Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Worst Health Insurance Ever
I walk right next to Church who is on the roof of the base looking out across the canyon.
"Hey Church."
He turns to me and says "Hey Lockett."
"You've been up here since morning," It's afternoon now, "You should take a break."
"No thanks I'm good." I was about to leave but something told me to try and help him, so I did.
"You alright?"
He looks confused to why I would care, I simply tell him, "It's my job to make sure all my men are functioning at 100% capacity, even you Church."
There is a moment in silence and then I hear sigh before I continue, "I'm sorry about what happened to Tex."
"Allison, her name was Allison. You know, when I said I wanted to get rid of the A.I., I didn't want her to die in the process, it's all my…" Oh no, I will die before I have one of my men go down this road, even if it is Church.
"Church look at me," He turns, "Trust me, I have seen it all and what happened back there, it's not your fault, not even close. You just have to accept it and move on. I knew Allison enough that she wouldn't have wanted you like this."
"Well she might have." smirks Church. 'Now there's is the old Church.' I thought.
He then turns to me and asks, "Have you ever lost someone like that before?"
I exhale and try think off the top of my head, "Well, I have lost people, maybe not as close as you and Tex were but we were close. Nothing like what you're going through."
Church then asks, "If you don't mind, who were they?"
"No I don't mind, it was years ago," I bring out an old memory of back when I was in the army, "There was this one battle the required us to go into a place like Sydewynder, we were there to try and blunt an enemy counter attack." I soon grab his complete attention, not that I didn't have it before, "We were stuck there from December, all the way through January." It was a painful memory, but I need one that Church would relate to, it will do, "My entire company for two months were stuck in fox hole in the freezing snow with the trees constantly exploding from enemy artillery. We went in there with 121 men plus 24 replacements, that's 145 men, we left with 63." I turn my head and look out in the same direction as Church, "I remember, I was at their side watching them die, some were literally just kids while others I've been friends with for years." I take off my helmet, pull out a pack of cigarettes, I guess I was right to bring these along, I pick one up and light it.
He turns to me in surprise and asks me "You smoke?"
"I know," I smile, "Very stereotypical," I wave the pack in front of him, "but yeah I do, not often but every now and then." We both share a laugh.
"Can we keep her real name just between us, I don't want the other guys knowing?" I simply nod in understanding.
"If you ever need anyone to talk to, let me know," I tell him before turning and walking back into the base, "Oh by the way," I turn back and say to him, he turns and looks at me, "don't miss dinner tonight, it's pumpkin pie."
He smiles and says "Thanks man."
"Anytime Church."
Time skip
It's been awhile since Tex died, I have fixed the tank...again..all except for one part.
"Sheila." sobs Caboose as I cradle him and attempt to comfort him. I swear my job is turning more into a babysitter than an actual military leader.
In other news, the relationship between me and Church has started to repair, he has even gotten over Tucker having the sniper rifle! He said that he could at least hit something with an assault rifle. One more thing to add, Tucker and Fergo seem to be getting closer, so I say things are starting to looks up, to bad I couldn't see how much crazier they would get.
Line break
It was a bright and sunny day...who am I kidding, the sun NEVER fucking sets around here, it would night for all I know! Anyway, we are gathered around the top of the base, Fergo is reading comics and I'm simply daydreaming...What? I deserve being lazy!. I still have yet to figure out how to fix Caboose, he still has these mood swings, mostly targeted around Tucke...poor Tucker. They have gotten so frequent, Caboose and Tucker are arguing it with Church right now. Just so you know, he tried telling me before, but I told him just to wait and see, so I guess he thinks Church will do something.
"Hey Church we have a problem." starts Tucker.
"I am not your mother! So don't come tatling to me every time one of you does something the other doesn't like!" LOL
"I'm telling you he's crazy! He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice!" complains Tucker.
"No I didn't!" denies Caboose.
"Oh! So you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?" Tucker sarcastically asks.
"You know. I think you're taking my words a little out of context." Caboose growls.
"What context?" Tucker questions back.
"Why didn't you ask Lockett about this?" asks Church.
"He said it's just a mood swing and blamed it on puberty." replies Fergo not even looking up from her comic book.
"Well don't come to me then!" Church shouts at both of them. "Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop okay. Just because Lockett decides not to give you guys enough attention," kinda false claim but okay, "doesn't mean you can come to me! I thought we established by now…"
"Excuse me." Hm I wonder who that was, then I sit up in realization in what I heard and Fergo's comic slides out of her hands revealing her face with eyes as big as tennis balls.
What does Church do? He without turning says "Hey pal, one second okay? I'm in the middle of something here." He then continues back with his original rant. "I thought he had established by now, I don't like either of you okay? So competing for my attention won't do you any good. If Lockett doesn't want to deal with you, don't come to me!"
