A/N: A warm welcome is extended to those new brave souls who have ventured to review the Dreaded Fic. Greetings SparrowStrife, Bytemite and GuardianSaiyoko. Remember, requests are still welcomed, loved and cherished. I am nearing the end of dantesdarkqueen's requests, and though I still have a few ideas up my mucus encrusted sleeve, I love delivering what my viewers like. Now, let us go forward into the white wonderland of...DANDRUFF!!!
Disclaimer: AmazonTurk waives all rights to Final Fantasy VII and Selsun Blue. However, I reserve the right to picture any character of FFVII butt nekkid...as I am doing right now with Vincent. Oh, that's nice. Yes, turn that way. Very nice. Very nice indeed.
Since the 'unpleasantness' of Rufus' lice encounter, Tseng had become preoccupied with his hair, more so than before. The Wutain's pride and joy was his completely flawless, split end free, shining, black glossy locks. The strands fell over his shoulders and down his back like the finest, black Wutain silk, cascading against his broad muscles and adding to his exoticism. Yes, Tseng was a very vain man, but with good reason. He was not an idiot. He knew he was, as Reno so gloriously loved referring to himself, 'really ridiculously good looking.'
But, unlike the red-head, Tseng took great care of his mane, using only the most gentle yet cleansing shampoos and conditioners on the folicles. Never had his hair been blow dried; nor had any heat powered instrument of hair design touched the flawless locks. He had it regularly trimmed by the same stylist for nearly 30 years, and never had more than exactly one-half of an inch been removed from the flow of satin.
Yes, his hair was perfect. His hair was the Promised Land of combs. Combs spoke of his hair in reverence. They whispered of its glory, knowing that if they were good combs and lived a good, just life, that all the missing teeth they endured, all the rank rats nests of red-headed demons they encountered would be worth it once they reached the Promised Land of Tseng's hair.
"Yo, Bossman, what's with your hair?"
Tseng's brain did the mental version of a record scratch. "Reno, what are you talking about?" he snapped, his hand going unconsciously to touch his perfect locks. "Don't try to tell me you see a gray hair, because I checked this morning and there are none."
"Not a gray hair, yo," Reno said daring to touch the blessed locks of the Wutain. Elena didn't even have that privilege. "It looks like some sort of funk. Like dried hair gel or something."
Tseng swatted Reno's hand away. "Don't touch my hair," he told him harshly. "I don't know where your hand has been."
"I don't know where your hair has been," Reno retorted with a sneer. "Rude, come check this out."
Rude glared at him over the tops of his sunglasses. "Do I look like someone who knows anything about hair funk?" he asked, returning to his newspaper.
"It's all over your shoulders and everything," Reno stated, brushing at Tseng's suit jacket. "Just some gross little white flakes."
White...flakes?
"Yo Laney!" Reno called out into the hall. "Get your ass in here!"
"Shut up!" she called back. "What do you want?"
"Just come into Tseng's office, you twit!"
Elena huffed and stormed into the office, placing her hands on her hips. "What...do...you...WANT?!" she asked indignantly.
Reno gestured to Tseng's hair. "Notice somethin' different about your boyfriend?" he inquired.
Elena took one look at Tseng and gasped, her hands instantly covering her mouth. "Oh my gods! You have...DANDRUFF!"
Tseng leapt from his chair and pulled open his closet, staring in shock into the mirror he kept nailed to the back of the door. "No," he said, shaking his head, watching in horror as the white flakes danced off his hair and onto the shoulders of his black jacket, like some sadistic snow storm. He thrust his fingers into his hair in despair. "NO!!!"
He collapsed to his knees, a sob escaping him. Elena was by his side in an instant. "Oh, Tseng," she cried, tears streaming down her face. "Don't worry. We'll get you some help."
Tseng pushed her away, bringing his jacket up over his head. "Don't look at me!" he hissed. "I'm a monster!"
Reno rolled his eyes. "Oh for the love of Odin," he exclaimed. He pushed himself away from Tseng's desk and gestured to Rude. "C'mon, Partner. Let's go get Tsengy Wengy some dandruff shampoo. Elena, you keep the drama king sedated, all right?"
