Hello again, my wonderful Minions! How are you on this fine day? You might be wondering why I am being so polite... It's because it took us so long to do ONE BLOODY CHAPTER! I'm sorry. Hopefully this chappy makes up for it. Cookies to everyone, but lemon bars to who can guess who comes into the room at the end! Ooh, and now shut up and hide! Tele's coming!
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SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TELE... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Aw, thanks! I'm so flabbergasted! Now we should probably do the hello message!
I already did!
Really? The thank yous, the disclaimer?
Um... Yes?
Lying isn't becoming, Mancy! Now let's do this thing!
Okay. Disclaimer: Derek Landy is cool and so is his blog. I am cool and so is my blog! Therefore, I'm Derek Landy!
Uh, that's not how a disclaimer works and you're not the Golden God. Real Disclaimer: DL's stuff is DL's. Our stuff is our stuff. And thanks to everyone, excluding mean people!
Bye!
Part Two Of Chappy Six of 'And The Fangirls Rained Upon Them'
Skulduggery Pleasant shuffled the papers around before asking the first question.
"So you wanted to go into Gordon's mansion and look around. You did some spying and then what happened?" He stared at the tall girl, inviting her to answer.
"Well, we distracted the guard and got in. Then we-" She was interrupted by the short girl.
"Hey! Don't leave out the awesome parts! So I went to attack the guard, but then he pulled out his gun. We all froze, but I knew what I had to do. I said some really clever things, and then I knocked the gun out of his hand and clubbed him over the head with my backpack! It was all like, 'Nighty night, guard!'" The shorter nodded, proud of her actions, but Skulduggery just tilted his head.
"You knocked out a guard? Who had a gun in his hand?" The snakeskin pants girl grinned.
"Yup. I gotz some skillz, man," she bragged. The skeleton shook his head slightly.
"Next question. What do you know about mages?" The tall girl made a noise of disbelief.
"Really? Nothing, freakin' absolutely nothing! We're more clueless than Shorty here is in Algebra!"
"Fatty, that doesn't make any sense because I already took Algebra! I'm in ninth grade now, technically in the summer before ninth grade but who cares, and I'm as accelerated in Math as can be! You, however, are in the ALMOST NORMAL math class! I'm almost fourteen, you're already fourteen. Almost six months older than me, you are! You've had more experience, so you should be smarter."
"What...? Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over the deafening sound of how awesome I am!" The shorter girl looked at her friend skeptically.
"Are you sure it's not your extra fat wobbling? Hm? Because you don't have any awesome… J.K! ROWLING! At least, I'm kidding about the fat part. You're not fat, but you know what? You have no right to tease me about my height! Short people are more compassionate because their body vs heart ratio is bigger and-" The tall girl cut the rant short.
"So, Skul, can you please tell us what's going on?"
"One more question," that smooth velvet voice replied. "Have you ever performed any sort of thing that could be magic?"
"Everything I do is-" The short girl was raising her eyebrows, about to praise herself, but the tall girl interrupted her.
"No. We are mortal. But don't you dare think of dropping us and not explaining anything!"
"We will tell you everything. But in the presence of the Grand Mage. We have to find Valkyrie and then get an audience." The trio left the interrogation room and went off in search of Valkyrie Cain.
Not surprisingly enough, they found Valkyrie still at the vending machine. She was talking to the redhead, Bearah. As the two fandom queens stepped closer, they heard what Bearah was saying.
"Yes, they seem particularly-" Bearah paused as she saw them. 'Why, speak of the devil! What do need, Skulduggery?"
"An audience with China, please. About… Two mortals." Val and Bearah shared a look. Bearah shrugged but the dark-haired one looked confused.
"Wait… Mortals?"
"Val, shut up." The redhead had her eyes scrunched closed and her index fingers rubbing her temples. "Holy Sherlock hat! Why is this STILL hard?" After a few more seconds, Bearah dropped her fingers and grinned.
"Did it work?" Skulduggery and Valkyrie asked together.
"Yup. China said to go right in. Meanwhile, I have to rewatch 'The Fall'. I think I have some new theories." Bearah went off down the corridor, humming the Sherlock theme song. The now foursome headed the opposite way. The short girl fell into step by Valkyrie.
"Hey Valkyrie?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I have my food?"
"Oh! Yeah!" Valkyrie handed the bag of animal crackers to her. The shorter tore open the bag excitedly.