"Excuse me!" the guy in purple armor calls again.
Church then regains composure before turning to the new guy and saying politely and calmly, "Yes hello. Who are you?"
"Don't ever be along!" hisses Caboose and Tucker just stares at him.
He turns to me and says "He's doing that thing again." I could only shrug, what am I supposed to do.
"If he's not physically hurting you then I can't legally do anything Tucker, I'm sorry." I simply tell him.
The new guy then says, "My name is DuFresne. Uh, are you Sgt Lockett?"
"No, I'm Church." he then turns to introduce us, he points at me first "He's Sgt Lockett," I wave.
"he is Cpl Tucker…"
"Yo" greets Tucker.
",she is Pvt. Fergo" by the way this point she has changed her armor color to purple.
"Hi." she greets.
",and lastly our friend in regulation blue, he's Caboose...or O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself." finishes Church.
"Why did you introduce me last?" asks Caboose.
Tucker turns and says "It's because he hates you."
Fergo smacks Tucker on the head on comforts Caboose, "Sweetie don't listen to him." Fergo has been a real help lately, because I have to take care of the team, I can't be there to watch Caboose so Fero helps me look after him. In fact, Fergo has even taken to becoming more of a motherly figure to the kid, I wouldn't be surprised if Caboose started calling her mom.
DuFresne then says, "I received your call for a medic."
"Medic? That was three months ago." says Caboose.
"Yeah what did you do, crawl here?" asks Tucker. At this point we were all looking at DuFresne.
"I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?"
All of us look to where we buried Tex (behind DuFresne) and Church replies, "Well, she is about 50 yards behind you, and 6 feet straight down."
He looks behind him and sees two graves "Oh." and he turns back around facing us. "Sorry about your loss."
Church then says surprising me, "Nothing you could have done anyway, she died long before we gave the call for a medic." I hope this doesn't make him relapse on all his progress in getting over her death.
"He didn't like her very much," says Caboose. He then whispers, "She was mean to other people."
"She was only mean to you and for good reason." Church fires back angrily. I place my hand on his shoulder to calm him down.
DuFresne. Then asks curiously, "Who's in the other grave?"
Church then awkwardly says, "Oh...ah...T-that's...That's me, I'm in that grave."
I think DuFresne thinks Church is insane now and his response shows it, "Uh huh. Course."
Caboose then tries to explain it, this will be interesting, "See, he got killed by this crazy run away tank…"
"Or the idiot driving it." mutters Tucker.
He ignores what Tucker said and continues, "He then became this really mean ghost that..uh...took over a Mexican robot's body." Why did he whisper that last part?
"Oh and then we had to uh...spray paint him and uh...to make him blue, and now he is alive again who is a bionic man...who is blue." Not bad, too bad DuFresne now thinks Caboose is insane too.
"Right, took us 6 weeks to get his spanish setting turned off!" grumbles Tucker.
"No esta completamente apagado, pendejo." Church says back in spanish. (Not entirely turned off, moron.)
Tucker sighs and says "I'll go get the Spanish Dictionary."
DuFresne confused asks "Wait, no one here is hurt?"
Church then replies, "No we're fine." I'm pretty sure he thinks we are insane. "In fact, I feel better than ever! See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me…" he motions to Caboose and Tucker. "I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before"
Caboose the asks, "I thought you said they were shorting out?"
"I'm sorry what was that Caboose? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" shouts Church.
"Let me just check out you four and I'll be on my way." says DuFresne.
"Wow check us out?" asks Tucker?
"As much as I like my health, I can't help but notice how awkward it would be for a male medic to be giving a physical to a female soldier." I say hinting towards Fergo.
"He's right, how do I know you won't nosebleed at the sight of a naked female body?" jokes Fergo. I'm sure we just made it really awkward for the medic.
"Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?" Tucker asks with concern. It just got more awkward.
"No I'm just gonna check your vitals." he answers holding up his scanner, huh, kinda looks like a plasma pistol, I'm sure it's only a coincidence.
"While you're at it, can you check my prostate? It's been pissing kinda funny lately, all glowey and shit." I ask.
The medic with actual concern asks "Are you really?"
"Naw man, fucke no." I laugh.
"I bet I have better vitals than you." Caboose says to Tucker. "Whats a vital?"
Church then picks up on something DuFresne said earlier, "On your way? Aren't you here to join our squad?"
"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex and then assist in the canyon as needed." he answers.
"First, great job on the Tex thing, mission accomplished..." Church says sarcastically. "Secondly, the way we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the reds."
DuFresne then says, "Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector." Oh dear lord not one of those.
"A conshe- who?" asks Tucker.
