THIS SURVEY IS YOU PUT ITUNES ON SHUFFLE AND WRITE THE TITLES. JA, JA.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Touch Me – The Doors

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Here In Your Arms - Hellogoodbye

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Elephant Love Medley – Moulin Rouge

WHATS YOUR LIFES PURPOSE?
If You Were Gay – Avenue Q

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today – Avenue Q

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Why Do You Love Me - Garbage

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Mickey – BWitched

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
SexyBack – Justin Timberlake

WHAT IS 2+2?
La Vie Boheme B - RENT

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
I Should Tell You - RENT

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
For Good - Wicked

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Shut Up and Sleep With Me – Sin With Sebastian

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Faggot - MSI

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Date Rape - Sublime

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Unwanted – Kill Hannah

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Come What May – Moulin Rouge

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
What I Like About You - Lillix

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Urinetown - Urinetown

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Like A Virgin – Madonna

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Venice Queen - RHCP

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Take Off Your Clothes - Morningwood

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
When You're Good To Mama - Chicago

Oh, God, that didn't help.

----

A/N: I have a strange love for MusicalsAndLameMusicSuchAsMickey(ButNotSuchAsTheRestofTheAwesomeMusicFromTheSurvey)Freak!Jack. Ohh dear, that was a long name for a muse... . Umm... Like A Virgin IS by Madonna, right?

Soooo yeah. There wasn't much comedy in this chapter. It was mostly serious, PLOT-LIKE things.

Yuss.

Um, yeah.