I bet you wouldn't...
A.n- Thanks for all the fab reviews so far! Huggles! This is a cross between an idea Grabeels_Girl and JSkaterfan had so thank you to them both for this and all the other ideas they've put across. If I don't use an idea, it's not because I don't like it, it's because I can't find any inspiration to make it into a good chapter :S I'm trying to regularly update this now.
I bet you wouldn't....Involving some very saucy dares on Sawyer's parts, an undiscovered talent on Charlie's part, Hurley and Jin becoming very mischievous and the re-appearance of our favourite strange duo...Locke and Desmond! Oh and we get the final list of...which characters are gonna end up together! Que dramatic music! Dum dum dum...
Que the LOST title!
It was quiet. Too quiet. If this had been a Western, Sawyer would have wagered his entire stash that tumbleweed would be blowing past right about now. He frowned, licked his finger and felt it against the wind out of habit. He glanced around but everyone's tents were deserted. Not a soul in sight. Then he heard their laughter. Frowning, Sawyer started walking towards the source of the din and he gaped in astonishment at what he saw. Row upon row of dead bodies, Charlie's and Kate's lying next to each other. Who was laughing if they were all dead? Sawyer glanced around, terrified, and saw the Others staring at him, laughing their head off. One of them picked up Kate's body and started using her as a puppet, her eyes looking blankly at him, unseeing, unfeeling...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sawyer thrashed around like a lunatic as he started waking up from this devilish nightmare. He started panting and, feeling slightly scared he sat up. He checked outside his tent and saw to his relief that everyone was still alive and well. Jack was arguing with Locke, Desmond was staring longingly around, trying to find Charlie, Claire was cooing over her baby...the normal daily routine was still going on then. The world was still going about it's daily business whilst he was having a nightmare. He felt both disturbed and relieved by this fact. Sawyer made his way back into his tent to change into a different top, seeing as how he'd drowned his favourite light grey, baggy t-shirt in sweat. He should really be reported for shirt abuse. Just the other day he'd ripped his other favourite shirt by going out for a walk and then, cleverly, tripping over a root and landing in a bush. It was something Charlie would do but not Sawyer.
Speaking of Charlie...where was the little munchkin? Sawyer narrowed his eyes. He was too quiet. There was no unusual plotting or scheming that he was aware of...why?
"Watcha doin'?" Charlie's familiar voice called behind him. Three things happened simultaneously as soon as he spoke. Sawyer whipped round, tripped up and then fell to the ground. Cursing like he'd never cursed before, he got up and scowled at Charlie.
"Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear!" He spat at him. "What d'ya want? I ain't got no time for games today!"
"Is there a schedule you ain't showin' me boy?" Charlie mocked his gruff voice and Sawyer scowled again. He really wasn't in the best of moods today, least of all to deal with annoying, little miniature Gollums who forever wanted something to do.
"No. But I got stuff to do!" Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Believe it or not Charlie, I ain't your boyfriend." His tone became very teasing after that remark. "As much as it pains me to break your heart...I don't like guys like that."
"Har de har har." Charlie replied sarcastically. "God, you're so funny Sawyer!" Both of them stared at each other, unsmiling, wondering what to say next.
"I bet you wouldn't tell Kate how you really feel about her." Charlie said slyly, a grin entering his face. Sawyer stared at him gobsmacked, for once not knowing what to say. Then a grin entered his face too.
"I bet you wouldn't tell mamacita over there, how you feel about her." He shot back, gesturing to Claire, who looked oblivious to everything that was going on around her.
Charlie, comically, started spluttering. "What? What drugs are you on mate?" He managed to choke out. "Me....and Claire? What gives you...?"
"Oh COME ON!" Sawyer hissed impatiently. "You HAVE to realise you two are made for each other. As nauseatingly revolting as it is." He added as an afterthought. Charlie snorted.
"How touchingly sentimental Sawyer," he sneered, "That you are keeping up to date with my love life!"
"Look do you want me to bring back Angry Lost Fan to give you the run down on the ships around here?" Sawyer warned. "'Cause I'll do it Bugs Bunny!" He held a list of random names. "See? Angry Lost Fan gave me a list."