"Ooh, a turtle! Or is that a koala…"
Two turns and a staircase later they arrived at China Sorrow's throne room. As they approached the stunning Grand Mage, both girls seemed to be arguing internally. The shorter was shaking her head violently. But as China spoke, they both arrived at a conclusion.
"Well, Skulduggery. Are these the two mortals who broke into our rendezvous and possibly jeopardized the whole arrangement? I must say, they look a little young." Her delicate voice matched her features exactly. That black as sin hair, and those pale, pale eyes were breathtakingly beautiful. The short girl wiped the look of adoration on her face off.
"I would assume you're China Sorrows. I must say, I'm a bit disappointed. I thought you would look, well, prettier." The short girl had an innocent look on her face, which was entirely contradicting her voice. She had mocked China's tone perfectly and was now poking fun at her, with a placid look on her face and an exaggerated straight posture. Valkyrie stifled a laugh and turned toward the mini China Sorrows.
"How are you resisting her… As she likes to put it, her 'effect' on people?" The short girl dropped her charade as the tall girl stepped forward.
"Well, you see… Shorty, should we reveal our secret?"
"I suppose. We know China Sorrows isn't the most beautiful person ever, so we know her 'effect' is fake. And therefore we can resist it!" The Grand Mage scoffed exquisitely.
"Really? And who, may I ask, looks more beautiful than me?" The fangirls shared a knowing look. The tall girl shrugged casually.
"Only… Benedict Cumberbatch! Followed closely by Irene Adler, aka Lara Pulver." China raised a thin eyebrow.
"Benedict Cumberbatch? What sort of mage would choose that as a name?"
"Actually, he's a mortal." Just then, the shorter spoke up.
"He's totally swoon-worthy! I mean, have you seen those cheekbones?" The snakeskin pants girl raised her hand and mimed fanning herself. "Hottie!"
"Child and marginally taller child, you must be mistaken. Now, what is it that I have to be disgraced with your presence. Can we get down to business, Skulduggery?" The room was shaken back to reality, and Skulduggery spoke.
"We would like permission to explain our position as non-mortals. They've already been exposed to magic and they seem to be quite fixated on the truth. And, I would like to deliberate something with you. In private." Valkyrie narrowed her eyes.
"I'm included too, right?"
"Perhaps you will have a thought, too." China hinted.
"She should probably come too, China."
"Ah. I suppose I can't always have my way. Sacrifices must be made." The shorter threw back her head, impatient and she let out an obnoxious sigh. The tall girl rolled her eyes.
"What Shorty means to say, is we would really like to have some answers." Skulduggery looked at China, who briefly nodded her head, conveying her approval.
"I assume you've read all the 'Skulduggery Pleasant' books, since you know our names. Magic exists. We exist." The tall girl without the shirt smirked.
"Yeah. We've gathered that."
"Oh. Okay. I suppose that speech wasn't necessary then."
"It was more like a sentence, Skullman," corrected the shorter.
"Do you have any questions, then?" Val asked, noticing the questions on the tip of the fangirls' tongues. The taller of the two nodded enthusiastically. Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie.
"Valkyrie, we're the ones interrogating here. We can't just let them ask a bunch of pointless, redundant, repetitive questions and waste our time."
"They're obviously confused. Just let them ask a few questions, Mr. Skulduggery My-Ego-Can't-Let-Two-Innocent-Girls-Ask-A-Few-Questions Pleasant!"
"That is so long and ridiculous. But fine. They can ask questions. But if they start asking pointless, redundant, repetitive questions... And why are they innocent?"
"Hate to break up this banter, but where the bloody hell-" The tall girl was interrupted by her friend.
"You shouldn't swear!"
"Okay, where the bloody hell-ooo is my shirt?"
"Better," nodded the shortest. Meanwhile, China was getting more annoyed by the second.
"Can we just get this started? Or can you leave my quarters? You are tainting it with your nonsense." China looked around, but when no one responded she sighed and disappeared through the door.
"Your shirt was taken when we took you into the medical wing. We had to make sure the symbol wasn't dangerous."
"What symbol?" asked the taller.
"That bird-crown thing," explained Skulduggery. Valkyrie face-palmed. The shorter played with her animal crackers.
"Oh my Golden God. Bloody hell-ooo! That's not a mage symbol! It's the StarWars Rebel Symbol! Don't you people watch movies?"
"A stupid question! They-"
"See, I told you, Skulduggery! It's not a symbol!" Valkyrie glared at the skeleton.
"So, can I have my shirt back? And the stuff in my boots? Please?" The tall girl pulled out puppy-dog eyes. Skulduggery looked pointedly at Valkyrie. She sighed.
