Random author's note: I re-read the last chapter I wrote and noticed that I wrote this horrible sentence: "An unsettling quiet settles in around us." What the hell was that? Way too much settle usage. Yee gads. I just felt like pointing that out. Enjoy my idiocy.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything….I almost typed I still don't know anything, which is equally true.

JD's POV

Saturday, 12:40pm

I am forever amazed at how everything around here seems to happen all at once. Nothing ever trickles down slowly, nothing gradually fades in and out. It's all or nothing. Sometimes I find that refreshing in it's simplicity and predictability. Sometimes I find it overwhelming and suffocating. It just depends on the circumstances, I guess.

A minute ago it was simple and refreshing. Dan and I were just sitting here, all alone in the lounge, eating our sandwiches that he was for once thoughtful enough to get for us. It was just us, the Dorian boys, eating in brotherly, companionable silence….well, not silence exactly. Dan kept smacking and groaning and breathing loudly through his nose while he ate.

A minute ago it was all nothing, all at once. It was uncomplicated and unrushed and easy. No one to act for, no one to impress, no one to figure out or try and have an intelligent conversation with - just food and my brother and the light coming in through the window.

Ok, so of course there were some other things thrown in there, but you get the point.

So, that was a minute ago. All at once, everyone decides it's time for lunch break. And everyone decides to spend it in here. Why is it that when I want people to be around, I can't find anyone - and when I would rather just have quiet, here comes the whole crew – laughing and talking and high-fiving? I know it's not really like that. I know that's an adolescent thing to think, but there it is.

Carla and Turk stroll in arm and arm, giving each other little pecks on the lips. I wonder what has caused them to be so lovey-dovey today. Elliot skips in behind them all bright eyed and cheery. It's a nice look on her. Behind her come some other folks wandering in and out. It's so busy. Now it's turned into one of those overwhelming and suffocating circumstances. The weird thing is, I think if the room was filled with people I don't know or don't know very well, it wouldn't be so bad. The most overwhelming and suffocating thing about this is that my friends, who I love, are beginning to surround Dan and I.

I swallow and take a deep breath. Here we go.

"Hey guys!"

Man, I sound chipper. Good for me.

"Sup! You want some of this chocolate bear lovin'?"

Turk is standing in front of me, holding his arms out for a hug. He's being rather affectionate today, isn't he? I used to think I could take the credit for turning him into a semi-hugger. It's strange that now I'm the one who doesn't particularly want to touch people. That's not entirely true. It felt nice when Dan was holding me. I still want that, right? Why does that desire to be comforted and touched keep coming and going? Why am I all of a sudden madly inconsistent with this whole physical contact thing? I'm beginning to frustrate myself.

"Heeeyyyy…"

I sound the word out slowly while standing up with my arms open as well, mirroring Turk's stance. And then of course, hug. Ok. That could have looked natural. If I can just get through this without appearing to be out of sorts, than….well, I guess I don't know what happens next.

Everyone is greeting each other and acting so normal. I sit back down and just lean back and watch. You know how when you have a soar throat you can't remember what it's like not to have the soar throat? You watch the people around you eating and drinking and you can't fathom how they can do that without wincing. Likewise when you feel fine, it's hard to fully imagine or remember what it's like to have the soar throat. Well, I guess I'm like the guy with the soar throat and I'm marveling at the ease in which everyone else can function. I guess they don't have soar throats.

"Is the janitor off today? The trash is over flowing the little girls' room." Elliot asks as she slips into a chair next to Dan.

"He's here, Elliot." I point out the window. She looks out the window to see him now once again perched on the roof looking like he's the captain of a ship. She cocks her head and looks confused and then just shakes it off.

Was he always this weird? I wonder what he would have been like as a child.

Someone gives me one of those awkward from behind hugs. It's Carla, I can tell by the curly hair touching my face. I stiffen for some reason, but manage to pat her forearm before she pulls away and takes a seat between Elliot and I.

"Hey, Bambi."

"Hey, Carla." It suddenly occurs to me that she's not supposed to be here. "I thought you were off today."

"I got called in for an 8 hour shift."

"Oh, that stinks."

She shrugs.

"Oh, JD. The apartment looks amazing!"

For a moment I have no idea what she's talking about so I just tilt my head and give her my patented "Whhhaaaa?" look.