"He's someone who refuses to fight." I inform them.
"Thats right, I'm a pacifist."
"You're a thing that babies suck on?" asks Caboose.
"No Caboose that's a pedophile." Wait what? Tucker WTF?
"Turkce I think he means a pacifier." said Church.
"Oh yeah right, man I was totally thinking of something else."
I just stare at him while Fergo says, "Dude that's messed up."
"Thats real classy Tucker." glares Church.
Line break
DuFresne finishes scanning Caboose and says, "Well, everyone here checks out, I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon." He then asks, "Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?"
Tucker asks, "Why, you said you're not gonna fight 'em?"
DuFresne replies, "I'm not, resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help which ever needs me at the time."
"Man that's super freakin lame!" grumbles Church.
"I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help."
"Define help." I mumble.
Church then gives out a warning, "Well if you're gonna go up to red base, I recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. If they see you walking up to them with that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hands."
BAM! And the scanner goes flying. "Yeah, just like that." nods Church as more rounds fly around them.
I then shout "Take cover!" before crouching down behind a boulder to the right of our base. Looks like the Reds finally attack. We all are now taking cover, i'm with Church, Tucker and DuFresne while Fergo and Caboose are behind a boulder on the other side of the base.
"Oh thats right suck it blue!" shouts the marron soldier. Then the orange one jumps in front of him for some reason.
"Tucker, I need you to get to Caboose and Fergo and help shore up a defence, establish suppressing fire and hold that position until further notice!" barks Church.
"No!" screams Tucker!.
"Don't worry I'll lay down suppressing fire!" shouts Church.
"If suppressing fire means you'll build a bulletproof wall between me and them no! I'm not gonna run out there and eat a machine gun's sandwitch!" Tucker shouts back.
"Honestly we don't really have much of an option until they reload Church." I tell him looking over to immense fire.
"I got an idea," they look at me, "I need you guys to lay down as much fire as you can, I don't need you to hit anything, just fire in their general direction."
"What are you going to do?" asked Church.
"I'll make them scatter with the rocket launcher and they nod. I asked Tucker "Is she ready?" and he nods. "On my mark.." I use my fingers to count down: 3, 2, 1. Everyone pops up from behind their covers and starts firing. I fire both rockets at the enemy team. The red team dives away and into whatever cover they could find.
"Not bad Lockett." Thank you Church. He was about to step out of cover when the reds started shooting again.
"Shit!" He then jumps back into cover, "Hey Lockett you got anymore rockettes?" I shake my head, Church then looks over to Tucker who knew exactly what he was going to ask.
"Hell no! You should come up with a new plan, preferably one that allows me to keep the same amount of blood that I currently have now."
"No problem." replies Church, "Wait, does the blood have to be in your body?" Tucker just looked appalled by the question.
Church then looks around weighing his options and then he gets an idea, "Alright you Doc," he points at DuFresne, "get over there and help Caboose.
"My name is Doc it's DuFresne."
Church rolls his eyes and says "Yeah I can't pronounce that, so from now on, I'm gonna call you Doc."
'Doc' protests "But I'm not a doctor! I'm a medic."
"What's the difference?" asks Tucker.
"Medic's job is to keep you alive long enough for evac." I inform him. Too bad it wasn't Doc's definition.
"No, a medic's job is to make you more comfortable, while you die." corrected Doc. Really?
"Maybe if you're a shitty medic." I whisper to the guys.
"Mental note: Never get shot." mutters Tucker.
"Whatever, your name is still Doc." says Church.
"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick." Doc argues
"I think otherwise." Church argues back. "Now get over to Caboose and Fergo and help them hold that position."
Doc then slowly says, "I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist!"
Already getting frustrated, Church yells, "Then just get over there and yell bang bang bang!"
"Eh, I don't know, even that sounds pretty aggressive."
"Is this guy serious?" I ask Tucker
"I guess so." he replies.
"I'm not even suppose to get involved until someone gets hurt."
"I see…" I turn back and see Church raise his pistol and fire. BAM!
"Ow! My Foot!" cries Caboose.
I turn back and scream, "CHURCH WHAT THE FUCK?"
Hee ignore me and turns back to Doc, "Well, looks like Caboose has gone and hurt himself, maybe you should get over there and help him Doc."
I grab his shoulder and whisper "We are talking later!". I swear I saw him gulp.
Doc then says, "You know you could have just asked nicely."
"He kinda did. Now go, I'll follow." I say to him. We then sprint over to Caboose and Fergo and didn't get hit.
"Fergo how are you doing?" I ask and she says she's fine.
"Where are you hit?" asks Doc. Is he serious?
"My foot." cries Caboose.
"The left foot?"
"Probably because it's bleeding." smirks Fergo.
