Chap. 7 The office.
APOV
It's Monday and I'm in the same place, same time, everything the same than every other Monday since January. But there is something different, something has changed. I look around: my pictures; I need to get rid of that one with José; my posters, the laptop, the files, even the color of the walls. It's all the same. Then what? Me. I'm not the same. Is that good? Is that bad?
I meant it as a joke but it's time to face it, I need help. I've avoided the topic with Kate for ages, but I can't live in denial any more. I thought hooking up with someone would be part of the solution, so I got drunk and José was there. Next day I couldn't make it what it was because José saw it differently, like I was really into him. I was just drunk and depressed for God's sake; I was finishing College in the same condition than he left me. Alone and unable to feel desire for a man. So a boyfriend, a 'normal' boyfriend and problem solved, that's what I thought when José started acting like one. How wrong I was!
José was feeling empty, he could sense I wasn't really 'committed', he wasn't helping either. And his way of coping with it, well, despicable, after all, we were friends. I'd have expected more even from a frustrated José. Nevertheless, I know, I painfully know that this was my fault. For thinking I could fix that broken part inside me by adding him to the equation. So wrong! Fortunately, he's stopped calling or texting me, he got the message yesterday.
Carole sent me some documents I should go through to correct and complete, that will distract me from my train of thought. Although it's already clear, I'll look for help, I'm strong but not that strong. If a powerful and self-centered man like Christian Grey has a psychiatrist, then it's okay if I get one too. I don't need more solitude or broken relationships for realizing that I've been unable to fix my hurdles by myself.
"Ana… Ana"
"Oh Carole, I'm sorry, I was distracted."
"Your presence has been requested on the top floor" Wow, what a cold way to say that. What is wrong with Carole? Maybe her presence was never requested on that floor.
"How come?" I ask even though I already know why, Carole should be oblivious about my relation with her boss's boss.
"No idea. You need to ask for Miss Cohen, Andrea Cohen. She is the one who called asking for you." I have no idea who that is. It doesn't matter, eventually I'll be send to Christian's office, he already told me about that promotion. Uff, I'm not sure about that, although I need the extra work, the extra money, and the extra challenge; I'm getting tired of checking grammar and spelling, making summaries of boring news. But it kind of feels like taking advantage of our… friendship?
The elevator's door slide open and I stare in disbelieve. Everything up here is so clinical and modern: glass, steel, white sandstone everywhere. A couple of impeccable blonde young women are sat behind a huge white desk, another two blondes are getting inside some office. Am I on the 20th floor or did I just enter into another dimension? Some space ship this is. I try to analyze my surroundings but I can't "see" Christian anywhere in this place, like his pent-house this is so impersonal and cold, or maybe this's his style, detached clinical style.
I chose the blonde near the elevator. "Excuse me, Miss Cohen asked me to come up. I'm Anastasia Steele." She smiles and rises to greet me. What a relieve, she is not some Japanese robot.
"Miss Steele, could you wait there, please? Miss Cohen will be here soon" She points to my left where a seated area with white leather chairs is.
Two minutes later another flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door. Blonde number one murmurs something on her ear and she looks at me with disbelieve. It's official, I'm getting nervous. What with the many blondes? Does he have a sexual fixation or something? Is that even legal? Maybe he decided that I could be his friend because I was a brunette, a plain clumsy brunette, so he could see me as a dude. Well, that wounds my ego but at the same time is a relieve, I'm not in danger with him. I'm not a potential "sexual partner" so I can consider him as some sort of gay friend. I giggle at the thought and blonde number two looks at me frowning. I want to roll my eyes but it'd be disrespectful, I'll do that later in my cubicle.
She walks toward me and offers a manicured hand. "Andrea Cohen, I'm Mr. Grey's PA. Please come with me"
I shake her hand. "Anastasia Steele". She leads me to a huge door, Christian's office for sure, a super-door, and opens it to let me in. "Mr. Grey is waiting for you."
I step inside and he is far from the door, on the other extreme of the room, bathed in day light behind a beautiful super-desk reading some document, I save for later another eye rolling. The image is sobering though, all white, ceiling, floors, walls, no color except for him dressed in gray, his copper colored hair and the dark-wood desk. I instantly dislike it, this is not the Christian I know. He raises his head and smiles at me, stands up and invites me to take a seat.
"Anastasia, how are you today?" Oh no, how should I call him? I didn't think about that. Let's stick to formality; I'm his employee right now.
