LIFE LESSONS

I became very attached to the Cullen's over the years, but none so much as Nessie. She and I shared a commonality that the others couldn't quite understand. Neither human nor wholly vampire, we had the advanced senses of the Cullen's, but the overall appearance and habits of humans. Nessie continued to grow over the next 4 years into an absolutely gorgeous woman. She would always be frozen at about 19 it appeared, just like her mother. This brought up an interesting theory for Carlisle. He thought that since all halflings received part of their DNA from each parent, that the human part of us would 'age' to the year of our mother's death. This made sense to me as none of my sisters appeared to be the same age as I was when I had met them. They ranged from about 16 to what looked like their mid 20s in appearance.

I appear to be around 18 years old or there-about according to the Cullens. I assumed that was the age that my mother had conceived me. She was young by today's standards to be a mother, but in her lifetime she was at the prime age to be a mother of several children. My Aunt had always told me that my mother was picky. My mother was to marry to a man in her village 20 years her senior and her impending marriage terrified her. My Aunt told me that my mother had been out gathering food when a handsome, pale stranger approached her. My biological father seduced my mother over the course of a few days and he convinced her that he would take her back to his home in Europe and save her from marrying a man she hardly knew. My mother's innocence fell victim to my father's predatory nature and soon she found herself pregnant, alone and terrified of what her family would do to her.

My mother had confessed the affair to my Aunt and begged her to help her keep the secret of my father's existence. Begrudgingly, my Aunt agreed to help my Mother. They devised a plan to spend an afternoon gathering food from which only my Aunt would return. The rest of the tribe would be left to think that some wild animal had killed my Mother. My Aunt would then nurse her sister through her pregnancy and I was to be born into solitude. As my Mother grew weaker by the day, my Aunt began to accept the fact that she would loose her little sister to the monster growing inside her belly, the monster that she was willing to die for, me. They discovered that animal blood would satiate my Mother's hunger and temporarily build her strength, but with each day her little body still grew weaker.

The day I was born was one that my Aunt will never forget. As fuzzy as her human memories are, she told me that day would always stand out for her. I will always be the reason she lost everything. That burden has been difficult to live with and not one that I could forget easily. It is something that I carry with me everywhere I go and that weight is at times almost too much to bare. I cannot look at myself without feeling responsibility for her death. Why should I, something so evil and dark survive?

Nessie would often ask about my mother and my Aunt. Her innocent curiosity made our conversations about my life before the Cullens bearable. Over time I came to understand why she asked so many questions, I believe she genuinely wanted to understand my sadness. She had been conceived out of love, and accepted from the day she was born. In many ways she could not understand that I did not have that same upbringing. I had been brought into a world of pain, regret and sadness.

"Do you remember your mother at all?" Nessie asked once two years ago as we sat together taking in the afternoon.

It was a summer day in Forks and we both had taken a walk to the clearing that Nessie's parents had spent countless hours in. She told me that it was a special place that brought them peace. I had spent too many decades dealing with the crowded messages in my brain and craved nothing more than a little peace. Sadly, the meadow did not have the desired affect on me. There is no escape from who I am.

I closed my eyes, and allowed the single painful sensory memory that I had of my mother rush through my body, he scent. The nonexistent smell filled my nostrils as if she were there in front of me and I bowed in the wake of the burning sensation behind my eyes where no tears would come. Nessie watched wordlessly and gently leaned forward to touch my cheek. I brought my hand up and laced my fingers through hers for support where it rested. A sound much like a strained cry escaped her lips in response to the strength of my emotional memory. Nessie leaned in and touched her forehead to mine and for the first time in my life someone truly could see my world and its torture. She felt the intense aching that my soulless body carried with it. A single wet drop hit my cheek and startled me out of the moment. I looked up to find tears spilling down Nessie's face, her eyes searching mine. From that day forward Nessie never asked about my mother again.

When you are born into love as Nessie had been, you have an innate sense of support. Your family might not be near you, but you know that they will drop everything for you, they will love you no matter what may come and they will always be there when you feel to weak to go on alone. I don't think she truly understood the emptiness that threatens to crush my body at times or the hatred I feel for my existence, but she saw it then. Some may call my situation 'unfair', that it is really one of choice. I could have chosen to disregard life as my biological father had done, I could walk the earth an undead murderer and embrace my frozen humanity without regard for anyone else. I instead chose to morn the loss of my Mother and the good she could have brought into this world had she never encountered my father. I chose to walk alone and I have only myself to blame.