A/N: Upon watching the episode "Swiss Family Phineas", I was rather distressed to see the name of Major Monogram's lackey spelled "Carl", whereas I've been spelling it "Karl" for about a year now. Then when the name was spelled "Karl" in the end credits of that episode, I simply became confused. Then I suddenly realized that this discrepancy actually fit in very well with what I'd already written for prompt 36 ("Name") in this set, so, once again, the day is saved thanks to pure serendipity.
Not too much to say about this prompt, except for the fact that I love writing for these guys. So. Very. Much. XD
And for those not fluent in Spanish, for prompt 27 ("Cognate") try looking up the word in question in a Spanish dictionary. I promise, it's a lot funnier if you can understand that part of the joke.
Job Satisfaction—Major Monogram and Karl
1. Enlightening
You'd think that working for a top-secret spy organization type thing would be a really eye-opening, informative job. The sad truth is, even they don't know what they're doing.
2. Praise
He'd applied for the job in hope of earning some money, to be spent on his gorgeous girlfriend...provided he could get one before the end of summer. So it was a bit of a shocker when he found out that the phrase "complimentary salary" in his contract actually meant that he would be paid in compliments. ...Especially since the Major had never given him one.
3. Newsy
One of Major Monogram's favorite pastimes was advising Karl on what pick-up lines to use on pretty girls. The question was whether he thought they'd actually work or if he was purposely trying to sabotage his employee's love life.
4. Resources
Perry just sat there, staring blankly up at the screen while Major Monogram rattled off all the "very reliable sources" he'd gotten his latest information from. In all probability, he'd just had Karl make them all up.
5. Mortal
The man never acted his age. That's why, when he came down with that horrible flu, it surprised them both that the Major was a mere mortal after all.
6. Go Up
For all his time spent in that job, and for all his time spent searching for any possible promotions, Karl still had no idea if there actually was anyone else in the agency or if it was all just him and Monogram.
7. Capsule
The older man called them his "vitamins", generally popping a few into his mouth during a crisis—like when Agent P didn't pick up the phone after the first ring—and seeming noticeably invigorated afterwards. Funny brand name for a vitamin, though..."PLACEBO"...
8. Itching
Karl hadn't wanted much for his birthday—just a new sportscar, a black leather jacket and a throng of attractive girls who wouldn't run away screaming the moment they laid eyes on him. Instead, he got a backscratcher. And the moment he opened it, the Major bared his back to the boy and said "Do it."
9. Unsettling
Vanessa shuddered, a look of disgust on her face. They thought they were so clever with their disguises—oh, NO, she would NEVER notice the same two guys stalking her around the mall if they kept putting on different uniforms every time she turned around!
10. Dilute
The Major never drank wine. Not ever. Instead, he drank grape juice, which, oddly enough, seemed to have the same effects.
11. Decline
It was because the economy was bad, Major Monogram would insist, ranting about it for hours on end. Because of this horrible economy and the sinking stock market, nobody was applying for jobs as secret agents because they were afraid that the spy business was going under too. And Karl just sat there and wondered how high unemployment rates were in the animal kingdom.
12. Standardize
"Of COURSE they all have to wear hats! How ELSE could we tell that they're secret agents?"
13. Immorality
After he learned that his ex-wife had not, in fact, sent him that ugly monkey-shaped toothbrush holder, Dr. Doofenshmirtz's suspicions were raised to an all-time high. When he disassembled it and discovered that it was actually a spycam (he'd thought that monkey's eyes had been oddly large and reflective), he became truly furious. Putting a camera in his bathroom—now THAT was just playing DIRTY! They knew he made up all his best plans in there!
14. Scotch
Just as he'd been instructed, Karl explained the properties of the new Atomic Laser Phaser Crazer to Agent P, and, just as he'd been instructed, tried to draw attention away from the fact that it was held together by Scotch Tape.