Charlie looked intrigued, against his will.
"Does it contain the list of couples who are gonna end up together?" He asked eagerly. Sawyer smirked.
"Thought you weren't interested?" He waved the list around casually. Charlie snatched it and then read it, his eyes widening as his eyes scanned down the list.
"No way!" He exclaimed. "Sayid and....? Kate and....? Oh man this gets confusing!" He chuckled in soft delight at the last two names on the list...Charlie&Claire. Sawyer slapped his thigh loudly and, startled, Charlie looked up. Sawyer wore a huge grin on his face and his eyes gleamed mischievously.
"I knew it!" He crowed triumphantly. "You love her!" Charlie turned scarlet but didn't deny it, which of course made Sawyer hoot even harder with laughter. He mumbled incoherently but couldn't find a clever response to shoot back.
"You have to tell her!" Sawyer urged, still grinning. "If you do, I'll tell Kate what...I feel about her." He grimaced as those words left his mouth, as if he couldn't believe Charlie had forced those words out of him. Charlie considered this for a moment and appraised Sawyer doubtfully, not really believing he would. "Deal?" He stared as Sawyer outstretched his hand and then took it.
"Deal." He agreed. "But I'm watching." He added. Sawyer grimaced again but didn't object.
Now over to our favourite comical, for lack of a better word, duo.
"Um... I hate to break it to you box man but those bugs aren't gonna move brotha."
"Stop calling me that! Else I'll find another hatch for you to blow up but this time...you'll be strapped to the damn computer responsible for blowing it up!" Locke threatened.
"Aw don't be like that Box Man." Desmond grinned. "Box man is better than John. Look I even did a survey with all the LOST fanatics and 99.99 percent of them agreed with me!" He showed him the piece of paper and for a moment Locke seemed like he was going to cry. Then, his face visibly brightened.
"At least I have one loyal fan!" He declared. "I shall make it my life's mission to find...MY ONE TRUE FAN!"
Que dramatic music. Dum dum dum...
"I think that's an impossible task box man..." Desmond began but was interrupted by a fist to his face.
"Um...Claire?" Charlie's voice, nervous and croaky, woke up Claire from her little daydream. She smiled at him as he came to sit next to him. She noticed Sawyer smirking at her from his tent. Sometimes that guy creeps me out a little, she thought but she still smiled nonetheless.
"I need to say something." He began but then Sun interrupted.
"Hey Claire are you alright?" She smiled. Charlie had his head in his hands. Claire, unaware of Charlie's silent agony, smiled and the two of them started chatting for what seemed like forever. When Sun had left, Charlie made to start talking again.
"Hey have any of you guys seen my one true fan?" Locke rushed by, hesitating at the foot of Claire's tent. She smiled but shook her head as did Charlie but he looked exasperated.
"You were saying Charlie?" Claire turned back to him, as Locke dashed off again. Charlie tried to begin again.
"Hey Mamacita, how's it going?" Sawyer had seen what was going on and had come over to have a little fun of his own.
"ALRIGHT! GET OUT NOOOOOOW!" Charlie bellowed before charging at Sawyer and pushing him into his tent. He then rushed back to Claire, before anyone else could intervene.
"Listen Claire I need to tell you something." He said quickly. She smiled at him in that dazzling way of hers and for a moment he was breathless.
"IloveyouandIwantedyoutoknowthatpleasedon'tlaughatme." He said in one breath.
"What?" Claire asked looking confused.
"I love you." He blurted out. "Don't laugh at me." He cringed and looked to the ground as if hoping it would swallow him up. To his surprise, she didn't laugh at him. There were no shocked gasps, no nervous titters, nothing. He glanced up and to his amazement, she was smiling at him. She seemed to be forever smiling these days.
"That's so sweet Charlie. I...I love you too." She murmured, looking as happy as he'd ever seen her. Ignoring the gagging sounds from behind him, Charlie leaned in and met her lips. They tasted sweet and beautiful and he felt like he was in heaven. When they had let go they smiled at each other and the gagging sounds became louder.
Half an hour later...
"Admit it, buster! You have me to thank for that touching, although slightly nauseating, scene between you and the missus." Sawyer declared, jabbing Charlie in the chest with his finger. Charlie rolled his eyes.