"I'm fine, thank you Mr. Grey." I feel my blood going up to my face. Why am I so embarrassed? Is it the monumentality of everything? I realize it's the first time I see him wearing a suit, so elegant, so attractive, so CEO. So my boss's boss's boss. I don't fit in here, I feel uncomfortable right now, I want to go back to my colorful mini-desk.
He frowns and then smiles, no clue about what he's thinking, but for sure switching moods like Kate changes dresses. He leans back on his chair, pensive.
"Well Miss Steele, I remember you mentioning something about keeping distance while you are here in my super-building." He smirks, he knows I'm nervous. The bastard. I nod, I don't know how to respond to that.
He's serious again. "You already know about the position I want to offer you, I don't want to repeat myself. Have you given it a thought?"
"Eh…mm… no." I lie, I have given it a thought, but I haven't reached any conclusion yet. I look down, overwhelmed by his power in this office, in this building, in this Company, in this city, in this…
"Miss Steele, please look at me, I can't understand what you are murmuring there."
I look up and he smiles sweetly, winks and whispers as in telling a secret. "Come on Anastasia, it's still me, we shared ice cream yesterday, remember?" And I immediately relax. That's true, I didn't like my dessert and we shared his ice cream. I smile and his smile gets bigger, he seems his age like yesterday while sharing that ice cream, but the setting is wrong. I frown.
"I'm sorry, everything up here is so… monumental… I feel small."
"That's my ultimate goal Miss Steele, but not with you." Mm, is that strategy or just him?
"Mr. Grey, I have given a thought to your offer. I'm not sure, I don't feel prepared and I don't want to take advantage of… this?" I look at him apologetically. He takes a sheet of paper from his desk.
"You wouldn't be by your own, and I think it will be convenient for my Company and also for you. You are a very intelligent woman and I have checked the tasks assigned to you by my HR department, you are overqualified for that. If we accept interns is to prepare them, to challenge them. That's not happening in your case Miss Steele, we need to change that immediately." Well, that makes sense.
"I'd like that, sir." He suddenly looks up surprised but shakes his head.
There's a knock at the door, and Miss Cohen enters. "Mr. Grey, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in five minutes." What? I just came in here.
"I don't know if I'll be finished by then, Andrea. Tell them to wait if that's the case."
She looks confused. He turns his head slowly to face her and raises his eyebrows. She flushes bright pink. So it's not just me. Intimidating boss.
"Very well, Mr. Grey," she mutters, then exits. He frowns and turns his attention to me.
"I'd like you to have lunch with me, Miss Steele, we can order something to eat here. I'd like to discuss your future responsibilities and as you can see my time is short." I'm utterly surprised. Lunch? What for?
"But can't your Human Resources Department send me a memo?"
"They don't know about this change, not yet."
"Oh. I don't know about taking time from you for that. You for sure have more important things to deal with."
"Exactly, that's why we will have this conversation later. You can go and move your belongings up here. I'm assigning you an office on this floor." What? This's definitely too much and there is no need. Do I want to become another blonde?
"Do I have to dye my hair?"
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, you know, to fit in here, to be one of your… many blondes." Oh, he smiles, but surely he should be ashamed.
"No Anastasia, you don't have to dye your hair, your hair is perfect just like it is now." I'm trying to elucidate when I'm Anastasia and when Miss Steele, still nothing. Is it Anastasia when I challenge him?
"I'm not sure about moving up to this floor, after all the Public Relations Department is on the 16th."
"Okay, we'll discuss that too, over lunch." I got the hint, he's dismissing me, he's mad because I'm fighting everything he says. But everything he says is too much. I already have a headache.
"Do you realize that my lunch time is Anastasia's time?" His face light up. I hope he understands my confusion about this entire Anastasia/Miss Steele situation.
"Anastasia's time, I like it. So, is it now Miss Steele's time?" I nod and he smirks at me.
"Very well Miss Steele. Please think about my proposition thoroughly, this is serious. Don't forget to close the door when you leave and tell Anastasia I'll be waiting for her at 12:30." I can't help it and giggle, he looks at me serious. "I'm sorry Mr. Grey. Have a nice day." Then I turn around and freeze. What is that? So much color, so exquisite, so beautiful!
They are paintings, a mosaic of small paintings arranged in a square. A series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in such precise detail that they look like photographs. Together they are breathtaking, surrounded by all this white they look like a hole in the wall.
