Ok so this is a super short chapter, but I want to move things along so I'm sorry if it seems a bit rushed! The next few chapters are probably going to come out pretty quickly since I've already written them and just need to do some editing :D Again, thank you everyone for reading and reviewing! No idea how what it means to me that people are actually reading this and enjoying it!
Chapter Seven
On February eighteenth, Merlin got a phone call at three am from Mrs. O'Conner saying that Hunith had passed away in her sleep. Merlin sat on the couch, completely frozen in shock until Will came out, having also been called by Mrs. O'Conner.
"Merlin," he whispered and Merlin looked up at his old friend, the hole in his heart swallowing everything. Will held him as he cried, saying nothing because there was nothing that could possibly be said. After a couple hours, Merlin had cried himself to sleep and Will stayed with him, calling his work to let them know he wouldn't be coming. He debated calling Arthur to tell him but he couldn't bring himself to speak to him so instead, he found Lance's number in Merlin's phone and called him. He explained what had happened and said that Merlin wouldn't be coming in that day and he would probably need a few days off. Lance promise to take care of it.
When Merlin woke up, he was angry with Will for not waking him up for work but Will wasn't bothered, he knew he just needed something else to feel besides grief. Will was surprised though when Merlin went into work the next day. He couldn't believe that Merlin wasn't rushing back to Ealdor to take care of things and Merlin sensed his disapproval but he didn't have the energy to care. He tried to explain it to Will but he wasn't able to find the right words. He felt himself withering inside, like a mimosa plant curling in on itself. The distance between him and Will had become too great and he no longer knew how to talk to him so instead, he retreated within himself like he always did. He couldn't just disappear from work, so instead he planned on going in on the Thursday and he would take Friday and the weekend off to go back to Ealdor for the funeral. Mrs. O'Conner was taking care of some of the preparations and Merlin was incredibly grateful.
"Merlin, what are you doing here?" Lance said when he stepped on the elevator to find Merlin inside.
"I needed to come in today, get things together for tomorrow before I go." Merlin explained, "Lance—please don't tell Arthur what's happened," he said suddenly. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want Arthur to know. He tried to tell himself it was because he didn't think Arthur would care at all but the truth was that he felt like if he had to actually tell Arthur that his mother had died that it would become too real and he would never be able to put himself back together again.
"Um, ok," Lance said, frowning, "Merlin you should tell him, he'll understand."
"No, it's ok. I don't want him to know." He shook his head firmly and folded his arms around himself. When the elevator stopped, Merlin quickly darted out and went to his desk where he dumped his coat and bag. He quickly went and made coffee and walked into Arthur's office.
"Good morning," Merlin said, somehow managing to smile for Arthur.
"Well it's about time you got here, where the hell were you yesterday?" Arthur snapped and snatched the coffee from Merlin, grimacing at it as he sipped it.
"I took a personal day and I'm taking another one tomorrow." Merlin said easily and Arthur looked up at him, looking him up and down as if trying to figure out what was wrong with him.
"Why?" He finally asked.
"It's personal," he responded and Arthur snorted.
"Honestly I'm surprised you have any kind of a personal life Merlin," Arthur teased and Merlin bit back his tongue. He would not get angry with Arthur for being himself; it wasn't his fault that Merlin was being weird with not telling him. Instead, he got straight to work and the day went by in a blur.
Friday morning, Will and Merlin returned once again to Ealdor, walking into Merlin's childhood home and Merlin felt sick to his stomach. It was wrong, so wrong, he thought as he stood in the hallway. It was too quiet, too still and empty. The sudden hollowness of the house made Merlin feel like he couldn't breathe and he gasped for air.
"I can't stay here," he gasped and pushed past Will and ran outside, gulping down the cold air. Will came up beside him and put his arm around his shoulder.
"Ok," was all he had to say. They stayed at a hotel, Merlin didn't want to stay with Will's sister, he feared he would always end up associating her with his mother's death and he didn't want that. So instead, he picked a place that held no emotional strings and a place he would be able to not care about later. The funeral was on Saturday and Merlin managed to give the eulogy without breaking down, he felt like there were no tears left. As he watched her body being lowered into the ground, he felt empty, like everything else had been carved out of him and he stood there, a shell of himself.
In accordance to her will, a tree was planted over her grave instead of a tombstone. She had loved all of nature in life; she wanted to be surrounded by it in death as well. He planted an oak tree, a traditional Celtic tree to symbolise wisdom and strength, purity and power, a sign of a beautiful spirit. His mother was all of those things, he thought and it only seemed appropriate that it should be an oak tree that she gave life to in her death.