"You must have spent all day cleaning."

She gives me a little swat on the knee and then lightly chastises me:

"You were supposed to be resting, sick-boy."

She waggles her finger in my face for a moment. I feel like slapping it away. I think maybe I shouldn't look her in the eye until my temporary irritation goes away. I hate that I'm turning into such a grouch. Maybe I need to steal some mood stabilizers, we have those here somewhere don't we?

Instead I laugh nervously and am about to say something to minimize my cleaning spree when Dr. Cox pokes his head up from the couch and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Woah, how does he do that?" Dan asks no one in particular.

"Do what?" That was Elliot.

"Just pop up out of nowhere like that."

Good question. I've always wanted to know. I think he was imbued with magic at a young age. He's amazing.

"He's omnipresent. Like God or Ed Harris."

Dan and I both nod in agreement.

"Afternoon Coxil!"

I wish Dan wouldn't speak to him. Ever.

Dr. Cox growls at Dan and then fixes his eyes on me and glares. Oh God, what did I do? He stands up and folds his arms across his chest.

"Yeah, Martha. I thought you were supposed to be resting. Did you or did you not tell me this morning that you had, and I quote-"

He uncrosses his arms just long enough to make the quotation sign and continues.

"-a good day off. Got to rest up."

Oh crap. So that's his problem. He heard Carla's comment about me cleaning the apartment. I guess I'm not good at making up believable lies.

"Uh…cleaning is very relaxing?"

Damn, it JD. That was supposed to be a statement, not a question. GAH!

Turk snorted. "Dude. It looked like you washed every dish in the house, did everyone's laundry, went through the bathroom with a toothbrush, vacuumed, dusted, washed floors….even Elliot's mom would have approved. When did you become obsessive compulsive?"

I chance a glance at Dr. Cox, who is raising his arms to the heavens - most likely inquiring about my unending idiocy.

"What? It was a mess! I had free time!"

That's right, be on the defensive.

"I can't believe you didn't feel up to going to the fair with Dan and I, but you somehow had the energy to deep clean our entire apartment. I think something must be seriously wrong. You need to get checked out." Turk shakes and his head and mumbles something about cotton candy vs. ammonia and paradigms shifting

For some reason I feel panic start to form in the pit of my stomach. What did he mean by, "Something must be seriously wrong"? Does he know something? Why would he say that? Ok, calm down. He's not talking about that. He's looking at me…what now?

"What? I'm fine."

Carla puts her hand on my arm. I'm not expecting it since I was looking at Turk at the time. So, of course, I jump and move my arm away. She doesn't even blink or seem to notice that I practically recoiled from her touch.

"JD, you passed out. You're not fine."

Thank you Carla.

"Ok, so maybe I wasn't fine for like, 5 minutes when I passed out. But, I'm not sick. I'm here. I'm fine."

Everyone rolls their eyes. I want to disappear. I know they're all just looking out for me, but I feel like I'm under attack. I feel like the air is too thick in here. I don't want the attention on me anymore. All of a sudden I remember that I had been crying earlier. I want to look in a mirror and see if it's noticeable. No one said anything….would they have said something? Dr. Cox probably would have. He probably would have pointed and laughed and said how much of a girl I was for crying at work.

I glance over at him. He's looking at me. It looks like he's waiting for me to do or say something. He looks like he's trying to drill a hole in my head with his laser eyes. Why would he want to do that? I furrow my eyebrows and gingerly touch my forehead. I can tell I'm staring at him with wide eyes. I hate that I can't stop. I think his eyes are actually starting to turn red, and I'm pretty sure there's a straight line beginning to shoot out from his eyes, just as red as his pupils are now. I am completely mesmerized.

"Dang, JD! You had the bomb for lunch? Whoa – are you gonna finish that?"

It slowly registers that someone is talking to me. I blink and try to will myself to look around to find out who it is, but my head seems to be stuck in this position – facing Dr. Cox.

A hand waves in front of my eyes. I flinch and the spell is broken. Huh. Dr. Cox's eyes aren't red anymore. Where did the laser go?

"Hey, JD. Are you done with your sandwich?"

A blink a few times and look around. My head feels like it's moving too fast. I feel slightly dizzy, like I've had 2 appletinis. I look down at my sandwich, which is ½ eaten, and swivel my head around until my eyes land on Turk who is licking his lips and looking at me very expectantly.