Suddenly he is by my side. "Like it?"
"Love it." I look at him, finally something from his soul that is lively.
"A local artist, Trouton. I couldn't resist."
"I can see why, he's raising the ordinary to extraordinary in such a way…"
He's smiling his young smile. "I couldn't agree more."
It's odd, I sense he doesn't smile enough, but when I recollect our time together I remember him smiling. So he smiles a lot when he is with me.
I study him. I feel like if I was in front of a ladder and Christian was on top of it, alone, sad. I'm extending my hand to him so he can come down with me, down here there is color, people, life. But I'm not a savior, I need salvation myself. Who am I to offer any hand at all? Although I understand why his therapist wants him to try something different, I still think I'm not the best person for that.
"Anastasia?... Anastasia?" Oh my God, was I staring at him? I feel the heat in my face.
"I'm sorry Christian, I got distracted." He's grinning. Oh no, and now I said his name. I need to go, the borders between the boss and the friend are getting blurry.
"Planet Ana?"
I smile sweetly, he remembers. "Yes, kind of…"
"See you later. 12:30, be punctual."
"Yes, sir." And serious again, his gaze narrowed as if I've committed a mistake. This constant changing is unsettling.
"I need you to do something for me."
"What is that?"
"Don't call me sir, never. Mr. Grey is fine during office time." Oh Crap, he looks crossed. Why is that an issue?
"Oh, okay. Can I ask why?"
"No. See you later Miss Steele."
…
It's almost 12:30 and I´m still wondering what my position will be about the whole proposition. I want the promotion, I don't want to work on the 20th; so cold, so clean.
I'm in the elevator but it's full of people going down to grab some lunch at the cafeteria. Also Carole is in here and I still can't face this boss's boss's boss-friend relationship in front of my coworkers and my current boss. They will totally misunderstand this. Eventually it will happen, just not now please. We still need to define it inside the walls of this building. So I don't push the button to the 20th floor. Everybody gets out and I remain in silence inside the elevator.
"Aren't you coming, Ana?"
"I forgot something, Carole." She looks at me suspiciously and leaves. I push the shaming button.
This time, I go direct to Miss Cohen, it's good to know which one is the right blonde. She rises from her chair and smiles sweetly, doesn't look like a bad person to me. "You know which door Miss Steele. He's waiting for you." It sounded friendly, maybe too much.
I knock on the door, wait a few seconds and open it. He's again sat behind his desk, reading, he looks so tired. When he sees me he smiles. It's good to know I have that effect on him. Maybe I can offer a hand after all.
"Anastasia?"
"Yes, Christian?"
"Glad you are here. Give me just one minute." He's back to the document and I go to the paintings and examine them. This is my favorite spot in this awful modern office that do not reflect my friend's soul. I prefer to think that he's somewhere inside the paintings. They are arranged in front of his desk for some reason, maybe they are an escape from the rest of the surroundings.
"Along with them, you bring spirit to this office." He moves like a ghost, when did he come here? And that statement… then he knows that everything else in this office is empty, transmit nothing. I was right, it's more like strategy and these paintings are the necessary escape, just there for his sight. "What would you like to eat?"
"Cesar salad please, and iced tea."
"That's it?" He looks at me with disapproval.
"Yes."
He tells Andrea what we want and we sit in his white leather chairs. What about Andrea's lunch time? No thanks, or please. Where went his manners?
"So, what do you think about my proposal?"
"We don't need to discuss my responsibilities. As long as I get to work under the direction of some experienced person I'm fine." I study his face, he's serious, waiting. I need to look confident. "But I won't come up here, I don't fit on this floor. Everything is so… over the top, this kind of lux makes me feel uncomfortable."
"Yes, I know. I just wanted you closer." He sighs.
"I can come up to have lunch with you whenever you feel like doing that." I offer, so he can understand that it's not being with him what I'm refusing.
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Anastasia's time?"
"Yes." I smile sweetly. "I don't want to be here in my Miss Steele's time. You are an intimidating boss Christian."
"Really? Did I intimidate you earlier?"
"Yes."
"I noticed." I knew it. "And I didn't like it, I don't want to intimidate you, Anastasia. I like being with you because you are honest and forthcoming in your sweet way, you just shut down earlier."
This I know, I'm like those Trouton's paintings for him, but in his controlled social life. Still, unlike those paintings, I can't be here for him all the time. Lunch is okay, though.