15. Story
"How did this organization start, you ask?" The Major rubbed his chin thoughtfully, completely ignoring the fact that his employee had asked no such question. "Well, you see, first there were these two little chipmunks, and they had some mice friends, and a pet fly, and, see, they were called the Rescue Rangers..."
16. Hostile
The passing was tense, wide and crowded as the sidewalk was. Dr. Doofenshmirtz sneered contemptuously in their direction, to which Major Monogram just scoffed before shoving Karl in front of him like a human shield.
17. Particle
Karl's first mistake had been doing a school project during work. His second mistake had been letting the Major help him. His third mistake had been, while presenting this project, so vehemently defending the idea that particle physics was "an ancient series of spells crafted by Norwegian fishermen".
18. Certainty
If there was one thing Lawrence knew about that strange new family across the street—the white-haired army major and his redheaded son, though goodness knows how he'd gotten a son that young—it was that the two had an almost unnatural obsession with animals.
19. Gigantic
Unless you worked for or against it, the agency was the biggest secret the world had ever seen.
20. Needle
"S-sorry," the teen stammered awkwardly, hefting the four-foot-long plaster model in his hands as the platypus froze in terror. "Um, this is just a decoration...the real flu shot is over there..."
21. See Also
Entry: Monogram's Age. See: Years. ... Entry: Years. See: Timeline. ... Entry: Timeline. See: History. ... Entry: History. See: School.
After two hours, Karl finally had to give up, shutting down his computer in defeat. The Major sure knew how to keep people from getting dirt on him.
22. Importance
"Karl," the Major told him on his first day at work, "you're the only one who can do this job."
It wasn't until three months later that he realized that this was because he was the only one who'd volunteered.
23. Quid Pro Quo
Finally the staring match was over as both parties grudgingly thrust out their offerings, each one's inherent misery abated only by the act of snatching away the other's prized possession. And so they both retreated back to their desks in silence, Major Monogram snapping open the new CosmoGirl magazine and Karl starting in on the plate of Jell-O.
24. Farm
"Old MacMonogram had an agency, E-I-E-I-O! And in this agency he had a PLATYPUS, E-I-E-I-O!"
25. Vex
Karl hadn't wanted to sit in the shopping cart—not only was it uncomfortable, it would make him look so stupid in front of ALL those AVAILABLE GIRLS—but the Major had won him over with the promise that it was part of a top-secret mission. Until he realized that they were just spying on Dr. Doofenshmirtz and Perry grocery-shopping together.
26. Formality
So it actually wasn't necessary for the boy to ask permission before taking bathroom breaks, but still, his employer loved to see him squirm.
27. Cognate
"Lo see-yen-to," Major Monogram recited awkwardly to the Hispanic woman, who looked ready to throttle him. "Uhh...yo estoy muy embarazado."
Karl blanched as some rather disturbing imagery popped into his head. "Um, sir? 'Embarazado' doesn't exactly mean 'embarrassed'..."
28. Attentive
As usual, Ferb was the only one who noticed the bespectacled teen slinking around their backyard—this time dressed in a chicken suit. And once again he noticed that, while Chicken Boy continued his futile quest to find the family pet (Perry was currently inside, napping on the couch), that crazy old white-haired guy was hiding behind the fence, guffawing like crazy.
29. Excellence
No matter how he tried, no matter what humiliation he was put through, it seemed that Karl couldn't do anything right. That was, until he realized that Monogram's world essentially revolved around Monogram, and that it was a compliment of the highest degree that he was allowing Karl to stay in it.
30. Parliamentary
"...And how did you know that, sir?"
"The British government told me!"
"Wait, wha...no. No no no—"
"Exactly! It was PARLIAMENTARY, my dear Watson!"
31. Thinness
It was certainly the most awkward shopping trip he'd ever been on, having to wait for ages outside the dressing room door only to be greeted by the bony, unshaven legs of his employer and that age-old question of "Do these boxers make me look fat?"
32. Unreality
Being Major Monogram's intern had been the first legitimate job Karl had ever held; it wasn't until he started working part-time at Mr. Slushy Burger that he realized just how bizarre a job experience it really was.