Sunday was spent going through Hunith's affairs. She had left the house to Merlin but he didn't know what he wanted to do with it and Will thought it wouldn't be good for him to make any big decisions about it at the time. So instead, they just went through the very few processions that his mother had and boxed way the things that he wanted to keep—like her favorite quilt, the snow globe of Paris that his father had given her, and her tea kettle. The rest was packed away and donated to a local shelter; she wouldn't have wanted Merlin to hold onto everything. He kept only the few things that meant something to her but he was an only child and there was no other family to give anything to so he ended up with several boxes that he wanted to hold onto. He would leave them at the house though until he decided what to do and only returned to London with the quilt, snow globe and kettle.
Merlin returned to work on Monday, he was quieter than usual but since no one knew what was going on, they just passed it off as him being tired. By Wednesday, Arthur was going out of his mind. Merlin was so agreeable and quiet that it just wasn't right.
"Merlin," Arthur said, finally having had enough, "what's wrong?" Merlin looked up from his tablet in surprise.
"What do you mean?" He asked and Arthur wondered at the expression that crossed his face. He stared at those baby blue eyes and felt his stomach lurch. Merlin was looking at him with such a vulnerable expression, his eyes filled with some unknown pain and Arthur had to keep himself from crossing over the desk and pulling him into his arms.
"Something has happened..." Arthur said gently and instantly, the walls were back up in Merlin's eyes and Arthur wondered why he always seemed so guarded.
"Nothing," Merlin lied, Arthur knew he was lying but he didn't know why. It wasn't like Merlin couldn't talk to him. He knew he wasn't very good with words, or emotions and he especially wasn't good when it came to words about emotions, but still, it was Merlin. Surely if something was wrong, Merlin would tell him. He never kept anything to himself, he was always telling Arthur off about something so Arthur let it go. If Merlin wanted to tell him, he would, he had no idea that Merlin couldn't tell him.
o.O.o.O.o
"Merlin stop!" Will shouted and Merlin looked at him with those cold eyes that had replaced the warm, loving ones he had grown up with.
"I'm not doing anything," Merlin said, his voice hollow which just made Will even angrier. What had happened to his friend? He didn't recognize the person in front of him at all anymore.
"Exactly! You're not doing anything except working! When was the last time you went out for a hike or for a bike trip? When was the last time you did anything for yourself?" Will asked. It had been a month since his mother had died and Merlin did nothing but eat, sleep and work. He was terrified for his friend and Merlin didn't seem to get that.
"I do, do stuff for myself!" Merlin shouted back, "I still read, I still bike, it's winter Will! I can't exactly go kayaking when it's freezing outside."
"Arg," Will ran his hands through his hair, frustrated, "I don't even know who you are anymore."
"I don't get why you keep saying that!" Merlin growled, angry with Will for always being mad at him, "why won't you just forgive me for working at Camelot and get over it?! I work at Camelot, so fucking what!"
"This isn't about your job Merlin!"
"Then what the fuck is it about Will?" He spat and Will sighed and just shook his head.
"It's about who you're changing into. You've gotten cold Merlin, cold and emotionless and I don't know how to help you."
"I'm not asking for your help Will," it wasn't like he had no idea what Will was talking about, he was right. Merlin had grown colder and distant since Hunith died but he didn't know what else he could have done. Feeling the loss was just too much, he couldn't bear it and the only thing that was getting him through the day was work. He wouldn't admit that it was really Arthur that was keeping him sane. Arthur still didn't know but that was ok, just having the steadiness and predictability that was Arthur was all that Merlin craved. He knew where he stood with Arthur, there were no demands for him to become emotionally invested in what they were doing, Arthur never asked for his feelings about something. It was refreshing to be able to just relax and not be looked at with the pity that Will had in his eyes.
"I promised her I would look after you but I don't know what else to do. You don't talk to me anymore, you're working yourself to death and I can't watch it."
"Then don't," Merlin said simply and he was surprised by the coldness in his own voice. He hadn't meant to sound that cruel and he immediately wished he could take it back but something held him back. They stared at each other, Will waiting for Merlin to tell him not to actually go and Merlin fighting with himself until finally it was clear that Merlin wasn't going to say anything. So Will turned away, packed up a bag and left. Something was broken in their friendship and Merlin was pretty sure that there was no way he could fix it.
The next day when Merlin got home, Will had moved all of his things out of the flat and left a note saying he'd moved in with Rebecca and to call him when he was ready to talk. Merlin stood in the kitchen, looking at the note and felt himself wither again, curling in on himself all over.