"W-what?"

I wonder if my head looks as wobbly as it feels. Maybe I've finally turned into the bobble head doll I always wanted of myself. I find that amusing and I start to crack a slow smile, but it's interrupted by Turk talking in my ear. Whoa – close talker…a little space please!

"Saaannndwwiiicch." Turk says the word slowly so that I would be able to understand him.

"I-uh, oh. Um, yeah…yeah go ahead. I'm full."

Turk cheers, does a little dance and reaches for the sandwich. He sings something intelligible to it before taking a huge bite. For some reason I can't stand to watch him eat today. Actually I can't seem to stand to watch anyone eat today. A piece of meat falls out of the sandwich onto the table, which Turk happily picks up and tosses in his mouth. I am completely disgusted. All I can think about is what was on that table. What kinds of bacteria hopped onto that piece of meat that he just inhaled without a thought or care? I can feel my face moving into a grossed out sneer. I hope he doesn't notice. I hope no one else notices. Why can't I stop staring? Snap out of it!

My body decides an involuntary shiver/spasm would be just the thing to distract me from Turk's food intake. I don't know what to do right now. How do people know what to do with their arms all the time? I feel fuzzy and confused. I scratch my arm idly. People are talking. I have no idea what they are saying. Why is it that lunch times keep turning out this way?

I look around for a clock. My break must be almost over by now. I don't normally will break time to be done…but I would rather be running around from patient to patient than sitting here feeling exposed and uncomfortable. My eyes feel hot. My stomach feels like lead. Maybe I chose the wrong thing to put into my stomach. I should have had something simple. Something light. I absent-mindedly put my feet up to share the seat of my chair, and hug my knees to my chest. It hurts a little since my stomach is so full, but I don't really mind the discomfort. I sigh and let my head fall onto my knees. This is nice…dark and hidden.

I forget that I never found a clock and I don't know what time it is. I forget that there are people around me. I don't think I've been sitting like this for long before I feel someone put a hand on my shoulder. I felt as though I had been dozing and was jolted awake by something. I gasp, uncurl myself, and jerk back in one ungraceful movement. I hold the breath I had just taken in and look around with wild, wide eyes.

Oh. I'm still here, and so is everyone else. I picture everyone staring at me in stunned silence and can hear a lone cricket chirping away somewhere. Tumble weed rolls by. Then I blink and realize that in fact there are only 3 people looking at me. Carla, Dan, and Dr. Cox. The other 2 are arguing about who knows what. I swallow and laugh. It sounded hallow and heavy as though the sound came out of my mouth and dropped like an anvil onto the floor.

"Sorry." I whisper. I figured it must have been Carla's hand on my shoulder, so I direct the apology at her. She looks confused, and a little weirded out.

"No problem, Bambi."

Awkward pause.

"Uh, JD…are you ok? You don't look so hot."

I knew I looked like crap. Damn. I wish it were socially acceptable for guys to wear makeup as casually as women do. When we look like crap we can't do anything about it! That pisses me off.

I clear my throat and relax back into my seat.

"I um…I'm really tired, I guess."

My eyes flicker over to Turk who has long ago finished the rest of my sandwich. I hope everyone took note that I was in fact eating when they first came in here. For some reason that is very important to me all of a sudden. It would seem like such a waste if I ate all of that and made myself feel nasty only to have it go unnoticed since my eating has been a bit of a hot topic these past few days.

I pat my stomach, exaggerating my movements intentionally.

"After lunch crash," I say with a smile. "Couldn't fit anymore in here if I tried."

"You only had half." Dr. Cox sounded like stone. Why his he looking at me like that?

"Yeah, but did you see the size of that thing? It was like," I hold my hands out to varying widths trying to give the impression of mass. I try to make a goofy face to go with it and laugh, but it all feels strange. Based on the looks that people are giving me it looks strange too.

I let my arms drop and I release a few more awkward chuckles for good measure. I feel stupid and ugly. I feel like I did back then. Carla is looking at me like she can't decide to feel concern and pity, or fear and discomfort. It's happening again, I can feel it. This is how it starts. At first it's a few strange looks, but things go back to normal. But then it grows and grows until no one wants to be near you anymore and everyone goes out of their way to avoid you in the halls and on the bus.