"You've not kept your side of the bargain yet mister!" He challenged. "Now it's YOUR turn."
Sawyer had to think fast. "Ok I'll make you a deal." He said. "Give me another challenge ANY other challenge and I'll do it in compensation." Charlie stared at him incredulously for a moment before a sly and evil grin emerged on his face.
"Let's make this interesting." He mused. "We'll get Hurley...and ummm Jin to write down the tasks and put it in a hat. Claire's sun hat oughta do. Then we pull it out at random to see what challenge we get." Sawyer listened to him and then nodded. Then he frowned. "Why Hurley and Jin?" He asked suspiciously.
"Because they are the most neutral out of the camp." Charlie pointed out. "Jack's pissed at both of us, you'll end up flirting with Kate, Sun's still mad at you, Locke and Des are too busy playing mind games with each other...you get the picture." Sawyer nodded carefully. He shook Charlie's hand.
"You're on!"
"WHEREEEEE IS HEEEEEE? Or she?" Locke screeched. "Why aren't I loved?" He sobbed into his hands.
"Believe me box man when I say, it's more than likely this fan isn't even on this island." Desmond replied, absent-mindedly filing his nails. Locke glared at him but didn't reply. He was devastated that he had an unknown fan somewhere and he might never find him (Or her).
"You can't find him Box man. Just face it." Desmond continued. It was like he had released the bull from the pen.
"Don't. Ever. Tell. Me. What. I. Can't. Do." Locke breathed, his eyes turning into slits.
"Yeah, yeah." Desmond didn't look scared. Au contraire, he looked extremely bored. He yawned and then lay back to watch Locke who was proving to be more entertaining than an hour of Exposé.
"The Island will give us a sign." Locke decided after an hour of pacing frantically up and down. Desmond rolled his eyes. Life was anything but dull when Locke was around.
"You say like that like it's a good thing," he muttered mutiniously,earning him a sharp whack around the side of his head. He really needed to find someone better to hang around with...
"What we have to do?" Jin looked confused. Hurley grinned at him.
"Dude, we have been entrusted with a sacred task." He explained. "We, as neutral members of the camp, have been given permission to come up with tasks for Charlie and Sawyer to fulfill. Let's be evil!"
"E-vil?" Jin looked even more confused. Hurley sighed and then asked Sun to come over and translate. Once he understood though, he cackled as evilly as he could and then the both of them laughed together, rubbing their hands together. They never got to anything viciously bad and now it was their villainous moment in the sun, so to speak. Sun rolled her eyes and realised a bit too late, that she had unleashed a pair of monsters onto the world. She decided, sensibly, to stay away and maybe go find Claire or something.
A couple of long, torturous hours later, Hurley and Jin wandered over to Sawyer and Charlie who were huddling over a piece of paper. Hurley attempted to peek but they were too quick for him.
"Dudes, it's ready!" He beamed, trying to disguise the glint of evil in his eyes.
"Ta-da!!" Jin added for dramatic effect. Charlie sniggered but Sawyer, for once, wasn't mocking any of them. He was suspicious. He suspected that Hurley in particular would want some sort of payback for all the various fat nicknames he'd received off of him, over their time on the island. He daydreamed over some of his best nicknames he'd given various people; Babar, Deepdish, Dr Giggles, Oliver Twist, Hot lips, Freckles...the list went on. He was surprised that no one had tried to assassinate him yet. Or at the very least, steal his stash.
"Ok, Mr Ford. Take it away." Charlie bowed mockingly to him and he glared back in response. He glanced at Jin and Hurley who seemed to be gleefully grinning at him. He closed his eyes, reached into the hat, and pulled out a small scrap piece of paper (shamelessly stolen from the back of Claire's diary). He daren't look at it but what was the worst that Crouching Tiger and Shrek over there could throw at him? He unfolded the piece of paper and gasped in horror.
Kiss 3 guys. Your choice but it has to be guys. No quick peck on the cheek either. Full on the lips.
Charlie read it over his shoulder and collapsed on the ground, in hysterics.
