A Restless Mind
Night 2 in the Capital
"Hopeless implies that at one time there was hope. And that's another word I don't understand. Hope only exists for people who have choices"
―Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dance with the Devil
I lay on my bed watching the ceiling of my room. In particular the fancy ornate fan go round and round. It feels like it is a countdown beating down the seconds of my life, each time it circles it brings me closer to my death. I try to avoid thinking of the games as it makes my stomach curl painfully.
The seconds tick by however…
I close my eyes and let my mind go blank as I solely concentrate on the feel of the cold air being blown on my body. It begins to get uncomfortably cold after several minutes but reminds me I am still alive. For how much longer though? I open my eyes and try to follow one arm of the fan as it goes round, but it goes so fast it makes me dizzy and my eyes hurt. Anything to take my mind off the games…
Okay enough. Time to stop being a baby, ignoring the reality of my situation is not going to help or make it go away. It will make it worse if I am not prepared. I go over the training day today. First off it was clear nobody trusted me, they all thought I was a nasty career spy or something. Even though I don't blame them for thinking that it still hurt some to hear them say those things. Oh well I need to have a thick skin if I will have any chance to get through the games.
I knew from the moment my name was called my main weakness was that I was too nice, too caring, not being able to kill and slaughter innocent kids with no conscience just because the capital says to. Indeed looking at all of the kids in person just makes me want to throw up in repulsion that we need to kill each other in order to live and knowing they will all soon be dead. How sick can these bastards be?
I still don't see how I can kill anyone, but it is something I will have to solve. I have to accept it. I guess I can if someone attacks me. I can't stop seeing the images from past games of tributes viciously murdering each other and enjoying it. Worse than that is the empty hollowness in their eyes and expressions. It numbs them so they are not even aware of what they doing and how wrong it is. I don't ever want to end up like that. What is the point of living if you lose all sense of yourself and your humanity? If you become bitter at the world and live forever with self-loathing?
There are those that go crazy from the guilt too. That sounds like what my reaction would be. It never turns out well for them either. Somehow I need to find a medium, to not lose my sense of self but not become too wrapped in guilt that it destroys me. I guess they are one in the same, that people will block out all feeling and emotion because they either can't handle it or don't want to feel it. Ugh this country really sucks doesn't it? What kind of government would force teenagers and kids to deal with these horrible decisions and contemplate the darkest part of human nature? It is bad enough at 16, how are 12 year olds supposed to deal with it?
I should know. In my first reaping my name was called. There were several volunteers before I could barely leave my section though. The tribute that year ended up being an 18 year old named Ariel. She made it to the final 6 before being killed by the boy from 10. I was cheering for her hoping she would win, and when she died I couldn't help but feel guilty. I know I shouldn't have since she would have volunteered no matter whose name was drawn. It still felt personal though since she saved my life.
Of course years later now my name was drawn again, this time there was no volunteer to save me. Now thinking back on my 12 year old self it seems so long ago, and I was so young and immature back then. I had absolutely no chance. At least I have a chance this time. At least that's what I tell myself. Maybe it is karma giving me 4 years to be more prepared. And more prepared I am. I would never consider myself a career, and have never stepped foot in the academy. In fact it was actually hearing my name when I was 12 that made me want to be able to defend myself and have skills if I was ever in the games. Naturally I know district 4 things that would help like using spears to fish and nets and traps as such. I was also a good swimmer of course. I started running on the beach to up my endurance, condition my body and clear my mind. It turned out I really loved it and it became a hobby for me. So now I am really lean and athletic, which is always a huge plus for a tribute. I also swam a lot. I was an expert at climbing masts and had good balance from working on the boats.
The main captain in charge of this, a man named Horace became like a mentor to me. He was the one who I went to and saw every day at the docks. Anyway Horace is an older man, around 50 maybe. He used to be a captain on the fishing runs but retired from that and now is in charge of maintaining the ships. He taught me to throw knives just in case and I became quite good at it. Throwing knives and spears are very similar so it was easy to get the hang of. He's the one who gave me the knives hidden in my cave along the desolate part of the beach where I run, swim and chill out. That is mostly what my day consisted of, running on the beach before school, going to the docks afterwards and then swimming. Geese I sound like a career don't I?