I want to cry. There's a lump forming in my throat and my sinuses are starting to tingle – always a warning sign that tears are close by. A clear my throat and start to fidget. I need to leave. I swear Dr. Cox hasn't stopped looking at me this whole time. And Dan has been keeping a close watch as well. Although both of them have remained curiously quiet.

As I look back over at Dr. Cox, something shifts and clicks into place in my mind. Dr. Cox sat up from the couch. That's how I first saw him. I didn't see him walk in. When did he get to the couch? While my mind was working this out and my stomach wound itself into a tight knot, everyone else moved on from my freakish display a few minutes earlier and are talking amongst themselves. It didn't matter, the only people I can see clearly right now to focus on are Dan and Dr. Cox.

I turn and look at Dan who is looking at me with something unreadable in his eyes. I turn and look at Dr. Cox, who is also looking at me. He's looking at me really intensely. I swallow. My mouth feels dry. My throat feels thick. My neck and cheeks feel hot, but my forehead feels cold. Had he been there the whole time? Did he hear the whole thing?

My ears must be plugged because everyone else sounds low and garbled around me. I don't even realize I'm talking until I'm half way through my sentence.

"Dr. Cox was on the couch."

I said that out loud? Did anyone hear that? I look at Dan again. He's still looking at me. He nods. He heard me.

"W-when? How long?"

Dan doesn't say anything, and he doesn't nod. He just shifts his eyes so they're looking at Dr. Cox. I follow them. Dr. Cox is also still looking at me - straight into me…through me.

"How long were you there?" I can barely hear myself it's so quiet, but he hears me somehow.

His eyes close briefly and when he opens them, they still hold the same intensity as before.

"The whole time."

His voice is low and steady. It's calm, but full of meaning and purpose. I know what he's saying.

"Oh."

I know that Dr. Cox has probably heard the whole horrible conversation and I start to rack my brain to remember what was said.

How much information could he have gathered? What did we say? Were there details given? WHAT! I'm panicking again. My insides feel like they're trembling. A piece of my hair has fallen down so that it's in my line of vision. I can see it moving like it's on vibrate. So I am shaking. And it might be visible too. Now I know I have to leave. I hope no one has been talking to me over the past minute or so, since I haven't been listening. I glance out of the corner of my eye at Carla to see if she has stopped looking at me like I'm in a circle sideshow. She has. She's talking to Elliot.

It must be 1:00 now, right? I can just excuse myself and go back to work. Maybe I'll swing by the bathrooms first. My stomach really doesn't feel right and I really want to see what I look like before seeing patients again, maybe splash some water on my face. Speaking of water, I need a drink. The air is too thick in here. Maybe we need to get someone in here to test the air quality of this place. How crazy is that. Testing air quality in a hospital. No wonder everyone in here is sick. It's a wonder we're not all in those sterile hospital beds considering what we're breathing in. I'm not sure I'm making any sense.

I clear my throat and slowly rise so I'm standing – on shaky legs of course. I see Dan stand up too in my peripheral vision. I reach out and grab my cell phone from off the table and clip it into place on my wait band next to my pager. I don't watch myself do this because I'm afraid to see how badly my hands are shaking. I take a deep breath, which sadly catches in my dry throat, making me cough a few times.

"Whoa, Bambi. Cough into your arm or something would you. You're going to infect everyone. I hope you haven't been coughing on your patients."

I shake my head at Carla, "N-no, it's not contagious. My throat's just dry."

She doesn't look convinced. Does she think I'm an idiot? I'm a doctor for heavens' sake! I know to cover my mouth when I cough. I can tell that I sort of want to be irritated, but the desire to get the hell out of here is outweighing the desire to be a smart ass.

"Have a good rest of your break, guys. I've got to get back to work."

I give a general wave to everyone and a small smile. I turn to leave and can hear various "bye"s directed at me…er…at my back as it were. I keep my head down and my hands stuffed in my pockets as I move down the hallway towards the bathroom. I hope it's empty. I wonder if there's a lock on the door. I would love to have some privacy in there for a few minutes to collect myself before I have to be a competent doctor again.

Somehow I instantly forget to even look for a lock once I'm in the bathroom. Scatterbrained. I do think to take a quick peak under the stalls. No feet. Good. I'm alone.

