The sorting hat had found solace in the quiet of Dumbledore's office but it was only temporary. Before he even had time to fathom how a male hat could possibly procreate, the door opened and in came Voldemort.

"Hello," he said tentatively.

The hat said nothing and remained with his back to the dark lord.

Voldemort tested the waters and edged closer to his former lover. Seeing that the hat hadn't shuffled away he continued.

"Look…..I know things have been bad lately but I think we can work things out," he said in a tone so gentle that it could have been made of baby magic unicorn feathers.

"Oh, you mean work things out so you can get a hold of the pornographer's stone, right? You were just using me!" the hat sobbed.

Voldemort motioned to talk but he couldn't deny that deception was how their relationship started. However, what Voldemort hadn't counted on was a quicky with a hat to blossom into a beautiful connection that connected them.

"I can't deny that it didn't start out that way but…."

Before he could finish he was interrupted by a loud crash. Snape and Aragog had just joined their private party.

"But what?" Sneered Snape, "but now you can't because you're in love? Ha! Don't let him fool you sorting hat."

Voldemort pulled out his wand to do Snape in but was caught off guard when the hat jumped in between them.

"YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH! Both of you!

"Um…guys?? Aragog poked into the argument, "look….I'm not really relevant to this scene so I'm gonna go get something from the kitchen. That cool?"

They all nodded their approval and the giant spider left.

"ANYWAY" the hat yelled as it jumped back into the previous confrontation, "you two have been yanking my heart around and I'm sick of it! ONE of you is the father of this baby and whoever it is had better step up as a man and help me raise it!"

For the first time that night Voldemort and Snape agreed on one thing ; they weren't ready to be fathers.

Meanwhile, almost the entire student population had made its way to the hospital wing to visit the beautiful Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop.

"Tell us more of your painful past so we can fall in love with you as we slowly realize the amount of courage bubbling under your modest exterior!" Ron, Draco, and Harry cried out in unison.

"Well if you really want to…" she cooed.

"YES PLEASE GODS ABOVE LET US HEAR IT" they all yelled.

"Okay!"

And so she began her horribly painful and twisted life story.

"Well when I was born, Saturn, Mars, and the Hubble telescope were all aligned. This meant that was to be blessed with every power ever yet cursed with every horrible thing ever. I was born grand princess duchess goddess maiden and everybody in the land and universe loved the crap out of me. Oh, except for these evil witches that hated me. They flew to the grand castle I lived in, that was made out of dazzling pearls and rainbows, and cast me out into the muggle world where I was made a slave for a karate expert. He used to be cruel yet when he looked into my eyes he knew that he was wrong about everything and treated me like he didn't treat the 6 daughters he already had. So after that, I was walking down the street one day and I was attacked by a group of trolls who all wanted to make me their bride. They were, like, really obsessed with my beautiful body and soul and mind and captured me and took me to their icky cave. I managed to escape using the lights from the moon and a machine gun. So they are probably still looking for me or whatever. Anyway, I was trying to get back to my castle because my people were suffering without me. It was then that I realized I was also the lost princess of the unicorns so I had to hang out with them for a while. So, one night I was dancing for my subjects and a king of some other place happened to be walking by and he was instantly entranced by the graceful movement of my body and he became jealous of anybody else who saw me. He decided to put a curse on me, cause he was also magic, and the curse allows me to be seen every 373910193842920103894029 years on the night of wonders. That's tonight! So…..you can probably expect to see some trolls, unicorns, ninjas, and an angry king to show up"

They all stood there with wonder in their eyes.

"Oh how tragic!" cried Harry.

"How endearing!" said Ron.

"Let me make love to you to make the pain go away!" swooned Draco.

"Umm where in the world is Dumbledore?" a faint voice in the distance yelled out.

Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop was about to address her adoring fans when the doors to the hospital wing flew open. In walked a blonde with stunningly green eyes.

"I'm looking for Harry Potter" she said in a voice that flowed just like silk and really smooth silk.

Harry stepped forward. "Who is asking?" he replied.

"Your long lost twin sister!" she cried out. The school collectively gasped.

Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop, however was none too happy to be temporarily ignored.

While all this craziness was going on in the hospital wing, things were heating up in the room of contrived plot devices.

Hermione walked seductively towards Fred and George with Mrs. Norris in her arms.

"So," she started, looking them up and down, "do the drapes match the carpet?"

"I don't know" replied George coolly.

"Why don't you find out?" suggested Fred with a wag of his eyebrows.

With that Hermione went to examine the beautiful drapes that wonderfully complemented the carpet.

"You know, they DO match!" she said excitedly, "I thought they were slightly off but they are both the most delightful color of chartreuse. Even the couch matches!"

"Yes, that is a lovely couch," George agreed.

"Meeeaaoooow"

"Oh yes Mrs. Norris, we should shag on it" Fred replied.