We eat in silence, like yesterday at the Marina. It's soothing, the calm, the peace; he transmits that just by being here next to me. I hope I do the same for him. I get it, you are not alone, but you are immersed in your own thoughts at the same time. When I do that alone, that solitude permeates and disrupts the analysis with a sad side.
"Anastasia, before you leave there is something we need to discuss. I'd like to give you one of the cars of the Company and a credit card so you can buy clothes for your new job." What the hell?
"Excuse me?" Now he's gotten insane, completely insane. What is his problem with my clothes?
"It's something we do with our best employees. You've written the best drafts of my speeches, which by the way you will continue doing, and you've been promoted. To me you are one of the bests, so you will receive the same treatment." He is telling me this so serious, he knows I will resist this.
"No way."
"Anastasia!" He is glaring angrily.
"What?" I snap.
He narrows his eyes. "Just accept it." Now he's trying to intimidate me, bastard.
"What are you doing? Don't look at me like that. This's Anastasia's time." All of a sudden he smiles slightly and I relax. But no, I won't accept that.
"I don't need a car. Well, I do, but I'll buy one, soon. And about the clothes, you can send me the required parameters of my new position and I'll comply." I give him my stubborn look, if he wants to be my friend he better starts knowing my no way look.
"Anastasia, don't fight with me, this's the protocol. Stop saying No to everything I say." He looks annoyed, but so am I.
"I accepted the position." I cross my arms and square my shoulders.
"Yes, but first you said no."
"All you want is too much Christian. I know this is happening because now we are close."
"No, it's not." So serious, he's not used to get a no for answer. "You are accepting this, it's the protocol, end of the discussion."
I stand up and start looking under the chairs, under the cushions, behind his desk, around us on the floor.
"What is it Anastasia, what are you looking for? Did you lose an earring or something?"
"My pride, my dignity."
"What?"
"I can't find them, they left the room." He starts laughing but I'm mad as hell.
"Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?"
"To start, don't buy me a car."
"Come on Anastasia, I'm not buying you a car, the Company is giving you one because of your new position. It's the pro-to-col. Why is this so hard to understand?"
I bite my lip to stop the 'bull-shit-Grey' that I want to shout at him.
"Don't bite your lip, Anastasia."
"Why, is that in the Protocol too?"
He chuckles. "No, it's not. It's just sexy as hell and we don't have that kind of relationship." Crap. I feel my face burning. I narrow my eyes. Not a Gay friend after all, hum? He managed to make me lose my train of thought.
"Honesty Anastasia. I'm not experienced regarding friendship but between you and me honesty has to be rule number one. If you ask, I'll answer with the truth no matter how uncomfortable it is. I expect the same from you."
"I'm not aware that I'm biting it when I do it."
"Don't be shy; I'll let you know when you do it. Now, the protocol, we can meet half way. You accept the car now, and we will discuss the credit card in a month." Half way my ass! Is he underestimating me?
I look at him straight in the eyes. "No."
He frowns. Yes, get used to it. "I accept the car on loan, you accept that I will buy my own clothes with my paycheck. And because I'm one of the best employees you have, your words… HR won't send me any parameters about how should I dress at work. I'll be free to dress as I wish because I do a good job regardless of what I wear."
He raises his eyebrows as in surprise. "Oh Anastasia, I should hire you for helping me with the negotiations, you are a natural."
There's a knock at the door, and it's Miss Cohen, Andrea. "Mr. Grey, forgive me for interrupting again, but your next meeting is in two minutes." What? Is lunch time over? Oh no, I need to go back to my desk, Carole must be fuming.
"I'll be there in two minutes then." She closes the door and he looks at me. "You'll start tomorrow. Thank you for having lunch with me Anastasia."
"Thank you Christian. It was enlightening." He is smiling again and I feel better. Despite the impasse, I want this to work, for him but also for me.
…
It's time to go home and I've finished all the documents Carole sent me this morning. I should go home but I'm kind of saying good bye to this cubicle. She already told me that tomorrow I'll start working directly with Samuel Benford, on this floor but in the south wing. She wished me good luck and gave me a hug before leaving.
I can't believe I've known this man for just one week and my life has changed so much, he's so intense. It's not just him, is being an intense week also because of José. Because of you. True. Okay, I won't overthink this, I've done a good job and I'm getting a promotion, and a car. I'll be fine and Christian will help, he told me that. Tonight I'll talk with Kate about the psychiatrist, she knows one, a woman. This is moving on, right? Right.