"Yeah the red one." chirps Caboose, he's way too happy for getting shot. Then he starts crying again, "I can't believe Church shot me."
"OH DON'T EVEN START CABOOSE!" screams Church.
"Anything else?" asks Doc. CAboose seemed confused by the questioned so I repeat the question for Doc, Caboose, you have been shot in the foot, tell us if anything else is wrong.
"Oh! Sometimes when I sleep, I dream about my parents having sex and I get really mad for some reason." Doc, Fergo, and I just stare at him. How do I even respond to that?
"I'm just going to start with the foot." murmurs Doc.
Still thinking about what Caboose had said I just nod and Fergo says, "Yeah, you go do that."
I soon notice something is wrong, the reds have stopped firing. My radio goes off and its Church.
"Lockett the Reds have stopped firing, I think they are out of ammo."
I respond, "I think so too, just hold there, wait and see if they do anything."
I then look back to Doc and..."What are you doing?"
"Treating Caboose's injury."
"But all you're doing is rubbing aloe vera on his neck." complains Fergo. She gives me the look to do something and I simply tell her that Doc is a shitty medic.
"HEY BLUES!" shouts the Red leader, "WE ARE GIVING YOU THE CHANCE TO SURRENDER!"
I lean over to the guys and say "Yeah they are definitely out of ammo." I look over and Church seems to be saying the same thing.
"WHAT ARE YOUR TERMS?" Church shouts back.
"Their what?" Fergo asks me.
"Surrender terms." I cooly explain and she nods her hand while processing the information.
"ALRIGHT BLUES!" starts the Red Sargent. "FIRST OFF WE, WANT YOUR FLAG..." He seems to pause, I assume it's because he is getting feedback from the rest of their team. "TO STAY RIGHT WHERE IT IS! KEEP THE FLAG!" I guess they remember that Tex arrived after they took the flag the last time. "BUT WE DO WANT OUR MECHANIZED DROID BACK!" That's not good. "YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS SENIOR EL ROBOTO!" Too bad Church isn't going to give him back. "I DON'T THINK YOU COULD KEEP HIS NUTS, OR BOLTS OR HIS MECHANICAL PARTS!" Wait, what does he mean by that?
"UH, HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!" Yep it looks like Church isn't giving it back.
Tucker then shouts back, "YEAH, HE WAS ALL LIKE SAYONARA AND HE TOOK OFF!"
"THAT'S JAPANESE TUCKER!" People often get it mixed up for it being French, but then I had a Japanese girl in my squad back in the army, she said otherwise.
"HEY RED'S!" Church shouts back "HOW ABOUT A MEDIC! WOULD YOU TAKE A MEDIC AS A HOSTAGE!"
What surprises me is their response, "EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY GOT ONE, SURE WE'LL TAKE IT ANYWAY!" Aw why do they get a medic. This is actually the first time I got to see the full Red Team all together. Their colors were red, orange, maroon, pink and a person I have never seen before magenta. I may have mistaken him/her/it for the pink guy a few times now that I think about it.
"I think they might have two girls, or at least one girl and a guy." I whisper to Fergo.
"Maybe." she responds as we walk over to Church. "Dude Tucker did you see that, they have a guy in magenta armor!"
"I know! Think its a girl?" ponders Tucker.
"Maybe, Lockett says it might be." replies Fergo.
I hear Church talking to Doc, "Hey Doc how's the patient?"
"Doing well, he seems very alert and responsive." Doc replies happily.
"He's talking about Caboose right?" asks Tucker.
"No, I mean his toe, how is the toe I shot?" Man Church is kind of a bastard.
Doc replies, "Oh that thing, that fell off a half and hour ago, but there is one more thing..."
"What?" He doesn't notice me walk right next to him.
"This." he turns and faces me, and I deck him right across the face. The force from the punch sends Church spinning a full 180 degrees and falls face first into the floor.
"Nice!" shouts Tucker.
"Shh...There, there, sweeties, it's ok." comforts Fergo as she holds a sobbing Caboose.
"Rest in peach pinky toe." he sobs and then turns and glares at Church with his bipolar voice, "You shall be avenged!"
Doc the says, "Tell you what, go ahead and send me over, I don't think I can be any more help."
"Trust me, we know." I mutter.
Church finally gets up clutching the left side of his face, he turns to the Reds and shouts "OKAY! WE ARE GOING TO SEND OVER OUR MEDIC! NOW WHAT DO WE GET?"
The maroon one stopes forward and shouts back, "YOU? YOU ARE THE ONES SURRENDERING!"
The magenta steps forward as well and shouts "YOU GUYS ONLY GET HUMILIATION AND RIDICULE!"