I never had many friends; I preferred to be alone when not with my family. I just never seemed to understand my peers I guess. Many trained to become careers so I naturally was not that close to them. As for the rest, well, the girls all seem so silly and annoying only caring about hair, clothes, makeup and boys. None of those things interested me so I spent my time alone, with my family or at the docks. I never had a boyfriend either despite offers and interest. I just was not interested in dating one of the arrogant pompous career hopefuls that seem to be all we have in 4. I am really close to my family though, especially my dad. I hate when he leaves on a fishing trip. I have always been a daddys girl who was more at home on a boat listening to old fisherman's tales than going shopping or flirting with guys. I am not a tom boy or anything, don't get me wrong. I just prefer simplicity and solitude. I guess you could say I am more the observing type. Until I was 10 I was an only child but then my parents had Sky. I loved hanging out with her and teaching her to swim and climb trees. She is 6 now and since I will most likely die within a few weeks she will not really remember me when she grows up. To me this is probably the most painful thing of being reaped.
Look at me rambling on about my life. It doesn't really matter anymore does it? Soon I will be just another dead tribute girl. Unless I win. Become a murderer. I really hate this, having to think of these horrible choices. Why did I have to be reaped? I was just a quiet girl who never did anything to anger the capital. Sure I disliked them and hated the games but it all seemed like such a distant threat. No one I knew had ever been reaped. The capitals cruelty was never personal. Well it is now. I never knew quite how horrible it feels to be forced from your home –essentially being kidnapped- and paraded around for slaughter. I assure you that I know now exactly how powerless and hopeless it makes you feel. How my heart feels like it was ripped out and how my body is constantly tense it makes me nauseous. How I am screaming in my mind for nobody to hear. I feel like a piece of meat, completely existing for others to consume without having any say or control of my own. I have no control over my life anymore, no more than any avox. No one can truly know the feeling unless you have experienced it yourself. Of course everyone who has is dead, except the victors. I guess it is easy enough to ignore when it is not happening to you. Easy to forget the kids murdered for no reason.
I guess it is not for no reason. It is because the capital is greedy and ruthless and power hungry and does not give a rats ass about the districts or families they tear apart. They only care about keeping their power, which means preventing the districts from realizing how fucked they are and doing something about it. The games are ingenious in that regard unfortunately. They keep people from focusing on the capital by pitting us all against each other. Petty grudges and rivalries between districts take the blame away and the prospect of one kid making it out alive gives us enough hope to play the game. If they just killed us all we would retaliate with no hope for living and it would incite rebellion. There would be no careers in that case. After all who would be stupid enough to volunteer for something with a 0% survival chance? Although judging by how brainless some careers are they still might. I feel bad for the careers. That probably makes no sense right? Well I do because they are so twisted and warped that they can't see how wrong the games are. Seriously who would willingly go into a game with a 4% chance of surviving? Unless you were desperate or something it just makes no sense to me.
My parents always taught me to pity the less fortunate after all. I figure not having enough brainwaves to see how idiotic they are qualifies them as mentally handicapped. Sure they are trained for it and everything but still. All they know is how to kill and hurt others. What the hell kind of life is that? How can any parent ever actually want their child in the games? They should be arrested for child endangerment. Trust me I come from a career district so I am aware of how it goes. It sickens me to see parents force their kids to train and volunteer when they do not want to. Especially the victors, who know from personal experience how awful it must be in the games. Even if their kid survives who would want to put their kid through that? Obviously someone who doesn't care about their well being, only their own pride and fame and whatever else goes through their little twisted minds. Suddenly it makes sense if careers have such parents raising them and teaching them these beliefs. If not the parents then the whole system that enforces that it is the only worthwhile life goal. How are they to know better? Well they still should.