I close my eyes and let out a long sigh and lean my head against the mirror. When I finally open my eyes and move back so I can see myself I'm mildly shocked. I can't see tear marks on my cheeks anymore, but my eyes are completely bloodshot. Even my eyelids look vein-y and red. I poke lightly at them, amazed at how hideous they look. I have dark shadows under my eyes. I think I might have a skin condition. It looks discolored. It's darker in the creases around my mouth and in the outside corners of my eyes. Maybe it just looks like that because the rest of my face is pale in contrast. I do look sick. My face feels tight and dry. I wonder if I could borrow Carla's face lotion. Maybe she should teach me how to put on cover up.

Looking at myself in the mirror is getting depressing. I lean forward and splash water on my face a few times. It feels nice. I keep my eyes closed as I dry my face off with the rough paper towels. I wonder if Dr. Kelso would let the janitor or whoever orders this stuff get nicer feeling paper towels in here.

I can hear Dr. Cox talking to someone outside the bathroom door. I panic. Oh God, please don't come in, please don't come in. I remember again that he was there when I was talking to Dan. I know I decided that I needed to talk to someone about it, but now that someone accidentally heard us, I guess I don't have to decide who to tell. He knows already. He knows. He KNOWS!

Bile rises in my throat. Nothing will ever be the same now. He'll never see me the same way. It's all over. A cold sweat covers my forehead and neck. I think I'm going to be sick. I almost trip over my own feet as I dive into the nearest stall, slamming the door behind me. My hands are shaking so much that I have a hard time latching the door, which is making my panic worse. I'm taking huge breaths – in through my nose, out through my mouth. My head feels light, and I'm running out of time to get this damn thing latched before I lose my lunch and it goes all over the floor instead of in the toilet. COME ON!

There – latched. Not a moment too soon, and almost a moment too late. I spin around quickly, causing me to temporarily lose my balance so I have to sort of bounce off the wall before positioning myself so I'm aiming in the right spot.

Just as the first stream of bile and sandwich splashes into the toilet I hear the door to the bathroom open and close. Damn it! I try desperately to stop from throwing up some more, but I can't help it. I'm trying to make it as quiet as I can, but it sounds so loud to me that I think there is little hope that whoever just came didn't hear it. Maybe they'll take pity on me and back away and go to another bathroom. Most people would rather have privacy when getting sick, buddy, show some tact!

No such luck. I don't hear the door open and close. I don't hear whoever it is go into a stall. What the hell are they doing? It's like they have become paralyzed by the sound of someone puking. Give me a break, you're in a hospital. Get over it.

Ok, I think I'm finally done. So much for actually eating lunch today. I flush it all down the toilet. I decide to just lean against the wall for a little bit and wait until the person leaves before coming out. I'd rather remain the anonymous puker. But they aren't moving. I peek at the feet. Brown shoes, scrub bottoms, edges of a white coat. It's a doctor anyway. And he's just standing there. I'm getting really tired of standing here and I really want to sit or lay down. But I'm in a bathroom. Maybe I should just suck it up and go out there and find an empty bed somewhere, just for a few minutes. Or maybe I'll just close my eyes as I stand here.

"Newbie. I know it's you in there."

My eyes fly open. Damn it! How is it that he keeps showing up at the wrong times? Oh, yeah. Because that's what he does. Maybe if I stay very still and quiet he'll think he made a mistake and leave.

"You may as well just come out of there because I'm not leaving until you do and I could stand here rather comfortably all day."

Shit. I hesitate for a moment before giving up and shuffling over to the door of the stall and opening it. I keep my head down. I don't want to see him. I don't want him to see me. It suddenly occurs to me that I just threw up and my breath must smell horrid. I'll have to go find some hospital mouthwash. I hate that stuff. It's yellow. Mouthwash should never be yellow. My body gives an involuntary shudder as I slowly walk over to the sink so I can wash my hands and at least rinse out my mouth.

I can see Dr. Cox fold his arms and lean against the counter while I do this. In mid mouth rinse it occurs to me that I might be giving the secret away that I threw up by this action, but I decide he must have heard anyway. Whatever. I'm not going to care. I'm going to be mopey and defiant until he has no choice but to give up any hope of having a conversation with me and leaves me the hell alone. Because that's what I am…alone.