"Yep, she is definitely a girl." I say to the guys.
""WE ALREADY GOT THAT! GOT ANYTHING ELSE?" Fergo shouts back.
Their leader asks "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
I shout back "WE WANT YOU TO ADMIT THAT THE RED TEAM SUCKS!" I guess my inner teenager conformity is kicking in. I see the reds turn discussing amongst each other.
"WHAT IF WE ONLY ADMIT ONE OF US SUCKS?" the Red shouts back?
Two hours later
So there is the orange one, ready to deliver his speech of disgrace.
"OKAY THEN. WE AGREE TO THE TERMS? YOU GO FIRST, THEN WE SEND OUR MEDIC OVER!" shouts Church.
"I WOULD JUST LIKE EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I SUCK!" Aw man, we're like dying with laughter right now.
"AND?" ask Church
"AND I LIKE RIBBONS IN MY HAIR!"
"KEEP GOING!"
"AND I WANT TO KISS ALL THE BOYS!"
At this point, Fergo and Tucker are bawling on the floor laughing, Caboose is giggling maniacally...that's kinda weird...and I'm leaning against the wall for support.
"THAT GOOD ENOUGH?" asks the maroon one.
Still giggling Church shouts back, "YEAH!" He then turns to Doc and says, "Go ahead." and Doc leaves with Red Team.
Line break
"Hey Church?" I ask.
"Yes Lockett?"
"Caboose is really upset that Sheila is gone, the tank may be working but I need your reactivating Sheila." I explain.
"Okay, I wouldn't normally care, but if it'll stop him from crying about it, how can I help." Wow, I didn't think Church would go for it.
I look over to Tucker to explain his part of the idea, "Since you are in the body of the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"
Church surprising agrees to it, "Huh...Yeah it's worth a shot I guess. Alright stand back… ARGGHHH! EEEHHH!" That's funny, his process of repossessing someone sounds like he's constipated. Even, then, I guess it didn't work.
"Nothing?" he shakes his head.
"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere." suggests Tucker.
"See what you guys can find, I'll keep trying from here." So here me and Tucker are, feeling Church up pretty much.
"Oh wait!" Church exclaims, we jump up.
"Found it?" asks Tucker.
"Ah, no wait, all I found is the time and temperature function, it is currently 26 degrees by the way." informs Church.
"26 degrees? That's freezing!" exclaims Tucker in disbelief.
"He means celsius Tucker." I tell him.
"Celsius sucks dude." he whines. I shrug and we continue to looking for a switch or something.
"Found something." called Tucker.
"Oh yeah? You found a button?" asked Church.
Tucker says, "We found a switch."
"Well give it a flip."
"We don't want to flip it." says Tucker.
"What's the problem?" he's not gonna like this.
Tucker tells him, "It's in a weird place."
"You flip it." offers Tucker.
"These arms aren't that flexible guys. I can't even reach down here."
"How about Caboose?" I offer off the top of my head.
"Man he's so stupid, I don't even know if he even knows how to operate a switch!" grumbles Church.
"Well atleast he can accurately shoot a rifle and drive a tank." I counter.
"Fuck you Lockett." I smile at the insult.
Tucker looks at me as if I'm gonna do it "Fuck no man, you need to pull your own weight more, plus I'm here to fix it incase you break it!"
"Tucker come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner." offers Church.
He sighs and then flips the switch, or he at least tried to, "It won't move! It's stuck!"
"Try wiggling it." suggest Church. Ha 'wiggling' it.
"No way! I'm not wiggling your dongle!" states Tucker.
"Tucker stop being a baby and just do it." I tell him.
The Church does something stupid, kinda funny but still stupid, "So, you from around here baby?"
Tucker shoots right back up and says, "If we're gonna do this you can't talk."
"Yeah man, don't go all homo erotic on us, that's not cool dude." I also tell him.
"Okay okay alright I'm just kidding." jokes Church.
Tucker then says "I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it."
"You obviously did not know Tex that well." laughs Church.
*snap* "There I did it!" said Tucker. Right as he said that, a beeping noise started. "Anything?"
"No, nothing." says a confused Church. "Hey guys do you hear a beeping?" he asks. We shake our heads. We then gather the team around Church on the roof of the base, I also brought my tool kit just in case.
Tucker asks, "Is it a whistling noise followed by a series of clicks?" what like predator?
"No it's a constant beep, beep, beep noise." explains Church.
"Then no, I don't hear anything."
"Do you actually hear a whistling noise followed by a series of clicks?" asks Fergo.
"No I'm just trying to be helpful." said Tucker.
"Well you're failing." grumbles Church.
Then Caboose goes, "All I hear is that voice telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us!" We just stare at him in wonder.
"What you guys don't hear that?"