Luckily the careers from 4 are nowhere near as awful as the ones from 1 and 2. There is a mantra that 4 is not a real career district in reality as we are not as brutal and bloodthirsty. There are some exceptions though, about 2 years back we had this Victor named Victor. Haha I know ironic right. Well he was just as bad as those from 1 and 2, if not worse. During the games I was really hoping he would die and that is saying something as I usually support my district. He was way beyond arrogant and cruel, definitely psychotic, and ended up with the most number of kills (12) that had been seen in decades. I could barely stand to look at him by the end and was sickened when he won. I had been supporting a girl from 5 named Lisa who was really smart and used a series of intricate traps to stay alive. She made it to the final two, only to have Victor torture her mercilessly for hours before ending it. When he came back he insisted on being called Victor Vick. He had turned quite a few in 4 off him however which is saying something, as we usually love our victors. It didn't help that he killed his own district partner by tying her to a tree and setting her on fire after cutting off her tongue when she dared to tell him that he was being an idiot.
I still remember him standing there laughing like an insane maniac while she was on fire. It was one of the worst things I have ever seen in the games. Ugh and when he came back he was insufferable. He thought he could do whatever he wanted and everyone had to kiss his shoes. He had taunted the family of his district partner, including her 10 year sister and 8 year old brother in the middle of the market one time by offering to light them on fire too so they could join her. Quite the pleasant boy don't you think? And don't even get me started on how he behaved during his victory tour.
He had even come up to me last year and demanded me to go out with him. Needless to say he had not appreciated it when I told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off if you will. However you see he had this teensy little problem of a terrible temper and would not get the hint. He would not leave me alone and one day he had started to get violent and shoved me and tried to punch me so I had kicked him hard in the groin, a tactic my mom showed me if someone ever tried to attack me or force me against my consent. Naturally he was furious and that incident kind of soured him on me when he realized I was not some brainless dimwit so he tried to start some nasty rumors about me which was another reason why I didn't have many friends. Not that I really cared anyway. A couple months later he had been sent to a mental hospital after getting in a street fight and killing three guys before the peace keepers got him under control. He has not mentored or been seen since, a big relief for the district in my opinion.
It is pretty late now so I should try to go to sleep but I am just too restless so I decide to walk around. When I approach the kitchen I see Finnick and Mags sitting at the table talking. It is clear this is a private conversation so I hide in the hallway before they hear me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Mags is asking, "No" FInnick says "I don't". He looks pretty beat up.
"Come on this is too much, you will wear yourself out" Mags warns in a motherly tone.
"I don't have a choice" Finnck says sharply "I never did! They will kill her if I don't."
"I know" Mags says sadly, "I am sorry for giving you such a persona during your games, I was just trying to get you the best chance of sponsors" she trails off. "I know," he says quietly "I don't blame you."
"If I knew what would happen I would never have gone that route, now you have to be with them all the time" Mags whispers almost to herself.
"It's okay I'm used to it now" he groans, "That why I am worried for Priya, she will be quite popular if she survives given how pretty she is" he says sadly "and I know she has a six year old sister and her parents."
My whole body is tense now that Finnick has started talking about me. What are they talking about? What is he forced to do? Why is he worried for me if I won because I am pretty? Then it all clicks as I remember Finnick always having a different girl on his arm in the capital, does the capital force him to have sex with them? Is that all my life will be if I manage to win anyway? I have to keep the bile down as I think of having sex with disgusting perverted capital men like the one at the parade. I never even had a boyfriend before, let alone ever had sex. I almost start hyperventilating at the thought of what my life would be, as it sounds like they will kill victor's family members if they refuse to do it. If it comes down to that what choice would I have? I hate the capital.
Poor Finnick he must be really suffering having to do that so often and be someone he's not. How many other victors are forced into that? No wonder they can never recover from the games between living with guilt, nightmares and self-loathing, mentoring and having to live and breathe every second of each games every year, being forced into basically being a prostitute for the capital and worrying the president will kill their family. So great now not even winning the games seems like an ideal plan. I don't want to die and I don't want to live if it means being a fucking capital prostitute. What's a girl to do?