Now that I'm done I don't know what to do with myself. I have a feeling that he wouldn't let me leave if I tried to walk past him and I don't want to have that mellow-dramatic arm grabbing scene unfold in here right now. So instead I stare at my feet and try not to focus on the fact that I really need to lay down.

"Are you ok?" This comes out as a gruff sigh. I feel like shoving him away and yelling at him to leave me alone if having to ask me if I'm ok is so off-putting. Instead I shrug and cross my arms. I feel like I'm 17 and going through a high school rebellious stage.

"You were throwing up." It's a statement. Not a question.

"I thought you said you weren't contagious." He snorts as he says it. He sounds so pompous I want to slap him. I don't know why I'm so irritable and violent lately….in my head anyway.

I glare at him. "I'm not." I say through gritted teeth.

He stares back. "Then why were you throwing up if you're not sick?"

Damn. He's got me there. I glare for another half a second for no apparent reason, then just look down at my feet again and shove my hands into my pockets. Dr. Cox sighs.

"JD."

I'm ignoring him.

"JD, look at me."

My sinuses are tingling again and my eyes are starting to water. Damn it! Why do my tear ducts hate me so much? I swallow and blink a few times, trying to make it go away before looking up at him. But as soon as my eyes meet his it starts again. Any minute I expect to feel hot salty tears streak down my cheeks. But right now, they're just lingering in my eyes, making my vision blurry.

"What?"

I wanted it to sound full of attitude, but my voice cracked mid-word and ruined that.

"I know you have figured out that I was there, that I must have heard."

My throat makes a weird nose and the first tear falls. I'm so ashamed, I can't look at him anymore, so I just duck my head and nod.

"What did you hear?"

Pause.

"Not everything."

My head snaps up. There is hope!

"But enough to know that something is going on with you and that your brother is right."

Pause.

"You don't need to talk to me. Hell – I'd rather you not talk to me."

Oh great. Thanks.

"But, by some random and sick twist of fate I happened to be relaxing on the couch when you two chose that room to have your heart to heart. So, I guess I'm in whether I want to be or not."

I swallow again and look back down. It's hard to look someone in the eye who doesn't really want to help and is only there because they were forced to be. I wish Dan were here. At least I think he wants to help me. Or maybe he's forced to too because he's my brother. That makes me want to cry more, but so far that lone tear has been the only one to escape. Not bad, considering. Still, one tear is more than humiliating when it's in front of Dr. Cox.

I realize that Dr. Cox had stopped talking. I sheepishly look up at him. He looks really uncomfortable, but I swear I see concern in those piercing eyes.

"Are you going to tell me why I found you puking in the bathroom, why you fainted that day, why you lied about the reason you locked the door and turned on all the lights, who you are so afraid of that you stayed up all night, terrified?"

Whoa, slow down!

I open and close my mouth a couple of times. I don't know what to say. I find that I'm way too scared to actually tell him anything. Maybe I should forget fate and choose someone else to tell, but the thought of telling anyone makes my stomach clench. Finally I give up and just shake my head no.

He looks both relieved and disappointed. I hate disappointing people.

"JD. I know that something is going on. Something big. Something from your past. I can tell whatever it is, whoever it is has gotten you scared. I believe you that you're not sick with the flu. I think that you're stressed out to an extreme and dangerous point. You don't have to tell me now, or ever. But you do have to get through this. You have to know that you can trust me. You can trust all of us here. You have to believe that whoever you decide to tell is going to want to help you and not harm you."

He's walking forward slowly. My head is spinning, I can barely believe what I'm hearing. This is Dr. Cox talking? What does this mean? Why is he getting closer? Do I back away? My feet start stumbling back before I even decide that's what I'm going to do. I guess my body wants a safe distance more then my head does. He stops when I move and looks bewildered for a moment. Then he looks sad and….desperate?

"JD, what happened to you? A week ago you were that zany, annoying, perky, eternally optimistic kid that has been following me around for years! And now…JD, I…."

He stops and closes his eyes, shaking his head. I don't know what to say. I begin to think I'll never be that person again. That's a horrible thought, and one that makes me want to just give up completely and just let go.

"DAMN IT!"