33. Checkerboard Design
The white-haired man furrowed his brow in annoyance at the teenager across from him. It had been such a bad idea to set up temporary headquarters in the Doofenshmirtz Abandoned Board Game Factory—not only had they spent more time playing games than actually working, Karl kept BEATING him!
34. Trill
Agent C—Calvin the Canary—had been a lovely songbird. That was, until SOMEone accidentally left him in the same room with The Other Agent C—Clem the Cat.
35. Unruly
On a good day, the Major would come to work without pants. On a bad day...
36. Name
Technically speaking, "Karl" isn't his real name; it's actually "Carl". Thing is, he misspelled it on his job application form, and since then he's just gotten used to the "K".
37. Begging
"It's NOT a date! Nonononono! Only I haven't got a date, 'cus...uh...'cus the girls were all intimidated by my manliness! Yeah, yeah! So, uh...can you just come an'...keep me company?"
38. Disorganized
Finally it was decided that the current system would be kept, although there were currently eighteen "Agent P"s. (Perry the Platypus, Peter the Panda, Pinky the Pooch, Pasquale the Piranha...)
39. Shortcoming
The boy was short and ugly, stated the man. The man was tall and ugly, retorted the boy. To which the man replied huffily that at least he was tall, and the argument kind of died right there.
40. Jackanapes
After a long day of painful searching and a lot of embarrassing video-phone calls, the Major finally found his toupee...taped to the bottom of Karl's chair. He was going to kill that boy.
41. Smear
He was so jealous, so incredibly jealous, and Monogram knew it; that's why he grinned so smugly, taking every available opportunity to regale his employee with the juicy details of how exactly that lipstick smudge (red rouge, no less) had gotten onto his collar. Of course he'd never admit that it was actually ketchup.
42. Harsh Sound
The wannabe ladykiller had always been convinced that he had both the sex appeal and the singing talent of Elvis Presley. So when his performance of "Every Time We Touch" earned him a Simon Cowell-esque roasting from his employer, he concluded that the Major was just jealous.
43. Water
The Major shuddered midway through his third sip. It was bad enough that he had to share a water bottle with Karl, of all people, but did the boy really have to pick RIGHT THEN to start discussing all his medical problems?
44. Four Hundred
That's how much money Karl made during his first summer at the agency. ...Yup. A whole four hundred cents.
45. Neglect
Baljeet just sighed as he reluctantly accepted the twenty-fourth peace offering and, for the twenty-fourth time, walked solemnly across the street to hand it to the older gentleman, who, for the twenty-fourth time, scoffed loudly at him and turned away. And then he headed back to the teenager to start the cycle all over again. Though he knew little of the specifics of the situation, as he was just the go-between, it all seemed a bit much for having forgotten one lousy birthday.
46. At Pleasure
It was times like these, Karl reflected as yet another gorgeous amazon popped a grape into his mouth, that he loved how good the Major was at lying to influential people.
47. Requisition
Even if he desperately needed new equipment, Perry hated calling in for it. First he'd be answered by Karl, who, stir-crazy from being cooped up at work, would babble endlessly about how happy he was that he actually had someone to talk to; then Major Monogram would come on the line and get all mad about how Karl had answered the phone when only the Major was worth talking to, and by the time the two were finished arguing, Perry would have already gotten exactly what he needed from Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
48. Schoolmate
Candace knew that kid over there, the little dork with red hair and glasses; he'd tried asking her to this very dance and she'd socked him a good one. But now why had he come with an old guy?
49. Motionless
At last count, the Major had been standing there stock-still for five whole hours, never once realizing that there was not, in fact, a poisonous spider on his head.
50. Obvious
He wasn't sure what was different about how he said it this time—"You were the obvious choice for this job"—but for once the statement seemed truly genuine. And the boy was able to respond to it with an equally genuine smile, because, as he had only just realized, the compliment meant more to him coming from this source than from any other in the world.
~End~