"Caboose, that's fucked up." I tell him before turning back to Church.
"Aw man I can't take this anymore, you guys are gonna have to do something! This beeping is going to drive me crazy!" shouts Church.
"Caboose see what you can find." I tell him. Caboose then walks over and kneels to where the switch is.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea. "I see a switch down here. It's not very big." whispers Caboose.
"That's it," says Tucker, "Just flip it."
"Wait stop," stops Church, "Caboose, do you know how to work a switch?"
"Uhh..." responds Caboose. Yeah this was a bad idea.
"Okay, here's a full tutorial," church explains slowly. "The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so it's pointed in the other direction." I then hear a snapping noise...god damn it.
"Ah, it broke itself." says Caboose followed by Church's grumples.
"What do you guys see?" Church asks as Tucker, Caboose, and I are looking at the broken switch.
"I tell you what I don't see." I joke causing everyone but Church to laugh.
"Lockett shut up, Tucker what do you see?"
"I see two wires down here, one is green the other is red." responds Tucker.
"What about the blue wire?" asks Caboose.
I tell him, "That's you thumb Caboose."
Church the says "Guys just grab the one that goes to the switch and yank it out. Yank them both out if you have to. I don't' care if I explode, at least the beeping would stop!"
I use my flashlight to see where the wires lead, "The red one goes to the switch."
"Pull the red one then." shouts Church.
I try to inform him, "Church, pulling the wire might cause more damage."
"Just kill the red one!" he exclaims. I look over to Tucker who just shrugs. I then pull it out.
In a sigh of relief, Church says, "Oh god! Yes finally! Some freakin peace and quiet! That noise was gonna drive me nuts!" He then looks down as asks in confusion, "Wait, why can't I move my legs?" He then starts getting angry, "This is great! This is just great! Thanks Caboose, my lower half is damaged!"
"Why don't you try walking it off?" replies Caboose.
"I can't use my legs you moron!"
Before Caboose can respond, Fergo cuts in, "This hardly seems that big of a deal, you hardly used your legs before anyway!"
Tucker adds "Yeah! I've never seen a grown man ask for so many piggy back rides!"
"Hey I already told you guys, those are for science!" firmly states Church.
"Why don't you try," suggest Caboose, "Walking on your hands! Then you can use your feet for high-fives, eating sandwiches, you know the important stuff." Poor kid, his heart is in the right place, but his mind isn't all there.
"As much as I'd love to see that, Caboose, I think it's best if you don't give anymore suggestions." I tell him. He nods his head but still looked a little down.
"What do we do now?" asks Tucker.
Church responds with. "Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you if anything changes."
I reattach on wire, "Anything?"
"No."
"Hey Church I was just think..." Caboose is asking for Church to be meen isn't he, "you know when you eat ice cream too fast it hurts your brain?"
Church simply says, "Caboose shut up." While Tucker and I are working on Church, we don't notice the Reds coming over to our base. Hell, even Fergo joined in on trying to help.
Caboose notices them though, "Hey Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are..."
"Damn it Caboose!" interrupts Church, "In the short time I've known you, you have managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope if it's not too much for me to ask, JUST FOR ONCE! JUST SHUT YOUR FREAKIN MOUTH!" The three of us are too busy but we snap out of it when we hear…
"Hey blues we're hear to...what the hell are you doing?" instantly all three of us jump up.
Fergo is the first one to speak, "Shit the reds are here."
"Crap, Caboose why didn't you say anything?" responds Church. I just look at him, 'Really?' I thought, 'You're a fucking hypocrite Church.'
"One of you guys turn me around, I can't turn my legs." whispers Church. Right when we were about to do so, the orange guy speaks up.
"What were you guys doing down there?"
All three of us say at the same times "Nothing."
"What are you talking about?" asks Tucker.
"We weren't doing anything." says Fergo.
"We were never down anyway." I state.
"We were just playing a game!" calls Caboose.
Church then tells him "Caboose we'll handle this."
"What do you want reds? Get outa here or we'll start shooting at yah!" shouts Church.
"Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?" the orange one calls back. Poor Church, he can't even turn around.
Church grumbles and says "No."
"Yeah I didn't think so punk."
Then the maroon guy goes, "Wow wow, calm down guys ,we didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner." No, we are not taking him back.
"Please say no guys. Please." I beg them.
Tucker then says to them "Give him back? You can't give him back! You took him, A deal is a deal!"
"Yeah well forget it, we don't want him!" the orange argues back.
"Well sorry, you can't have another prisoner, that was our last one!" shouts Church?
"Also our only one." I mutter,
"Dude what is your problem?"
"Didn't your mama teach that it's impolite not to looks at someone while you're talking to them?"