Rude looked down at the crumbled form of his boss in disbelief. "It's just hair," he said with a shrug.
Elena snapped her head to look up at him. "You don't know anything!" she shrieked. "Just go! Get out of here, you big, bald BRUTE!"
Rude adjusted his tie. "Well...that was uncalled for," he said, following Reno out the door and pulling it shut behind him.
One bottle of Selsun Blue later and the dandruff...was still there.
"What are we going to do?" Elena whispered. Tseng was sleeping peacefully on the couch in his office, three tranquilizers seeing to that. His wet and speckled mane drapped across the pillows to dry.
"Maybe the lab has something that would help," Rude offered.
Reno flipped out his cell phone an dialed the lab. "Yo Bernie!" he said with a grin. "Listen...need to call in a favor. Nah, I don't need that shit! I can last all night as it is! I...really? Huh...okay, put me down for some of that. Anyway, listen a friend of mine has a dandruff issue. Got anything for that that won't hurt his hair? He's kinda sensitive about it. How'd you know it was him? Oh! Yep...no doubt! So you got the goods? Bitchin'...I'll be down in five."
He placed the cell back in his jacket and grinned. "Done and done," he said, heading out the door to the lab. "Give him another tranquilizer. This may take some time."
Beautiful. Flawless. Not one speck of dandruff at all. The shine, still there. The silkiness, even better than before.
"How long until that last tranquilizer wears off?" Rude asked, glancing at his watch.
"He should be coming to in about twenty minutes," Elena said, running her fingers through Tseng's hair lovingly.
"Good," Reno said, edging toward the door with Rude. "That should give us enough time to get the hell out of here."
Elena nodded and kissed Tseng gently on the lips. "I'm so sorry," she said. "But at least the dandruff is gone."
Tseng moved slightly, his eyes opening and staring at a shocked Elena. "Elena," he said, reaching for her. He spied Rude and Reno trying to get out of the door. "You two, stop. What happened?"
"Uh, we, uh...got rid of your dandruff," Reno said, rubbing the back of his neck.
Tseng's hands went up to his hair, relieved to feel it was still on top of his head. He was surprised to feel it was still as soft and manageable as before. He reached for Elena and kissed her fiercely on the lips. "Thank you!" he exclaimed, casting the two men at his door an appreciative smile. "I mean it, thank you."
He rose to his feet to go to his mirror. All three ran to stop him.
"Wait!" Elena said with a smile. "What are you doing?"
"Yeah," Reno said. "We should...we should...go out and celebrate your beautiful hair."
"I'm...jealous?" Rude offered.
Tseng's eyebrow went up in question. "Okay," he said. "Let me check my appearance and we'll go."
"You look fine."
"Dashing."
"Sexy."
Everyone stared at Rude who just shrugged.
"Move," Tseng ordered, going to his mirror. He stared at himself, the vein on the side of his head twitching ever so slightly. "You were going to take me out...like this?"
"It's...flattering."
"Cutting edge."
"Sexy."
"Dude," Reno said, backing away from his partner. "You're creepin' a bit."
"I look like a freakin' video game character!" Tseng yelled. "My hair is electric BLUE! How did this happen?'
Elena grabbed onto Reno's arm for support. "The solution we got from the lab reacted with the anti-dandruff shampoo from before," she explained.
Reno laughed. "Guess they don't call it Selsun Blue for nothing, huh?" he asked.
Elena managed a nervous giggle, but squeaked as Tseng lunged for them, Reno dragging her out the door and down the hall. Tseng turned his wrath on Rude, only to find the bald man staring at him with a smile.
"Blue is my favorite color."
A/N: I do not know where Rude's little fettish came from, but I'm laughing my ass off over here! Rude is 100 percent straight in this fic...just, he has a thing for blue, okay? Whatever. And Tseng was SO over the top with his hair, wasn't he? Heh heh!!! Review!!! (makes threatening gestures)