"You. Cannot. Be. Serious!" Sawyer spluttered, glaring at a laughing Jin and Hurley giving meaning to the expression, if looks could kill. He was incredulous, speechless, horrified. He tried to reason with himself that at least it was his choice and it didn't specify about the use of tongues. It didn't make the choice any easier though.
"Now?" He asked Hurley who nodded in grim satisfaction. "It can't be us two though." He added quickly with a panicky edge to his voice, as if afraid of being Sawyer's victims. "We're neutral, impartial, unbiased, irrelevant to the competi..."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You weren't my first choice anyway, Lardo." Sawyer cut across him. He scanned the area. Luck was on his side as there weren't too many people around. He made his mind up to kiss the first three guys that came into sight, which effectively and thankfully ruled out Charlie too. He just hoped it wasn't... No sooner was the thought in his mind then the very person he didn't want to kiss came into sight. Jack. Sawyer groaned bitterly but he made a promise to himself. He just had to get it over and done with. He strode across to Jack.
"Hey Sawyer." Jack greeted him warily. "Why are you looking like...hey!" Sawyer had grabbed Jack's face roughly and kissed him full on the lips. Then let it go again very quickly. Both of them looked at each other as if, for one moment, they had enjoyed that. Then nausea overtook them and both turned round and fled from each other. Charlie was in stitches. He'd not laughed so hard in ages. Hurley and Jin were crying and hugging each other, each feeling more than gleeful that their revenge was almost complete. They couldn't wait for Charlie's task, whatever it may be.
"So, you kissed Sayid, Jack and Eko?" Charlie snorted. "How did Eko take it?" Sawyer, for the first time in his life (and hopefully the last) blushed.
"I don't wanna talk about it!" He growled. "Your turn freckles."
"I thought that was reserved for Kate." Charlie said absent-mindedly as he picked a piece of paper out from Claire's hat. He read it and then frowned. He had to admit it was better than Sawyer's but still...a strange task.
Convince Sayid he needs a haircut. Then give him a really girly style and convince him it's the new fashion for men.
"THAT'S ALL HE BLOODY GOT!" Sawyer was outraged. "I had to KISS three bloody men! And he got...he got..."
"Did I hear you correctly Sawyer or are my ears playing tricks on me?" Kate butted in, looking like all her Christmases and birthdays had come at once. He looked down and muttered, "Depends on what you heard." Kate still looked smug, as if his confession confirmed something.
"Didn't you dress up like a woman only three days ago?" She reminded him gleefully. "Guys, I think Sawyer's trying to say something. I think...he's coming out of the closet." Everyone started laughing hysterically and Sawyer growled under his breath.
"Ain't you got an adventure to get to?" He snarled at Kate. "I think Timmy fell down a well over that way." Kate rolled her eyes but, nevertheless left. Relieved, Sawyer turned back to face the others and grinned at Charlie. "You're turn, Pooh Bear."
"Cute nickname, Sawyer, really cute." Charlie replied scornfully. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a pair of scissors from his bag and then started strolling towards the faint silhouette of Sayid, who was sitting alone by the shore. Sayid seemed to look shell-shocked and Charlie didn't blame him. If he'd been kissed by Sawyer it would've caused endless nightmares for years.
"Hey Sayid. Where's Tim?" He started the conversation cheerfully. Nothing like a good burst of friendliness as a starting point in ruining someone's day. And their hairdo.
"With Bernard." Sayid replied absent-mindedly.
"Would you like a haircut Sayid?" Charlie decided to get straight to the point. He held the scissors in his hand and grinned, trying not to look menacing. Sayid shook his head.
"Oh come on Sayid. There's a really 'in' hairdo at the moment." Charlie wheedled. "You'd look reeeeally good! Women would go crazy over it." He added, letting the bait dangle. Sayid considered this carefully.
"Even...Kate?" He asked hesitantly, watching Charlie's incredulous expression appear on his face.
"You like Kate?" He blurted out in surprise. Sayid nodded.
"Who else have I got? The monkeys? The polar bear?" He asked sarcastically. "Shannon's gone. The woman I professed to love, before getting on this plane is somewhere far away. I have to move on." Suddenly he burst into action, demanding the haircut before he changed his mind. Charlie grinned, knowing Sawyer was watching. He zipped into action, bringing a chair from the fuselage to Sayid in under 30 seconds.