"He uh...has a condition!" shouted Fergo.
"He's shy!" adds Caboose
"Shut up Caboose!" Church hisses.
"Look, we don't want him back and we don't care what you do with him!" shouts Church
"Mainly because he was a crappy medic!" I add.
"If you don't mind we would appreciate it if you leave us alone! We're in the middle of something kind of private over here." finishes Church.
"Fine, but don't come asking for him back later!" finishes the Marron the one. They then sonn walking away.
Tucker calls after them "Don't worry we won't!"
The orange turns around and says "Last chance!"
"Beat it reds!" Church angrily shouts.
"Alright I'm going!"
"What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!" asks Church as Tucker watches through his rifle.
"They appear to be leaving Doc behind!" observes Tucker.
"I think he's going to attack!" responds Caboose in his angry voice.
"He isn't going to attack, he's a pacifist Caboose." Fergo tells him.
"I say we just tie him up and roll him through the teleporter." offers Tucker.
I put my hand up and say "I'd be down for that."
"Why would the Reds leave i'm out there by himself?" ponders Church.
"Maybe they realized that he is useless." I joke.
"That can't be it, this has to be some kind of trick!"
Caboose says with fear in his voice "I bet they used some kind of brainwashing technique on him! They are probably planning on having him do all their dirty plans and also their schemes!"
Fergo turns to him is disbelief and says "Caboose, I don't even think the Reds are capable of pulling that off."
Tucker turns back and says "Yeah that's ridiculous Caboose!"
"Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, that it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of!" challenges Caboose.
Tucker nonchalantly replies, "No, it's just ridiculous." He then turns back to looks at Doc.
"Just keep your eye on him Tucker." I tell him.
"Yeah, we'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base." adds Church.
"Hey guys! Do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while!" As much as I hate to leave him out there on his own, he is ways too useless for me to want him in our base.
"I knew it!" cries Caboose, "We're all gonna die!" He then turns to Tucker and says "Starting wit you!"
"Sorry but we're kinda busy here!" I tell him, "So go away or something!"
"Normally I wouldn't impose! It's just I don't know the neighborhood too well..."
Church soon gets fed up and shouts "Listen Doc, you're not fooling anyone with that innocent victim routine!"
Doc as I can tell is starting to get desperate, "Hey I can help! I know more than just medicine," 'No you don't, you don't know any medicine at all I!' subconsciously yell at him. "I'm trained in psychology too! Maybe I can help you with your problem facing people!" Probably shouldn't have said that.
Church finally looses it, "JUST GET OUT OF HERE! Oh and tell your little buddy the Red's that their plan failed!" The last we see of dock is him running away from our base.
After he left, Church turns to us and asks, "What are we gonna do guys, I need to get my legs working!"
"I don't know" I reply,"but we can't just keep pulling wires!"
"Maybe you should call a professional, maybe get Shiela talking again." suggest Tucker.
"Yeah but the only people who know how to do that are Tex and Senior El Robot!" counters Church.
"Tex can be hard to work with." Caboose adds.
"Specially since she is dead." I add as well.
"Quite frankly you three," Church looks and Tucker, Fergo, and I, "I find your attitudes offensive."
"What about that Lopez person? Is he available?" asks Caboose.
Fergo then tells Caboose, "Sweetie Church is in his body, remember?"
"Well," ponders Caboose, "why don't you just leave you body, then all of us will make him fix you and my girfriend?"
"Apparently Caboose is into cars." I spill out by accident. Everyone just stares a Caboose like WTF.
"I-I mean...we will make him fix you..a-and the uh...beautiful tank lady who means nothing to me and uh..we can get you back into your body when he is done." stutters Caboose. Caboose romantically involved with a tank, weirdest couple I've ever heard.
"That actually seems like a good idea." I tell them.
"I know." said Church.
"But Caboose said it." Tucker says worriedly.
"I know." Church repeats. Tucker then punches Church in the face. Fergo cheers while I clap.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" angrily cries Church.
"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming! So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't" Tucker cries back.
"I'm pretty sure that's not how it works Tucker." I tell him.
"How does it work then?" he turns to me.
I tell "You are suppose to get someone to pinch you."
The thought made him look disgusted "Dude there is no way I'm asking on of your to pinch me!"
"Tucker I swear if you dented my forehead, I'm gonna be pissed!" growls Church. "Alright, I'm just going to jump out of Lopez's body really quick you 4 make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"
"Got it Church." As Church leaves we all turn to Caboose to congratulate him on coming up with a decent idea.
"Not a bad idea kid." I go.
"He's right, I really have to hand it to you." congratulates Tucker.
"I knew you were smart sweetie, you even came up with a great idea." Fergo cries happily.