"Are you going to make me go get it? Seriously, Skulduggery?" He tilted his skull. Valkyrie sighed once again, but left to retrieve the confiscated objects.
"My shirt is coming back to me! My job here is done. Shorty, your turn." The person in question looked up from her snack.
"Oh, thank you, Your Majesty!" The tall girl stuck out her tongue at the tease and walked over to the walls to examine the paintings. The shorter turned to Skulduggery.
"So Skullman. Where are we? I mean, I know it's the Irish Sanctuary, but where?"
"That's actually a good question. We are in a different dimension. After the war you read about in the Skulduggery Pleasant books we realized we were endangering the mortals. We debated with all the other Sanctuaries for a while, but ultimately decided to move into a different dimension. We made the transition, but some mages are still in the mortal world. That's why we have to go back sometimes, and have a Shunting rendezvous. That, and how we have to go back for supplies."
"We're in another dimension? That's really freakin' cool!" The shorter's cobalt eyes shined in wonder. "Wait, was Gordon's Mansion real, or just made for mages? Will it open at some point? For the fans?"
"Yes, at some point. Those books you stole are real. Same for the razor. We found it in the rubble of the old Sanctuary. Or someone found it somewhere and gave it to us." The shorter girl cleared her throat uncomfortably, as she was just exposed of stealing. There was an awkward pause. In the background, they heard the tall girl saying "And that, my friends, is a rabid wolf being ridden by an Orc. Or a bunny." The shorter rolled her eyes, and looked back at Skulduggery.
"So, um, could we, uh, keep the books? And the razor? You won't be able to pry it away from Obsessor Over Sanguine." Skulduggery tilted his skull.
"I suppose. But I'm not encouraging stealing."
"Oh please, Skulduggery! What about in the books? Are most things real? Like the characters and their powers? And... I hate to ask this but, who of the Dead Men are alive?" The shorter sniffled a bit and wiped her eyes.
"Well, all of the main characters are correct, and all of the things that happened in the books happened in real life. Valkyrie, Dexter, Saracen, and I are alive from the Dead Men. Valkyrie and I are still detectives and Dexter and Saracen are Elders." Tears were running down the snakeskin pants girl's face. The tall girl was still talking.
"And this fall painting represents Pixie Hollow because there are flowers they can make dresses out of and there is water since fairies need water to live." The crying girl looked at her friend.
"Uh, girl, everything needs water to live! Except Skeleton Skulduggery, of course." The tall girl stepped out of her 'painting appraiser' voice and responded.
"Not icebergs, Shorty!" Everyone in the room stared at her in disbelief. "Okay, maybe icebergs but... Girl, are you crying?" The shorter wiped her eyes furiously.
"Everyone who died in the books died in real life," she deadpanned. The tall girl stared. When she finally spoke, her voice was tiny.
"Really? Not Dexter and Saracen though, right? What about... Sanguine?" Both girls looked at Skulduggery for an answer.
"We're not sure. We didn't find a body, but no clues have been found that he is active." The 'painting appraiser' was standing in shock, blinking hard. Then she snapped at of her trance and smirked.
"YES! I knew he was to awesome, cool, amazing, radical, ect… to die!"
"Um, we don't know of he's alive or dead. Anyway, really important question here. Does Dexter really have abs you can cut yourself on? Or is that a fabrication?" The short girl raised her eyebrow.
"I wouldn't really know, as I don't really care. Can we move on now?" The short girl held up one finger.
"One more question. Is Derek Landy a stalker, or just a really thorough interviewer?"
"Oh, neither. He's a Sensitive who we hired to make the perfect cover story," Skulduggery answered.
"How is it perfect? You're just telling everyone you exist!"
"But if they see something they'll just think it's a stunt." The tall girl pondered about this while the shorter nodded.
"That's pretty clever, coming from someone who doesn't have a brain," teased the short girl. Just then the door opened and in walked Valkyrie.
"Hey guys, sorry it took so long. First they wouldn't give me your things, saying they were stolen and you two had to pick it up." Valkyrie stepped farther into the room and tossed a purple backpack and an evidence bag to their owners before continuing speaking. "And then these two demanded I tell them what happened at Gordon's and then they insisted on meeting the 'two mortals who broke into one of the highest security places of the Irish Sanctuary'. Again, sorry."
"Who-" Skulduggery began, but his question was answered as two men stepped into China Sorrow's throne room. The short girl burst into tears once again.
GUESS WHO THEY ARE!
Bye,
Telemancer