"Please sit, Monsieur." He commanded in a very bad impersonation of a French accent.
"Since when are you French?" Sayid muttered.
"Since now! And shut up before I snip ze lips off of you!" Charlie retorted, racing to his tent to fetch a sheet in which to wrap around his client. Tentatively, he examined Sayid's hair and then tutted. The scissors started to snip and he started humming to himself.
"Where have I heard that song before?" Sayid asked, more to himself than to Charlie. Charlie looked at him surprised. The song he was humming was one he'd made up just before he'd left for Sydney, in order to persuade Liam to re-join Driveshaft. It was called Angels&Demons and it was a passionate song about making the right choices in order to get into heaven. Charlie had been quite proud of that song and he could still remember the lyrics. He had to write it down as soon as he had a bit free time to himself.
"Are you done yet?" Sayid grumbled. "I have to go mope some more."
"What happened to your sudden optimism?" Charlie muttered. Sayid just cursed under his breath.
"TA.....DAAAA!" Charlie had finally finished. Sayid glanced into the offered mirror and almost collapsed in horror. He was wearing pigtails! PIGTAILS! He looked like a 5 year old girl! Charlie grinned at him and he began to lunge at him.
"Look Sayid. I told you it was the in fashion right now. You look very...erm handsome!" Charlie hesitated at the last sentence but Sayid didn't notice. He gazed into the mirror and suddenly smiled.
"I do look sexy don't I?" He said coyly, stroking his new hair fondly. Charlie agreed fervently, not wishing to anger the wrath of Sayid. Sawyer, watching afar, was in hysterics, joined by Hurley and Jin.
"Enjoy your new look!" Charlie bolted before he ended up being polar bear food. He appraised Sayid's hairstyle from behind and realised he hadn't done a bad job. In fact...it looked almost professional, if he said so himself. One more talent to add to his collection, he thought to himself wryly. Even Sawyer was looking mildly impressed as he sauntered towards Charlie.
"Gotta say Charlie," he admitted. "You didn't do a bad job!"
"Thanks Sawyer. Now your turn again!" Charlie grinned. Sawyer grimaced and turned to Hurley who had strode towards him as soon as he realised the competition was back on. Sawyer reached in and pulled out a piece of paper, dreading what diabolical scheme was on there.
Give your favourite [male] castaway a lap dance! You know you want to...
"If I said I was sorry about every nickname I've ever called you, would you stop me doing this ridiculous challenge?" Sawyer almost pleaded. This was literally agony.
"How do you know that challenge wasn't designed for Charlie?" Hurley demanded, a little too innocently. "You think we have some kind of vendetta against you?"
"Feels like it." Sawyer muttered mutinously.
"Who ya gonna pick this time Sawyer?" Charlie chipped in. "You can't pick Jack, Sayid or Eko. They'll already be filing out a restraining order." He grinned at his own joke but Sawyer looked far from amused. He looked panicked trying to figure out what guys were left. Charlie, Hurley, Jin, Bernard, Desmond, Locke...ugh! He shuddered. Not exactly what you'd call the best of the bunch. Might as well get it over and done with it!
"YOU CAN LAP DANCE ON MEEEEEEE!!" An all-too familiar voice entered the clearing. It was Ben.
"How the hell did you survive?" Sawyer demanded looking shell-shocked. Ben grinned and winked.
"Let's just say destiny's a fickle bitch." Was all he said.
"You'd really be prepared to face utter humiliation and possibly death depending on Jack's mood, to help me?" Sawyer seemed doubtful. Somehow he suspected Ben was manipulating him, in revenge for the whole 'chocolate bunny' incident. But who was he to question help, when it was offered?
"Deal." He grimaced as he shook Ben's cold and clammy hand. Deep down he was sure he would regret this but...meh what the heck? "But just so you know..." He forewarned Ben. "You're not my favourite guy, ok?"
"I'm not?" Ben sniffled. Then he seemed to straighten up in an attempt to look manlier. "Fine. Just remember though. Destiny's a fickle bitch." He warned. Sawyer rolled his eyes.
"What are you doing box man?"