"Aw thanks guys it was nothing." I swear I could see Caboose blushing through his helmet.
"No kid," I tell him, "You really contributed and thats what its all about."
"YEAH! Back in the spirit world alright!" We turn to the voice and we see Church in ghost form. "Man I forgot how good this feels, kinda loosey goosy." He then looks around and says, "Hey what did you guy do with my body?"
"Why do you care about your body?" asks Tucker, "You can't even move you…" he along with us turn around and we see Lopez running for Red base, "...body."
"Hey Church your legs work!" I tell him.
"This one is mine." growls Caboose and he starts firing at Lopez.
"Hey Caboose cut it out man!" cries Church.
"Did you just take my rifle?" Tucker stares in disbelief.
"You're gonna damage my body!" Caboose stops firing and Tucker takes his rifle back.
I turn to Tucker and say "Tucker, you Caboose nd Fargo follow me through the teleporter and we'll cut him off. Church you go and meet us out there." Church nods and starts to leave.
As soon as Church leaves turn to them and say, "We're not actually going though. Tucker throw a grenade through the teleporter and we'll run after him."
"Oh I like the plane!" Tucker then proceeds to chuck a hand grenade into the teleporter and then he and the guys start running after me.
"Hey look, Lopez is running back to us! I think your plan worked Tucker!" shouts Fergo, We managed to stop Lopez at gunpoint.
"Hold it right there hombre! " He then turns to me and says "I can't believe the grenade worked! Church is going to be so impressed!" I simply nod.
Then our attention is drawn to Caboose, "And Sheila will love me again, and this time, for who I am and not just for my stunning good looks, but those too." he beams.
"Whoo! Go Caboose you lady killer you!" whoops Fergo. Tucker and I just ignore him.
The droid then says "Al diablo con estos mamones azules. Son tan estúpidos como parecen." (Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.)
"Your soul is a cavern of lies!" Caboose growls back.
Tucker and I both ask "What?"
"Caboose what are you and Lopez talking about?" asks Fergo.
López then responds "Has ganado esta vez, pero su reinado cruel de tiranía será de breve duración. Los rojos van a ser vengados" (You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged.)
"Yeah yeah we don't care" Tucker rolls his helmet, "We just need to fix our tanks training program."
I guess Lopez fires with "Nunca voy a trabajar para el enemigo. Que un mal esté sobre su alma y su casa." (Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.) He then continues, "Por mucho tiempo mi raza ha sufrido, pero muy pronto, veremos el porvenir de un nuevo día. El amanecer de nuestro tiempo está cerca, y cuando la oscuridad acontezca su gente, los trabajadores del campo sabrán que éste es su momento." (Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.)
"Hey Lockett what's he saying?" asks Fergo.
"I don't know, it's been forever since I took spanish in high school."
"Man, I thought Church talks, think he'll shut up if I quit him in the switch?" Tucker ask me.
I tell him "It's worth a shot."
"Guys," Caboose says nervously, "I think we should be in the going of the running now." We look forward and we see the Reds in their jeep aiming their turret at us.
"Good observation Caboose." I then see the jeep rushing at us in full throttle. "We are just casually backing away." I tell Lopez.
"Yeah no cause for concern." adds Tucker.
"Running time!" and Caboose just run tails and runs.
"Damn it Caboose! I said casual!" I shout after him while we all run from the jeep.
Lopez apparently still talking calls after us, "Sí, sí, corran, perros cobardes. Que sea sabido que el gran López ha ganado en éste día, y... " (Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...) We then hear a huge explosion and when we turn around we see the jeep has been overturned and the two operators are on the floor. Lopez with regret heavy in his voice, or at least for a robot says "Perdoname, padre.." (I'm sorry, father.)
"Nice! Not bad robot dude!" congratulates Tucker.
"I knew he would save us!" CAboose happily cheers. "I knew it! Robot people always like me! It's because of my awesome dancing!" I guess he has a point since Shiela seemed to like him. Wait his dancing?
Lopez then sadly says "Mi espíritu está quebrado. Mi gente me ha abandonado y ahora todo está perdido. Haga conmigo lo que queráis…" (My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me what you will...)
"Yeah whatever man." said Tucker. "We just need you to make our tank talk again."
"Dancing time!" cheers Caboose. Second thought I don't want to see this, me and Tucker start heading back. Fergo instead stays.
"You guys go ahead, I'm gonna see if his dancing is any good. Alo to make sure he doesn't break the robot" I just give her a thumbs up. I wonder if Lopez would like Shiela, if he does...Poor Caboose is gonna have some competition.
Author's note: Thank you for reading I hope you have enjoyed. This took a while to write since it's my longest chapter, I didn't get time to really proof read so I'm sorry if there are any mistake.