Jesus! I jump back, my heart is in my throat. What the hell was that for? I'm shaking harder than I was before and stumble back until my back hits the wall. This is ridiculous. He's just pissed and decided to yell. He does it all the time! Why am I being such a freakin' wimp? I think all these scares are just starting to get to me.

Dr. Cox notices my reaction and takes a few steps toward me.

"I'm sorry."

Oh, that was me. Why am I apologizing?

"For what?"

I guess he can't answer that question for me.

"I don't know." I wish I didn't sound so child-like.

Dr. Cox runs a hand over his face and peers at me over his hand. His jaw is twitching. Did I just piss him off?

"Are you mad at me?" God, I sound like I'm 5 years old.

"What? No! Why I would I be mad at-" He stops and something seems to dawn on him. "Oh. The yelling."

"And the jaw twitching." I just wanted to be helpful.

He raises an eyebrow at me and rubs his jaw for a second. His pager goes off. He groans and looks at it.

"Damn it." This time he said it under his breath instead of yelling it. I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. A pager. Something normal, something everyday. Just the sound of it calms me for some reason. This interaction with Dr. Cox is becoming unnerving. The longer we stand here, the more I feel like I desperately want to share with him what's going on – just to have someone else on my side. And the stronger that desire gets, the more panicked I feel about actually saying it out loud – to Dr. Cox.

"Look, I have to go before Bob's head explodes."

I nod.

"Newbie….just think about this. You don't need to tell me. No one can make you tell anybody. But, I heard some things today….and my brain is going to make something up to go with it. I don't know if the truth coming from you would be more manageable than whatever my head will come up with...so…"

I nod again. I hadn't really thought of that. Kind-of puts a whole new spin on it. Damn it. I don't know what to do now.

Dr. Cox starts to walk off. Then turns back around and says, "Go lay down in the on call room for a while. I'll come and get you if I need you." And with that he opens the door, and disappears.

I stand there for a second.

"Oh, and Newbie-"

GAH! Stop doing that!

"I think you're starting to freak your little friends out, so….either tell them or be more careful."

And he's gone again. The air shifts around me as the door closes after him. It feels a little lighter now. Lighter and eerily quiet. I know the bustle and craziness of the hospital is waiting for me out there. I can't wait to lose myself in that…but I think it would be wise to take Dr. Cox up on the offer to close my eyes for a while. A feel a smile spread across my face…Dr. Cox told me to take a nap! He does care, doesn't he? Or maybe he would rather have a functioning doctor working with him than a shaking, exhausted, ghost of a man. Great, now my smile is gone. My brain hates me.

I take a deep breath and head to the door. Chin up JD. You just have to be able to walk to the on call room, and then you can just exist for a while. I think I should be able to manage that. I nod a firm nod, affirming that last thought and swing open the door.

Ah, that's the world I know and love. It's loud, it's busy, it's disorganized, it's….the janitor running past me at full speed. Huh. I don't think I've ever seen him do that. Kind-of comical, really. I hope he trips over his own mop. I'm still standing in the open doorway to the bathroom watching him. At the end of the hall he catches up with Dr. Cox and says something to him. Dr. Cox looks confused and points down the hallway. They both turn and look right at me. Crap. I might have known the janitor was up to something, involving me no less. The janitor gets an alarmed look on his face and says something to Dr. Cox, who also looks alarmed and they both start running down the hallway.

What the hell? Something's going on. I step out into the hallway and turn to look in the other direction. They have to be running towards something, right?

Oops. Bad timing. I'm such a klutz. I managed to walk straight into someone.

"Ooff. Sorry." I laugh as I try to move out of the way, not even looking to see who it was I ran into. I want to see what those guys are running toward.

"Hey!"

I find myself being shoved back into the bathroom. I trip over my own feet and land hard on my butt.

"Wha-"

I freeze. My heart feels like it stopped. I stop breathing.

It's him. It's him standing over me. It's him twisting around and turning the lock on the door. My eyes grow wide and shift from him to the door…so there is a lock on this door.

Wait a minute…I'm locked in. I'm locked in with him!

"No…"

My voice finds a way to work, but it comes out as a breath.

He turns around and looks at me. He looks right at me with that horrible sneer and those horrible eyes. He looks at me and snickers.

"Now, is that anyway to greet your own uncle?"