"SHUSH! I need SILENCE!" Locke cried, being so contradictive of himself it was unbelievable. "I am TRYING to decide what to put on this poster. All I have so far is LOST."
"Oh the irony," Desmond muttered under his breath. "How about LOST BOX MAN SEEKS NEW HOME. IS DESPERATE AND PATHETIC. BELIEVES INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE REAL!"
"GAH! I actually wrote that! You CREEP!" Locke wailed, scrunching up the paper and lobbing it at Desmond, who was in hysterics. "I cannot believe you've not been assassinated yet!"
"That's 'cause I'm scottish and the girls love me." Des grinned. "And I don't repeat myself a lot like you do."
"You don't repeat yourself?" Locke snarled. "You don't repeat yourself? What about 'brotha'? Or 'you're gonna die Charleeeeeee?"
"I've not said that ONCE and SHUSH you're spoiling season 3!" It was Des's turn to wail. Locke rolled his eyes.
"Oh come on! The rest of us are waiting for season 5 to come! " He said spitefully. Des scowled but didn't say anything more. He really wanted a new best friend, one that preferably didn't hurl abuse at him or make fun of him. He sighed. It was a hard life being stuck with a box man who was obsessed with being liked...
Sawyer's arms were looped around Ben's neck as the crowd watched, each individual silently dying with laughter. He was positioned on Ben's lap and he started to sing an awful version of Mariah Carey's 'All I want for Christmas'. As he sung, he leaned back, still on Ben's lap until his head touched the sand. He then started singing, 'My Heart Will Go On' which then became, 'Mamma Mia!' It was like an extremely badly put together mix tape; complete with bad singing. His eyes fluttered at Ben who grinned.
"This is perfect," Charlie muttered to Hurley, who looked baffled. He then proceeded to show his friend the 'list'. There was CharlieXClaire obviously, BernardXRose and the other obvious pairings like SunXJin but then there was odd pairings such as SayidXNikki, KateXSmokey, JackXLocke (the most surprising of them all since they hated each other) and, conveniently enough, SawyerXBen.
"Dude! No friggin' way!" Hurley exclaimed before bursting into laughter. "Is that like...for real?"
"It's marked confidential and is in the LOST writer's writing!" Charlie exclaimed. "How real can you get?" Hurley suddenly looked frightened.
"Dude. You know what happens when you disobey the writer's confidentiality?" He whispered. In response to Charlie's blank look, he hissed, "You. Get. Killed. Off." Que dramatic music. Dum dum dum. Angry Lost Fan re-emerged just to hand Charlie his new script. Within the script there was a lot of mumbo jumbo about Jack and Kate captured by Others...ya di da da...Sawyer and Kate have sex unsurprisingly blah blah blah...Wait a minute. Charlie's eyes narrowed as he caught glimpses of conversation between him and Desmond, something about flashes and then the next few words made his heart stop.
Charlie succumbs to his fate with a sense of revelation and slight fear. Water is gushing in by the ton all around him. He writes NOT PENNY'S BOAT on his hand with the black marker and shows it to Des, who looks on in a quiet desperation and engulfing sadness. Then our favourite rock star makes the sign of the cross before his small figure becomes still in the water.
So he drowns then. After 3 sodding years on the show, Charlie thought angrily, just because of some little spillage of LOST's precious secrets, the writers decided to kill him off. BAH! He'd have to get them to change their minds somehow...but how? As he looked at Sawyer dancing the night away on Ben's lap, he knew he had to convince Sawyer to work together with him.
A small figure in the distant makes his way across the screen of your computer. As he comes closer, you see it's Locke, looking bewildered, holding his lost fan poster. As you stare at him in wonder, he comes so close you can see his scars and he speaks or rather wails, "Are you my one, true fan?" And so his quest continues...
A.n- Did you like that? I had great fun writing this piece :D I'm considering making a part two where by Sawyer and Charlie try to convince the LOST writers to not kill Charlie off but it's really up to you guys. After all you're the ones who have to read it!
Oh and for you LOST newbies....that list of characters being together isn't real. I had great fun making it up though. I reckon if any of them came true I'd die laughing. Other than the charlie/claire one I mean.
